Once I started with thinking of the advice I’d give to a couple of friends who got married last year if they asked me, I kept coming up with ideas. It’s grown into two blog posts with all the unsolicited advice I have to offer from my 19-1/2 years of wedded bliss. I shared my first 10 on Friday, and I’ve got eight more for you today!

11. Don’t stop dating. Once you’re married, it’s easy to become complacent, but never stop dating, wooing and romancing your spouse. Of course these things will change a bit once you’re married. And they’ll change when you have children. But, don’t forget the things you loved doing together before you were married. Go see a movie, go to dinner, go for a walk, play a game, color in a coloring book — just do something together that you enjoy. You can get creative when money is tight. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. A date on the couch with a movie and microwave popcorn can work. Going out for a bagel instead of a full dinner when funds are tight can work. Just do something to date each other and reconnect.

12. Fight well. You are going to fight. It happens. But, make your fights productive. Don’t run away from them when things get tough. Don’t resort to name calling. Do try and listen to the other person. Do stick with it until you’ve come to a resolution you both are OK with. Do be willing to compromise sometimes. Do know that there are times you might need to take a break to cool down, but always come back to the topic. Don’t let issues go unresolved. Even the smallest issue will fester and cause problems if you let it go without resolution. Don’t press each other’s buttons. You know your spouse so well. You know what will hurt him or her deeper than anyone else. Never breech that trust and use it against them during a fight. Remember even in anger that words spoken can never truly be erased. No amount of apologizing and forgiveness can remove those words and the feelings they evoked. Just don’t go there.

13. Don’t try to change one another. Some things you know about your spouse before you’re married, and you think they’re cute. Then you’re married, and you find they lost some cuteness. Other things you maybe didn’t know until after you were married and you don’t find those things cute at all. Work through them. You can talk about them with your spouse, but the only person you can really change is yourself. Many times that means getting on your knees and asking for God to change you. And that’s OK. Remember my gaming example from last time? When we were first married, I sometimes wanted my husband to play games less often. It didn’t work. I just made myself miserable. This was a part of him I knew about before I said “I do.” Once I changed my attitude, then it all worked out. And now it’s a hobby we enjoy together. It’s also a hobby he still enjoys on his own sometimes, and I embrace having the time to myself to do things I enjoy alone like reading. Does it help that he makes our family a priority over his games? Most definitely. If not, we’d have a problem. We’ve learned how to work it for the good of both of us.

14. At the same time, be aware that you both will change, just make sure you change together. My husband and I got married young. I was 20; he was 22. We’ve gone through many life transitions together. We started as college students. Then we evolved into young professionals. Then we morphed into parents of babies. Now we are settled into parenthood of school-aged children. I’m not the same Stacey I was when we got married. My husband, Chris, is not the same Chris he was when we got married. We’ve both grown and changed as we’ve lived life. But we’ve grown together. Each stage of our life has brought its own challenges. In the early days, we’d struggle to connect in the midst of going to classes, studying and working. Then we struggled to connect when I dealt with some health issues. Recently we’ve struggled to connect while being in the fray of having young children. But, we’ve figured out — sometimes through trial and error — how to adjust to each phase as it’s come and how to stay connected when life changes and when we change. Some changes are pretty easily resolved, like how we’ve learned to ask each other if the timing is good before starting a serious discussion. Other changes are more challenging, like figuring out how to stay connected to my husband when we are exhausted at the end of the day after dealing with work, kids and responsibilities. We’re always learning and always growing. The key is to make sure that you’re learning and growing together and never ever forgetting your spouse or taking him or her for granted.

15. Respect each other’s privacy. Trust is a huge part of a relationship. If you work hard to be a team, to communicate well and to fight well, trust remains. Act in a way that your spouse has nothing to worry about in trusting you. Be honest. Be up front. Expect the same from your spouse. Give space sometimes. Respect and trust go a long way in a relationship. I have nothing to hide from my husband, but I still appreciate that he asks me before getting in my purse to get something. I give him the same courtesy and don’t go rifling through his wallet or cell phone unless I ask. Neither of us have secrets, but we are still human beings. We do still have belongings that are ours alone, and it’s important to respect that even within a marriage. If I went through his text messages or e-mails, all I’d do is communicate to him that I don’t trust him. And I do trust him — completely. Plus, who has time for that? If your relationship is at the point where you feel like you have to do those things in order to trust someone, then you’re not actually trusting them at all and need to work through the underlying issues.

16. Enjoy one another in every way. I’m not going to go into details of the physical aspect of a marriage, but enjoy that, too. Never use that against one another. Just enjoy your relationship. Enjoy your physical bond, your emotional bond, your spiritual bond and your friendship bond. Marriage is meant for the long haul. Enjoy it!

17. Keep a sense of humor. Laughter can diffuse any situation. When I was in college, one of my professor’s had a theory that if he was going to laugh at something later then he might as well laugh about it now. That’s not always an easy thing to do, but it can be helpful. We put this to the test on our second day of marriage when we ran out of gas right as we rolled into the visitor’s center in Gatlinburg, Tenn., where we were going to spend our honeymoon. We’d both been so distracted and excited about being married and getting to go somewhere together out of town that we completely forgot to fill up the gas tank. It gave us a bit of a chuckle then and still makes me smile to remember those kids we were. Never take yourselves too seriously.

18. Don’t listen to others. Yeah, I’m ending with this one, because it seems contradictory since I’ve been dispensing advice and now I’m telling you not to listen to others. What I mean, though, is don’t listen to others’ opinions about your relationship or marriage when it comes to little things. If multiple people you love and trust who know you and your spouse are sending up red flags, pay attention. But at the end of the day in most situations, it doesn’t matter what anyone else’s opinion is on how you’re doing things other than your spouse. If you’ve talked through your issues, if you’ve come up with your own game plans and if you’ve figured out what works best for the two of you, then so be it. Everyone else can butt out. It really isn’t their business. Do whatever it takes to protect your marriage. Go to counseling if you need help working through problems. Don’t allow others to plants seeds of doubt that don’t need to be planted. Cut off conversations if you need to. Cut off friendships if you absolutely have to. You know in your gut what is best for your relationship. Follow that instinct together with your spouse.

Marriage is an awesome journey. I can’t imagine my life differently. I love being a missus and wouldn’t change it for one second. Enjoy the journey.  Enjoy one another. Enjoy the journey together!

In 2018, two of my good friends got married. Each time we go to a wedding or know someone getting married, I think of things I’d say to them if they asked me. I try not to just spout off unwanted advice, which is why I’m blogging about it instead! I don’t have a perfect marriage, because those don’t exist, but my husband and I have learned a few things along the way in our 19-1/2 years of being married. Today I’m sharing 10 of them. Once I got started, I had trouble stopping, so I’m breaking this up into two blog posts. Check back Monday for more!

1. Forgiveness. Learn it. Live it. Embrace it. Remember that the person you’re sharing your life with is human. He or she is going to mess up along the way. You have to learn to forgive easily and often. Never hold grudges. It’s not worth it. Love can prevail, if you let it. And, remember, your spouse is going to have to do a lot of forgiving of you. Sometimes I can feel all high and mighty that I don’t get mad at my husband for certain things he does. Then I think about how the crazy things I do and how he reacts so well, and I knock myself right off my pedestal.

2. Communication is sooooo important. I love superheroes these days. Some of them have the power to read minds. But, your spouse isn’t one of them. He or she has no idea what you’re thinking unless you tell them. Communicate often about everything from money to dinner to work to chores. Share what you’re thinking. Share what you’re expecting. See if it lines up with what your spouse is thinking and expecting. If it doesn’t, then communicate some more until you figure it out. Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit down together over a meal, focus on one another with no distractions and talk. My husband and I started our relationship with long phone calls. I wasn’t old enough to go on dates with him. Now, 25 years later, I feel like we still need to have those times that we just talk. If you find yourselves missing chances to connect, make them happen. Planning is OK.

3. Never compare workloads. This was especially an issue for me after the birth of our first daughter like I recently shared in “How to keep your relationship strong with a newborn.” We were 10 years into being married when it really cropped up, but I had to deal with it. Sometimes you’re going to do more than your spouse. And sometimes your spouse is going to do more. One of you may have to work longer hours at work. One of you may have to pick up slack at home. One of you may do all the cooking. But as long as both of you are contributing, let it go.

4. Going along with number three, appreciate one another. Say thank you often and mean it. My husband takes out the trash for us. I thank him almost every time he does. Sure it’s sort of his “job” around here, but it keeps me from having to do it. And I know that my husband doesn’t enjoy this task; he just does it because it has to be done. He thanks me for making dinner. Everyone wants to be appreciated for what they do, no matter how small. Saying a sincere thanks goes a long way.

5. Learn to enjoy or at least respect things your spouse enjoys. My husband has been a gamer since before I knew him. He loves role playing games, tabletop games and video games. He can spend hours playing games. I learned early on to let it go and let him enjoy his gaming time (as long as we still got plenty of couple time and everything else that needed done was getting done). We had our fair share of discussions of what this would look like. We set some parameters like designating one evening a week for him to get together and game with his friends. I realized that gave me one evening to do whatever I wanted to do. Along the way, I started asking questions about what he was doing. If it was important to him, then I wanted to hear about it. I slowly developed an interest in gaming, too. Now it’s a hobby we often enjoy together. And I sincerely wish we had the time and gamer buddies around to get back to the gaming once a week like he did in college. I’ve evolved. Our relationship has evolved and it’s better because of it.

6. Don’t forget who YOU are. While it’s important to do things together as a couple, you still need to remember that you’re individuals. In my dad’s speech to us on our wedding day he said, “Remember that you are Chris. And you are Stacey. And together you are Chris and Stacey.” It sounds a bit abstract, but I think what he meant was that we are a couple together. We do things together. We must spend time together to grow our relationship, but we can’t forget the individuals we are and the things we enjoy doing on our own. We can’t lose ourselves. After all, if I lost myself then I’d no longer be the person my husband fell in love with.

7. Talk about how you’re going to navigate extended family affairs before conflict arises. Each of you have your own family traditions. Each of you have your own expectations of how things are going to go. For example, my family used to get together to celebrate everything all the time. Come the month of June with a ridiculous amount of birthdays and you’d find us eating out and celebrating each and every one. That’s mellowed out as we’ve gotten older, but in the early days, I fully expected my husband would participate in every single family gathering and celebration. If he had a long day at work, too bad. If he had just been with my family the night before for something else, too bad. And that time didn’t count as our time of doing stuff together. Anyone else picking up on the unfairness here? I learned through the years to listen to my husband. I learned to communicate back to him what was important to me. Maybe he needed some downtime for one family activity but I really wanted him to participate in another one instead. We’d do that. I’ve learned that’s OK. We don’t even have to be tied at the hip for family activities. Let’s not even get started on holidays. Seriously, start figuring out your game plan for your first married Thanksgiving and Christmas by September at the latest. It’s tricky. Also know you probably can’t make everyone happy. Do what works best for you, but don’t forget to communicate that to your families and offer alternative days to celebrate if necessary.

8. Don’t put your business in the street. What I mean is if you’re having a problem with your spouse, talk to him or her about it. Don’t talk to your friends about it. Don’t talk to your parents about it. And definitely never post about it on social media. Keep your personal business personal. Your friends and family will remember all the negative things you said long after you and your spouse have let something go. Your relationship doesn’t involve anyone else besides your spouse and God. The only business you can share is positive affirmations. Go ahead and brag about your spouse to others sometimes. You get bonus points for bragging on them when they’re around. My husband and I aren’t a mushy, gushy couple, but I do like when chances arise that I can point out his good qualities or things I appreciate about him, which leads to number nine.

9. Be each other’s biggest cheerleaders. The world can be a cruel and harsh place filled with lots of naysayers and people who are thrilled to knock you down a notch. Your spouse is the person who should build you up the most. Take time to listen, support and encourage one another. Celebrate good news together. The first person I want to call or talk to when I have good news is my husband. I know he’ll be happy with and for me. Sharing good news with your spouse should just make the good news feel even better.

10. Be a team. Once you are married, you are a team. You are a united front. You will find lots of distractions ready to tear down your team. You will find people who will try to get you to talk negatively about your spouse and complain about your marriage. Don’t fall into those traps. Avoid them like the plague. Remember always that no matter what you’re facing, you’re facing it together as a team. You have to be a team to get through hard times. I remember very clearly the day my husband lost his job 12 years ago. I remember sitting together on the floor of my home office and just sort of holding each other up. We faced that challenge and so many others before and since then as a team. Don’t place blame when there is none to be placed. Support one another and move through life as a unified front. My husband and I have sincerely said to each other, “I’d rather go through hard times with you than good times without you.” Being a team — being together — makes any hard time so much easier to bear. And when times are good again, your relationship will be stronger for having survived the hardship.

Check back on Monday for part two!  You won’t want to miss it.

Ideas make your marriage stronger

My husband and I don’t have a perfect marriage. Nobody does! However, we have learned some lessons through our 19 years of marriage that have helped strengthen our marriage along the way. And they don’t have much to do with the dramatic romantic gestures we love watching on the silver screen. Those things are nice, but just aren’t realistic in daily life. The things that really strengthen your marriage are much smaller, yet just as significant.

Treat your spouse like a stranger.

While it’s easy to snap at those we love when we are having a bad day, it’s neither fair nor productive to them. I try to remember when I’m having a bad day that my husband isn’t the cause of it (usually!). I wouldn’t be rude to a stranger for no apparent reason. I shouldn’t be to my husband either.

Say thank you.

I once read a magazine article about a celebrity who said she had a hard time thanking her husband for taking out the trash since it needed to be done. I don’t think you can say thank you enough, honestly. Our theory is that if the other one has done a chore, that’s one less thing we need to do and we appreciate it. I don’t say thank you every time he takes out the trash. He doesn’t say thank you every time I do a load of laundry. But, we do make it a priority to say thanks a few times a week for everyday chores. We all want to be appreciated. Appreciation also can help strengthen your marriage by reminding you why you fell in love in the first place.

Give each other privacy.

I don’t have anything to hide from my husband. He doesn’t have anything to hide from me. However, if he needs to get something out of my purse or I need to get something out of his wallet, we ask first. I appreciate that he asks before barging in. While we are married and we two have become one, we are also still individuals as well.

Talk to each other about problems.

We’re pretty private folks, so this comes naturally to us, but we don’t air dirty laundry, so to speak. We agreed early on that if one of us has a problem with the other, we talk directly to them. So, if I have a problem with my husband, I talk to him about it — not my mom or my friends. He does likewise. We can’t fix problems and make them better if we don’t talk about and work on them. To strengthen your marriage, you have to resolve problems.

Nobody is a mind reader.

My husband knows me better than anyone on this planet, but he can’t read my mind. We have to communicate effectively with one another. Sometimes that means being very specific about what we need without getting upset the other one didn’t know it first. That includes everything from romantic gestures to household chores. I’ve found it’s much more productive to tell him this stuff rather than be upset when he doesn’t do it.

Don’t take everything personally.

I can be a tad sensitive. OK, I can be a lot sensitive. I take things very personally sometimes and take them to heart when I shouldn’t, like when someone gets mad at me in traffic. While I’ve made improvements through the years sometimes I still struggle with this. When my husband and I are discussing an issue that revolves primarily around something I feel responsible for, my first response can tend to be defensive.

However, most of the time, I don’t need to take it so personally. I need to get over that so we can move on to the real goal: fixing whatever issue is happening. And that also means I work to not read into things. For example, my husband doesn’t always notice things that need to be done around home, like emptying the bathroom trash. Instead of feeling personally offended that he’s trying to  spite me by not doing it, I just ask him for help. To his credit, he obliges — usually saying that he didn’t notice the issue.

Know when to talk and when to wait.

While communication is important in all relationships, not all communication is created equal. Knowing your spouse and when best to talk with them about a serious issue strengthens your marriage. For example, my husband knows just before bed isn’t a time to start a serious discussion with me. I’m a morning person and by the end of the day my energy and mental capacity are not up to par. Any discussions had at that time of day don’t go well. I know the same is true for him in the morning.

And we both know when the other one is in the middle of something, whether it’s work or something fun, to ask for a chance to talk before just launching into a conversation. Usually whoever is busy can say something like, “Give me five minutes.” Then when they’re at a stopping point, they stop and give the other their attention. Conversations go much better that way.

Don’t micromanage.

We started the policy when we got married, that if one of us is doing a task, he/she can do it his/her own way. If the other person has a problem, he/she should just do it. So, if my husband is cleaning the bathroom, he gets to do it his way. If I have a problem, then I should do it myself. If I’m doing laundry and my husband has a problem with it, then he should do it himself. The nice thing about that policy is that it feeds into our lazy streaks a bit. Before I criticize or micromanage, I realize that I don’t feel like doing said task myself. I shut my mouth!

Be each other’s biggest fan.

My husband and I have each other’s backs 100 percent. While we are helpful to one another and discuss work and such, we also support one another wholeheartedly. He encourages me in my career. I encourage him in his. I’m his biggest cheerleader, and he is mine. We also remember this in front of other folks. When we are with others, I need to uplift and support my husband all the more. If I have an issue with something, it can wait until we are alone.

Approach life together — the good, the bad and the ugly.

We refer to ourselves as a team (which nowadays includes our kids, but started as just a team of two). We even high-five each other sometimes. Honestly, I think this is my best marriage tip that will strengthen your marriage most. When you approach life together with a team mentality then you stay working together for the common good of your family. We’ve faced many struggles together. Rather than start placing blame on each other, we stay focused on what we need to do to get through the situation together. We are a team whether we’re working together to get dinner prepared or making major life decisions.

Advice for your marriage with a newborn

When our daughter was born in October of 2009, my husband and I been married for just over 10 years. We’d weathered lots of life’s storms together including chronic illness, extended family health scares, death, job loss and financial devastation. Through it all, we remained a team, ready to take on life’s challenges together. We strove to work together and not against one another. We hadn’t, however, navigated marriage with a newborn.

Nothing prepared us for parenthood. My husband and I knew it would be hard. We weren’t young. We weren’t naive, but it was way harder than we expected. I’ve yet to meet a new parent who said otherwise. It’s sort of a total system shock. While becoming a first-time parent is a great and exciting event, it’s also highly stressful — especially when you figure in the hormones, the sheer exhaustion and the total upheaval as life as you knew it.

We learned some lessons the first time around with a newborn. So when we had our son in January 2013, we were able to better adjust. Both of my babies were completely different kinds of babies. They are still different. But these tips, which I first wrote just before our son was born, helped keep our marriage with a newborn strong both times.

1. Don’t keep score. 

In the early months of our daughter’s life, I kept a mental score of who did more. It was me — always. After all, I was the one who got up with her all night, I was the one who was pumping for her around the clock, I was the one whose body was still healing and on and on and on the list could go. However, I was failing to notice the things my husband was doing. He was waking up at night, too. After working long days that involved a three-hour total commute, he’d come home and take over so I could snooze. He was changing diapers. We both did a lot. 

I realized I resented him as he slept while I sat in a dark living room pumping more milk after having changed, fed and gotten the baby back to sleep. I have lots of reasons why I felt this way (hormones, exhaustion, etc.), but none of them justified it and it was hurting my relationship in silence (well, mostly in silence save for a few bursts of passive aggressiveness — a trait I work to stifle because it’s hurtful).

Once I got over myself and realized keeping score was only making things worse, I was able to accept my new role as a mother and milk provider and appreciate the things my husband was doing. I realized sometimes he did more and sometimes I did more. As long as we were both making an effort to do the best we could, I couldn’t complain. Keeping score only makes things worse for your marriage with a newborn.

2. Let each other express emotions freely, without judgment. 

When you’re exhausted and dealing with a baby who isn’t cooperating, sometimes you’re just plain angry at your squalling bundle of joy. It’s neither rational nor reasonable. But, it happens. Being able to share that with your partner and have them understand, take over if necessary and not judge you helps you move on and move past it.

I struggled a lot in the early days with my daughter. I thought I was failing her and wasn’t cut out to be a mother. My husband never judged me. He supported me, encouraged me and helped me move past it. I whined and cried about being tied to a breast pump and never being able to have a normal life again, and he was patient to encourage and support me.

When I was weary from our son not sleeping at night for the first three months, my husband left me a note to find in the middle of the night. It reminded me I wasn’t alone and could wake him up if I got overwhelmed. 

3. Take time for each other. 

I’m not talking big, elaborate dates. Some of our best times in those first couple of weeks after our daughter was born were when one set of our parents would come over and watch the baby for a couple of hours so we could rest. We’d head straight to bed, set the timer so we didn’t sleep for 18 hours straight like we felt like doing and snuggle in for a nap together.

We didn’t have compelling conversations about being new parents. We didn’t whisper sweet nothings in each others’ ears. Instead we just enjoyed rest together. As time went on, we carved out time for more like quick dinners at fast food restaurants without a baby in tow. No matter what, though, making time for one another is important for your marriage with a newborn.

4. Accept help from the outside. 

This goes along with number three. It’s hard to make time for each other when you’ve got a baby demanding help and attention so often. Add in that during times the baby sleeps you have to deal with things like laundry, pumping, showering, sleeping and eating, and there’s very little time or energy left for much else. Having help from others is fine. Maybe it’s a friend who will come and hold the baby for a while. Or maybe you have retired parents around who love to snuggle with their grandbabies.

Whatever the case, it’s OK to ask for outside help. In fact, I’d say it’s even necessary for your own sanity and the sake of your relationship. Asking for help doesn’t mean you aren’t good parents or can’t handle having a baby. It just means you’re human, recognize you sometimes need a break and understand you need to stay connected to your spouse to stay sane through this journey.

5. Always be compassionate and respectful.

Sometimes in order to be compassionate with our spouse, we have to remember that it’s not all about us. Our spouses are people, too, with their own wants and needs. Remaining compassionate when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed is hard.

But remember your spouse is just as exhausted and overwhelmed, and sometimes he needs you to give him some grace and vice versa. Both of you will mess up. Both of you will get short with the other and need them to just drop it and understand you’re coming from a place of exhaustion, not anger.

That said, being respectful to each other is key as well. Sometimes people are kinder to complete strangers than their own spouses. Not cool. You can never take back words once they have been said. You can apologize, but the words have left their mark. Try to remember that when the baby is crying, you’ve been up for 19 hours and you just realized you’re out of clean sleepers because your spouse forgot to do the laundry like he said he would.

(And, because my husband reads my blog, I must point out I made up this last scenario. I don’t think it happened to us, but I couldn’t think of an actual example, though I know these types of things happened.) You’re both doing your best.

Parenthood isn’t easy. The newborn days are rough. They’re hard on each person and relationship. At the end of the day (even when that’s 2 a.m.), the important thing is that you have this new, tiny life that came from the two of you. It’s awe-inspiring and overwhelming at once.

And, as someone whose youngest baby is turning 6 in a couple of months, I can assure you that the newborn days do pass and pass quickly and one day you’ll be able to sleep again.

Grace in marriage improves your relationship

Last Monday, I had to pick up my daughter from school early for an orthodontist appointment. Right after her appointment, we had to go back to school to pick up her brother. It wasn’t all that hard, because the orthodontist isn’t too far from school, but it was just a bit time-consuming. I certainly didn’t expect the afternoon would remind me how importance grace in marriage is.

It all started as I was working in our office on Monday morning. My husband came in and told me that when he drove my car the evening before (which seldom happens), the check engine light came on. I sighed. We just finished making repairs to my car — two rounds of them, in fact. But, a check engine light isn’t something to mess around with. So we decided I should drive his car for shuttling the kids around, and we’d take mine to the auto parts store later to see what the light meant.

That afternoon, I climbed into my husband’s car to begin shuttling the kids around. As soon as I started the car, the low gas light blinked on. I wasn’t exactly enthused about that. I knew I had a decent amount of driving to do, and I had timed everything precisely to have just enough time to do it. Planning a stop to fill up the gas tank wasn’t part of my schedule. Sigh.

Giving grace in marriage

For a moment, I felt irritated that my husband hadn’t told me his car needed gas. Then I realized he probably totally forgotten. While I am “fill up when the tank nears 1/4 fullness” kind of person, he is more of the “I know how far I can drive with the light on” kind of person. Moreover, I also realized he wasn’t intentionally trying to make me have a more frazzled afternoon. So, I gave him some grace in marriage.

I did call him to see if he thought I could make it, because he does know his car better than I do. He thought so. I also learned I was correct; he had totally forgotten it was low on gas. He got grace from me rather than an irritated wife who was mad at him. We didn’t exchange any harsh words at all. (By the way, I did have just enough time to fill up the car on the way to school, which made me feel much better.)

A couple of hours later, I had gotten back home with the kids, feeling hot, tired, hungry and grumpy. We had to make a second trip to the orthodontist after my daughter had a wire poking her mouth. The kids were finishing their homework, and I had just finished washing their lunchbox containers. As I thought about dinner, I realized I was just done with the day. Done. With. It. Nothing was going wrong, but I was over it. I couldn’t think of what to make for dinner or how to make dinner happen.

Getting grace

So, I went into the home office to whine — I mean talk — to my husband. I told him I didn’t mind to cook, but there was no way I could deal with dishes. Just couldn’t do a darn thing about it. I told him I needed him to be in charge. It didn’t matter to me what we did, but we couldn’t order pizza because our daughter’s teeth were sore, so she needed soft food.

And then I did the very mature act of putting my head down on my desk. My husband asked for my opinion. I told him I couldn’t even manage an opinion. It was all up to him with no help from me. I was having a bad moment. You know what he did? He didn’t get mad at me. (I’m sure he was frustrated/annoyed, but he didn’t say a word about it.) He gave me grace in marriage. He dealt with it.

Instead of shutting down like I was, he talked to our daughter about what she could eat and decided we’d all go get pasta, since the kids love it and she could eat it. He did not remind me that I’m the one who decided to use the re-useable lunch containers and Thermoses in our kids’ lunch boxes that require extra work or that I have agreed to be the one who deals with most of the cooking. He just saw I was struggling, gave me some grace and took over.

We left the restaurant with me feeling so much better. He gently teased me about it and said maybe I was just hangry. (He may know me super well!)

I tell you all of this not to make you think we are perfect. We aren’t. We struggle and don’t always keep quiet when we should. But we are far enough into this marriage thing that we know each other and when the other one needs some grace in marriage. I knew he deserved grace about the low gas issue, because he certainly wasn’t trying to inconvenience me. And he knew I needed grace for feeding the family that evening or else everything was going to go really far sideways. We had two grand opportunities to argue that day, but we applied grace and let them slide. In the big picture of life, both were such teeny tiny blips on the radar.

A little bit of grace really does go a long way!