Powerful prayers for your husband and marriage

Of all the things we can do as Christian wives, praying for our husbands is one of the most important. I see my husband’s challenges and struggles more than anyone else in the world — as it should be. Because of that, I can pray specific prayers for my husband and perhaps even prayers he doesn’t think to pray for himself.

Turning to Scripture can help us know what to pray for our husbands. The Bible reassures us that we can know God hears what we ask of Him (1 John 5:15). And that makes it all the more important to make sure you pray for your husband.

You can pray Scripture prayers for husband to meet his needs at work and in your marriage while also asking for protection and blessings for him.

What the Bible says about prayer

Even before we get into the prayers for your husband, I would be remiss if I didn’t start with the Bible. In the verses about prayer I looked up before writing this post, some verses in Jeremiah stuck out to me. Many Christians are familiar with Jeremiah 29:11, which says in the NIV, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

I love God’s promise to secure our futures as His children. I love it even more to know He’ll secure the future of my own children. But, the two verses that follow this one really jumped out to me.

 “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Jeremiah 29:12-13 (NIV)

God doesn’t just have a plan for your husband’s future, and He also listens to us and makes Himself available to us when we seek Him. It’s with that in mind that I want to enter into this period of prayers for our husband.

Prayers for your husband at work

No matter what kind of work your husband does, he needs prayer for it. Chances are good he spends more awake time at work than anywhere else. And work is probably a stressor of some sort to him as well. Praying for your husband at work is important.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” – Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

Father, I ask that you be with my husband as he is working. Help him to have a good attitude like he is working for you and not for his boss. Look out for him at work. Give his wisdom and discernment in his work. Protect him from those who don’t intend good for him at work and are looking to block his path. Remind my husband of your faithfulness and presence at his work and everywhere. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” – Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

Lord, I commit my husband’s work and plans to you. Establish his plans. Guide and direct him in the decisions he makes about work. Bless the work of his hands, Lord, to provide for our family and to glorify you. Give him strength to maintain his integrity in all that he does. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Prayers for your husband’s protection

Of all the things I pray for my husband about, his protection is probably what I pray for the most. In my struggles with anxiety, I can imagine all sorts of harmful things befalling him. A few years ago, I went through a very hard time where I assumed every time my husband left the house, that would be the last time I’d see him.

Praying for your husband’s protection not only protects him but also gives you peace of mind. It helps you remember that you can let go and trust that God is always with your husband.

“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.” – 2 Thessalonians 3:3 (NIV)

Father, I ask that you remain faithful in watching over my husband. Strengthen and protect him from the evil one. Give him the ability to resist temptation that he faces. Keep him safe from the roadblocks Satan puts in his way. Put a hedge of protection around him to keep him safe in every way. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

Lord, give my husband strength and courage. Remind him always of your presence and that you won’t leave him. Protect him from struggles both in the world and in his own mind. Surround him with your peace, love and protection. Father just continue to watch over and direct him, guide and protect him. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Prayers for your husband and marriage

Whether you’ve been married 20 years or 20 days, praying for your marriage is important. Having a married relationship is challenging because we have to learn to think of the other person’s needs and wants. And, quite frankly, our own needs and wants can often seem more important!

Bringing your husband and marriage to God in prayer can help you stay focused on the blessing of your relationship and grow stronger in your marriage.

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” – Romans 12:10 (NIV)

Father, thank you for the blessing of my husband. Help us to stay devoted to one another every day. Give us the strength to put each other before ourselves. Continue to ignite and grow in us the love we have for one another. Strengthen our bond and relationship so that it remains strong. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” – Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)

Lord, thank you for putting my husband and me together. Help us to not be overpowered and be able to stand in defense together against the challenges that come our way. Remind us that you are with us in our marriage keeping our bond strong. Fortify us against attacks on our relationship and happiness. Sustain us as we go through challenges and help us to always remain on each other’s side through everything. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Blessing prayer for your husband

We might thank God for His blessings, but we might also be less inclined to ask for His blessings. Asking God to bless your husband is not only fine, but it’s Biblically sound.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7 (NIV)

This doesn’t mean that everything we ask for will be given to us. But what we ask for in accordance with the will of God will be given to us. Many Bible verses encourage us to seek God and ask of Him.

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Luke 6:38 (NIV)

Father, I ask that you bless my husband. Help him to have a giving heart and spirit so that you will give to him abundantly in return. Please give him more blessings than he even expects or think to ask for. Keep him motivated to give to you and those in need around us. Return his blessings to him in full and then some. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” – Number 6:24-26 (NIV)

Lord, bless my husband. Keep him in every way. Father, shine your face on my husband and be gracious to him. Turn your face toward him and give him peace. Hold him close and bless him physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. May his love and joy overflow and may he be filled with the Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Scripture prayers for your husband

These eight prayers are a great way to get started and spark ideas about prayers for your husbands. You can make declarations over your husband and pray any Scripture that speaks to you for him. Ask God to guide you to the right verses to pray for your husband, and follow His guidance.

While you don’t have to always pray Scripture prayers, there is power in them. These prayers also get us into God’s Word more and help us to focus our prayers and requests for Him.

Embrace the power of prayer in your marriage journey. Remember, you have a direct line to the One who created your husband, and He longs to hear your heart’s desires for him. So, whether you’re praying for his work, protection, blessings or your marriage, don’t hesitate to bring it all before the Lord.

These eight Scripture prayers are just a starting point, so feel free to personalize them and make them your own. Trust in God’s faithfulness and watch as He works wonders in your husband’s life and in your marriage. Keep praying, keep believing and keep loving fiercely.

Find more prayers:

Prayers for your children, part 1

Prayers for your children, part 2

Prayers for moms

Prayers for graduates

10 ways to keep your marriage strong when life gets hard

When my husband and I got married back in 1999, we were young at 20 and 22 and excited for the life ahead of us. We looked forward to years of having a happy married life. We didn’t, however, think about the challenges of life.

You never know the hard times that are coming. Hard times usually arrive without much warning and — bam! — your life changes. In the more than two decades we’ve been married, we’ve been through a lot of challenges in life from chronic health issues to death to job loss and more.

Through all of our struggles, we’ve learned how to continue having a happy married life in spite of the problems we face. Life certainly isn’t always easy, but my husband and I have found our way through so many challenges.

Maintain a team mentality.

We weren’t far into our marriage when we learned that maintaining a teamwork mentality is important for having a happy married life. (In fact, we’ve continued the teamwork mentality in family life with our kiddos now.) When hard times come, we need to be more united than ever.

Life stressors can either drive a wedge in your relationship or draw you closer to each other. Having a team mentality leads to a closer relationship. It becomes you and your spouse against the world, so to speak. And it also helps you avoid casting blame. Whether the difficult situation is the result of something one of you did, the reality is, you still have to navigate through the situation together. Approaching that as a team is vital. Our motto is: “I’d rather go through hard times with you than good times without you.”

Find ways to laugh together.

While it’s always important to keep a sense of humor in marriage, you need to even when life is difficult. My husband can make me laugh more than anyone else in the world. There are definitely times laughter isn’t appropriate, but when you get a chance to laugh together take it. You can even utilize gallows humor.

My husband and I have shared chuckles in hospital rooms. We’ve joked as one of us is recovery from an injury or surgery. Sometimes just a bit of humor can help you bond together even as you face challenges.

Show grace to each other.

You know I’ve got to include grace. Part of a happy married life means having a grace-filled marriage. When you’re going through something difficult, you need even more grace than usual. Some situations have impacted my husband and me equally. But many situations impact one of us more. When that happens, then the person most impacted needs the most grace.

In our humanness, we have moments of being jerks. We don’t always use the right words or have the patience we need when we are stressed. While that’s definitely something to continue working on (and we have both gotten much better at), it’s also something that deserves grace sometimes. I know when my husband is struggling that he may get shorter with me than usual. And vice versa. Instead of lashing back at each other, we give grace.

Use compassion just like when your spouse is ill.

When my husband is ill, I have extra compassion for him. He does the same for me. So, if one of you is going through a difficult time, then the other can treat them in much the same way as if they are physically ill. Give them a pass or way out on family activities if needed. Do some of their chores for them. Make their favorite food.

We most need to be cared for when our hearts our broken. Feeling love and care through small acts of service make a hard time just a bit easier for our spouse.

Pray together and/or separately.

During challenging times, you probably are already praying about the situation itself. But be sure to also pray for your spouse and yourself. Ask God to give you both strength, wisdom, peace, compassion, patience and grace as you navigate the situation. Many times I have prayed and asked God to help me be the wife my husband needs in the midst of a difficult moment. You can try a prayer like this:

Heavenly Father, I ask that You continue to be with us as we deal with this challenge. Lord, draw us closer to one another. Give us grace and compassion for each other. Show us what Your will is for us as we go through this. Open and close the right doors, according to Your will. Father, wrap us in Your arms to give us peace and comfort as we deal with this. Thank You that we are able to face this together. Thank You for never leaving us and always remaining faithful. Continue to cover us with your protection, love and grace. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Know when to just listen.

Sometimes we just need to vent or talk through something without getting advice. Usually you can tell when your spouse is feeling this way, but it’s also OK to communicate that. I have started conversations with my husband like this: “I don’t want advice. I just need to talk about this.”

Of course, sometimes there aren’t solutions to give. Sometimes there’s just broken hearts that need to be heard. Just listening can be the greatest gift we can give our spouse when they’re going through a difficult time.

Distract yourselves.

We need breaks from hard times. Unfortunately we can’t wave a magic wand and make everything disappear for a few hours or days. But, we can find ways to distract ourselves. One of the things my husband and I do together is watch a movie. For a couple of hours, we are immersed in another world.

In fact, a few years ago on the day he got down-sized from his job, we went to a movie. We still had problems waiting for us after the movie, but for two hours we were able to forget about what was happening. Our brains and hearts need that!

We also enjoy playing games together. When we’re gaming, we’re focusing on the game nothing else, which is refreshing.

Communicate with each other.

Communication is certainly the key to a happy married life, and this is even more true when you’re going through a hard time together. My husband is an awesome guy who can do many things, but one thing he can’t do is read my mind. So, unless I share what I’m thinking, needing or struggling with, he’s not going to really know.

A few years ago, for instance, we had to put our beloved dog, Buckles, to sleep quite suddenly thanks to aggressive cancer. I remember a couple of nights later that my husband asked what I most needed that evening. Was it OK for him to play a video game or did I need him to just sit with me? He was sincere in asking, and I was sincere in answering. We had to work together to move on, and communicating made that much easier.

Go to church together.

Keeping God in the midst of your hard time is important. Going to church together is a great way to do that. Not only do you get spiritually fed, but you get to do so together. In fact, it can even serve as a distraction from reality for a little bit. Don’t stop attending church when life gets hard. That’s when you need to be there most.

So many times I’ve gone when I didn’t feel like it and then felt the sermon was just for me. My husband and I have talked after church and shared how we were impacted, which can be in different ways. God has used church to encourage and strengthen us when we are going through a struggle.

Show kindness in small ways.

Small acts of kindness are some of my favorites. They can be the most impactful. Buy your spouse their favorite candy bar. Fill up their car with gas so they won’t have to deal with it in the morning. Take their dishes to the sink. Give them a hug at a random time. Send a text in the middle of a workday just to say “I love you and am praying for you.”

One of the most memorable small act of kindness my husband has done for me is leaving a note on our son’s changing table when our son was a newborn. I was having a really hard time, because our baby boy didn’t sleep at night. Our daughter was 3 and needed me during the day. I told my husband about a particularly rough night and how I had a breakdown while he was asleep. That night, I found a note he left for me telling me to wake him up, and he would help any time. (He had a 60-mile commute at the time, so I tried to avoid waking him unless necessary.) He reminded me that I wasn’t in this alone. I felt seen, heard, understood and supported with just the one simple note.

Hard times are going to come regardless. We can choose to go through them together and grow stronger in our relationship as we come out on the other side. Because even in the midst of strife and challenges, we can still have a happy married life. And then will be the difficult times just a bit more bearable.

How your marriage can survive addiction

I’m excited to share this blog post about dealing with addiction in marriage with you. This isn’t something I’ve dealt with personally and appreciate Charlotte Walker of HomeSafetyHub.com taking on this difficult topic for Families with Grace. She has some helpful ideas for guiding your marriage through a struggle with addiction. Charlotte herself has been passionate about safety her whole life and enjoys writing about topics related to homes and home life. (Don’t miss her other guest post about house hunting with your family!)

While any relationship worth having takes effort, if you are dealing with addiction in marriage, then it’s going to take even more effort from you and your spouse to survive. Addiction is responsible for tearing many families apart, but that does not mean your marriage is destined for failure.

Discuss the problem

Having a conversation with your spouse about facing their addiction can be overwhelmingly scary; however, it is necessary in order to move forward. While the discussion may be uncomfortable for you both, some measure of discomfort is inevitable when seeking change. If you continue to choose not to speak up about the issue, your spouse may take your silence as condoning their behavior, which makes you an enabler. 

Whether you decide to talk to your spouse alone or through a family and friend-assisted intervention, it’s best to do it when they are not under the influence, tired or upset. Keep in mind that your spouse may not be open to admitting they have a problem, and you can almost count on some type of denial or minimization at first. However, you must be persistent in your efforts to break down the walls and discuss how their substance abuse is hurting you and what needs to be done as far as recovery. 

Once your spouse opens up and admits to having a problem, begin discussing their options for treatment. There are outpatient and inpatient treatment options available, but if this is their first time being treated for addiction, encourage them to stay at a residential drug rehab facility for a minimum of 30 days. An inpatient facility will give them time away from distractions and bad habits while providing a safe space for them to detox and begin the recovery process. 

Forgive them

Undoubtedly, your spouse’s addiction has caused you a lot of pain and turmoil, which doesn’t make it easy to forgive. However, if you really want to save your marriage, then it’s necessary to get to the root of the issue, let it go and move forward. Even if you and your spouse decide to temporarily separate to sort through the issues, forgiveness is imperative to repair and reestablish the relationship. 

Your first step to forgiveness is to gain an understanding of the addiction and start looking at it as a disease that is separate from the actual addict themselves. It may be necessary for this breakthrough to come in marriage therapy. Even though your spouse may have hurt you or made poor decisions while under the influence, remember it was the addiction that caused them to lose control of their actions. You may be hurting, but keep in mind that your partner is plagued by guilt as they realize their mind and body has been consumed by addiction.

Understanding the process of addiction will help you gain clarity and compassion for your spouse, which will make it easier for you to forgive them. While being empathetic toward your spouse does not minimize what you have been through, remember that forgiveness also benefits you by giving you a mental sense of wellbeing. 

Be supportive

In order for your spouse to have a fighting chance at beating their addiction, they will need your full support. Having your support will give them the confidence needed to trust themselves and regain control of their lives. You can offer support by attending group meetings with them, which will also give you a deeper look into the reasons behind their addiction and ways you can help them cope in the future.

Also support them making healthy decisions, like creating a healthy work-life balance. By learning to say “no,” delegating tasks at work and prioritizing your tasks, you can develop a routine that allows you to devote more time to personal matters. 

A workout routine can really help battle addiction. It’s not easy to do physical activity in an altered state, and working out will help with sleep as well as help them feel good about being sober. It can also help manage stress, which is a big part of recovery.

Battling an addiction is never easy, and a substance abuse disorder can have detrimental effects on a marriage. You and your spouse will have to go through a painful healing process, but with patience, support and love, your relationship can survive this difficult time.

Find more help

Don’t be afraid to seek help for your struggle with in addiction in marriage. Find a wide array of resources from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s National Helpline. Connecting locally with a Celebrate Recovery Group, a Christian program for all kinds of addictions, can also be helpful.

How casting blame damages your relationship and you may not even realize you’re doing it!

I wrote these words about casting blame about a decade ago. While I’m not dealing with babies any more, I most definitely needed this reminder for myself. I’ve gotten better about it, but lately I’ve been struggling a bit again with feeling like I work harder than everyone else in my family. I start having a pity party, casting blame and being miserable.

But, I have it worse than you. No, I have it worse than you. Seriously, though, I have it worse than you. We all know people who are experts at casting blame. No matter what you say, they always have it worse. It’s a comparison game.  It can drive you batty. 

I have a person in my life who is an overachiever at this game. The problem is what she is comparing to whatever I’m saying isn’t even remotely close to being the same thing. It gets very frustrating to say the least. Most times I just laugh it off knowing that’s just her. Other times I want to pull my hair out.

I’m not sure why there is a competition over who’s life is the worst some times, but I’ve seen it so many times and it so many ways. Of course, I’m perfect and have never engaged in such a competition. Yeah, right. I’d love for that to be true. I’ve most definitely had my moments. It’s super easy when things get hard to look around and moan and groan about how easy everyone else has it. And if they only knew how hard things are for me. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I’ve so been there done that.

The blame game as a new parent

As a new parent, I really struggled with that. The only problem was that I was competing with my husband more than anyone else. I was frustrated that he didn’t know how hard I had it. I had a newborn. I was up with her throughout the night. I had mastitis. I had to stay up past her and pump. I had another bladder infection. I had to get up before her and pump. I had to try to squeeze in work at some point. I had to change diapers. I had to wash pump parts. I had to wash bottles. I had so much to do. It was so hard on me. Me, me, me! (I’m sure hormones were in this mix somewhere, too.)

What I eventually realized is — even though I wanted to smack him upside the head when I’d fall back into bed in the middle of the night because he was sleeping — he had it hard, too. He was waking up throughout the night, driving three hours to work and back each day, figuring out how to be productive while there and then coming home and taking over baby duty for a few hours so I could snooze. And I never even thought to offer the poor man dinner. He had his own struggles and challenges.

How to stop casting blame

I still have issues with this from time to time. But, I’m learning to remind myself when I do to think of things I appreciate about my husband and what he’s dealing with. Instead of being jealous of the guaranteed three hours of alone, quiet time he gets during his daily commute, I think about the crazy traffic he has to deal with. And how tired I know he is after long days. It seems so less glorious then.

At the same time, he’s got to appreciate me and help me for me to be OK doing that. It’s a give-and-take. While I thought after five years of dating and 12-1/2 years of marriage that we have all the kinks worked out, I’m learning that we don’t. There are always new kinks. They especially spring up with parenthood. We are learning some new ways to communicate. 

While before we had leisure time to talk without interruption, we now have limited time to talk without interruption and added stress of taking care of a little person on top of that. Our communication has sped up and gotten clearer. I’ve never been a person to play games or beat around the bush, but I do have times where I tend to lean to passive aggressiveness. And nothing pushes my husband’s buttons more than passive aggressiveness.

Don’t be a martyr

I’m remembering that I don’t have to be a martyr. (Poor Stacey. Look at how hard she has it.) When he’s taking the kiddo’s weekend nap time to play a video game and I’m taking the same time to fold laundry, straighten up the dining room and start on dinner, I have a couple of options. I can ask him to help. Or I can do it on my own and be thankful he’s getting a chance to relax after a hard week, especially when I might remember how he snuggled and played with the kiddo just a couple of hours earlier so I could take a long shower or read a magazine. It’s much better than shooting him glares he’ll never notice while folding laundry or slamming kitchen cabinets to make a point he won’t notice while making dinner. 

The problem is if I’m feeling like I need help and not asking for it (and to my husband’s major credit, when I ask, he almost always complies without a fuss) then later in that day, I usually get incredibly angry at him. And it blows into this whole big thing and I get wrapped up in how much I have to do and how hard I have it that it becomes so much a bigger issue than it should have been. 

It goes back to communication. Heck, I have two degrees in communication (journalism), so you’d think I would never struggle with it. And it also goes back to being so focused on myself and how hard I have in in comparison that I don’t even see his side of things. Of course he can’t read my mind.

Casting blame keeps our focus inward

In the end, many problems in life and many disagreements really come down to who has it worse. In our human nature we get into that comparison game. I think I have it worse than my husband when I’m doing household chores and he’s playing a video game. One mom thinks she has it worse than another because her kids are younger. Or whatever. The thing is somebody does always have it worse than somebody else. Life works that way. 

We aren’t all dealt the same hand at the same time. But, we are all dealt struggles. Unless you know someone’s story — and really KNOW their story — you don’t know how hard their life is. You think they have it easy. You think they are better off than you. But, they’re dealing with their own worries, doubts and fears. They’ve got their own stuff going on.

The best thing we can all do is get outside of ourselves and listen — really listen — to what those around us are saying. What are our spouses dealing with right now that is weighing on them more than we had thought? What are our friends going through that is breaking their heart when they are home alone? It’s not a comparison game. It’s a fight and struggle to get through this life. And we’re not the only ones in the fray. Everybody is backed into a corner in some way throughout their week.

My challenge to myself and to you is to stop our comparisons when they creep in and start looking around us. Start looking outside of our own struggles and realizing the people we’re dealing with (who may be driving us insane) are struggling, too. Maybe they deserve to be cut some slack. Maybe they don’t. Or maybe they really just need someone to listen and validate what they’re dealing with. And maybe that can be us.

It’s not about who has the most battle scars. It’s about who helped the most soldiers survive the battle.

Camping and life lessons learned from tent camping failures

I’m a relatively simple person. I enjoy the small things in life and quiet moments. I love nature and feel at peace in the solitude of being in the mountains or on a lake. And so I feel like tent camping should be a great activity for me. I mean, of course, I’m not all that outdoorsy and am kind of allergic to the sun (I get hives). I also can’t sleep on the actual ground because my fibromyalgia-ridden body would complete revolt. But otherwise, this camping thing should be perfect for me, right?!

In theory, tent camping is completely up my alley. It’s something I’d enjoy and be happy with. I don’t even mind too much getting dirty. I’m the kind of girl who baits her own hook when fishing with worms. (I’m also the kind of girl who goes on said fishing trip with a full face of makeup!)

But, alas. Tent camping seems to be something I just don’t have a knack for. Or maybe it’s just something that I have bad luck with. Each time we go tent camping, I go with a positive attitude that this time will be different. And, other than two overnights in a tent at a theme park (which doesn’t completely qualify as camping), I have been wrong.

Tent camping fail number one

My husband and I took our first camping trip just the two of us a few years before we had kids. We headed about three hours away. We left most of our belongings in the hatchback of our vehicle because the tent wasn’t huge. It worked just fine.

We camped in an area surrounded by sand dunes and lakes. We rented a dune buggy and had fun. Then we decided to rent a jet ski. While I grew up nearly constantly being in the water, my husband didn’t. Without thinking, he put the car keys in the pocket of his athletic shorts. He wasn’t planning to do much swimming.

But the jet ski tipped over on a wave in the huge lake and into the water we went. Back on shore after our rental ended, we realized my husband didn’t have the keys. Yep. They floated out of his pocket and were somewhere in the lake. We couldn’t get into our car, back to our campground or to any of our dry clothes. We were stuck. Doh!

My parents came to our rescue and headed to us with the spare set of keys from our house. They got an unexpected trip and rescued us. I’m not sure this fail was from tent camping or just our crummy luck, but it was my first experience as an adult with camping. It is certainly an unforgettable one!

Tent camping fail number two

Fast forward about eight years and our family had grown. We bought a larger tent on sale a couple of years previously and decided our kids were old enough to try some tent camping for a night. They were 3 and 6. We loaded up the car. Our first stop was to see Thomas the Train and then camp. But, the town where we planned to camp was inundated with rain with more forecasted. My husband suggested we look somewhere without rain and change our plans. So, we did so. We drove in the opposite direction and found a campground.

The campground was a bit soggy, but no rain was predicted for a couple of days. We didn’t get to roast marshmallows or anything by the time we got there, but we did get settled in for the night. I woke up in the middle of the night to hear the pitter-patter of raindrops on the tent roof. I thought it was relaxing. When I woke up cold soon thereafter cold, I even felt wet. As I woke up even more I realized it wasn’t a brain trick; I was wet. It was the middle of the night and the roof of our tent was leaking horribly.

We all woke up, cold and wet. I settled the kids in the car then helped my my husband tear down our tent in the rain and mud. We were soaked through and covered in mud. In our frustration, we threw the tent in the dumpster, assuming the rain protection was faulty.

Because all the nearby hotels were inexplicably booked, my husband drove us three hours home. I tried to keep the kids happy since they were tired.

When we got home and reasonably clean, we fell asleep — after remembering that we had packed ponchos in case we needed them. Doh!

Successful camping

Our next camping experiences were about two years after the rain leak fail. The kids wanted to go to a theme park nearby to ride roller coasters. I discovered the theme park offered an in-park camp night once a summer. It was a great deal, and we decided to go for it. We did that camping trip two years in a row.

I’m not so sure it was actually so much camping as it was sleeping in our (now new, bigger and easier to assemble) tent on a manicured law. But we liked it and made good memories. So, I’m calling it successful camping!

Tent camping fail number three

And that brings us to the most recent tent camping failure that happened just a few weeks ago. My kids keep wanting to go camping. As summer break wound down, we had a lapse in the heat and headed to a state park for two nights of tent camping. Our kids are now older (8 and 11). We were now wiser. This would be the camping trip of our dreams. Plus, the state park offered horseback riding — something both kids love right now!

The first night went swimmingly. We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. We played some games and had a good time. It rained overnight, and we didn’t get wet at all. The next morning we were raring to go and hit up the horseback riding. After lunch and a couple of excursions, we headed to our camp site to rest. Backing into our parking spot, we hit a tree stump that pulled about 1/3 of the front bumper loose.

It wasn’t a great way to start our downtime that afternoon. With some ingenuity and a carabiner clip, my husband got the bumper to stay in place until we got home the following day and he could repair it.

We all had a rest after that and then decided we’d go out for dinner. The sky was a beautiful blue. The weather forecast said 0% chance for rain. We talked about it and decided leaving our tent windows open was a good plan to keep the tent cool while we ate our pizza in town.

As we sat down for dinner, the wind dramatically kicked up. The sky grew dark. The rain poured down for about 10 minutes. We hoped the trees shielded our tent. We speculated that maybe it didn’t even rain at the campground, which was about five miles away from town.

But, we were wrong. We arrived back to camp to find our tent wasn’t in standing water, but it was wet. Our bedding, chairs and clean clothes were all wet. We discussed options and decided heading home a night early was the best choice. We tracked mud through the tent as we packed up to leave. In the end, we tied the wet, muddy tent on the roof of our vehicle. On the way home we frequently checked to make sure the bumper and tent were still attached.

The next day, we spent a few hours (quite literally) cleaning mud off of things. We hosed down the tent a couple of times and used the wet vac. My husband repaired the bumper. The kiddos sprayed down the chairs. We took a brush and hose to our shoes. Exhausted, we got everything put away and ended our camping adventure.

What we taught our children

While our oldest daughter remembers the second tent camping fail, our son doesn’t remember it quite as well. But now at 11 and 8, they certainly remember the most recent fail. We had discussions while we were unexpectedly packing up our campsite and the following day as we cleaned.

We told our children feeling disappointed by cutting our trip short was normal. In fact, we were disappointed, too. I mentioned that having had very minimal positive tent camping experiences, I felt all the more determined to go tent camping again and not let it defeat me. (Though I had a moment the day of scrubbing mud from the tent where I was fine to let camping be the victor!)

We also talked about working together. I was incredibly impressed with my children. They helped us pack everything up at the campsite and also clean everything up when we were home the following day. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but we determined this crummy thing happened and we got to choose how we reacted to it. Both packing up and dealing with the disappointment were much easier working together.

My husband and I each felt some responsibility for the soggy tent. We decided to take the risk and leave the windows open. But we didn’t blame each other. We explained to the kids that we had certainly learned a lesson. (Never again will we leave tent windows open while we’re away from the campsite!) And that’s what failure is about. We learn lessons, take them with us for the next time and move on. I pointed out to them that everyone messes up, and we don’t have to get really angry at ourselves when it happens. It’s an important lesson to learn.

In the end, our tent camping fails have given us memories at the least. And they’ve allowed us to teach our children how to react when life goes sideways. These weren’t the first time we’ve taught them that lesson, and they won’t be the last. I want my kids to be prepared for times life goes unexpectedly, because it surely will.

Now we just have to gather the courage to take on tent camping again with our lessons learned. One of these days, we will prevail in tent camping. At least I’m pretty sure we will!

Going from a gamer’s wife to a gaming wife changed our marriage

From the time I met him in high school my husband has been a gamer. He enjoys games of pretty much any variety from video to computer to roleplaying and more. I wasn’t so much a gamer. As a kid I played some Nintendo (I loved “Paperboy!”) and played family board or card games, but that was it. When we got married 21 years ago, I knew he was a gamer, but gaming was his hobby and not mine.

The early days of gaming and married life

In the early days of our marriage when we were still in college, my husband and his friends even had a weekly roleplaying night. I would sometimes bake treats for them (like brownies), but that was about the extent of my involvement with gaming. After all, I reasoned, spouses should have their own interests and hobbies.

I remember some of the other girlfriends and wives complaining about the guys’ gaming. It didn’t usually bother me. I knew my husband was a gamer when we got married. And his roleplaying nights gave me a chance to have some downtime of my own. The times he played video games through the week didn’t bother me so much. He didn’t put them before me, and I could easily tune them out while doing homework and such.

But, I began to realize that since gaming was such a big part of my husband’s life, I wanted to learn more about it. So, I took on a writing assignment for my college newspaper about a new gaming console. Off the record, I interviewed my husband for background information. After all, he wanted the new console, and I wanted to understand how it was different enough for us to budget money to buy it!

Slowly, I was starting to learn about his hobby, but I still wasn’t so into it. Every so often I played a video game with him, but I never participated in roleplaying games.

Starting to shift from gamer’s wife to gaming wife

Then, about five years into our marriage, things slowly shifted. We were no longer college students but young professionals. My husband’s video gaming with his friends was now more online than in-person. And he asked me to go along with him to a nearby gaming convention on a Saturday. It was a convention for tabletop games like roleplaying, trading card games, board games and the like.

I agreed to go and was overwhelmed by how many people attended and how much stuff there was. My husband tried a couple of game demos in the convention hall, and I watched. I didn’t feel comfortable at all with trying any demos myself.

Around this same time, my husband also shared with me a book series related to the role-playing game, Dungeons and Dragons. We decided to start reading R.A. Salvatore’s “The Legend of Drizzt” books together. As a lifelong avid reader, I’d never been into fantasy books at all. But, it wasn’t long until I was so wrapped up in the story of Drizzt that I couldn’t put the books down. I passed up my husband and kept on reading.

(The series is now 36 books long and I’ve read every single one of them. We have a painting of Drizzt on our living room wall and a figurine of him on our mantel. To say I became a complete fan girl is a bit of an understatement!)

We returned to the same gaming convention the next year. I found myself getting more drawn in and fascinated to see so many things related to what I had read about.

Giving gaming a try

Soon I started playing games with my husband. I joined in on some video games (my favorites were when he could lead the way through a board). We started playing some board games that were more fantasy-related rather than family board games.

And then I decided to give roleplaying games a try. I started with my husband and his friends. It was a little weird to go from being the snack maker to being one of the gamers as well. But, you know what I learned? It was fun! My shifter from gamer’s wife to gaming wife had been made and there was no turning back.

Each year, we attended the same gaming convention for multiple days and played various games. I was hesitant to try demos at first for fear of not learning the game well and embarrassing myself. After a couple of years, though, I got more confident and could learn most games pretty well from the start. Demos no longer intimidated me.

Once we had children, gaming became more challenging. Many of our gaming buddies moved away from us, which made it challenging as well. But we still loved playing together whenever we got the chance. That remains true to this day (well, it will once we are through this pandemic). And as a result of gaming, our marriage grew stronger.

Gaming and marriage

While our marriage was first strengthened by my taking an interest in a hobby my husband enjoyed, it grew even stronger once I started gaming as well. I know some women grouse about their guys playing games. I get that. And I also understand video game addiction is real.

However, my experience with gaming and marriage has been positive. I learned early on to look at my husband’s gaming time as time for me to do things I wanted to do. My husband has always made me (and later our children) a priority over gaming. That helps as well.

Gaming together has brought us closer. We now get to see each other in new ways and have fun stories to recall together. We still laugh about the time my character nearly died just trying to walk around a valley in a roleplaying game years ago because I got one bad dice roll after another.

I love getting a chance to see my husband’s creativity come to life. He is a magnificent game master (meaning person in charge of the gaming session). He is quick-thinking and can come up with all sorts of scenarios and handle whatever the players throw his way. I also get a chance to see his leadership ability (which is one of his innate skills).

Gaming together helped me understand more why he is so good in a crisis; he sees multiple options and contingency plans. He’s a smart guy. He’s also a fabulous strategist. Once after my husband finished a demo of a new game at one gaming convention, the game’s creator shook his hand. He raved about how my husband had come up with such a great strategy.

Gaming has taught me more about my husband. I think it’s taught him more about me as well. And it’s helped me grow and evolve. Real-life Stacey wouldn’t be nearly as bold as some of the characters I’ve played. As an introvert, thinking quickly on my feet is often challenging for me, but I’m now much better at doing so.

Gaming as a team

The final aspect of gaming and marriage is working together as a team. In roleplaying type games, players work together for the common good. When my husband and I get to play together (when he isn’t in charge), we also get to work together. It’s good practice for real life. Just as real-life Stacey and Chris know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, so we also learn those of our characters and as gamers. We can better work together as a result.

And when we are on opposite sides and my husband is the game master in charge of the bad guys, I have learned he doesn’t have it out for us players. I don’t take things so personally. (It was a bit of a struggle in the early days, I admit!) I know he is working to ultimately make sure we have a fun and interesting gaming experience.

While gaming isn’t for everyone, it’s been a really good hobby for my husband and me. He’s still the bigger gamer between the two of us. However, I’m glad to have this hobby we can share together whenever we get a chance. Gaming and marriage really can go together quite nicely!

6 ways to connect in the busyness of raising kiddos

My husband and I were married for 10 years before our first child was born. We had 10 years of being able to do things like talk without interruption! Now as the parents to an 11-year-old and an 8-year-old life is different, and we can struggle to finish a conversation. Learning how to connect with your spouse in the midst of raising a family can be challenging. We’ve found a few strategies that work for us.

Connecting with your spouse is about more than going on dates. While date night is awesome and I highly encourage it, connection means taking the time to really listen to each other. You certainly can (and sometimes need to) share your deepest feelings, but you also should share the small stuff as well.

I mean all the things you think about in the shower that you mean to talk to your spouse about but don’t get a chance to. Or all the things you start to say and get interrupted. I’d say it even includes some logistical details sometimes that you just need to communicate and connect about. Connection is about sharing life together.

1. Find good times to talk.

One of the best ways to connect with your spouse comes by communicating well. I learned pretty early on in our just over two decades of marriage to start important conversations with the question: “Is this a good time to talk?”

That one question has saved us some grief and arguments in our marriage. Since my husband and I work from home together, we have plenty of opportunities to interrupt each other at inopportune times. So in order to connect with each other, we start with finding the right time to do so.

He may have something he wants to discuss with me and connect with me about right when I’m in the middle of trying to finish an article before my deadline. Or I might need to talk with him about something that happened right when he is preparing for a conference call.

By asking if it’s a good time (and being kind and honest with the question and response), our chance to actually connect improves. Some times are just not convenient times to listen — really listen — to what someone is saying to you.

2. Set boundaries with your kids.

This one looks different depending on your kids’ ages. We haven’t dealt with this with teenagers since our oldest kiddo is 11, but we’ve dealt with it through every stage previous.

The baby days are hard because babies are unpredictable. So, you have to get creative in order to connect with your spouse. When our youngest was a newborn, my husband knew I was struggling. While our daughter had always been a good sleeper, our son wasn’t. I had many nights where I was up the entire night only able to sleep about two hours before our 3-year-old was up for the day. I would literally fall asleep in the middle of saying something to my husband when he got home from work.

One night, my husband left an encouraging note on the changing table reminding me that I could wake him if I needed to. That short note, written on a piece of paper torn from a notebook was the perfect way to connect at that point in our lives.

As our children got older, we got into routines as a family. Their bedtimes coincided. Quiet or nap times overlapped intentionally. Even now they both have to be in their rooms for the night at the same time. So, my husband and I know that by 8:15 p.m., both kiddos should be settled in for the night. That’s important because those are times we know we can connect.

And then there are other times (especially right now with virtual schooling) that we stop our kids from coming into the home office during the day because my husband and I need a moment to connect. Sometimes we connect even by grousing about school assignments together!

3. Utilize kid-free time.

Kid-free time seems like it would be a no-brainer to connect with your spouse, but sometimes we get distracted and spend that time doing other things. I’m an introvert and recharge with quiet. I completely understand that sometimes kid-free time means you just want to not talk or do anything productive. And you need those breaks!

Just make sure that you allow some time for your spouse in the midst of it. Make some time to chat about what’s been going on in your lives or thoughts. My husband and I even end up spending kid-free time talking about the kids. We are in this parenting thing together and sometimes we need to connect about how we’re doing it to make sure we stay on the same page.

When it comes simply to connecting, no topic is taboo, not even your kiddos. The act of sharing your thoughts and concerns with each other connects you with your spouse.

4. Do something fun together.

One of the best ways to connect with your spouse is doing something fun together. This totally depends on what you guys find fun, but look for something you both enjoy.

That said, don’t be afraid to branch out and try what your spouse thinks is fun and vice versa. Since he was a kid, my husband has been a gamer. He enjoys both video games and tabletop games, specifically role playing games. While I played video games with him occasionally, I resisted tabletop role playing games for year.

When I finally tries role playing games with my husband, I found that I enjoy them as well. It’s something fun we love doing together and lets me see a whole different side of my husband and his creativity. And we end up with memories made together that we can talk — and usually laugh — about later.

We also enjoy watching movies together. While it doesn’t sound like something to connect us, we talk about them afterward. We usually don’t have in-depth discussions (though it’s happened and you totally could), but even just sharing what we each thought of the movie helps us connect with each other.

5. Go for a ride or run errands together.

The car can be the perfect place for connecting with your spouse when it’s just the two of you. Nobody can interrupt your conversations! My husband and I have done some of our best connecting on car rides and/or while running errands together.

We’ve connected and had fun while shopping for our kids’ birthday gifts. When we go on road trips for doctor’s appointments for me, we spend part of that time talking and going over topics we care about. We’ve talked through all sorts of things in the car.

Another way we sometimes connect on longer trips is listening to Podcasts together. My husband has some favorite ones he’ll listen to while I read or nap. But there are some we like listening to together as well. (One of our joint favorite Podcasts is a role playing game.) You could also listen to audio books together if that’s more your style.

6. Don’t forget the small stuff.

Finally, connect with your spouse in small ways that make big differences. The right words can make your bond stronger. Say thank you when you notice your spouse doing chores or taking care of something so you don’t have to. Stop and give your spouse a hug when he or she is folding laundry. Pick up their favorite treat at the grocery store.

Connection in marriage happens in small ways every day. You don’t have to have long discussions on deep topics. Your actions and facial expressions can connect you just as much as words. I love the feeling when my husband and I share “a look” about something adorable our kids have done or even something frustrating that’s happened. It reminds me we are on the same page and on the same team going through life. And that’s what connection is all about!

9 Things I’ve learned in the last three years sharing a home office with my husband

When I started working as a freelance journalist back in 2003, I was the only person in my family working from home. Since then, I’ve always worked from home. Eventually my only co-worker was our pooch and I worked from a home office with just him around.

Then in October 2009, we had our first baby. I didn’t do as much work or spend as much time in the office after she was born. My husband got to periodically work from home but not very often.

When I was pregnant with our second baby in 2012, I boxed up many of my work things in the home office because my husband was working from home a bit more often, and I knew I’d be working less once I had two little ones on my hands.

By 2014, when we had a 1-year-old and 4-year-old, my husband’s job changed so that he was working from home most of the time. He spent the first few years working from home nearly solo as I was taking care of our kiddos and only doing a bit of work here and there.

When we built our home in 2017, we knew I’d be able to start working more again because our son was heading to kindergarten that fall. We tweaked the floor plan so what was the formal living room became the home office. And, for the first time, my husband and I were going to share office space.

Getting on the same page

As we began planning the layout for our home office, I realized my husband and I had different ideas. I suggested we get matching desks and have them connected, facing each other.

My husband suggested we take a page from “I Love Lucy” and put masking tape down the center of the room to keep our sides — and our belongings — separate.

So we had to figure out how to best arrange the space to meet both our needs. As a writer and the manager of our family, I deal with a lot of paperwork. As a computer security consultant, my high-tech husband has very little paperwork. He didn’t want my paperwork (mess) spilling over onto his desk. Fair enough.

We decided that we’d each have desks facing the same direction (the door) with mine on one side and his on the other. Basically, we are sitting side-by-side but with a good-sized “aisle” between us.

I’ve got a filing cabinet behind me and one in my desk to help organize my paperwork. We have a shelving unit with our printer and other office supplies in one corner. We each have a large bookshelf as well for our books and other knick-knacks we like.

Working together but separately

One of the issues we’ve had to tackle is working together in the same room but doing completely different jobs. Because we aren’t doing the same work for the same company, we had to figure out how to make that work together.

We had some practice with this before sharing an office. If I had to schedule an article interview while the kids were home, I coordinated with my husband to make sure he could be available for kid duty.

Sharing the office works much the same way. If I’m scheduling an important interview, I check in with my husband’s schedule to avoid us both having important calls at the same time.

Every so often, we do have calls that overlap. In those instances, I leave the office and head to the kitchen table to do my call. I work from a laptop plugged into a monitor and am much more mobile than my husband in that regard.

Being noise considerate

One of the biggest issues in working from home together is dealing with noise. Work can be noisy. I generally work best with music on. My husband often needs to watch videos for work or has them on for background as he’s working. Other times, we need quiet.

But, our times for each of these things don’t always line up well. Sometimes I need my writing music while he is watching a video. Sometimes he needs to watch a video for work while I’m doing a phone interview. Headphones are awesome for helping us stay noise considerate of each other.

We don’t always use our headphones. There are times we don’t need to, but it’s nice to be able to pop in my noise canceling earbuds when I’m working on a big deadline and need to type to the soundtrack of “Riverdance” without distraction.

Being aware of call etiquette

Working from home almost always means that you’re going to have to make and take calls. Some are scheduled and some are random. I know, for example, that my husband has a conference call every weekday morning at 9 a.m.

So if I need to print something (which is a bit noisy), I’ll try and do so before or after his call. If I’m working in the other room (which happens more right now because I’m helping my 2nd grader with his schoolwork), I will try to get things I need from the office beforehand or wait until afterward.

We also pay attention if the other one gets or makes a call. If we have volume going on music or something else, we either pause it or switch to headphones.

The person on the phone or video call also usually uses headphones. We avoid speakerphone because neither of us needs to hear the entire conversation going on with the other person’s work.

If we have calls scheduled outside of usual times, we will often share that with one another just as a heads-up so we both know what to expect during the day.

Deciding on priority

This can be a touchy subject, but there are times we have to decide on whose work has the most priority. Right now when we are also virtual schooling, this is even more the case. For example, I have a weekly deadline on Mondays at noon. My husband knows this, so he will check in with me in between his work tasks to see if I need any help with schooling so I can work uninterrupted.

Speaking of schooling, we had to talk about who would be the point person in virtual schooling the kids. (For the majority of this school year, we have been virtually schooling by choice.) We talked ahead of time about how to make it happen along with our work. We determined I was in the better position to deal with schooling.

In our family, my husband’s job has higher priority because his is the steady, consistent income that also provides our family with health benefits. He also has a more rigid schedule for work than I do. So, we prioritize that higher. Each family and situation is different, but for us that’s what works best.

Finding good times to talk

While we give each other space and peace and quiet to work, we also do want to and enjoy talking with one another. The guy is my best friend! We’ve found one phrase that has helped so very much in working from home together: Is this a good time to talk? (Check out this post on improving communication in your marriage.)

We might want to run work-related ideas by each other, share a story about our kids, tell the other something funny we just read, go over finances or just about anything else. And all of that will go better if we both have the time and are in the head space to do so.

Because we usually have an idea what’s going on with the other’s work, we are almost always aware when is definitely NOT a good time to interrupt the other. And then we usually just wait. (Sometimes I make a note in my planner or set a reminder so I don’t forget to talk with my husband about the topic later. I get distracted by work, kids and life and thoughts can get lost!)

Helping each other

One of the neat things about working at home together is getting a chance to help each other with work. Back when I was the only one of us working from home, if I needed to bounce an idea off of someone or needed tech help, I’d have to wait until my husband got home. And then that only worked if we didn’t have anything else going on and if I remembered!

Working at home together, we have a co-worker with an outside perspective, which can be helpful to talk through an issue. We also can use our skills to help each other. Because my husband is a technology guru, he’s always been my tech guy. Nowadays he can even help me with smaller issues that pop up. Like if I’m having website trouble or need help figuring out a formatting issue in Excel.

And I can edit documents he has to write for work. Earlier this year, I was literally his hands after his shoulder surgery when he couldn’t type. He told me what to type for a report and I did so.

Working from home together gives my husband and me yet another way to be a team.

Knowing when to keep our mouths shut

Lest you think that working from home together is all roses, there are times we irritate with one another. I hate the sound of people chewing, especially crunching. So I’ve had times when my husband was having a snack that I popped in my headphones and cranked up the volume to not be so irritated.

I know I’ve irritated him as well. But just like with majority of time in our relationship, usually we’re irritated about something else that has nothing to do with our spouse!

Getting to see each other as professionals

Before we spent every day working from home together, I knew a bit of what my husband did and that he was good at it. Now that I hear him interacting with clients and doing research, I have a whole new appreciation for his work.

In the 26 years we’ve been together, I’ve seen him in many roles. Getting to regularly see him in his professional role is pretty cool.

Working from home together lets us celebrate our small work successes together. We get to cheer each other on. Having a co-worker who is always on your side and rooting for your best is priceless.

What the past 20 years as a missus have taught me about love and marriage

Last week, my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I can scarce believe it’s been two decades of marriage! We married young. I was 20 and only halfway through undergrad. He was 22 and had just gotten a full-time job while going to school part-time.

A lot has changed since we first said “I do,” and yet a lot has remained the same as well. We have grown and changed together. We have learned so much about what love and marriage really mean.

1. Being married doesn’t mean losing yourself.

Since we got married young, we were both still figuring out our place in the world. We knew some of who we were, but we hadn’t had a huge amount of life lived to really refine and define us. We just knew we loved each other and God — and that was enough.

Through the years, we also learned that being married as one didn’t make each of us any less of who we were individually. In fact, being together brought out the best of our individual selves. I am a better person today because of my husband. And sometimes it’s OK to do things apart from one another. Even as husband and wife, you still need your own space.

2. Marriage is a team sport.

I probably say this more than anything else when I talk about marriage and relationships. We are a team. Though neither one of us are sports fans, we learned early on to be a team and have a team mentality in our relationship.

Our goal above all is to support one another and be on the same side. My husband and I do best when we approach life as a team working together instead of as opponents each looking out for ourselves. Nobody else has my back more than my husband and the same is true in reverse. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders and are the safe place for each other to land when life is hard.

3. Laughter and fun are vital to a happy marriage.

We laugh a lot. Life is serious. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it brings us to our knees, but any chance we find for humor, we take it. We laugh together as much as we can because taking ourselves too seriously never ends well. Laughter also gives us perspective on whether something is really all that important. We try to adhere to the thought that if we’re going to laugh about it later, why not go ahead and laugh about it now?!

And my husband 100 percent gets my quirky, punny sense of humor and exploits it often. I’m not sure I should be as old as I am and still giggle, but he still makes me giggle. For that, I am thankful!

We also have fun together playing games. Gaming was his hobby when we first got married. Through the years I have evolved from a gamer’s wife into a gaming wife, and I’m so glad I did. We have such a good time together when we get a chance to play together!

4. Marriage is made for giving grace.

My husband has taught me so much about grace just by giving it to me. Sometimes I get snippy with my husband because I’m having a bad day or a bad moment, and he will respond with love instead of irritation. I’ve done the same for him. Grace isn’t an excuse to treat each other badly. It just means that when one of us is having a bad moment, the other one recognizes it and doesn’t respond with anger or irritation and escalate the situation.

We also don’t partake in the blame game when someone messes up. We learned that the second day we were married when we ran out of gas on our way to our honeymoon. We were both so excited to be married and going somewhere together that neither of us remembered to get gas on the way. Instead of blaming one or the other of us, we both realized it was a mistake and figured out how to fix it while also having a great story to tell for years to come.

5. You’ve got to make each other a priority.

My husband and I both work from home. While I’ve worked from home since 2003, he has only worked from home the last few years. For the last year or so, we’ve shared a home office. So, we are together a lot. In fact, we’re together more than we’re not.

Yet, we still have to make connecting with each other a priority. Because life gets in the way. While we work side-by-side, we have different jobs. Add in house stuff and the kids, and actually connecting can be challenging. We’ve found that making time to have a meal just the two of us or chatting once the kids are in bed is important for our relationship.

6. Being married means being your true self with someone else.

I think one of the best ways to know if you really, truly love someone is how comfortable you feel being yourself with them — being your true self that comes out when you’re at home and nobody is watching. My husband and I have that comfort with each other. He has seen me at both my best and worst and loves me still. I have seen him at his best and worst and still love him. I am thankful we can be comfortable with each other.

7. Spouses aren’t mind readers.

While my husband knows me better than anyone else, he still can’t read my mind. Early on in our marriage, I learned that communicating well is important. If there is something I want or need my husband to do, I ask politely.

My husband is highly annoyed by passive aggressive behavior. (Really, who isn’t?!) We have learned to cut it out of our interactions. It’s nice because we know what we say is what we mean. The only games being played around our house are of the video, board or role playing variety — not in our relationship.

8. Poking fun at each other isn’t a good idea.

We don’t make fun of each other. It’s another lesson learned early on that poking fun or joking at the other person’s expense can lead to hurt feelings and undermine our relationship. We do joke with each other and can poke fun at ourselves. But we definitely know the limits.

9. Keeping God in your marriage is important.

From the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I strived to honor God with our choices. When we got engaged, that only became more important and more serious. Our engagement in the middle of college caused some friction, and we found ourselves in prayer and Bible study to determine whether we had heard God correctly or not.

Our marriage spiritual walk has changed and grown as we have. We did a pre-marital Bible study together. We’ve done couples’ devotion books together. We now do a family devotion together with our kids each evening. I’ve learned that my husband has some awesome spiritual insight and thoughts that haven’t occurred to me. He is one of the only people I feel comfortable with getting into the really meaty struggles of faith and my relationship with God because I know I can trust him fully.

We have kept each other accountable. We have encouraged each other in our faith walks. We have grown spiritually together. We have joint stories of God’s work, goodness, grace and mercy that we can share. I’ve also learned that when my relationship with God is on track and growing then my relationship with my husband is even better.

10. Talking negatively about your spouse to others isn’t helpful.

When we were first married, we had some friends who were also newlyweds and would gripe about their spouses. We made a deal that if we had a problem with each other, we would address it with the other and not complain about it to our friends.

That policy has served us well. First of all, we don’t want to focus on the things that can drive us crazy about our spouse, which is what happens with griping. Second, it keeps us communicating and fixing issues, which is healthy. And third, our friends will remember negative gripes we’ve had about our spouse long after we have forgiven them and moved on.

11. Bragging on your spouse is always permitted.

Everybody loves compliments. The more you can brag on your spouse about what they are good at or do well, the better you feel about him and the better he feels about him and you as a result.

Nothing feels better than being recognized for what you do or what you do well. So many life experiences go against positivity. Any time you can be positive about your spouse, do so!

12. Being best friends with your spouse is awesome.

While I do have other friends, my husband is by far my best friend. He’s the person I go to first with good news or bad news. He’s the person I laugh with the most and genuinely want to hang out with the most.

As an introvert who needs alone and downtime, I can enjoy the company of friends but still feel a bit drained as a result. That isn’t true with my husband. He sees the real me and is still my best friend. I am so thankful for that!

13. Sometimes you just have to trust your spouse’s knowledge.

One of the things that drew me to my husband way back when we were in high school was how intelligent he is. He is a smart guy. He thinks outside the box. He comes up with efficient ways to accomplish tasks. He can visualize things that I cannot.

Long ago, I learned to trust his knowledge when it is superior to mine. When we were looking for a new house a decade ago, we had a discussion as to whether the dining room set we had would fit in one of the houses we were looking at. I wasn’t sure. My husband said yes. I conceded he knew best because I really can’t visualize well and know he can. Our realtor was shocked. But it just makes sense. He has strengths. I have strengths. It makes sense to use those strengths instead of fight against them.

14. Romance changes as you go.

One time when my husband and I were dating, he gave me a small teddy bear holding a pair of earrings. Another time, I left him a note on his car while he was inside his work. Those were sweet and romantic gestures, but they were nothing compared to the romantic gestures of love that come with being married for so long.

For example, he’s driven me out of state for doctor appointments many times to allow me to see a specialist for my chronic health issues. While that may not scream romance as we see it in movies and on television, it does to me. He has given up his own time and comfort because he loves me and wants me to feel better. He has worked late to be able to take off and go with me. He hasn’t complained when I wasn’t up to even help with driving. That is romance and love beyond anything a flower or card could say.

15. Traditional romantic gestures are still nice and appreciated!

While number 14 is 100 percent true, we do also still appreciate traditional romantic gestures. Nice meals out just the two of us are priceless. A card left with words of love is sweet. Surprise flowers or flowers for an occasion are precious.

On our anniversary last week, for example, I spent the afternoon with both kids swimming on their last day of summer break. I came home worn out and found a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a nice card and my favorite candy waiting for me from my husband. It was unexpected, and I looked a frightful mess. I also loved every moment of it!

16. Good life experiences are even better when shared with someone you love.

I love being a mama. But I love more sharing the parenthood journey with my husband. I love sharing all my journeys with him. We can share a quick look and know what the other is thinking. No one else finds our children so adorable, smart, charming, precious and hilarious as we do.

No one else understands the small victories (or big ones) we have quite as much as each other. We’ve celebrated together over things that don’t make much sense to anyone else, which is exactly how it should be!

17. Marriage is made for inside jokes.

I’ve struggled many times throughout my life with feeling left out, whether legitimately or perceived. If there were inside jokes, I often wasn’t included.

However, that’s not true with my husband. And in 25 years of being together, we have plenty to go around. There are things that happened a decade or more ago that still can come up randomly and make us laugh together. Inside jokes are a pretty precious gift, even (and maybe especially) when no one else would find them remotely funny.

18. Take and print photos.

When my husband and I first got married, it was before digital cameras were common and way before phone cameras were around. In fact, a video from the day of our wedding includes a friend of ours talking about his new digital camera and how it holds six pictures!

In our early days we used film cameras. I started a photo album tradition for each year we were married of putting together photos for that year with captions. That meant having the photos printed, the typing, printing and cutting out the captions before putting them together into albums.

While my process has changed, thanks to online photo sites, I still make an album for each year with photos and caption info. I’ve found these to be priceless even after only 20 years. Having recently gone through photos of my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary, I can only say they’ll get more precious with time. I hope one day our kids will be glad to have them, too.

Taking photos of each other and together even when you aren’t social media ready is important. And I’d daresay it’s also important to have some cherished photos just for you and not just to post on social media.

19. Marriage means having a built-in sounding board.

I enjoy being able to bounce ideas off my husband, and he enjoys the same in reverse. Sometimes making both large and small decisions is just easier when you have someone to talk it through with.

We have talked together through major life decisions like having babies and moving. And we regularly talk through very minor decisions like what home project to work on next or what after-school activities our kids can participate in.

20. Marriage gives you a permanent sidekick.

This is one of my favorite parts of marriage. I’ve got a person by my side for always. Sometimes that looks like my husband going with me to a friend’s wedding or me going with him to a family reunion. Other times it looks like him taking over with the kids so I can go to dinner with a friend or I take over so he can play games with friends.

We’ve each gone to events for one another that we didn’t really want to, but it’s always been better being together than apart. We learned early on in our marriage to discern and communicate what activities are important to have each other there and what ones are OK to give a pass. Being honest with each other about what is most important to us has helped us know how to best be there for each other and be able to rely on each other to come along when we ask them to.

Accepting advice from the person we’re married to can be challenging!

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This post first appeared on my former blog in 2014. Its message still applies. While I continue to get better at accepting unsolicited advice from my husband, I am still a work in progress!

It happened this morning. I was in the kitchen making some homemade bread, which in and of itself sounds impressive, right? Add in that I was doing so while the toddler randomly swirled around my feet whining and while keeping track of eggs boiling on the stove for tonight’s chef salad dinner sounds even more impressive, I’m sure.

My daughter was at the table playing. My husband was on the couch in the dining room checking work e-mails and helping to keep the roaming toddler from eating things out of the trashcan. I got the bread going in my beloved stand mixer and set the timer for eight minutes to let the dough get worked around in the mixer. And that’s when it happened.

“Is the mixer supposed to jump around like that?” my husband asked.

I almost rolled my eyes. THIS was my domain. I was the one who was the expert. After all, I’d had the mixer just over a year and had read at least six bread recipes on Pinterest. I’d heard about stand mixers jumping around while kneading dough.

“Yes,” I said. “It did this last time, too.”

A minute later he piped up with, “Does it lock?  Do you have it locked?”

Another silent sigh from me. “Yes, it locks, but it’s not locked.”

“What I’m reading online says you’re supposed to lock the top down.”

Hhmmm. OK. I flipped the switch. “Now it’s locked,” I said.

And I noticed the mixer did settle down a bit. My husband went on to tell me that he had read some tips. He was right on this, even though I had not sought his advice.  

A moment later my phone dinged with new e-mail. I checked it to see if it was a source I’ve been waiting to hear from for an article. Nope. It was an e-mail from my husband with links to a couple of sites with helpful tips about my Kitchenaid mixer that I love so dearly.

“You sent me an e-mail about the mixer?” I asked, incredulously.  

I was trying to remind myself to be grateful for the accurate albeit unsolicited advice. In my head, I was thinking more along the lines of, “Back off, buddy. THIS is MY domain. Do I come into your office and tell you how to test the security of that company’s network?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I found some good information. From what I read, you could actually break your stand mixer and I know you wouldn’t be happy about that.”

I gritted my teeth. He was right. Dang it! “Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.”

I’ll pretend like I was gracious in that response. But the fact that he then looked at me and informed me he saw right through me to know I was bristling will tell you that my tone did not match my words.

We get all sorts of unsolicited advice from a variety of sources. If you’re a parent, it comes in from the beginning. Everybody and their brother tells you ways to get your baby to sleep better, eat better, poo better and on and on the list goes. From outside sources, it’s easy enough to be polite and then move on. But inside sources, like our spouses, offering unsolicited advice can be much tougher to handle.

This isn’t the first time my husband has given me unsolicited advice and I’m sure it won’t be the last. And while my response today wasn’t super stellar, it was at least tempered by the fact that I know his advice to be sound and I know it to be coming from a good place. Men like to fix things. He likes to help me fix things.

And he knows me quite well. I have done many tasks throughout our marriage and my life that I’ve made more difficult than I need to. He’s swooped in and saved me multiple times in the past.

I’m learning to listen. I’m learning to try and be more grateful on the outside in hopes that it will follow on the inside. I’ve also learned that I do eventually feel grateful on the inside. At the moment of the advice, I don’t. I feel criticized and annoyed. But later on, I realize that my life has been improved as a result of this advice. Because, shockingly enough, I don’t actually know everything!

I’ve learned this with parenting alongside my husband as well. He’s found tricks to help with the kids that I haven’t (and vice versa). Between our daughter’s and son’s births, I learned to listen better and not be irritated with him. After all, he was the first to figure out what was going on with our daughter’s feeding issues.  

He has good information. My husband is a smart man who thinks outside the box and is tenacious to come up with solutions and easier ways to do things. This is part of what I love about him. This is part of what makes him such a great husband and life partner.  

In fact, I’ve learned to seek his advice in areas of my life that I hadn’t thought to early on because I know he’s so good at coming up with awesome solutions. But when advice comes at me when I’m not looking for it and I think I know the best way to do something, then I get defensive. (And did I mention that I am also a bit stubborn?)

I’m working to accept unsolicited advice as graciously as if I had asked for the help. Later today, I will tell my husband that I am sincerely grateful for his tip about the mixer. It makes sense. His suggestions worked better and if it saves my beloved mixer from harm, that’s even better. I do appreciate it.  

And step by step, maybe I’ll get better at being more grateful sooner than later. Talk to me in another 20 years and we’ll see. I hope I make more progress. If not, perhaps I’ll ask my husband for his advice on how to do so!

With advice from my husband, my stand mixer is still working well five years later. I love it so much! Read more about my love for my stand mixer here:

Be sure to check out some of my favorite recipes I use my stand mixer for!