Families With Grace

Helping Christian moms create homes filled with grace, love & faith

Author: Stacey A. Shannon

Stacey A. Shannon is a freelance journalist and blogger who has been published internationally. She's also a Christian, a wife and a mom of two school-aged children. She started Families with Grace in 2019 to encourage Christian moms as they create homes filled with grace, love and faith. Be sure to get the FREE family devotion book, "Finding Grace at Home: 7 Days of 5 Minute Devotions for Families." It's a great way to help your family draw closer to each other and to God. Motherhood can be lonely. You weren't meant to go on your motherhood journey alone. Connect with Stacey and other Christian moms like you in the private Facebook group, Moms with Grace! And check out the books from Stacey A. Shannon as well!

10 Tips for newlyweds (and the rest of us, too!)

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

In 2018, two of my good friends got married. Each time we go to a wedding or know someone getting married, I think of things I’d say to them if they asked me. I try not to just spout off unwanted advice, which is why I’m blogging about it instead! I don’t have a perfect marriage, because those don’t exist, but my husband and I have learned a few things along the way in our 19-1/2 years of being married. Today I’m sharing 10 of them. Once I got started, I had trouble stopping, so I’m breaking this up into two blog posts. Check back Monday for more!

1. Forgiveness. Learn it. Live it. Embrace it. Remember that the person you’re sharing your life with is human. He or she is going to mess up along the way. You have to learn to forgive easily and often. Never hold grudges. It’s not worth it. Love can prevail, if you let it. And, remember, your spouse is going to have to do a lot of forgiving of you. Sometimes I can feel all high and mighty that I don’t get mad at my husband for certain things he does. Then I think about how the crazy things I do and how he reacts so well, and I knock myself right off my pedestal.

2. Communication is sooooo important. I love superheroes these days. Some of them have the power to read minds. But, your spouse isn’t one of them. He or she has no idea what you’re thinking unless you tell them. Communicate often about everything from money to dinner to work to chores. Share what you’re thinking. Share what you’re expecting. See if it lines up with what your spouse is thinking and expecting. If it doesn’t, then communicate some more until you figure it out. Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit down together over a meal, focus on one another with no distractions and talk. My husband and I started our relationship with long phone calls. I wasn’t old enough to go on dates with him. Now, 25 years later, I feel like we still need to have those times that we just talk. If you find yourselves missing chances to connect, make them happen. Planning is OK.

3. Never compare workloads. This was especially an issue for me after the birth of our first daughter like I recently shared in “How to keep your relationship strong with a newborn.” We were 10 years into being married when it really cropped up, but I had to deal with it. Sometimes you’re going to do more than your spouse. And sometimes your spouse is going to do more. One of you may have to work longer hours at work. One of you may have to pick up slack at home. One of you may do all the cooking. But as long as both of you are contributing, let it go.

4. Going along with number three, appreciate one another. Say thank you often and mean it. My husband takes out the trash for us. I thank him almost every time he does. Sure it’s sort of his “job” around here, but it keeps me from having to do it. And I know that my husband doesn’t enjoy this task; he just does it because it has to be done. He thanks me for making dinner. Everyone wants to be appreciated for what they do, no matter how small. Saying a sincere thanks goes a long way.

5. Learn to enjoy or at least respect things your spouse enjoys. My husband has been a gamer since before I knew him. He loves role playing games, tabletop games and video games. He can spend hours playing games. I learned early on to let it go and let him enjoy his gaming time (as long as we still got plenty of couple time and everything else that needed done was getting done). We had our fair share of discussions of what this would look like. We set some parameters like designating one evening a week for him to get together and game with his friends. I realized that gave me one evening to do whatever I wanted to do. Along the way, I started asking questions about what he was doing. If it was important to him, then I wanted to hear about it. I slowly developed an interest in gaming, too. Now it’s a hobby we often enjoy together. And I sincerely wish we had the time and gamer buddies around to get back to the gaming once a week like he did in college. I’ve evolved. Our relationship has evolved and it’s better because of it.

6. Don’t forget who YOU are. While it’s important to do things together as a couple, you still need to remember that you’re individuals. In my dad’s speech to us on our wedding day he said, “Remember that you are Chris. And you are Stacey. And together you are Chris and Stacey.” It sounds a bit abstract, but I think what he meant was that we are a couple together. We do things together. We must spend time together to grow our relationship, but we can’t forget the individuals we are and the things we enjoy doing on our own. We can’t lose ourselves. After all, if I lost myself then I’d no longer be the person my husband fell in love with.

7. Talk about how you’re going to navigate extended family affairs before conflict arises. Each of you have your own family traditions. Each of you have your own expectations of how things are going to go. For example, my family used to get together to celebrate everything all the time. Come the month of June with a ridiculous amount of birthdays and you’d find us eating out and celebrating each and every one. That’s mellowed out as we’ve gotten older, but in the early days, I fully expected my husband would participate in every single family gathering and celebration. If he had a long day at work, too bad. If he had just been with my family the night before for something else, too bad. And that time didn’t count as our time of doing stuff together. Anyone else picking up on the unfairness here? I learned through the years to listen to my husband. I learned to communicate back to him what was important to me. Maybe he needed some downtime for one family activity but I really wanted him to participate in another one instead. We’d do that. I’ve learned that’s OK. We don’t even have to be tied at the hip for family activities. Let’s not even get started on holidays. Seriously, start figuring out your game plan for your first married Thanksgiving and Christmas by September at the latest. It’s tricky. Also know you probably can’t make everyone happy. Do what works best for you, but don’t forget to communicate that to your families and offer alternative days to celebrate if necessary.

8. Don’t put your business in the street. What I mean is if you’re having a problem with your spouse, talk to him or her about it. Don’t talk to your friends about it. Don’t talk to your parents about it. And definitely never post about it on social media. Keep your personal business personal. Your friends and family will remember all the negative things you said long after you and your spouse have let something go. Your relationship doesn’t involve anyone else besides your spouse and God. The only business you can share is positive affirmations. Go ahead and brag about your spouse to others sometimes. You get bonus points for bragging on them when they’re around. My husband and I aren’t a mushy, gushy couple, but I do like when chances arise that I can point out his good qualities or things I appreciate about him, which leads to number nine.

9. Be each other’s biggest cheerleaders. The world can be a cruel and harsh place filled with lots of naysayers and people who are thrilled to knock you down a notch. Your spouse is the person who should build you up the most. Take time to listen, support and encourage one another. Celebrate good news together. The first person I want to call or talk to when I have good news is my husband. I know he’ll be happy with and for me. Sharing good news with your spouse should just make the good news feel even better.

10. Be a team. Once you are married, you are a team. You are a united front. You will find lots of distractions ready to tear down your team. You will find people who will try to get you to talk negatively about your spouse and complain about your marriage. Don’t fall into those traps. Avoid them like the plague. Remember always that no matter what you’re facing, you’re facing it together as a team. You have to be a team to get through hard times. I remember very clearly the day my husband lost his job 12 years ago. I remember sitting together on the floor of my home office and just sort of holding each other up. We faced that challenge and so many others before and since then as a team. Don’t place blame when there is none to be placed. Support one another and move through life as a unified front. My husband and I have sincerely said to each other, “I’d rather go through hard times with you than good times without you.” Being a team — being together — makes any hard time so much easier to bear. And when times are good again, your relationship will be stronger for having survived the hardship.

Check back on Monday for part two!  You won’t want to miss it.

Happy World Introvert Day!

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

Today is World Introvert Day! Usually at least one or two of my friends will share this information with me each January 2, because it’s no secret that I’m an introvert. I’d guess most of us introverts are excited to celebrate today individually in our own homes. (Ha!)

While information about introverts abounds way more these days than ever before (seriously, as a kid and teenager I had no clue why I behaved the way I did and why many others didn’t understand me), people still get confused about introversion. We still get mistaken as being people who are shy and quiet. And sometimes we are. Most times, we just come across that way to other people (usually extroverts). We are really just people who re-energize with time alone and quiet rather than with other people and talking. We can get worn out, irritable and moody when we are with people too long.

But what does introversion look like? I can’t speak for every introvert, but I can speak for myself. One of my best examples of introversion happened the past two summers. An amusement park a couple of hours away offers a package for families of four to camp in their park overnight. Campers arrive just before closing, have some time to do things after hours, sleep in their own tents and are served breakfast before the park opens. We did this in both 2017 and 2018 and had fun.

Amusement parks are noisy and crowded. They’re an environment in which I can get easily overwhelmed and overloaded. In fact, at events like these I usually end up exhausted with a headache after a few hours. Both years, I felt a bit stressed as we arrived, lugged all of our stuff to the area where we could camp (right in the center of the amusement park!) and kept track of the kiddos. After we decide where we’re pitching our tent, we get it set up and I head into it to get the beds all made up and ready. Both times going into the tent gave me a strong sense of relief, and my stress began to dissipate.

And that’s because inside the tent, I can still hear all of the noise outside. I can still hear people talking as they walk by and other campers setting up their camp sites, but I am out of sight of them, and they are out of sight from me. I get to be in my own little bubble of sorts with my family, and it’s wonderful. I immediately relax.

That’s introversion. We don’t want to shy away from experiences or other people. Introverts don’t want to always be quiet and aren’t anti-social, but we do relax best and become our true selves when we are in our own space. We replenish our energy by being alone. If I could take a tent with me to every large event or gathering, I would. (But I’m not trying to be a freak, I promise!) I wouldn’t stay in it the whole time; I don’t at the amusement park either. But I would go in when I just needed a few moments alone to decompress.

I can’t take a tent in places, but I have found other escapes. When we go to a gaming convention in a nearby city each year and are exploring the exhibit hall packed with booths, vendors and other gamers, I get on overload. I have learned to avoid a headache and utter exhaustion, my best bet is to take about 20 minutes here and there to sit out. My husband will keep going through the booths and I’ll go sit on the side of the convention hall (most often on the floor) and just close my eyes. I don’t usually fall all the way asleep (though I totally did the year we went and I was eight months pregnant). I just have my eyes closed and am able to be in my own head space for just a while. I can still hear the noise, but it gives me a chance to regroup and go inside of myself rather than be totally involved with all that is going on around me.

Other times I can’t sit on the sidelines with my eyes closed without seeming like a crazy, anti-social person, so I find other ways to regroup. Sometimes it just means going to the bathroom and staying in there an extra two minutes alone. (This is where having bladder problems comes in handy, because I really do have to go to the bathroom a lot!)

And this is life as an introvert. It’s not bad. It isn’t weird. It’s just how I’m wired, and it’s not all that different or unique. There are quite a few of us around. We tend to understand extroverts perhaps a bit more than they understand us, but that also may be because we tend to be quieter and listen more. It could also be because our world and culture are geared very strongly toward extroverts as the norm.

So when your introvert friends say that they just need a few minutes away or when they head to the bathroom at a party and don’t return for five minutes, just leave them be and know they are going into their own tent, their own bubble to regroup. They don’t want to be away from you or not be part of the group. They just need a minute of downtime to process information and relax. It’s not shy or weird. It’s OK. That’s just how they’re wired.

The BEST toffee cookies

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

These toffee cookies are the perfect mix of chewy and crunchy!

Affiliate links are used in this post, if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.

A good 15 years ago, I first came across a recipe for toffee cookies. I tried making them. They were sticky and chewy, yet crunchy. While I felt like they were pretty good, a few of my family members fell in love. I’ve tweaked the original recipe a bit to make them even better.

The best toffee cookies recipe Pinterest image

Each Christmas these toffee cookies are on my baking list. They aren’t optional. In fact, I think if I showed up to my mother-in-law’s house on Christmas Day without them, I’d not be allowed in! (OK. I would totally be allowed in because my in-laws are really nice people, but they would definitely ask where the toffee cookies are!)

In all of my years of cookie making, these really are the most unique I’ve made. I don’t make another cookie at all like them. I have so many recipes that have different flavors, yet are similar or expected. These toffee cookies are unique, and they are a addictive. Listen, I don’t usually think desserts are worth eating if they don’t have chocolate in them, and even I can happily munch away on them. The good news is that they are not difficult to make!

Ingredients for the best toffee cookies recipe Pinterest image

It all starts with mixing the flour, baking soda and salt together in a bowl then setting it aside. In your main mixing bowl (or the bowl of  your stand mixer, if you’re going to use it), mix up the butter or margarine with the sugars and vanilla. I’m going to stop right here and tell you the state of the butter or margarine is crucial in this recipe. If it is softened, the cookies won’t be as chewy. But, if it is slightly melted, then they are the perfect consistency — chewy, yet crunchy. I heat my stick margarine for 1 minute at 30 percent power in my microwave to get it to this state:

Butter consistency for the best toffee cookies recipe

After you mix together the butter or margarine, sugars and vanilla, add in the eggs. When it’s beaten together, the mixture will be thin and runny.

Creamed mixture for the best toffee cookies recipe

Gradually stir in the mix of flour, baking soda and salt. If you’re using your stand mixer like I do, make sure you mix it in slowly or else you’ll end up with flour all over everything, which is just plain annoying! Once it’s all mixed up, it will be thickened.

Plain dough for the best toffee cookies recipe

The final step is to stir in the toffee chips. I use 12 ounces, which is a bag and a half of Heath Bits O’ Brickle toffee bits. I totally estimate the half bag, but you could definitely measure it out. Also, be sure to look for the plain toffee bits and not the milk chocolate covered ones. The milk chocolate ones are good, but this recipe does best with the plain toffee bits.

Toffee chips mixed into the dough for the best toffee cookies recipe

All that’s left to do is freeze it or bake it. I store it in zip-top bags for freezing and lay them flat. This dough freezes and thaws well. For baking these sticky treats, though, be sure to either spray your cookie sheets with non-stick cooking spray or use parchment paper. I discovered the joy of parchment paper a few years ago, as I told you last week in my tips for Christmas crunch time, and I highly suggest it for these cookies, especially. 

Dough balls for the best toffee cookies recipe ready for the oven on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet

After baking at 350-degrees for 9 to 11 minutes, let the cookies cool for 1 to 2 minutes on the cookie sheet and then remove them to wire racks to finish cooling. The wire rack helps add the extra crunch to the cookie. You can just see the shine of the gooey, sticky toffee on the cookies as they’re cooling.

A finished toffee cookie cooling on a cooling rack so it gets crunchy

Arrange them on a cookie platter or put them in a zip-top bag and enjoy! The best thing about these cookies is that they are hearty. Of all the cookies I make, these have the longest shelf life and really do taste good for at least a week as long as they are stored covered. 

Finished toffee cookies

The BEST Toffee Cookies

Print Recipe

Ingredients
  

  • 2-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 1 stick cup butter or margarine, mostly melted
  • 3/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 eggs
  • 12 oz. Heath Bits O' Brickle toffee bits 1-1/2 bags

Instructions
 

  • Heat oven to 350-degrees and lightly grease cookie sheet or line with parchment paper.
  • Stir together flour, baking soda and salt.
  • In a large bowl, beat butter or margarine, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla until well blended.
  • Add eggs and beat well.
  • Gradually add flour mixture, beating until well blended.
  • Stir in toffee chips.
  • Drop by rounded teaspoon onto prepared cookie sheet.
  • Bake 9 - 11 minutes until lightly browned. Cool for 1 to 2 minutes on the cookie sheet then remove to a wire rack to cool completely.

7 Christmas hacks to make your life easier

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

Use these tips to save time so you can do more of what you enjoy this holiday season!

Affiliate links are used in this post, if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.

Christmas may be “the most wonderful time of the year,” as the song goes. But it is also and often “the most busy time of the year!” Along the way, I’ve found a few simple Christmas hacks that make my life easier. And I’m all about easier!

These Christmas hacks help me stay sane during holiday crunch time. I figured I’d pass them along in case they help anyone else. And if you have anything you do, please share! We are in this together!

1. Use parchment paper

Christmas cookies are my jam. I enjoy making them. One of my family’s favorite cookie recipes is toffee crunch cookies. They are good but a bit sticky. Parchment paper makes baking them so, so, so much easier. I use it for all cookies because it also makes clean-up way easier.

Even if you only use it for holiday baking, parchment paper is one of my favorite Christmas hacks. I mean, who couldn’t use easier clean-up right now?! I didn’t discover the joys of parchment paper until about five years ago. I was only sad I didn’t discover it sooner!

2. Use small appliances to help

Cookie dough doesn’t have to be mixed in a stand mixer, but my life is a whole lot easier with my stand mixer. Not only can I do other things while ingredients are mixing (like tossing out eggshells or closing up brown sugar), but it also saves my arms. Honestly, that’s the biggest benefit. With fibromyalgia, I’m all for anything I can do to help save my hands, arms and shoulders. I couldn’t do half the baking I do without my stand mixer. I love Dorothy so much! (Read more about my stand mixer here!)

3. Shop online

I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears mentioning again. I love shopping online! I save money (check out two easy ways to save money shopping online), and I can find good deals to cover all my Christmas gift needs (check out 15 gifts under $20 for everyone on your Christmas list — most of them are Amazon Prime eligible so you still have time!).

I also utilize online shopping for everyday items from makeup to paper products to nonperishable foods. It’s one of those Christmas hacks I love because it saves me time at the grocery store and helps me avoid crowds, which is pretty priceless!

4. Keep wrapping supplies handy

This is my wrapping “corner” right now.

This one happened on accident this year, but it’s worked so well for me. This is our first year living with two stories since our very first townhouse college apartment when we got married 19 years ago. I keep my wrapping supplies in the closet of our guest bedroom/game room upstairs. I do my wrapping at my kitchen table. (We have a counter height table this year, and I’m loving how easy it is to wrap on that thing without killing my back!)

I brought down some wrapping paper and supplies for a gift wrapping session and they’ve remained downstairs ever since. I put most of them in a box. Some gifts yet to be wrapped are hidden in there as well. Others are elsewhere. This has become one of the unexpected Christmas hacks I’ve discovered to make my life easier. Yesterday, for example, I picked up a gift for my husband, came home and had it wrapped and under the tree within a couple of minutes. Does it look super great between my living room and dining room? Maybe not. Do I care? Nope, because it really is making my life easier!

5. Wear an apron

This sounds a little crazy, maybe, but wearing an apron when I’m baking makes my life easier. A long time ago, I’d just wear old clothes for baking then have to change if I left the house. These days, I have to leave the house more regularly because the kids need to be picked up from school and such. I’ve learned that my grandma’s generation was really onto something with aprons. I have my favorite apron hanging in my pantry at all times ready to save my clothes from flour and powdered sugar messes. It’s another one of those simple things that makes a difference for me.

6. Set reminders

If you were to look at the calendar on my phone, you’d find all sorts of “appointments.” I set them for so many things beyond just appointments and meetings. Last night, for example, I had just snuggled under the covers to go to sleep when I remembered that I hadn’t put a spoon in my daughter’s lunchbox and was planning to send her soup. I sat up, grabbed my phone and set a reminder for 7 a.m. to put a spoon in her lunchbox.

The best part of setting reminders for such mundane things is that it lets me let them go. I don’t have to hang onto that thought and try to remember it or stress about it. I know my phone will ding with a reminder. I have appointment reminders set for things like my son’s PJ day for his school winter party next Friday or my making sure to put cookies in my daughter’s backpack for hers. While this is my go-to organizational tool year round, I consider it one of my Christmas hacks because it helps me so much this time of year when life gets even more hectic. 

7. Ask for help

My husband is really good to do things around here. But he isn’t a mind reader. I can’t expect him to always know when I need him to jump in, so I ask. Last night, for example, I was cleaning up from making cookie dough and asked him to get supper started. Later we divvied up tasks between kitchen clean-up from dinner and laundry duty. This coming week, we will work together to finish wrapping gifts.

When our kids were younger and home all day, we had times we’d ask our parents to watch them for a few hours so we could wrap gifts or I could bake without having to try and keep a toddler away from the oven door every time I opened it. It takes a village sometimes to make holiday magic happen!

What Christmas hacks do you use to make your holiday season a little less hectic?

Looking for more Christmas ideas? Check out these posts!

Finding the strength to get through hard times

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

Encouragement for hard times

For two nights in a row now, I’ve ended up sleeping on the couch half the night with my son who has been sick. The first night didn’t involve much sleeping because he was up sick every 20 or 30 minutes. Last night, he was no longer getting sick, but I couldn’t find a comfortable position and fall asleep until about 30 minutes before my alarm went off.

As I reclined last night, tossing and turning in my head (my body couldn’t move much because there was a little boy snuggled against it), I couldn’t help but think back to the same little guy’s first three months of life.

Remembering the past

For his first three months we spent every night on the couch. I had the recliner on my end to lean back in, but we were up most of the night. He had reflux and wasn’t a fan of sleeping. He’d nurse off and on. He’d cry. Then he’d eventually fall asleep on his Boppy beside me about two hours before his preschool-aged sister would wake up for the day.

They were long months. I remember once lying on the living room floor just to remember what it felt like to lie down. It sounds dramatic, but it was legitimate.

We’ve come a long way in almost six years. Those newborn days with my son were rough. Newborn days are exhausting in general. Some are more exhausting than others. My daughter, for example, settled into a routine after a couple of weeks and would at least let me sleep three hours or so at a time. 

Parenthood totally pushes you to your limits. It starts right off the bat in the newborn days and continues through each phase. Sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it’s incredibly difficult. We very much need encouragement for hard times.

That year with my newborn son, I ended up with shingles as a result of the strain. I also had numerous other sicknesses and major surgery when he was 8 months old. It was a difficult year, to say the least.

Applying it to life

The older I get, the more I realize life is like that. We encounter one event after another and wonder how we are ever going to survive it and have the strength to keep going. We think this will do us in.

I remember during those three months with my son that some nights, we would both just sit and cry together. He couldn’t be soothed, and I was beyond weary. I wasn’t sure I could keep going night after night, but I did because I had to. I had a little baby depending on me for his survival. And I made it. 

There have been many other situations I’ve faced that are just as wearisome, if not more so. Each time I’m left wondering if I’ll make it through. Each time, I do. I don’t, however, make it through on my own.

I’m not so strong by myself. Most of my closest encounters with God have come at times when I was at the very end of myself and unsure I could keep moving one foot in front of the other.

Because just like I didn’t abandon my son when he was a newborn who needed me or a sick 5-year-old who needed me, so has God never abandoned me. He’s been right there through the thick of it all, carrying me, loving me and giving me strength. Day by day and sometimes minute by minute. 

He will do the same for you. In fact, He longs to. Just like when my kids are sick and I long to be with them and help them, so He longs to be with and help us when we are struggling. We just have to ask Him. If my kids hid away quietly in their rooms suffering, I’d not know they needed me. But they trust me to take are of them. They trust that when they call out for me in need, I will answer.

How much more we can trust God to do the same! He never gets weary or complains to himself about the hard work. God just shows up, loves us and takes care of us. He will provide us the encouragement for hard times that we need. All we have to do is call out and He’ll come running to wrap His arms around us. He is so, so good!

Mom brain overload

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

I’ve heard of pregnancy brain and how sometimes your brain fails while you’re pregnant. And it’s true. It happened to me a couple of times. I’ve also heard of mommy brain and how sometimes your brain fails while you have babies and are sleep-deprived (and on into, well, forever!). But, there’s also what I call mom brain overload. 

I have no idea if MBO has a real psychological term, but I know it most definitely exists and I’m guessing you’ve experienced it, too. I’m talking about all the stuff that moms keep in their heads and have to constantly be aware of. We can’t turn off our brains. We can’t lessen our overload. On top of all the other things we manage and deal with on a daily basis, like working, feeding our children, getting them to school on time or changing diapers, it’s the other thoughts that overload. It’s the constant processing of knowing when the kids had checkups and when they need them again. It’s remembering to call the school and report them sick. It’s knowing how many pairs of clean jeans are in your son’s drawer so you know when laundry HAS to be done again. It’s remembering to get out water bottles for gymnastics class or track down mittens on a cold morning. It’s remembering where you last saw their shoes on a hectic school morning. And let’s not even get started on clothes. Keeping track of who has outgrown what and needs replaced, cleaning out things that are too small, organizing what is there and keeping it all clean when needed is a constant struggle It. Is. All. Non-stop!

I’ve tried to explain this to my husband before. This MBO that is, quite frankly, exhausting. But, he doesn’t really understand it, and he is a hands-on dad. I can’t just turn it off. Right now I can tell you the level of trash in each trash can in our house, how much fresh fruit is in the kitchen, how much milk we have, what doctor’s appointments are coming up for the kids, how many more showers/baths we can take before I have to wash towels, how much children’s Tylenol we have in its two locations, which kid has school library day when, where we stand on lunchbox cleaning and prep, who has clothes for upcoming holiday performances, what spelling words need to be reviewed, what calls need to be made for appointments, who needs gifts for upcoming birthday parties or holidays and on the list goes. My husband and children don’t know these things. I don’t necessarily HAVE to know some of these things, but I do. I do, because I’m the one who deals with them. 

I’m the one who makes sure we have fresh fruit and milk for the kids, clean towels, the right clothes, gifts bought and wrapped in time and Tylenol at the ready. I’m the one who makes calls or sends emails to schedule meetings and appointments based on the calendar I have for our whole family. I’m the one who reminds us to go over spelling words. I know my husband would do these things I weren’t able. I know the children wouldn’t fall into ill health without fresh fruits or milk for a couple of days. But it’s in my head. And that’s just the kids’ stuff. It doesn’t count all the stuff that I also maintain for myself and my husband as well like prescriptions, doctors’ appointments, bills, work deadlines and more. (That’s even with having automated all the things that I can.)

And then there’s all the other stuff, too. The worries that contribute to MBO like whether my son will pay attention walking on the icy sidewalk or fall and hurt himself or whether my daughter’s strep throat germs are going to spread to everyone else or whether I’m being too easy or too hard on the kids or whether I spend enough quality time with them or whether I let them eat too many sweets or whether I’m making them do enough or too many chores. The list goes on and on. Yes, I deal with anxiety and OCD a bit, but I think most of this is just mom stuff. 

Our brains are constantly going and we are constantly thinking of pretty much everyone else. Our lives revolve around everyone else. I have lost track the number of times I’ve gotten interrupted just writing this one post! Along with MBO, we have to constantly multi-task. We have to be able to stop what we’re doing and brush someone’s hair or answer questions and then shift right back to what we’re doing then remember there’s a load of laundry that needs to go into the dryer and (oh, shoot!) it’s almost the end of the day and our to-do list has only gotten a third of the way completed. It’s constant, and it’s exhausting.

I wish I had some awesome advice on how to make it better and how to cope with it, but I don’t really. I’m in the midst of it. I have to think it will get better once I’m no longer responsible for so much for my children. One day they will be able to deal with their own clothes, food and laundry — both shopping and caring for them. But, I know there’s another part of my mom brain that will never turn off as long as I am breathing because you can’t just stop being someone’s mom when they turn into an adult. I know this from my own mom and mother-in-law!

I do think, though, that we need to acknowledge it. We need to realize the MBO is a thing; it’s hard and it’s contributing to our exhaustion level. We need to find ways to unplug when we get a chance whether it’s sneaking off to a movie alone, with your husband or with friends or taking one night each week after the kids go to bed and doing nothing else except reading or watching television or somehow relaxing. It’s being good to ourselves when we get a chance. It’s intentionally thinking of ourselves and what we need sometimes.

The thing with MBO is that if it’s left unchecked too long, it can lead to burn-out, anger and resentment. It can lead us to saying things we don’t mean and hurting those we love most. It can steal our joy. It can distract us from our spiritual walk. MBO is going to exist. We can’t stop our mom brains from being overloaded with so much information all the time, but we can do our best to be intentional about taking breaks, even for a short time. I’ve had moments where I say to my husband, “I don’t care what you decide, but dinner is up to you. I cannot manage another decision right now.” I’ve had other moments when I’ve left him in charge and escaped behind a closed bedroom door for an hour (especially when our kiddos were smaller). 

Mom brain overload is just as real as pregnancy brain and mommy brain. While we may laugh and joke about it or complain about it with our mom friends, we need to also remember to take care of ourselves whenever we get a chance. Take a break soon, mama. I know you need it!

10 Ways to strengthen your marriage

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

Ideas make your marriage stronger

My husband and I don’t have a perfect marriage. Nobody does! However, we have learned some lessons through our 19 years of marriage that have helped strengthen our marriage along the way. And they don’t have much to do with the dramatic romantic gestures we love watching on the silver screen. Those things are nice, but just aren’t realistic in daily life. The things that really strengthen your marriage are much smaller, yet just as significant.

Treat your spouse like a stranger.

While it’s easy to snap at those we love when we are having a bad day, it’s neither fair nor productive to them. I try to remember when I’m having a bad day that my husband isn’t the cause of it (usually!). I wouldn’t be rude to a stranger for no apparent reason. I shouldn’t be to my husband either.

Say thank you.

I once read a magazine article about a celebrity who said she had a hard time thanking her husband for taking out the trash since it needed to be done. I don’t think you can say thank you enough, honestly. Our theory is that if the other one has done a chore, that’s one less thing we need to do and we appreciate it. I don’t say thank you every time he takes out the trash. He doesn’t say thank you every time I do a load of laundry. But, we do make it a priority to say thanks a few times a week for everyday chores. We all want to be appreciated. Appreciation also can help strengthen your marriage by reminding you why you fell in love in the first place.

Give each other privacy.

I don’t have anything to hide from my husband. He doesn’t have anything to hide from me. However, if he needs to get something out of my purse or I need to get something out of his wallet, we ask first. I appreciate that he asks before barging in. While we are married and we two have become one, we are also still individuals as well.

Talk to each other about problems.

We’re pretty private folks, so this comes naturally to us, but we don’t air dirty laundry, so to speak. We agreed early on that if one of us has a problem with the other, we talk directly to them. So, if I have a problem with my husband, I talk to him about it — not my mom or my friends. He does likewise. We can’t fix problems and make them better if we don’t talk about and work on them. To strengthen your marriage, you have to resolve problems.

Nobody is a mind reader.

My husband knows me better than anyone on this planet, but he can’t read my mind. We have to communicate effectively with one another. Sometimes that means being very specific about what we need without getting upset the other one didn’t know it first. That includes everything from romantic gestures to household chores. I’ve found it’s much more productive to tell him this stuff rather than be upset when he doesn’t do it.

Don’t take everything personally.

I can be a tad sensitive. OK, I can be a lot sensitive. I take things very personally sometimes and take them to heart when I shouldn’t, like when someone gets mad at me in traffic. While I’ve made improvements through the years sometimes I still struggle with this. When my husband and I are discussing an issue that revolves primarily around something I feel responsible for, my first response can tend to be defensive.

However, most of the time, I don’t need to take it so personally. I need to get over that so we can move on to the real goal: fixing whatever issue is happening. And that also means I work to not read into things. For example, my husband doesn’t always notice things that need to be done around home, like emptying the bathroom trash. Instead of feeling personally offended that he’s trying to  spite me by not doing it, I just ask him for help. To his credit, he obliges — usually saying that he didn’t notice the issue.

Know when to talk and when to wait.

While communication is important in all relationships, not all communication is created equal. Knowing your spouse and when best to talk with them about a serious issue strengthens your marriage. For example, my husband knows just before bed isn’t a time to start a serious discussion with me. I’m a morning person and by the end of the day my energy and mental capacity are not up to par. Any discussions had at that time of day don’t go well. I know the same is true for him in the morning.

And we both know when the other one is in the middle of something, whether it’s work or something fun, to ask for a chance to talk before just launching into a conversation. Usually whoever is busy can say something like, “Give me five minutes.” Then when they’re at a stopping point, they stop and give the other their attention. Conversations go much better that way.

Don’t micromanage.

We started the policy when we got married, that if one of us is doing a task, he/she can do it his/her own way. If the other person has a problem, he/she should just do it. So, if my husband is cleaning the bathroom, he gets to do it his way. If I have a problem, then I should do it myself. If I’m doing laundry and my husband has a problem with it, then he should do it himself. The nice thing about that policy is that it feeds into our lazy streaks a bit. Before I criticize or micromanage, I realize that I don’t feel like doing said task myself. I shut my mouth!

Be each other’s biggest fan.

My husband and I have each other’s backs 100 percent. While we are helpful to one another and discuss work and such, we also support one another wholeheartedly. He encourages me in my career. I encourage him in his. I’m his biggest cheerleader, and he is mine. We also remember this in front of other folks. When we are with others, I need to uplift and support my husband all the more. If I have an issue with something, it can wait until we are alone.

Approach life together — the good, the bad and the ugly.

We refer to ourselves as a team (which nowadays includes our kids, but started as just a team of two). We even high-five each other sometimes. Honestly, I think this is my best marriage tip that will strengthen your marriage most. When you approach life together with a team mentality then you stay working together for the common good of your family. We’ve faced many struggles together. Rather than start placing blame on each other, we stay focused on what we need to do to get through the situation together. We are a team whether we’re working together to get dinner prepared or making major life decisions.

Teaching our children to give

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

6 ideas to help children learn to live generously

Happy Giving Tuesday! I love the reminder to continue giving, especially during a season that can be consumed with so many distractions and even downright greed.

Giving as a family is incredibly important. We have made it a priority in our family and try to involve our kids as much as possible. However, when I talked to them about it just this morning, they didn’t realize everything we do. They knew some of it, but not all of it. And they hadn’t thought about how some of what we do is giving without spending money. We need to be even more intentional about showing and talking with them about giving and what we’re doing.

I’ve heard people say that children need to be taught how to give, because it goes against our human nature. That’s true to an extent. Just try asking a toddler to share his favorite toy with you! But, I’ve also seen the innocence of my kids when we see someone holding a sign asking for work or food on the roadside. They’d ask why the person was there and why didn’t we help him or her? In their little minds, if someone needs help, you give it. That’s the attitude we have tried to encourage and build on.

I think we all want to teach our kids how to give and how to look out for others. We’ve found a few ways to do that as a family. And we’ll continue working on it and talking about it even more. We have done our best to involve our kids as much as possible.

1. Help kids start a fund for giving.

When our children turned 5, they started getting a weekly allowance based on their ages (a dollar per year). We use an envelope system with them. They have an envelope for saving, spending and giving. For example, at 5, the money is divided each week as $3 for saving, $1 for spending and $1 for giving. And then we talk about how they want to spend their giving money every month or two as it accumulates.

When we first did this with our daughter, I assumed she’d want to just give her money in the offering at church. But when we asked her, she wanted to do something more tangible. So as we talked about it with her, we decided to buy food for a local food pantry. 

Since then, that has taken off. We have matched her money to buy food and so have my parents. And then she had a chance to help distribute food from a food pantry out of a local church. She decided then that we needed to do more. So we talked with our pastor and asked church members to bring in food that we take to the pantry. That’s been three years ago, and we are still involved with that same food pantry. It all started with a few dollars in a giving envelope.

2. Find tangible ways to give.

For us, the food pantry has been a very tangible way to give that has continued. Our kids love going to the store, finding good deals and figuring out things like how many cans of food we can buy with the money they have or how many rolls of toilet paper we can get. We have done our best to ask each time we take items to the food pantry about what the pantry needs most, because we also want to be actually helpful.

(For the record, our food pantry requests toiletries the most throughout the year, because these things are in high demand since they’re not covered by food stamps. During the holiday season, they need holiday dinner type food and cash to buy turkeys or hams.)

Our son has enjoyed working with and helping get things for the food pantry, but he’s had some other ideas as well. We try to encourage them however they’re thinking of giving. Sometimes our kids have thought of giving money to a family member who needed something. Other times they have wanted to give it to church or for a special offering. And still other times they want to give it to a different charity.

Locally, for example, we have an organization that collects money to provide Christmas to families who can’t afford it otherwise. Our church works with this charity (its founder attends our church, in fact) and so does the kids’ school. They love being able to be involved with that, too.

3. Make giving fun.

It doesn’t take much to make most giving fun. For example, my kids find it fun to even be involved in the process of deciding what to buy for the food pantry. Last time around my son used his money to buy a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. It wasn’t what we were there for that day. That day we were focusing on canned foods and toiletries, but it was his money and I’m sure that box of cereal went to good use. Usually on trips to the grocery store, they aren’t involved with the decisions of what to buy since I’m in charge of that. So having a chance to pick things out is fun for them.

Their school does a great job of making giving fun this time of year, especially. For that local Christmas charity, the kids could bring in money to vote for which team of teachers would win a silly race. They could also spend $1 to send a note with a piece of candy to a classmate. My kids each got a kick out of sneaking to the office to do this for each other. 

4. Remind them why they’re giving.

Everyone likes a bit of encouragement and cheering on. Should we give to get credit and accolades? Nope. But, kids do need to be encouraged and reminded of why they are giving. We try to talk about all the families who will be helped through the food pantry or other programs. We talk about what it would be like to come home from school and not be able to find any food in the pantry for a snack or wonder if there would be anything to eat for dinner. And we remind them that their giving is helping some families avoid that reality.

5. Volunteer together.

Just like I was telling my kids this morning, there are also ways to give that don’t involve spending money. In fact, spending your time is just as important. This is an area where we need to work more on our kiddos. They don’t always see the things we do as giving of our time. And that’s OK, but I want to encourage them to do the same. 

While they have helped with the food pantry, there are other volunteer opportunities around the community that they can be involved with as well. We have struggled to do organized volunteer activities the last few years as I’ve had some more intense health issues than usual, but we’ve still found ways. For a year and a half, I taught a children’s Sunday School class and my own kids loved to help me prepare and test out crafts for me.

I also reminded them that giving to others can even be as simple as seeing a friend or family member who needs help with something and jumping right in to assist. Opportunities to give to others abound around us if we just open our eyes to see them.

6. Be an example for them.

Last week, my husband was gone the entire week. He missed having Thanksgiving with us. We missed him tremendously, but we also supported him being gone. He began working with Team Rubicon a couple of months ago as a volunteer. Team Rubicon is a non-profit organization of volunteers that sends people to areas of disaster to help aid in cleaning up and rebuilding. Once he got his FEMA certification, he was ready to go help.

So two Saturdays ago my husband left for Florida to help clean up from the devastation of Hurricane Michael. Before he left, we had a family discussion about it over dinner and let the kids ask questions. They were curious what he’d be doing, but they were also curious why he was doing it.

He told them that he felt like if there was something he could do then he should do it. He also said sometimes you have to let yourself be the answer to someone’s prayer. While giving money is good and helpful, sometimes you need to literally be God’s hands and feet. I don’t think there is any better answer than that as to why to give.

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8 simple Christmas traditions to bring your family closer (plus 2 FREE printables!)

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

Affiliate links are used in this post, if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.

Sometimes I balk at traditions. I’m not a fan of doing things just because that’s the way we’ve always done them even though it doesn’t make sense and nobody is happy about it. But, I love traditions that are simple and enjoyable. This is never more evident than through the Christmas season. And simple is needed most this time of year since there are so many other demands placed on our time like shopping, wrapping, kids’ programs, family gatherings, school parties and baking.

This will be my 10th Christmas as a mom. These Christmas traditions have evolved through the years. Just like the birthday traditions I told you about, these are simple, fun and build great memories.

Countdown to Christmas

Though my 9-year-old understands the concept of time now, my 5-year-old doesn’t as much. He’s good with smaller amounts of time, but knowing how many days are left before Christmas is helpful for him. Plus it’s just fun to keep track together.

I have a FREE Countdown to Christmas printable that my own family uses. For each day of the month, you can put a sticker over the number or X out the number — whatever you prefer. My kiddos love stickers, so we are going the sticker route. Each number is star shaped, so hitting up the Dollar Tree for some star stickers works super well for this.

We usually do our countdown in the evening after dinner but before bedtime. We alternate which kiddo puts on the sticker each night, and then on the 25th they put it on together.

To open the PDF to download or print,
click the image or click here.

Wrapped Christmas books

This is another Christmas tradition we started early on and LOVE around my house. We love books, and we really love to unwrap gifts. Thanks to programs like Scholastic book club, gifts from family and my own finds, we have enough Christmas books to last us from December 1 through 24. Now we have a few extras, but in the early days, I also included some general winter books as well. You can even use library books as long as you keep track of which are library books and need to be returned.

The week before December starts, I pull out our Christmas books and get 24 of them wrapped. It works perfectly if you have an even number of kids so they can rotate through who opens a book each night, because everyone wants to open them!

It also is great for toddlers who really want to open wrapped presents they see appearing under the Christmas tree or other places. They get a chance to open a gift! This is one we do near bedtime since we then read the book for bedtime. We combine this Christmas tradition with the next one, so each book has a Bible verse attached to it. 

Daily Bible verses

For us this works well paired with the books. I print out and cut into squares Bible verses that take us through the Christmas story, which I have for you as a FREE Advent Verses for Children printable. I fold and number each one and attach it to a book. Then the kids find the right number for the right day to open.

What I love most about this is that it makes sure every day we are taking at least a couple of minutes to talk about the real reason for the Christmas season. And each evening, before we read the verse, we review what has happened in the story up until that point. It is a great way to reiterate or teach the Christmas story to kiddos.

If you don’t do the books, you can just go through the verses on the page and mark them out as you read them. You could even cut them into squares and put them in an Advent calendar you already have. Do whatever works best for your family!

To open the PDF to download or print, click the image above or click here.

Radio ornament

Back in 2012 my parents got us this cool North Pole Countdown Christmas ornament from Hallmark. Each day starting December 1, you turn the radio dial to hear a 60-second update from the North Pole. It’s cute, funny and clever. The kids enjoy it, so we do that usually when we do the other Christmas activities, but sometimes we do it in the morning. It just depends on the day.

Christmas light tour

I love seeing Christmas lights decorating houses and so do my kiddos. As a kid, my parents would drive around and show us Christmas lights throughout the city. Even once I was an adult, my mom and I continued doing that and often included my grandmas as well. Now that I have kids, we definitely keep up this Christmas tradition. Usually we do this a couple of times throughout the Christmas season.

We will go to the more formal, organized displays and we will also just drive around places we’ve heard about where people have decorated their houses well.

For us, we keep it simple and just do it whenever we have a chance. I know some families do things like go in their PJs while sipping Thermoses of hot chocolate. That’s totally fine, too. That just doesn’t seem to work out for us (plus I’m the only member of my family who really likes hot chocolate!).

Cookie decorating party

I am the cookie baker in my family and have been since high school. I love making Christmas cookies. When my daughter was 3, I decided it would be fun to involve our families in decorating cookies with us. So one evening near Christmas, I invite over my parents and my in-laws, and we decorate sugar cookies with colored icing, candy and sprinkles. The last couple of years I’ve only made two or three dozen sugar cookies, so it doesn’t take us long. The kids have fun and our families enjoy visiting. We usually order pizza for dinner and make an evening of it.

And if you’re not a cookie baker or don’t have time, buy pre-made sugar cookie dough and roll out some shapes. You could even just make all circles to decorate with store-bought icing. It doesn’t have to be complicated to be fun!

Cookie breakfast

Like I said, I’m the cookie baker in the family. One of my favorite things to do has been on Christmas Eve morning to eat a couple of those homemade cookies for breakfast with a nice, cold glass of milk in my living room with only the Christmas tree lights on.

Once my kids were old enough, they joined me in this Christmas tradition. In fact, I didn’t give it all that much thought until my daughter was 5 or 6 and brought it up to me at the beginning of December how much she looked forward to our cookie breakfast. It was one of her favorite things about Christmas. I’ve learned that the smallest traditions can bring us together and make the best memories; this is definitely one of those traditions!

Christmas Eve PJs

My kids like to open one gift on Christmas Eve. Usually we open gifts with their grandparents on Christmas Eve and save the gifts among the four of us for Christmas morning. Regardless, they still love getting to open a gift at home on Christmas Eve before we head out.

Since I have always loved having new pajamas for Christmas (and still do!), I combined the Christmas Eve gift with new PJs, so they open new PJs on Christmas Eve. They are old enough to be onto my ploy now, so sometimes they can also convince us to pick out one more gift to open as well. They don’t tend to be as excited for new PJs as I am!

Looking for more Christmas ideas? Check out these posts!

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God’s promise of gentle leading for moms

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

One Sunday a couple of years ago, I ended up getting a sermon within a sermon. Both messages were awesome. One came from my pastor who was continuing his series about golden calves. The other came through a verse that was part of our Scripture reading for the day. It’s a verse that I hadn’t noticed before but it struck a chord with me on that day.

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
— Isaiah 40:11 (NIV)

That last sentence sprang to my attention: “He gently leads those that have young.” I stopped and re-read it wondering if it said what I thought it did — what I needed it to. It does. Tired mama of small children, God sees you! He gently leads you, because He knows having young children isn’t easy. That was what I needed to hear as I was looking forward to a really difficult and busy week without much relief. God knew it. My pastor facilitated it. And my heart was renewed because of it.

I am not a fan of the line of thinking that nobody understands what I’m going through in life or how hard it is, because I have been down that path and found it to be a bunch of nonsense. Just after grad school, I spent my early 20s in a horrific, years-long flare of interstitial cystitis, a chronic painful bladder condition. I was laid up on the couch, inside more than out and trying one medical procedure and appointment after another to try and get my bladder into manageable condition again. I felt woeful. I felt sorry for myself. I felt like nobody else understood. And that line of thinking only made me feel worse. I have been down that path again in the years since when other hard times have inevitably come. In the last few years, though, I have seen how I’ve let that stinking thinking cloud my thoughts.

Life is hard. Everyone has a story and a struggle. We all have stuff we deal with. And maybe my stuff is different than yours. But that doesn’t mean we can’t relate to each other having a struggle. We all know what it’s like to have something turn our lives upside down. As mothers, we all know what it’s like to get up each day and try again to make it a good one and find that balance of getting things done and spending time with our children. We all know how sometimes just making it through the day is an accomplishment. We all know how sometimes we want to hide in the bathroom for five minutes of peace and quiet just to get away from the fray. We can relate. We are more alike than we are different.

And God knows that, too. He knows and understands us even better than we do ourselves. He’s been involved with mothers of young children since Eve first delivered Cain and Abel. If ever a young mother needed help, it was Eve. She was the first to do it. She had no sisterhood of mothers or even her own mother to talk to or learn from. But she had God and what more help can any mother ask for than that of our Divine Creator? He saw her needs. He has continued seeing the needs of mothers ever since. Years later this verse was penned to remind mothers of young children that God sees them and leads them.

I particularly like that this verse promises to lead us gently. The last thing I need in my life right now is more complication or even more forcefulness. I battle to make sure my children are listening to me. And to make sure they are taken care of, have clean clothes, food packed for lunches and homework done. When they were younger, the battles were certainly longer and more intense. Like during the toddler phase when they wanted their own way all the time no matter what. Or during the newborn phase when they decided sleep at night wasn’t a good idea. Or during the preschool phase when they wanted to test their limits.

And that’s just the abrasiveness I face with my children. There are lots of other things coming at me from work stuff, family relationships, finances, major life decisions and more. I don’t need more conflict. I don’t need a heavy hand. I need a soft place to fall. I need a gentle hand on my back guiding me the way I should go. That is just what God has promised in this verse and what He continues to do now — years and years after that verse was written. His Word stands strong and true even in 2018.

I am left feeling thankful and awed. He knew the struggle and had a response for me. I’m sure there are different ways to interpret this verse; that’s usually the case with Bible verses. All I know is what this verse said to me. It gave me a promise to hang on to. It gave me hope to know that God sees me. God understands. More importantly than other people understanding our plight (and trust me, others really do understand more than you might think), God understands our plight. He sees our hearts. I feel like every year I learn more about who I am and how I tick. These are all things He has known about me since I was in my mother’s womb.

I praise God for the promises in His Word. Self-pity gets me nowhere. Reassurance that God is always with me keeps me moving forward. Come, Lord, and continue to gently lead me.

Never want to miss any Families with Grace content? Sign up for our mailing list and receive a FREE tip sheet on 10 ways you can start living as a family with grace right now! It’s chock-full of good, practical ideas to help bring peace to your home. Don’t miss out! Go here now!