Encouragement for moms who are struggling

We all have different pet peeves in general. One of the biggest pet peeves I have as a mom is the moms who are quick to jump into a conversation with a mom in a stage behind them who is struggling and say, “Just you wait and see…” She then proceeds to assure the struggling mom how much more difficult parenthood gets. She regales her with tales of phases yet to come and how difficult they are.

Having been a mom myself for almost 11 years, I get it. All phases of parenting have their struggles. The things I stress or worry about now with a 7-year-old and 10-year-old are different than when I had a 7-month-old and 3-year-old. Some stuff is easier and some stuff is harder. Certainly their problems get more complex as they get older, and I know that will continue as they grow.

However, the last thing a mom needs when she is struggling is to basically be told whatever she is struggling with isn’t that big of a deal and will only get harder. Whether it’s true or not, it’s far from helpful.

Instead, I do my best to do a different version of “Just you wait and see” to offer encouragement for the moms who are behind me in phases. Because while each stage of motherhood has its challenges and difficulties, each stage also has some really awesome blessings and good parts, too.

To the baby mamas

If your baby isn’t sleeping well, hang in there. Eventually he or she will get better at sleeping and you’ll start to feel less like a Mombie. No matter what you’re doing to survive this phase, it’s OK. Maybe your preschooler is watching more shows right now so you can rest when the baby does. Or maybe you have dishes piled in your sink and no energy to do them. It’s OK. Give yourself grace and know that it will get better. One day, you will actually be able to look back with fondness on the middle of the night snuggles and feedings. But it’s OK if right now all they make you want to do is cry in exhaustion and desperation. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If your baby is struggling to eat well, hang in there. He or she will figure it out. My first baby couldn’t figure out how to suck to get milk and had some big struggles for her first few weeks. But, she’s now a healthy 10-year-old who can not only eat and drink on her own but even prepares her own food. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If your baby has started crawling and getting into everything, hang in there. While it’s fun for babies to be on the move, it is also stressful to keep them safe! I’d guess when they learned your baby can now crawl, some people smirked and told you how your real fun of parenthood is about to start. While they meant it sarcastically, having a baby who can explore and start really learning about the world is pretty cool. You get to see their personalities start emerging even more and that’s fun! Just you wait and see. It will get better. They will learn to avoid hazards.

To the toddler mamas

If your kiddo has started walking and is into everything everywhere, hang in there. My oldest took her time to walk and did so cautiously. I’m trying to remember if my youngest walked very long. He seemed to go from walking to running quick quickly! It is difficult to keep them out of the trash or corralled when you want to go places. You’ll have battles of will when you want or need to carry them, but they’ll eventually get more steady on their feet. And they’ll eventually start to understand their boundaries and what they can and can’t do. He won’t always try to pull things out of the trash and will instead walk to you with a big grin and his favorite book so you can snuggle and read. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If your toddler is all about wanting to do things for herself to the point of your frustration, hold tight. One day she will legitimately be able to pick out her own clothes and tie her own shoes with ease. These days are frustrating and it’s OK to want to just take over so you aren’t always late thanks to this stage of independence. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If your toddler is in the midst of potty training and you’re in the midst of frustration, I understand. Potty training has been one of my least favorite parenting tasks. I even once said in frustration, “This child can go to college in diapers. I am done!” Of course, that wasn’t true. Now both of my children are able to manage their own bathroom needs solo and we haven’t had anyone in diapers in years. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

To the preschool moms

If your preschooler is learning how to count or say the ABCs and is counting over and over and over, hang in there. One day that same kid will stop counting and maybe even help her younger siblings learn to count. Maybe you’ve got a mathematician in the making. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If you feel frustrated with your preschooler seeming not to play with other kids his or her age, don’t fret. Of course you worry and want only the best for your kids. It’s understandable. However, learning to play well with others really does take time and isn’t all that easy for little ones to do. Later on they’ll have a grand time playing with friends and, hopefully, siblings. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If your preschooler loves playing pretend and you think you might scream if you have to eat one more bite of pretend food, voice one more action figure or burp one more doll, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that kids with good imaginations are smart. Breathe in and out and know that pretend play is how they figure out this week. Eventually you’ll get to have real conversations with them or play games and have lots of laughs. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

To the moms of early elementary kiddos

If you are sending your kiddo off for his or her first day of kindergarten and cry for an hour afterward, hang in there. You’re normal. Letting them go and grow is so difficult and so bittersweet. There are so many feelings involved and you’ve got so many worries. And even if that kiddo is not sure he wants you to leave him at school without you, take a deep breathe and eat some chocolate. By the second week of school (at most) he’ll be so in love with his teachers and friends and new schedule. Before you know it, she’ll be a full-fledged school-aged child and you’ll actually enjoy the time without her. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If you are not sure whether you will survive the days of learning to spell and read, hang in there. It can take forever for early readers to get through books. Hold tight to patience and know that one day your kiddo will be reading like a champ and you’ll burst with pride at seeing how far he or she has come. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

If your kiddo is working through learning his or her limits at school or home or both, hang in there. This happens in many stages, but it really won’t last forever. They will learn what is OK and what isn’t. They will learn their boundaries and how to make good decisions. Just you wait and see. It will get better.

To all the moms

No matter what phase or challenge are having right now, know that it won’t last forever. Children learn and grow. They change. We get a sideline view to see them growing into young men and young women. As parents, we get to be there to cheer them on and celebrate with them. We also can wrap them in our arms and comfort them on difficult days.

Motherhood is challenging to the very core of your being. You’ll have days that you’ll look back and not even be able to explain how you survived them. But you WILL survive. This challenge WILL pass. And it WILL get better. Just you wait and see!

Do you have any additional encouragement for moms to add? My oldest is in 5th grade, so I can’t go much farther, yet, than I have. Please share your comments, so we can encourage each other on this journey!

5 Must-try products and tips for thick hair care

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I always thought I had thick hair. I do. My hair is naturally curly and sort of has its own plan for how it should go when I let it roam free. I’ve learned how to manage it throughout the years.

And then, about 11 years ago my daughter was born. She spent the first two years of her life without a lot of hair, but it was worth the wait. It came in a beautiful red that was first a crown of spiral curls. By the time she was 7, her curl loosened as her hair got heavier and heavier.

Her hair is thick beyond what I knew thick hair could be. I have often teased her that she — like our Lhasa Apso pooch — has a double fur coat. We have to make sure we get through the top, middle and bottom layers when managing her hair.

I once said every mother of a daughter with curly hair deserves an extra jewel in her crown. I still concur with that statement. Even though her hair isn’t as curly as it once was, it’s now its own beast thanks to its thickness. She prefers her hair long, so we have a lot of hair to manage!

Along the way, we’ve learned a few tips and tricks to make managing thick hair easier.

1. Use a Wet Brush.

A few years ago, I was chatting about my daughter’s hair with the hair stylist trimming my hair. She asked if we’d tried a Wet Brush. She told me it works well on both dry and wet hair. I was dubious, but I decided to buy one and give it a try.

In spite of having extra thick hair, my daughter also has a sensitive scalp. Getting out her tangles was rough in so many ways. It was to the point that I was going to make her get her hair cut so there was less to manage. She didn’t like that idea, but I was at a loss.

The Wet Brush made a huge difference. It was dramatic beyond what I expected. Hands-down, the Wet Brush is the best purchase I’ve made for managing my daughter’s extra thick hair.

Suddenly, it wasn’t a fight as I brushed her hair. She could brush her hair and get tangles out, too! It made our lives so much easier. We’ve used it with her hair wet and dry and it works great both ways.

As someone with curly hair, I don’t use hair brushes and had no idea that some are better than others. I use a hair pick, which I had used on my daughter as well when her hair was so curly, but it was so small compared to all the luscious locks on my daughter’s head.

The Wet Brush made a huge difference. She now owns two and my mom even bought one to keep at her house for my daughter. It was a game changer!

2. Don’t wash your hair every day.

Though my hair isn’t as thick as my daughter’s, it is still thick and curly to boot. So that means we’re dealing with hair that doesn’t get greasy easily or quickly. In order to keep your thick hair from drying out, washing every other day just does better.

Though I use products on my hair to counteract frizz and such, my hair can easily get into cotton candy texture if I wash it too often. It sounds weird, but it’s true!

My daughter doesn’t have the cotton candy texture problem, but her scalp can get really dry if she washes her hair daily because she doesn’t have as much oil right by her scalp. Since thick hair tends to be dryer, washing it too often only makes it more dry and harder to manage.

3. Try a leave-in conditioner.

While I use a wash-out conditioner in the shower and then a leave-in conditioner thanks to my curls and hair texture, my daughter’s thick hair doesn’t need as much conditioning. L’Oreal Paris Elvive Leave In Conditioning Treatment and Heat Protectant works super well of all the leave-in conditioners we’ve tried.

Because thick hair isn’t as oily, we use a dollop about the size of a quarter and work it through her hair while it’s wet and brushed after a shower. We pay particular attention to the underside of her hair and make sure it gets covered with the leave-in conditioner. I use it the same way, but a little less since my hair isn’t as long or quite as thick as hers.

The leave-in conditioner helps my thick hair combat frizz. It helps my daughter’s extra thick hair combat tangles, frizz and fly-aways.

4. Dry with a diffuser.

I first got a diffuser attachment for my hair dryer to help combat frizz and manage my curls. I then used it for my daughter with her curls. Now that her hair is more wavy, we continue to use the diffuser when we need to dry her hair.

Curly and wavy hair do well to air dry, but it’s not feasible much of the time to let it air dry. First, if you washed your hair in the evening then go to bed with wet or damp hair that’s curly, you won’t know what you’ll wake up to!

Second, since we live in a climate that is frigid part of the year, having wet hair for a while is chilly, even if you don’t have to go outside! So, using a hair dryer is sometimes necessary.

Adding the diffuser was another one of those game changers. It makes such a difference that any time I travel, I bring along my own hair dryer and diffuser! You can buy hair dryers that come with diffusers, but you can also just buy the diffuser attachment alone.

Use the diffuser by gently pushing the hair up toward your scalp and then hold it for 20 to 30 seconds at a time before moving on. Move around until you’ve gotten your hair dry enough all over.

5. Buy the right hair accessories.

My daughter and I recently cleaned out her hair accessories. Being nearly 11, she’s tried all sorts of things in her hair. We got rid of many things that no longer work and determined what she needed: ponytail holders. She has plenty of scrunchies but needed something heftier for ponytails.

We’ve struggled with ponytails. I thought we had tried every style of ponytail holder available. Some are way too lose. Others are so small they can only go around her thick ponytail only once or twice. None of them would keep her ponytail in place for long at all — and definitely not all day.

I’ve had many ponytail holders snap in my hands as I tried to get them around her hair.

Then I came across these Revlon maximum hold ponytail holders. They work so well. I can wrap them around her ponytail three times and the ponytail stays in place for the entire day until she is ready to take it down. She doesn’t have to keep redoing it — and it survives her being active as well.

I’ve only found them in black right now, but it’s easy enough to use them to hold the ponytail and then put a more decorative scrunchie or other accessory over top of it.

Profiles of moms who are making a difference

I love having the chance to introduce you to real moms who are following their God-given passions, making a difference in the world and being real about their journeys.

This month’s mom is someone I’ve known for years from church. She’s the kind of woman who has a beautiful smile and a personality that makes everyone feel welcome and included. You can see the love of God shine through her.

Dr. Karen Dowling has spent years working in diversity at the university level and is currently the executive director for multicultural learning and engagement at a major Christian university.

But, that’s not all. She’s also a wife of 22 years and a mom to two boys — one in college and one a senior in high school.

Families with Grace: What’s your God-given mission or passion?

Karen Dowling: My God-given mission is to help others (and myself) build relationships, engage with and respect cultures. I’m a teacher at heart, so continuous teaching and learning plays right into that. My role is perfect for me because I’m still working in an academic setting, and I’m able to teach by providing development.

I work with faculty, students, staff and our curriculum to make sure that it’s inclusive. I work with all the issues relating to diversity and inclusion at our university. Working with adults who are taking online classes means that I’m working nationally and globally.

It all goes together with who I am. I have a multicultural background personally, and I love to build relationships with and interact with people.

My role is founded on Biblical principals. I’m blessed that I get to have Christ in my work.

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

KD: When all the ongoing racial tension increased, I knew I had to learn more. I am a lifelong learner. I never want to be finished learning. So, I started joining in on book studies and webinars. I took some mini classes to educate myself so that I’m not coming from an all-knowledgeable perspective.

Then at work, I created a series at work called “Growing Together: Conversations About Racism and Bias.” My goal was to help our university continue to live out our caring purpose and communicate with one another. Learning each other’s stories and building relationships is important. I have a desire to help people have a sense of belonging. Not everybody has a sense of belonging.

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living our your mission?

KD: I can get stifled when I want to do things well, so I just don’t start them. If I don’t feel like I can dedicate enough time to a project — both at work and at home — then I end up not starting it. I have so many things I want to do. But when I get overwhelmed and unsure whether I can put in the amount of time and detail I want, I get stifled.

I’m a visionary person who wants to be creative. Sometimes details are stumbling blocks for me.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessings in living out your mission?

KD: Recently, I’ve discovered more about myself. I lost my dad when I was 21. He was from India and had dark skin. My mom is Caucasian. I have more traits from my dad while my mom and brother are blonde and blue-eyed.

Thanks in part to some of my recent work experiences, my brother and I recently had a beautiful conversation about how our experiences have differed. The differences in our skin color, our gender and our ages (he’s six years younger) have shaped our shared experiences differently.

I want to engage in those conversations. It’s been a blessing and very enlightening for me. With racial tensions and living out a mission of being set apart and living for Christ, it’s important to think about these things.

I have had some great conversations with my sons while teaching them about my dad and how he was oppressed. They haven’t experienced those things firsthand. I think about how their awareness might be different if they had known this grandpa with an accent and dark skin.

I’m blending work topics at home and vice versa — and all of it with a Christian perspective.

FWG: How do you balance motherhood responsibilities with your work/mission?

KD: I have a great partner. My husband is really great in that we help each other around the house. We help each other with life decisions. We’re great partners when it comes to our boys and their activities as well as the discipline and decisions we need to make for them.

We’ve been super blessed with how our sons have turned out so far. They make great decisions and do what they’re asked to do. I don’t always feel like I’m doing it well, but I try.

I have enjoyed this time of quarantine in having both of my sons home. We didn’t get sick of and frustrated with each other. It has been a joy to be together. Somehow we’ve been able to be in sync together.

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

KD: I like to keep my family together as a cohesive group. We make some decisions together as a unified effort. The four of us try to play and have positive fun time as well. We don’t always get to eat dinner at the table and pray and such, but we try.

I also make having date nights and fun with my husband a priority. And we maintain that our relationship with our sons is first and foremost as their parents.

I have a new project I’ve started working on recently and have really made that a family decision. My sons and husband have given me input. We have moments where we’re a team. We’re one unit and not divided as the parents and the kids.

Read more from the series

Moms ona Mission: Erin Mayes

Moms on a Mission: Mari Hernandez-Tuten

Moms on a Mission: Kathleen Brooker

Moms on a Mission: Sarah R. Moore

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler

Profiles of moms who are making a difference

The Moms on a Mission series is one of my favorites. I love getting to share the stories of real moms who are making a difference in the lives of their families and the world!

This month’s mom is someone I’ve known for more than 20 years. Erin Mayes and I met in college where we were both studying magazine journalism. She was a young woman with a sweet smile. I didn’t have to talk to her long to see her heart for God.

Our lives have certainly changed since those days as young college students, but Erin’s heart for God remains the same. And now she lives out her mission as a wife to her husband, Josh, and mama to two kiddos, who are 8 and 5. She spends her days as a homemaker and stay-at-home mom while also advocating for children who live thousands of miles away from her Midwestern home.

Families with Grace: What is your God-given mission or passion?

Erin Mayes: If you want to talk about passion, my first passion is Jesus. After that, one of our biggest mission’s is our home. Our biggest testimony is our marriage and, for my husband and me, raising our children in a home that is living out the gospel. The over-arching vision of our family is to love God and love others.

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

EM: Like all of life, as soon as you figure something out, it changes. I used to say that I hate change, but over time I’ve grown to learn that life is always changing. I think that’s a blessing. God uses change to remind us to rely on Him. God knows we need Him and wants us to recognize that we need Him.

So, my mission has morphed over time. I feel like I’ve lived several entities of myself. When I was 19, my brother, who was only 16, passed away from cancer. That will always be a giant marker in my life. Then I graduated college and was single and working full time and that was a different mission.

For this moment, where I am right now, we do it real messy and we just keep trying. When we got married, we agreed that I’d stay home when we had kids. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was offered a job that would have been a great career opportunity, but I said no so I could be fully in our home. I’m thankful that I get to invest so much time in our children.

This pandemic — while it’s been so difficult in the world as a whole — has been a blessing for me personally in having enough time to slow down and listen to my kids. I hope that as my children are young I’m able to plant seeds and give them attention. I’m not perfect and have to apologize and ask for forgiveness from them sometimes.

Along with our family, my husband and I are also involved in our church. For us, it’s asking God for the wisdom to give our best “yes,” because we recognize that when you say yes to one thing, you’re saying no to others. And if you’re saying yes to everything, you’re stretched too thin.

FWG: Tell us about your involvement with Team World Vision.

EM: Back around 2012, Team World Vision, which is an arm of World Vision, came to our city and spoke at our church. A woman gave her testimony about how she walked to get to clean water when she was young. It was powerful. Our church had a huge response, and we had a big team that year. Both my husband, Josh, and I ran with Team World Vision that year.

Through training for a half or full marathon, someone who runs or walks with Team World Vision will ask their family and friends to join them on the journey by donating. The dollars donated to their fundraising page go directly to help provide clean water to those who don’t have access to it.

Team World Vision makes an individual sport a team sport. Running long distances is as much mental as physical. It’s easy to quit and hard to keep going. With Team World Vision, you get a schedule of the running plan for each day, whether it’s time or distance. Then your long run is on the weekend.

Most Team World Vision teams get together on Saturday mornings and will have music, water, snacks and so forth. You get to see other people doing the same thing as you. And that’s encouraging.

The first few years, Josh and I would trade off Saturdays running while the other one took care of the baby and eventually babies. Four years ago when we moved to a different area of town and went to a new church, we decided to start our own Team World Vision team.

The statistics are staggering on how much of the world does not have access to clean water. In 2018, my husband and I got to go to Africa to see some of the places where World Vision is working. We heard the founder of Team World Vision speak. He shared that we can only go without breath for a matter of minutes to survive. We can only go without water for a matter of days and without food for weeks for our bodies to survive.

So after air, water is the second most important thing a body needs to survive. If you’re spending all your time searching for water that isn’t even clean, you’re just surviving and not thriving. Sadly, 50% of children under age 5 die in areas where they don’t have access to clean water due to water contamination illnesses. It’s hard to wrap our minds around not having access to clean water.

You’re either doing Team World Vision because you need something to help you accomplish a half or full marathon or because you want to help with the clean water crisis, but ultimately, it ends up being both.

(For even more, check out this Facebook video of Erin’s husband interviewing a team member.)

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living out your mission?

EM: I believe in the Bible that God calls us to boldness — a boldness in our faith. And if we do not have it, the Bible says to ask for it in the same way He tells us to ask for wisdom if we don’t have it. Through Team World Vision, asking people to run or give money can be hard. It’s all about a mindset, but it helps to understand that Jesus says to cast out your net. He doesn’t say to pick and choose.

The first three years we ran with Team World Vision, we raised a small amount. We didn’t have a vision and goal that gripped our hearts. In our fourth year, Josh said if we were going to continue doing this, we needed to be all in. We decided that we would make a full effort and put our whole effort and whole heart into the fundraising equally. We matched the donations people gave us throughout the year and ended up being in the top third of fund raisers that year.

The next year, God called us to do more and we had to step through fear. On the other side of fear is where you find God working. In 2018, we doubled our goal and raised $10,000. We led our team by example. Our team began to see it happen and they began to embrace it themselves and recognize what they could do to help.

Even just getting invited to go to Africa with Team World Vision in 2018 involved me stepping through fear. I don’t like to fly. We had 12 flights in 14 days. It was a spiritual war inside of me just to put down the deposit and say yes, we’re going to Africa and leaving our small children, who were only 3 and 5 at the time.

But, we got to see the work being done there. And God continues to work in our hearts on this. I was training for the 2020 New York City Marathon, but it was recently canceled. That was kind of expected, but also a surprise that they did it so early. So, we’re shifting gears and leading our team. It’s a matter of trusting God each day.

Team World Vision does offer a virtual option now that will allow me to run the 26 miles over five days instead. I can train with others locally but also still complete the marathon virtually.

A couple of years ago, Team World Vision added in child sponsorships. At the beginning of the year, I felt like God was telling me this New York City run should use the money for child sponsorships instead of waterworks like we’ve always done. So, I will do that now with the virtual run.

Child sponsorship is a bigger ask and commitment. It takes $39 a month. But it’s also a bigger impact. It’s continual money going into the community. It helps World Vision. They have a long-term relationship with the community and government. They help the community set goals, reach goals and then they pull out. So the community has ownership.

It’s such a beautiful thing. You’re really making an impact and when you do a child sponsorship, you can set up an auto payment to come out of your account every month. Most Americans don’t end up missing that money that is making an impact somewhere else.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessing in living out your mission?

EM: God’s still working on my heart, thank goodness. I’ve been blessed by the friendships and opportunities that have come out of this. I never dreamed I would go to Africa and get to meet real faces and real people that are impacted. They impacted me.

You can’t out-give God, whether it be money or time or listening to someone else. And we are blessed by the impact we see it slowly making on our family — our children, parents, extended family, church family and community. Each year it grows.

God’s dreams are bigger and better than our own if we’d just let go and say yes.

FWG: How do you balance motherhood responsibilities with your mission?

EM: Trying to get in the runs can be challenging. Josh and I have made it our goal to complete them in the morning, so it’s not hanging over the rest of our day. Plus we feel better throughout the day.

Leading a team and having a large fundraising goal requires a lot of time. During running season, Wednesday night after the kids go to bed is our Team World Vision night. We want our kids to feel like they’re a part of it and not like it’s taking away from family time. We try to make sure Team World Vision is getting attention but also not taking attention away from our kids.

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

EM: You can’t do everything. If it’s a mother of really young children, I’d remind her that those seasons feel so long in the time, but it truly is just a short season. Embrace it for the time you’re in it.

Pray and ask God to open doors. I think we kind of get hung up on perfect, and that really can be the enemy of good. Just help someone else. Do the next right thing. Make the next best choice.

Especially when your kids are small, you have to be willing to accept help, and you don’t have to be the hero. It’s a blessing to let other people help you. The season will come when you can help others again.

Read more from the series

Moms on a Mission: Dr. Karen Dowling

Moms on a Mission: Mari Hernandez-Tuten

Moms on a Mission: Kathleen Brooker

Moms on a Mission: Sarah R. Moore

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler

Profiles of moms making a difference

Connecting with other Christian moms blesses and encourages me. I love the Moms on a Mission series in part for this reason! We are all doing different things but with the similar goal of honoring God.

Mari Hernandez-Tuten is one such mom. She’s a fellow faith blogger over at Inspired by Family and has a similar mission to Families with Grace.

I’ve recently gotten to know Mari better in working with her and some other faith bloggers to put together a virtual, DIY Summer Camp at Home about character for kids. The camp includes seven days worth of great (free!) resources to teach kids how to be kind, obedient, honest, content, respectful, faithful and generous.

(I’ve got a list of fun ways to teach your kids about obedience going live on June 12. Don’t miss it!)

Mari’s passion leaps off the screen. She’s the mom of three boys and wife of her first boyfriend who spent nearly a decade on the mission field in South America. Mari ministers through her writing, speaking, counseling and more. Her testimony will inspire you to continue on in your own God-given passion!

Families with Grace: What is your God-given mission or passion?

Mari Hernandez-Tuten: I’m one of those eclectic people who feels passionate about many things. I truly enjoy serving others, hospitality, friendships, family, art and community. 

I love encouraging women to find hope and truth in their motherhood through God’s word. And that’s how I ended up writing a blog about family, faith and fun because I couldn’t imagine only writing about fun activities, but I also wanted to share my faith and encourage mothers on this journey of parenting. 

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

MHT: My background is in counseling and family life coaching. So I have the joy of speaking and teaching workshops to encourage parents and women. 

I’m also currently working with a publisher on a Bible study for women on Proverbs 31. 

These things I just mentioned are great opportunities, but I get to do what I am most passionate about here in my home and community. I feel it’s important to not just be an encouraging online presence but to do life side-by-side with others in my home and in my community.

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living out your mission?

MHT: One of my challenges in living out my mission would be what I just shared above–I am passionate about a lot of things. I’m a visionary and leader so I’m constantly coming up with new ideas and finding ways to make it happen, which can be overwhelming. Another one would be fear. I use to be fearless, but the older I get the more I let fear keep me from doing things for God.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessings in living out your mission?

MHT: My biggest blessing from living out my mission is that my children get to witness God working through me and in me as countless women from all walks of life and ages share their lives, laughter and tears with me over a cup of tea at my dinner table. 

FWG: How do you balance motherhood responsibilities with your work/mission?

Early on in motherhood, I had a monumental moment that changed the course of my life. I talk about it here. It was a time when God opened my eyes and heart to see “God’s glory discovers us where we are.” In the menial tasks, in the everyday moments of life, He can use us. Throughout scripture you see Him come face-to-face with women in the midst of the everyday tasks of life. 

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

MHT: I love how God meets us where we are—while changing diapers, in the carpool line, on the way to work, while playing old maid for the 100th time with your preschooler…

One of the many divine encounters that have profoundly impacted me from the Bible was that of Jacob. God met Jacob on the road in the middle of nowhere and changed His name and gave him purpose. God meets Hagar in the desert and calls her by name. God met Moses in the field while he was shepherding his flock. God met the woman at the well in the middle of the day,  while she was out getting water, and changed the course of her life. 

Ask God to help you see the menial tasks of your ordinary life through His perspective and be willing to offer it up to Him. It really isn’t about what you do or don’t have to offer but what God does with it. 

Allow Him to take your meager offering and multiply it for His glory however He sees fit. Finally, I leave you with this–You can’t give to others what you don’t have. Make time to connect with God for yourself, not for your ministry, your Bible study or your Sunday School lesson, but because you long to be in His presence.

Read more from the series

Moms on a Mission: Dr. Karen Dowling

Moms on a Mission: Erin Mayes

Moms on a Mission: Kathleen Brooker

Moms on a Mission: Sarah R. Moore

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler

Kids need to feel understood

Recently, I wrote an article for a publication about Social Security disability benefits for people who have the same bladder condition I do, interstitial cystitis. IC has no diagnostic test for it and is instead a diagnosis of elimination. While we have made much progress through the years, some patients are still told their symptoms are all in their heads.

Each patient I interviewed who had received disability benefits — whether it took one year or eight years — said their approval for disability brought them great relief and great validation. In fact, feeling validated was almost as thrilling for them as finding out their financial concerns were going to be improving.

Why validation matters

Validation is so incredibly important. I think it’s something that we often overlook both for ourselves and for our kids. Sometimes we don’t need someone to come along and fix our problems. We just need someone to listen, understand and say, “I see you are suffering, and I’m sorry.”

I have felt that way so many times. I even tell my husband sometimes when I don’t need him to fix a problem and just need him to listen.

I’ve not thought about validation as much when it comes to my children. I suppose that’s because validation doesn’t matter so much when they are babies and toddlers. It’s a bit complex. As they get older, though, it comes up.

Validating kids’ emotions

Over the weekend, my daughter had something she wanted to do that didn’t work out through no fault of hers or anyone else. She felt frustrated, disappointed and tearful. What she was upset about seemed a bit trivial to me, because I have three decades of life on her that give me more perspective.

But, it was a big deal to her. And I realized how thankful I am that at 9 years old, my daughter hasn’t had experiences to give her a different perspective. She hasn’t dealt with great adversity or struggle. I am thankful for that blessing.

As I heard her crying, I debated about how to react. Should I comfort her? Should I leave her be? What did my mom do? What would help her most? I decided to trust my mama instinct, which said to go to her and comfort her. So that’s what I did.

It didn’t take much. I gave her a hug and commiserated with her about how disappointing the situation was. I validated her struggle and feelings. That’s what she most needed. Then I gently guided her through looking for a solution to the problem.

Moving from validation to proactivity

I don’t want her to get so caught up in her emotions that she can’t move forward to fix problems. Obviously that wouldn’t serve her well in life. But, I knew without validation for her feelings that she wouldn’t be able to move forward and find a solution.

She was able to continue with her day. My daughter shed a few more tears and then moved on. She felt understood, which mattered most to her. It matters to all of us. When we are going through a difficult time, we just want to be seen and acknowledged for our struggle.

Adults need validation, too

A couple of years ago, I dealt with an ongoing situation that greatly affected me, yet I wasn’t able to tell anyone about. I remember a good friend whose response in finding out about it later was, “You must have felt so alone.” Her response still touches my heart, because I was validated. I felt seen and heard in the midst of my struggle.

That’s all our kiddos need sometimes, too. It’s human nature. And it’s something I’m going to strive to remind myself the next time one of my kiddos has a breakdown over something that seems small to me.

My children don’t need my irritation, frustration or list of solutions. They just need me to come alongside them, hug them, remind them they aren’t alone and then we can work through it together. I pray also that doing this with small issues in their childhood will lead them to coming to me with bigger, more serious issues as they grow.

Profiles of moms making a difference

Back in 2009, I was pregnant with my daughter and joined a message board on Baby Center’s site for women expecting babies in October 2009.

Through the years, I’ve gotten to know a few of the moms from that group very well and consider them good friends. One of these mamas is Kathleen Brooker. When we first “met,” she lived in California. Since then she’s followed her husband’s calling as an Anglican priest to New York and now to Anchorage, Alaska.

As a pastor’s wife of a growing church, Kathleen often jumps in teaching Sunday School, serving in the nursery, co-leading the teen group and more.

Kathleen, who is a former mental health counselor, has chosen to be at home with her five children (ages 2 to 10). She homeschools her oldest three and does her best to keep the younger two entertained at the same time. She’s got such a heart for God and has blessed and encouraged me many times throughout the years.

Just reading Kathleen’s responses to my questions encouraged me, and I know they will you, too!

Families with Grace: What is your God-given mission or passion?

Kathleen Brooker: This is such a hard question for me to answer! It’s hard to zero in on the one thing I feel called to. I think that might mean that I haven’t figured that out yet. So many things draw me. I love to serve alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ, wherever we happen to be needed.

Right now, my service is mostly with the youth in our church: I homeschool our kids, teach Sunday school, and help lead our teen group. I have a heart for young moms and women experiencing crisis pregnancies. I long to be a kind and loving voice speaking the truth of the gospel into the hearts of those needing to hear it.

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

KB: I always thought the counseling profession was where I was supposed to really minister, but after over a decade I’ve come to the conclusion that a counseling office just isn’t where God wants me to serve.

So I serve at home by teaching our kids, by guiding their hearts to love Jesus. I serve by helping our teens at church learn to talk about their faith and share it with others. I serve by being a pastor’s wife.

I love watching my husband share Jesus with people, whether it’s through a worship service, a sermon, a conversation or a prayer with a stranger who calls at 3 a.m. God has blessed him with a personality and heart to love His people, but that’s not always an easy job. That’s where I come in: I get to be his support as he lives out his mission.

God has set our family on a very interesting course — one I never would have imagined when I started dating my husband! We’ve been married for 13 years and have made three major moves (and two minor ones) in that time.

We crossed the country to serve in California, crossed back to serve in New York, then packed up our family again four years ago to serve a small church in Alaska. We’ve had some painful experiences and some times of beautiful peace and healing. Through all of it, we’ve been a team and God has grown us through our ministry together.

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living out your mission?

KB: I think my biggest struggle is that my calling doesn’t feel like a calling sometimes. It just feels like tagging along where God calls my husband! So often, I feel like whatever I can offer is so small that it just has to be insignificant.

There are so many outreach ministries I would love to be involved in, but I’m just so busy with home stuff that it seems like I don’t have time to actually minister to anyone. That’s when I have to remind myself that this is where God has put me now, right here in this house, right in the middle of all this chaos. And He knows I’m here and what’s going on.

He’s blessed my husband and me with five little hearts that are so open to Jesus and long to know and love Him. That’s my mission right now: my kids. It doesn’t mean I can’t do other things outside the home or that I don’t want to, but my focus these days is on guiding them.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessings in living out your mission?

KB: It’s got to be learning to trust that God really does know what He’s doing. It’s easy to say that God is in control when things are going well, but it becomes so much harder when we run into complications in life. It feels strange to say that the times we’ve struggled most have also blessed us the most, but they have.

We had one particularly rough situation where my husband had lost his job. We were living thousands of miles away from family and friends. We were suddenly cut off from the little support and friendship we’d had, and we just didn’t know what we were going to do. I was eight months pregnant with no health insurance and things just seemed awful.

It wasn’t an easy time, but even in the middle of it, we could see God moving. It was amazing to see how He worked things out and provided for us. I love looking back at a situation and realizing, “Oh, THAT’S what you were doing, God!” It’s amazing to see.

I think my favorite example of this is always going to be the birth of our fifth child. I was so done at four children. I even told God that. Apparently He didn’t agree because shortly after we’d moved to Alaska and settled into our new life here, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant.

I had such a hard time accepting that I was really going to have another baby and I struggled with it right up until the moment she was born and I saw her little face. The moment I held her and looked in her eyes, I heard God whispering in my heart, telling me to just trust Him. He was telling me that He knows my heart so much better than I ever could. He knows what I need and what is best, even when I think I’ve got a better plan.

During that whole pregnancy, I fought against trusting that God’s plan was better than mine. But the second I saw my daughter’s beautiful little face, all my resistance melted away and I was just in awe of Him. He was teaching me a mighty lesson, but He was doing it in such a gentle, loving way. At that moment I had just a glimpse of His amazing patience, love and grace.

I’d love to say that I’ve changed every aspect of my life and that I never worry and always trust wholly in Him…but that just wouldn’t be honest. Every single time I look at my daughter, though, He reminds me that His plans are best. I still struggle to trust Him completely, but I hope that I’m at least taking some tiny steps in the right direction, following where He’s so lovingly and patiently leading me.

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

KB: I think my advice would be to remember that God has you where you are for a reason. It doesn’t always seem like we’re making any kind of difference or actually doing anything to serve Him, but we are.

I know I always catch myself comparing myself with other women who seem to be more accomplished than I am, feeling that if they are doing something I’m not, then I must be failing. But that’s not the way this works.

We are all here to serve Him in different ways. For some of us, that may never be a spotlight-type of ministry, and that’s OK. It’s more than OK; it’s what He has planned for us. I think we’re just supposed to follow Him faithfully, serving wherever we are with our whole heart and sharing the love of Jesus where we are.

Read more from the series

Moms on a Mission: Dr. Karen Dowling

Moms on a Mission: Erin Mayes

Moms on a Mission: Mari Hernandez-Tuten

Moms on a Mission: Sarah R. Moore

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler

Profiles of moms making a difference

I recently shared about the FWG Moms on a Mission series in a blogging group I belong to. Sarah R. Moore reached out to me to ask for more information. Within a minute of being on her page, Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting, I realized she and I have a lot in common!

Her mission and mine line up incredibly well. Sarah is passionate about encouraging positive parenting and building relationships. You’re going to be blessed and encouraged by her insights!

Families with Grace: What is your God-given mission or passion?

Sarah R. Moore: My mission is help families know Christ’s love within their own homes and to feel His grace and live out His goodness in how family members treat one another. Words alone won’t encourage the next generation to believe. I want children to trust in God’s kindness because they’ve experienced that feeling of physical and emotional safety in their own homes.

Further, I hope to gently bring non-believers to Christ by helping them feel His love as they experience it within the context of gentle and positive parenting. I’m a peacemaker by nature, and I want to help people make peace with Christ, above all.  

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

SRM: I’m an internationally published positive parenting writer and educator. Still, I’m far from perfect, so I share my struggles as well as my “wins.” I want parents to know that I “get” both sides. I’ve never been one to write about why MY way is best or why someone HAS to believe in Christ; those things are off-putting at best.

Instead, I take a really honest and transparent approach. Sometimes, it feels like my blog posts should start, “Dear Diary…” But seriously, parenting can be HARD sometimes, and I want parents to have solid, research-backed, evidence-based information at their fingertips. Moreover, as a mom, I work to practice what I preach in my own home. My child is going to hold me accountable for this stuff!

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living out your mission?

SRM: There’s so much misinformation out there – along with so many stereotypes. For one, many non-believers assume that Christian parenting is, by definition, authoritarian parenting and that’s simply not the case. Christ welcomed (and sought out!) those with the worst behavior and taught them through grace through parables and role modeling in His own life. He forgave them even when they did positively awful things. He was patience and peace embodied.

If anything, Christians should be modeling Christ-like behavior to their children and to others; we’re the examples that others see in the world. Of course, by definition, we humans are all imperfect, so it’s all the more important that we live humbly and treat others (including children) how we’d like to be treated – the Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12. It’s an uphill spiritual battle trying to show non-believers that Christ was kind and that we can (and should) raise our children accordingly.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessings in living out your mission?

SRM: So many! In my own home, I’m constantly reminded of the goodness of positive parenting. I see it manifesting in my child’s kindness that she pours out on others. If she sees someone who needs help, she’s the first one to show up for them – even kids she doesn’t know well (and she’s a strongly introverted child, so this is really something).

And of course, every time I receive an email or a blog post comment about how something gentle I suggested WORKED for a parent or caregiver, especially if it was a departure from how he or she would’ve previously handled the situation – that just makes my heart sing.

FWG: How do you balance motherhood responsibilities with your work/mission?

SRM: That’s tricky, for sure. One thing that helps is that, by necessity, I’ve set some strong limits around my own screen time. My child knows she can count on me to be there for her. I’ve definitely sacrificed some self-care time to get my work done in the evenings after she’s asleep, but in many ways, writing is my self-care. Framing it that way helps me keep the importance of my work in perspective, not only for me but also for my readers.

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

SRM: Do it when it feels right. Don’t force it when it doesn’t, otherwise your passion will start to feel like a chore. Just like our kids grow in spurts, our own personal growth happens in much the same way. Trust yourself and trust that God will tell you when the timing is right. I’ve never gone wrong when I’ve trusted His timing with that which I feel called to do.

Read more from the series

Moms on a Mission: Dr. Karen Dowling

Moms on a Mission: Erin Mayes

Moms on a Mission: Mari Hernandez-Tuten

Moms on a Mission: Kathleen Brooker

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler