5 Proven tips to help you not yell at your kids

We’ve all seen them. The parents at the playground who yell without abandon at their kids. They’re tired, exasperated and ready to call it quits. Maybe we’ve been that parent ourselves. None of us are perfect, but most of us don’t want to yell at our kids. When we welcomed tiny bundles of joy into the world, we didn’t envision a future spent with yelling and frustration!

But the question remains, can you effectively parent and not yell at your kids? Yes. It really is possible. I’ve been a parent for just a few days shy of 12 years and very, very seldom yell at my kids. And, you know what? My kiddos are both well behaved and their teachers often compliment their behavior.

I know every family is different with different needs and personality types. Check out these tips that work for us and see if maybe they could work for you, too, as you strive to not yell at your kids.

1. Don’t make empty threats.

Empty threats are those threats we know we aren’t going to follow through on — and our kids know that as well. So they don’t take you seriously. Their behavior continues. You get frustrated. To try and get through to them, you resort to raising your voice.

But empty threats don’t work. My husband and I made a plan when our first child was born that we’d not make threats we weren’t willing to follow through on. Sometimes that’s been hard. A couple of times, we’ve gotten into a pickle. However, it’s worked. Before I threaten a consequence for a behavior, I take two seconds to make sure it’s a consequence I will follow through on.

For example, when our oldest was a toddler, we were going to meet a friend of mine for lunch. I was excited to go to lunch. My daughter decided that day she would insist on doing everything herself — as toddlers like to do. In the midst of my frustration as I was trying to make her let me just put her shoes on for her, I nearly said, “If you don’t let me help you, then we’ll just stay home.”

The truth was my friend was coming from out of town, and it was a lunch I’d been looking forward to. Not going really wasn’t an option I’d follow through on. Instead, I shifted strategies and told her I’d count slowly to 10 while she worked on her shoes. If she didn’t finished by then, I would help her. She got to be independent; I got to make sure her shoes were on. We both got to enjoy lunch out.

If I had given the consequence of staying home unless she let me help her and then gone to lunch any way, she would have learned that I don’t always mean what I say. And soon enough, she’d stop listening to my empty threats. She’d continue doing what she wanted. I’d get frustrated and resort to yelling at her. It’s a slippery slope indeed!

Decide that if you are going to threaten a consequence that it’s one you will follow through on should your child not comply. I know it doesn’t sound so much like it has to do with yelling, but I think empty threats lead to yelling more times than not!

2. Have clear and consistent rules.

Another tactic to stop yelling at your kids is to set clear and consistent rules. Just like with empty threats, make sure the rules are reasonable and something you will consistently enforce. For example, one of our rules is that we speak to each other with respect. We don’t abide by name-calling or making fun of anyone. I always enforce that rule. If one of my kids speaks disrespectfully to another family member, they hear about it and usually have a consequence for it. This is a rule with no exceptions. It is also a rule for our entire family and not just the children. My husband and I also talk to our children and each other respectfully.

Other rules are sometimes broken with permission. But those are few and far between. Usually we don’t allow food upstairs at our house. However, during virtual schooling last year, we allowed my daughter to take snacks upstairs sometimes when she was on break.

Along with making rules, be consistent with them. Nothing is more frustrating for a child than inconsistency. If you do one thing one day and it’s OK, but the next day the exact same thing gets you in big trouble, it’s stressful and confusing. This also applies between parents. Talk with your spouse so you’re both on the same page with what’s OK and what isn’t.

My husband and I are usually on the same page when it comes to rules and discipline, but that doesn’t happen by chance. We’ve had many conversations about what is OK and what isn’t. We talk about how we handled situations and see what the other person thinks. Parenting is an evolving process as our kids grow. We have to keep in touch with our spouses about how we are going to handle new phases as they pop up.

Having each other’s back is also important. A couple of times my husband has backed me up when he didn’t necessarily agree with me and vice versa. Later (not in front of the kids) we discussed the situation. But in front of the kids, we showed a united front.

3. Communicate your expectations.

Once my kids were toddlers, I started talking with them before we went places about what I expected from them. I wasn’t giving lengthy speeches, but I’d say things like, “We are going to play with our friends at the park for an hour. But when mommy says it is time to go, don’t give me a hard time. We have an appointment we have to get to.”

Oftentimes I also gave my kids an idea of what to expect in new situations. I still do this to a degree. My son and I went to a meeting last week for an organization he wants to join. I explained up front that I didn’t know exactly what to expect, but we could ask questions. I reminded him that we needed to be on our best behavior.

When going over expectations with my kids, I also rarely bring up times in the past that they didn’t make the correct choice about their behavior. Every so often I will use previous bad behavior as a reminder that if it happens again then we won’t be able to continue a certain activity. But again, I only say something like that if it is completely true.

When kids know what to expect and how they are expected to behave, they usually behave better. And when your kids behave well, it’s easier to not yell at your kids!

4. Address the root of the behavior.

No matter how great your kids are, sometimes they act out or behave poorly because of underlying reasons. And when that happens, no amount of yelling at your kids is going to solve anything. It’s just going to make both of you miserable.

While kids definitely need consequences for unacceptable behavior, sometimes what they also need is for us to take time to listen to them. Recently, my son was having a bad afternoon. The day turned out differently than expected, and he was frustrated. As a result, he made some bad choices and got in trouble for them. About 10 minutes later, the two of us were alone and he mentioned he felt he was unfairly treated by having a consequence for the behavior. He was calm about it and not defiant in any way. He was just being honest.

So, I sat down with him on his level. I explained his behavior warranted consequences and then asked why he was off that afternoon. He opened up and shared his feelings and why he was so frustrated. We talked it through. I listened to him. I commiserated with him, I understood him, and then I encouraged him. Together we decided the rest of the afternoon and evening would be good. And it was!

That heart-to-heart moment with my son took no more than five minutes. I understood where he was coming from. The consequence for his behavior remained, but he also felt listened to and validated. That’s what we all need. Had we not had that conversation, I’m guessing the rest of the day would have included more poor choices, resulting in my husband or me losing our temper and raising our voices. Getting to the root of the problem kept that from happening.

Another positive of getting to the root of the problem is letting our kids know that we are their safe place when they are upset. They can talk to us about anything. My conversation with my son started because he was sincerely telling me how he felt about getting in trouble. I want him to be able to do that. I have encouraged my kids to talk to us. Of course, I’ve had times that their honesty has made me bristle and I’ve had to keep it in check. But communication is what makes for good relationships. Talking is a much better way to communicate than yelling for sure!

5. Know when yelling is OK.

So even though yelling at your kids isn’t something you want to do on a regular basis, sometimes yelling is OK. The biggest time is when your kids are doing something dangerous and you need to get their immediate attention. Because my husband and I don’t yell often, when we do, our kids pay attention.

A few weeks ago, we were in the kitchen before dinner and my son started to reach for something right over a hot baking sheet that was on the counter. I yelled at him to stop. He immediately jumped back. While it scared him, I was OK with that because I needed to get his attention right away before he got burned. If he was somewhat de-sensitized to my yelling because I yelled all the time, I’m not sure his reaction would have been quick enough to save him from getting hurt.

And then there are times when the child is just not listening and continuing the bad behavior. The usual mode of operation in our family is to give two or three warnings to stop before we raise our voice. We don’t often have to raise our voices. But every so often we need to in order to get our kids’ attention so they actually listen and stop their behavior.

However, yelling at our kids is never our first response, unless they are in danger. If we yell at them unfairly, we apologize for doing so. Apologizing gives us the opportunity to show our kids that adults mess up and need grace, too.

Want more? Don’t miss these posts!

Ideas for making a family yes day fun for everyone

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A couple of months ago, my kids watched the movie “Yes Day” on Netflix at my parents’ house. Since then, they’ve talked about how they wanted to have a family yes day as well. In fact, as we made a list of activities we wanted to do this summer, family yes day made it onto the list.

And so a couple of weeks ago, we picked a Saturday and declared it would be our family yes day. My husband and I had some concerns and weren’t all that sure what to expect. The kids forbade us from watching the “Yes Day” movie beforehand, though they shared about some of the antics in the movie. Just like that our yes day was underway, and I’m so glad we did it!

What exactly is a family yes day?

A family yes day is a day when parents say yes to anything the kids ask them. Basically, it means the kids get to be in charge. The yes day in the movie lasted 24 hours, according to the movie trailer. Our yes day was from the time we woke up (at a time our kids chose) until we went to sleep that night.

Saying yes to anything kids ask for sounds a bit scary and potentially alarming. So, as a family we agreed to a few ground rules ahead of time. We tried to keep the rules simple and straight forward. My daughter wrote them down for us.

1. All rules apply!
2. Parents may sit out when involving major fears or inconveniences.
3. Any toy purchases come from the kids’ own money.
4. No asking for living things.
5. Say yes!

While our kiddos had about six days to plan their yes day after we made these rules, another option is to just pick a day and say yes to whatever the kids ask without them knowing ahead of time. I suggest letting them do some planning, though. At least for my kiddos the anticipation is half of the fun. (Another bonus is it gets them to work together on something!)

Making plans

Once we had finalized our rules for yes day, our kids got to work coming up with ideas of what they’d like to do for the day. They sequestered themselves in my daughter’s room so we wouldn’t know anything. The pair of them even made arrangements with grandparents for things. They asked my in-laws to watch our dog for the day. And they asked my parents for a day to come over and do some work for yes day.

Meanwhile, my husband and I were beginning to wonder what we’d gotten ourselves into and what they were going to have us do!

I learned after the fact that the kids did some online searching for ideas. They checked the weather forecast. Rain was predicted for the Saturday we chose, so some activities wouldn’t work out well. Because my daughter is much like I am, they also made an itinerary for the day complete with approximate times for everything. They were well prepared!

Earlier in the week as they were making their plans, I mentioned to my daughter that I wanted to make sure her little brother had an equal say in the day. I do see that could certainly be an area of conflict among siblings. My kiddos feel very strongly about being fair, though. They did a great job at balancing the day with things they both wanted to do.

Ideas for family yes day

Let’s get to the fun stuff of what actually happened for yes day! The kiddos told us we needed to be ready for the day by 7:30 a.m. and that we shouldn’t eat breakfast.

A breakfast treat

Our first stop was a local doughnut shop where we each picked a sweet pastry for breakfast. My 8-year-old son chose to wear his PJs for the first part of the day. We don’t usually let him go places in his PJs, but we couldn’t tell him no!

Shopping

The next stop was Walmart for my son because he wanted to do some toy shopping. He used his own money and purchased a truck set he’d had in mind. (Thanks to not being out much for the past year and a half because of the pandemic, my kids both had a decent amount of money in their spending. They were able to have small shopping sprees!)

My daughter opted to wait until we got back home after that stop and order online. She’s wanted a giant teddy bear for years. We’ve always said no, because where are you going to put a 5-foot tall bear?! But, we couldn’t say no on family yes day. Plus we had just finished cleaning out and reorganizing her bedroom with her, so she really did have room for the bear. She also added in some stickers she’d been eying to use in her new room decor and some new scrunchies that you can store small items in.

Getting crafty

The kids asked to make fluffy slime. We hadn’t don so for a while, but thankfully we had the ingredients needed for fluffy slime: shaving cream, glue, baking soda and contact solution. We’ve made this slime recipe a couple of other times and it turns out well, but we hadn’t made it for about two years. We were overdue. And my sweet kiddos gave me my own glob, because I love slime!

Water fun

Our next activity was a bit crazy. We live in the Midwest where July weather is usually hot and humid. On our family yes day, however, we had an atypical cool day with highs in the low 70s and rain forecasted. But that didn’t deter my kids from wanting to have a water balloon fight. We’ve never done that and evidently it was something they’ve been pining to do.

On their day with my parents, they went shopping and my parents got these easy-fill water balloons. We got them filled pretty quickly and then proceeded to chase each other around the yard with them. There were lots of shrieks and giggles!

Lunch

After drying off, we were all ready for lunch. We made our typical lunches, but the kids had a rule that we could eat anywhere except the kitchen table. One sat on the fireplace hearth and the other on the dining room floor. My husband and I opted for the couch!

Obstacle course

During virtual school, we had a couple of times that our gym assignment was making an obstacle course. The kids wanted to do that on family yes day, so I helped them sit it up downstairs using kitchen chairs, stools, a yoga mat and some fabric squares. Basically, it worked like “The Floor is Lava” where they couldn’t touch the ground. They did a couple of tweaks as they went and then wanted to time themselves to see how much faster they could get.

Downtime

The kids had extra time in the schedule, so we had some family downtime for a bit. They had planned some family downtime, but we ended up with just a bit more than they had planned, which was nice for their tired parents!

Chuck E. Cheese’s

The next activity was a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s to play games. I wasn’t super excited for this idea, and it was the busiest place we’ve been since before the pandemic, but my son really wanted to go. Plus, how could we say no? So we spent 45 minutes playing games. My daughter, who isn’t as excited about Chuck E. Cheese’s these days, was sweet to humor her brother.

Early dinner

If my kids can pick anywhere to eat, they always pick Fazoli’s. So we weren’t shocked that’s where they wanted to have dinner on our family yes day.

Cake decorating

According to the kids, the next activity was a bit last minute. They had planned for us to go see a movie, but that didn’t work out for a variety of reasons, which they realized the day before. Instead, we came home and they wanted to have a cake decorating competition. I got a slightly modified cake in the oven in two round pans and then whipped up some buttercream icing.

My daughter found an image of a bear and we divided into teams. Our objective was to recreate the image of the, but we didn’t have to use the same color as the bear. My husband and daughter worked on a brown bear, while my son and I decided on blue for our bear. We let grandparents pick the winner via photos or video without telling them who did which cake. My son and I won just barely.

And then, we had some tasty cake at the same time the kids would usually be going to bed!

Fort building

As we were getting into bedtime mode, the kids had planned to make a blanket fort in the loft and sleep there. They switched to making it our bedroom, though. My son planned to sleep in it all night. My daughter hung out there until she was ready to sleep and then went to her own bed. The fort turned out very well using our kitchen chairs, blankets and some clamps.

Glowing in the dark

The final activity for yes day was using all sorts of glow bracelets and balloons that they had gotten from the Dollar Tree with my parents. As we blew up balloons, we put one or two activated bracelets in them to create glowing balloons. Some glow bracelets stayed out.

Benefits of our family yes day

My husband and I were quite surprised at what our kids picked to do for yes day. We had visions of them wanting to go on excursions out of town or do major activities. But instead they really just wanted to do fun stuff. Chances are, we would have said yes to many of these things at different times. I know we wouldn’t have said yes to them all in the same day. And, honestly, some of them seemed like more effort than they actually were.

I don’t want my kids to always think of their dad and me as saying no. Of course we can’t usually say yes to everything, but letting them have the freedom to just have fun with our yeses was more than worth it. They completely loved the day. I was proud of how they worked together to plan the day. Seeing them excited to be calling the shots and in charge was so much fun!

The best part to me is that we made good family memories. I took photos. We laughed. We won’t forget yes day any time soon. The kids asked to have another one again sometime. Our answer? Yes!