Why grandparents are important and why parents don’t need to be jealous of that relationship

Science tells us that grandparents being involved in the life of their grandkids is good not only for the children but also for the grandparents themselves.

For example, a study released in June of 2016 from Boston College found that the rates of depression were less for grandparents AND grandchildren who had close relationships.

The unbreakable bond

I grew up with three loving and devoted grandparents who lived nearby. While my paternal grandpa died a month after I was born, my other three grandparents were a big part of my life. They lived just two houses apart from each other and were within five minutes of our house.

I was blessed to grow up with all three of them. My first grandparent loss didn’t happen until the beginning of my sophomore year in college. My last grandparent loss was two years ago. I miss them all so very much.

But my experience with grandparents is not over. Now I get to see my parents and my in-laws as grandparents. We have chosen to remain in the same city with both sets of grandparents even though it means that my husband has to drive a ways when he needs to go into the office.

On any given day, my children would have a 95% chance of choosing to be with my parents or in-laws over my husband and me! And I’m OK with that. (They don’t get to stay with them indefinitely, but they do get to see their grandparents usually at least once a week during the school year and often more during the summer.)

The love of parents

I will always be their mom. Nothing can ever change that or the love I have for them. Our relationship is our own and has nothing to do with their relationship with their grandparents.

I was close with all of my grandparents and loved them fiercely, but my mom and dad were still my mom and dad. Loving my grandparents didn’t mean I had less love for my parents. I just had all that much more love, and the same is true for my kiddos.

I am so very thankful that my children have grandparents who are investing in them. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we had children. As a result, all of our parents were retired by the time we started a family. And our parents were head-over-heels from day one.

An additional support system

My parents and in-laws are all a huge part of our kids’ lives. These grandparents show up for school performances and birthday parties. They love having the kids over to spend the night. They love spoiling the kids and buying toys they don’t need and offering extra sweets. These people are not the same people who raised my husband and me — and I love that!

I could be jealous of their relationship. I could resent the time my children spend with their grandparents. I’ve had a few times where my kids experienced something for the first time with their grandparents instead of with my husband and me. Honestly, it smarted a time or two.

However, long ago I learned to just be thankful. I’m glad that my parents and in-laws get a chance to experience some firsts with our kids, too. Because in the end, all they have in mind is our kids’ happiness.

As their mom, I love my children so completely and so fully. I would willingly lay down my life for them. I do my best to meet all of their needs and look out for their best interests. Aside from my husband and me, our parents are the people who most love our children and would do whatever the kids need, no matter what.

That’s a tremendous blessing. The relationship between a grandchild and grandparent is a precious one. I learned that as a grandchild. I see that now as a mom. One of these days in the future, I may learn that as a grandparent as well. I have been well taught what makes a good grandparent through all of my experiences. I’m thankful to be able to pass those lessons along to my children as they grow up close to their grandparents.

How grandparents are different

What I love about relationships between grandparents and grandchildren is that they are unique. Grandparents love their grandkids just as much as their parents do, but they have a different perspective and a different purpose.

While my husband and I are tasked with the job of raising our kids to be good people and discipline and do the nitty gritty work, our parents have the freedom to just love on them and have fun with them. Of course the kids love that and need that!

Grandparents are different in that they are able to just be present with their grandkids. Of course they have chores and tasks to be done, but many times those can wait until after the grandkids have gone home. I don’t get that luxury as often because in the midst of spending time with my kids, I also have to make sure our household is running smoothly and they have lunches packed, homework done, clothes washed, baths taken and on the list goes!

Grandparents are also different in that they have more patience. Nobody has raised kids and not understood how much patience it takes. It starts right from the beginning when they depend on you for every single thing, every single moment. I’m not sure it ever stops. While my husband and I can run short on patience in the midst of family life, our parents seldom do. They have patience in abundance for their grandchildren, which is something my kids thrive on.

Grandparents get to show up and cheer their grandkids on with pride. Parents totally do this, too. I enjoy going to the kids’ school programs and such. But while I can get busy and even stressed with the logistics of it all, my parents and in-laws show up with big smiles and are happy to cheer on our kids and brag about them whenever they get a chance. What kid doesn’t love that?!

Grandparents get to be the fun ones. I have seen both my parents and in-laws stop what they were doing and just play with our kids in ways I don’t even think they did with us. They have more freedom to be fun and have fun with the kids, which is a huge blessing for my children.

It really does take a village

Finally, grandparents also get to be an example to their grandkids. We are blessed that both my parents and my husband’s parents are incredibly great examples for our children. They all live Godly lives and model love, grace and faith to our children. I was blessed to have the examples of my own grandparents. All of that pours into my children. My children have a legacy of love and faith behind them, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Raising children is a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure. Keeping them safe is more challenging than ever before. Keeping them connected with the real world and grounded in faith can be a struggle. Having people come alongside my husband and me as we raise our children is a blessing beyond words. I will never be jealous of the relationship my kids have with any of their grandparents. I will just be grateful that they have so many good adults willing to love them and invest in them and help us as we raise them.

What the story of two sisters in the Bible taught me about motherhood

This post first ran back on Feb. 5, 2015 on my former blog. While some things have changed — like the age and some of the needs of my children — everything else remains quite the same. In fact, God brought this post to my mind earlier this week as a reminder to not be so busy in doing things for my family that I forget to just be with my family.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard sermons or Bible studies or read devotions on the Mary and Martha story in the Bible. Probably more than I can count. But as God is known to do, sometimes He knocks me over the head about something in a new way and that happened last week. 

I read a devotion about Mary and Martha — you know, the story in Luke 10:38-42 where Jesus goes to visit the two sisters and Mary sits at His feet listening to Him talk while Martha stays busy getting everything in the house ready. When Martha asks Him to reprimand her sister for not helping, Jesus lovingly turns the tables on her and gently reminds her that Mary is doing the right thing. What He wanted and what she needed was to just listen to Him.

This passage has long reminded me to not be so busy doing things that I miss out on just being with and listening to God. But for the first time last week, it spoke directly to my mother’s heart. Zing! Right where I needed to hear it. 

I am the kind of person who thrives on a to-do list. Thrives! I feel most accomplished when I can look back at my day and see how I marked off item after item. On down times, I get antsy if I don’t get things done. I like a mix of being productive and resting when it comes to my downtime. I have a to-do list for every day. And, of course, with two small children there is always lots to be done: cleaning, cooking, laundering, bathing, diapering and on and on the list goes.

I have been feeling quite proud of myself lately for all I’ve been doing. As my son has gotten older and less clingy and more happy and able to play with his big sister, I have gotten a chance to get things done again. I have also felt well enough these last few weeks to do things. 

So I was feeling proud that I’ve been organizing my house in pockets here and there and marking things off my to-do list and keeping up with laundry and making healthy food for my family and on I could go. But you may also know what the Bible also says about pride going before a fall.

Just like that God smacked me over the head and pointed out to me that I needed to make sure I wasn’t only being a Martha to my children (doing all the tasks that surround caring for them), but that I was also being a Mary to my children (stopping to listen to and play with them). Ouch! It’s not that doing my kids’ laundry or making their lunch or cleaning our house are bad or wrong in any way. Certainly those things need to be done. If I don’t do them things get crazy! 

However, God reminded me that I need to stop doing sometimes and just be with my kiddos. Of course I play with them. Of course I interact with them, but how often do I just sit down with them one-on-one and say, “Let’s do whatever you want to do for the next half hour?” Not all that often. 

More often than I’d like to admit, when I play with them I feel antsy to be able to move on to my next task or I think about all that isn’t getting done or I even just think how much I wish I could be doing something else for myself. And many times, I’m half playing and half keeping an eye on the time so that we don’t get off our precious schedule.

The games a preschooler and toddler come up with aren’t always intriguing and fun to me. How many times can I make a Ninja Turtle on a motorcycle run into Batman on a motorcycle before I start to want to pull out my hair?  But isn’t God patient with us? Aren’t I supposed to model my life after Him? He sees me wandering around making a mess of things or doing the same tedious, ridiculous things over and over. 

Fortunately He doesn’t think like I sometimes do and get impatient with my childish ways. Sometimes I think He finds delight in the little things that delight me. Because when I really just let myself and my agenda go and am present in playing with my children with my mind and body, then I am happy to make a Ninja Turtle on a motorcycle crash into Batman on a motorcycle over and over again because I see the joy it brings my son. He is delighted, so I am delighted.

Today I will make progress on my to-do list. I will get laundry done. I will make dinner. I will make sure that the big kid gets to and from preschool on time. I will be a Martha managing my household and family. But I will also work to be a Mary and make sure that I stop to just sit and play with my children. 

I have learned this in my spiritual life (though I am FAR from perfect!). I make time to stop and hang out with God in the mornings (unless my kids are sick and up all hours then I find Him in other ways throughout the day). I need that time with my Father. My kids need that time with their mother. 

I will work to find the best balance I can between Martha and Mary. Some days I may be more one than the other in the natural ebb and flow of life, but I will plod forward doing my best.

The words we say and attitudes we hold influence our children so much!

Each week my son goes to a ninja class where he learns tumbling and parkour (think “American Ninja Warrior” for little ones). He loves it! Last week, his class with filled with all boys who were age 5 to 7. They jumped and tumbled and ran. During one of their water breaks, I heard another little boy talking with his family. He said he was tired.

The kids had just finished jumping and running over and over, so it was tiring. He wasn’t whining. The grandpa leaned over to the child, pointed to the all-female competitive cheerleading team practicing on the next mat over and asked his grandson if he wanted to go to the girls. When he said no, then the grandpa advised him to stop complaining or he’d have to.

Undermining the value of women

I bristled. It bothered me. The message he just sent his grandson is that those girls aren’t as valuable. He told his grandson that going to a group of girls is a punishment. He told his granddaughter, who was sitting right beside him, that boys only do something girls do as punishment. Boys are better. Even crazier to me is those girls were older than his grandson and a heck of a lot better at their skills of tumbling. The grandpa was undermining the value of women.

OK. So it might sound like I’m over-reacting. I don’t want to rant and rave. But, as the mother of a boy, I want to be conscious of what I’m teaching him through my attitudes and words. As the mother of a girl, I want to be conscious of what I’m teaching her through my attitudes and words.

I don’t appreciate the idea that for a boy to go into a girls’ class is punishment. And I wouldn’t appreciate it in reverse either. I am aware there are differences between boys and girls and men and women. We tend to have different strengths and such, but that doesn’t make either gender less than the other. I never want my daughter to feel she is less than a boy just because she’s a girl. I never want my son to feel superior to a girl just because he’s a boy.

What was very interesting to me is that very evening on the way home from his ninja class, my son and I had a discussion right along these lines. He wanted to know if Adam and Eve had only sons, because he’s didn’t hear about their daughters.

I explained to him that through the years, as men wrote down history, including the Bible, they didn’t take women and children into account because they didn’t think they were important. We talked about how Jesus fed the 5,000, but that 5,000 was only the number of men. He actually fed way more than 5,000. My son was incredulous that they didn’t care about women and children. How could they not, he wondered.

God’s plan for the value of women

My best answer was unfortunately that’s just how it was. I did tell him God didn’t plan it that way from the beginning. Yes, He made Adam first, but that doesn’t mean that Eve wasn’t just as important. I reminded my son that God loves all of us the same, and seeing any one of His children being treated poorly based on gender or skin color must make Him sad.

I didn’t bring up this topic. But, I did find it quite timely that my son did. He didn’t hear the grandfather’s words. I didn’t say a word about it to him. In fact, I didn’t even share it with anyone aside from a friend I met for breakfast the next morning. However, the two conversations go side-by-side.

The power of our attitudes

The grandfather didn’t tell his grandson that he was superior and girls don’t matter or aren’t as important in those exact words. Not many people would say that, especially these days.

But his attitude showed a different picture. His attitude showed that he clearly thinks women are less-than, weaker, whinier and wimpier than boys. And THAT message offends me for myself, my daughter and my son. I don’t want to raise a boy to be a man with that attitude. His father doesn’t have that attitude. His Heavenly Father certainly doesn’t have that attitude.

The words we say hold so very much power. We live in a world of political correctness where people are often chastised for the words they use, sometimes to the point of what seems ridiculous. I understand that maybe we get tired of posts just like this one. Tirades exhaust us, and we roll our eyes at what seems an over-reaction.

But until these kinds of attitudes stop and aren’t accepted, they must continue. I will stop myself from getting off on a tangent about how women are treated and perceived inside the church. In fact, I’d daresay many churches are the greatest offenders of gender equality. I want to focus instead on thinking about the hidden messages in the words we say to our children. They are soaking every last one of them up.

That little boy didn’t go home last week thinking he was better than girls directly. He did go home having absorbed some of his grandpa’s attitude about the value of women. If he is given that attitude enough times, it will fully soak in and shape his views. That is what we must do our best to change and do better than generations before us. We’ve made progress, but so much more progress needs to be made. The message we are giving our sons (and daughters!) shouldn’t be one of superiority over any one for any reason.

Ideas for quality one-on-one time

A study in March 2015 showed that parents are spending more time with their children now than ever before. In fact, the amount of time we’re spending with our kids keeps increasing. But, if you talk to most parents they don’t feel like they are actually spending enough one-on-one time with their kids. I’d guess that’s because the research is looking at quantity of time more than quality of time.

It’s a struggle that my family faces. Both of our kids are in school now. With a third grader and kindergartener, we are careful of monitoring their after-school activities so we don’t get too busy. Each of them are allowed to pick one extracurricular activity that goes for the entire school year. We recently agreed to let them both participate in a school play knowing that it would increase their activities for a couple of months, especially for our daughter who, as a third grader, has a larger part than her kindergarten brother.

Once you add in things like homework, making dinner, making lunches and cleaning up from everything, our evenings are pretty full even when the kids don’t have any activities. We are together and have family dinner almost every night. We chat around the dinner table, which is something my husband and I set as a priority when we first became parents. But when it comes to actually having one-on-one time with our children, we have to be more intentional.

One-on-one time is so important for our kiddos. I can literally see the difference in my children’s attitudes and mannerisms when they learn that they get one-on-one time. They perk up. It doesn’t take a long time or something complicated to make a difference. It just takes a bit of planning and undivided attention (no cell phone!).

1. Share a meal.

I can almost bond over food with anyone. I love food! But, this is true with my kiddos. I love getting a chance to eat with just one kiddo at a time. We’ve done this both as one-on-one time with each other individually and also as one-on-two time with both my husband and me but only one kiddo.

Right now in being busier, we actually are able to accomplish this one more. One night this week, for example, my daughter had play practice until 6 and had to be at gymnastics at 7. My son had to be at his Ninja Zone class at 6:30. My husband and I divided and conquered. He took my daughter and had dinner at Subway in between activities. I had my son who wanted frozen pizza at home before his class. It was a great opportunity to connect with our kids individually.

Another way I’ve found this works well is going into have lunch with them at school. My kids’ school is open to having parents come in for lunch whenever they’d like to as long as we sign in. My son’s lunch ends right as my daughter’s is beginning. And there are special tables just outside the cafeteria we can sit at, which really does give us a chance to connect one-on-one. I also really enjoy seeing them in their element at school and interacting with their friends. I also keep it simple and usually just have them eat their lunch that I packed for them.

For the one-on-two dates, we have even left one kiddo with a babysitter and gone out. A babysitter for us means grandparents because we are fortunate to have both my parents and my in-laws living within 10 minutes of us. But, even with grandparent time, our kids still make us promise that they’ll each get a turn to go out with us one-on-two. They enjoy having our undivided attention.

2. Take advantage of time in the car.

That scenario above where the kids have classes within a half hour of each other happens every week. My son’s Ninja Zone class is 6:30 to 7:30 p.m. and my daughter’s gymnastics class is 7 to 8 p.m. Both classes are in different buildings about 10 minutes away from each other. So my husband and I split up to take them. We alternate who goes with whom so we have a chance to see each of them do their thing.

I’ve had some great conversations with both of them on the way to and from classes. Sometimes they share more about what’s going on with them at school. Sometimes they tell me something they’ve been worried about. And sometimes, especially with my son, they tell me about all the plans they’re making. (I call my 6-year-old son “my little man with a plan,” because has a plan and explanation for everything, even if he’s taking creative license with it!)

3. Go on dates.

We get to have dates every so often around here with our kiddos. For the past two years, a local community organization hosts a daddy/daughter dance in the fall. My husband takes my daughter and they always have a great time together. My son and I plan our own date during that time. In fact, I wrote about our most recent back in October. We don’t have to do something extravagant. My son really just wanted to go to the playground and out for ice-cream. But we have fun and get to connect in a different way. We get to chat about what’s going on with them and we try to make sure that we are doing something they are interested in and want to do, which is also incredibly important.

4. Take turns playing.

Our kiddos love for my husband and I to play with them. Now that they are both in school and have more going on, we don’t get to play nearly as often as we once did back when they were itty-bitties. But something we started back then has continued until now and is still one of their favorite things: one-on-one play time. We set a timer and spend time with each kid playing whatever they want to play and then switch.

My kids love this so much that it was their only requested activity over winter break when I asked them what they wanted to do during their time off from school. Even just a half hour each is enough and they love it. My husband and I do, too.

5. Go shopping together.

You don’t have to love shopping for this one to work, because I certainly don’t love shopping! I’ve enjoyed numerous shopping trips with one kiddo at a time picking out presents for the other or even just shopping for clothes. There’s something special about being out with just one kiddo at a time for both them and me. A couple of weeks ago, my son and I went to Target to have him try on jeans. It was sort of laborious and shouldn’t have been fun, yet we had a good time together anyway.

My son’s birthday is next week. Boy that comes quick! We’ve been doing some birthday planning around here. I try to work ahead with my kiddos and ask them a month or two ahead of time what theme they have in mind (both have picked themes previously that didn’t have party supplies made commercially and required me to get creative). That also gives us time to talk about and fine-tune the theme to make sure it’s practical and do-able as well!

We have some of our own birthday traditions our whole family really does enjoy. Along the way of having kiddos and planning parties, I’ve learned a few things that work well and figured I’d share them with you, because we’re in this together!

My overall birthday party philosophy is to make sure I plan a party my kids and their friends will enjoy. I have found numerous decor ideas and snack table ideas and so forth on Pinterest that I know kids won’t really care about. I don’t care if I impress the other moms who come to my kids’ parties. I care if my kids and their friends have fun! This perspective helps me remember what matters most (my kiddo feeling special and having fun on his or her birthday) and reduces my stress level and pressure I feel to create a perfect party with lots of small details.

Think about your budget.
This is pretty much where everything always starts, isn’t it? You’ve got to know how much money you are comfortable spending in order to plan well. Personally, I tend to stick with a lower budget because it just makes sense to me for a kid’s party and there’s so much you can do without breaking the bank. Consider costs for the location, food, paper products and treat bags.

Figure out your space.
Obviously you’ve got to have somewhere to have the party. For me, not having it at home is the very best plan. Having it at home adds lots more stress for me. I’m not sure that’s true for everyone, but I’m guessing it’s true for most of us. So figure out where you’re going to have the party. Go back to your budget and decide if you want to pay for a venue and if so what might work with your budget as well as how much space you need and how many people you want to include.

For the first friend party we threw for our daughter, we went to a local bowling alley. It was fun for her but it also meant that we had to keep the guest list smaller and that we weren’t able to have ice-cream because they didn’t have a freezer. But on the other hand we didn’t have to have plan any activities (because bowling!). Since then we have opted to have our parties in our church gymnasium. It’s been a great fit for us because there is lots of space inside, great parking outside and a kitchen we can use.

Decide on your guest list.
Before you mention it to your kiddo, think first about your budget and where you are planning to have the party. Are you having it at a venue that offers a limited number of spaces for kids parties? Are you having it at home and only have room for a few kids? Are you having it somewhere that you can invite as many kids as your child wants? Once you have an idea of about how many kids you are thinking to have, start talking to your child about it. I have done both options of giving my kids a specific number that we have to stay with and just asking them who all they want to include. It totally depends on your situation. Now that we use the gym at church, I don’t give them a set number, but we do pay attention to who they want to invite.

I try to encourage them to include friends they spend time with and enjoy. I’m less inclined to invite the entire class. I like the kiddos to pick kids they will play with, interact with and have fun with. Of course, I’m also an introvert, so I tend to think smaller gatherings are better anyway. That may be just the opposite for you and your family and that’s totally fine! You just need to know up front.

Get out invitations at least two weeks before the party.
I think the earlier invitations go out, the better. If you can get them out a month ahead of time, go for it! I have done invitations three different ways. For my daughter’s first friend party, I sent them out via email with a Google form to RSVP. That wasn’t as successful.

Facebook has worked well for some party invitations. I have done that more for my daughter because she has been with the same basic group of kids since kindergarten. And now that she’s in third grade, I am either friends with their parents on Facebook or can easily find them. So I just make a Facebook event and invite people that way.

Paper invitations also work. In fact, for my son’s party I went the paper route. You can buy invitations and fill them out or make your own and print them. I printed ours. Be sure you don’t forget information and include the date, time, location (with address) and contact information for RSVPing (I usually do my cell phone number and email address). I have also included before whether parents were welcome to drop off and leave the kiddos or if they needed to know anything else. For example, when my daughter had an art party a couple of years ago, I noted on the invitation that they might want to wear something that would be OK to get washable art supplies on.

Decide on activities.
We have a pretty set format for our parties. One of the popular stations that works no matter what the party theme is a coloring table. I print out some coloring sheets are geared toward the theme and put out some crayons. When the kids come in, they immediately have something they can do. Good to see you! Want to color? I leave it set up throughout the party so that if kids want to go back to their coloring they have that option.

I try to plan about two organized activities or games thinking about the age range of kids I have. My daughter (for whom we’ve had the most friend parties because she is older) tends to like activities more than games, but we have done both. For her art party, we had craft stations. For her baby doll party, we basically played lots of pretend and asked the guests to bring a doll or stuffed animal and they could do different things like a diaper toss game but also sit at a table with doll food and feed their “babies.” This past year, she wanted a Barbie and beauty theme, so we had nail painting and lip gloss making.

My son, on the other hand, is younger and more active. He likes games. We have done a version of pin the tail on the donkey that was pin the fire on the dragon for his dragon-themed party. At the same party, the kids swung at a dragon pinata with a toy sword to slay it. I try to keep it simple. But, I do find that having one or two organized activities helps keep the kids engaged and having fun.

Once you’ve decided what to do, then decide your order. We typically do games and activities first, which take about an hour. Then we have snacks for about 30 minutes before finishing the final 30 minutes with opening gifts.

Don’t forget food!
Of course you need food at a party. I usually plan my parties for 2 to 4 p.m. so we can offer snacks but don’t have to serve a meal. This is my plan for two reasons. First, my own kids don’t like stopping their playing and fun for eating all that much. So they want things quick and easy rather than having to sit longer and eat a meal. Second, it’s cheaper.

The biggest thing I do with food is make sure it is what the birthday kid likes. My daughter — bless her heart — doesn’t like cake or icing very much. (I’m still trying to figure out how she belongs to me!) So we don’t have cake. The last two years we had doughnuts instead. (I got all the same yeast doughnuts and then got her a bigger one to put a candle in.) One year we did an ice-cream sundae bar.

My son, on the other hand, loves cake. I usually bake the cake for him because I love baking and it does save funds. Cupcakes are my go-to for kid parties because they are easier to serve. I usually do chocolate and vanilla cupcakes with vanilla icing. They look fancy if you use an icing bag and just plop it on top with a tip so it kind of swirls, but you can totally just use a butter knife or spatula and smear it on. I also like the individual ice-cream cups to serve the ice-cream instead of having to scoop it out. But, you can definitely scoop it out as needed or into small plastic cups or bowls ahead of time.

Along with the sweets, I offer other kid-friendly food. Goldfish are always popular. Sometimes I do pretzels, too. For my daughter’s party we also had cheesy puffcorn and it was a huge hit. I try to offer a fruit of some sort as well like grapes or strawberries. My husband and I station ourselves at the food table when it’s time for snacks and help the kids make their plates, especially at younger ages. We also simplify where we can. Like for my son’s party last year, we used punch cups and filled them with some pretzels and Goldfish so the kids could just grab a cup of them instead of having to scoop them out.

For drinks, we keep it simple and usually have a pitcher of lemonade (with back-up to refill the pitcher) and a jug of water. For my daughter’s baby doll party I did make punch and floated some brand-new, clean rubber ducks in it, though.

Decorations don’t have to be elaborate to be fun.
Some moms are super great at decorating and crafting. I am not one of them. While I can easily make the cupcakes because I love baking, I can’t easily make lots of decorations. Maybe you’re the opposite. If so, go with what works for you. Almost always it’s easier on the budget if you can make something versus purchase it.

My decoration plan is simple. I buy a plastic table cloth for the food table that matches the theme or colors. I buy the matching plates and napkins and cups of a similar color. I buy a birthday banner that matches the theme and hang it. Sometimes I use crepe paper and balloons we blow up ourselves for the door leading into the gym so people know where to go. I will say that I’m not a mom who lets the kids play with balloons because I have crazy balloon anxiety and can’t handle it. Otherwise, we usually end up making some decorations to hang up that are coloring pages for the theme that we color and glue to construction paper. The kids like being involved with this and it’s fun to see their artwork on display.

Plan for some extras.
Once I’ve made the list of kids to invite, I tally our numbers, including siblings for families we know. For example, when we invite children from church, we usually know the entire family and expect all the children will come. When we invite children from school, we know they may or may not bring a sibling along. So I always make sure to plan for a few extras, because if someone brings a sibling or a cousin visiting for the weekend or whatever, I don’t want them to feel left out when it comes to treat bags or activities. I also make sure to have an idea in my head of how many parents may be there and plan enough food to make sure everyone can have snacks.

I like to fill treat bags with stuff I know my kids would like and actually use. I try to stay away from all candy, because I don’t like all-candy treat bags for my own kids. I like things like stickers, notebooks, temporary tattoos, fun erasers, pencils and small toys. I do usually include a couple of small pieces of candy as well. I look for things I could say yes to my kids eating one or two of after going to a party and eating sweets there.

Make sure you have enough help.
As you assess your venue, number of children, activities and food, think about how much help you’ll need. While my husband and I work well together and get things covered, I’ve found that having my parents come along as well is incredibly helpful. For my daughter’s party last fall, for example, I ran out of time to clean and cut the strawberries, so my mom did that while I set up the party. She also helped with nail painting while I manned the lip gloss making table. Sometimes asking extended family or friends to come along and help makes life so much easier.

Assign someone to take photos.
Who doesn’t want lots of photos of their kids’ birthdays?! With the digital age we don’t have to worry about going through too much film either. Sometimes I use my cell phone, but for their parties I tend to take our digital camera instead. Either way, though, I ask someone else to take some photos. My parents are helpful with that. I want photos, but I can be so busy helping the kids through games, activities, snacks and opening gifts that I don’t get a chance to take many. Having someone else do that for me has been invaluable. With that said, think about what kind of photos you want to have. I always like one of the kids by the birthday banner before everyone arrives. I usually try and take photos of the decorations that way as well. And, of course, I want photos with the candles on the cake (or doughnut!) and while they’re opening gifts. I also like to get a photo of all the kids together. Usually I bribe them and do this after activities, but before snacks so I can say something like, “If you want cake, come over here for a photo first.” Ha! It works!

5 ways to create successful routines

Studies abound about the benefits kids glean from having predictable routines at various ages. For example, a 2016 study from The Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology found that people who had predictable routines in childhood were more likely to have better time management skills and attention spans in adulthood.

Another study back in 2014 in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics found that preschoolers who had routines including things like singing, reading, playing and eating dinner with their families were emotionally healthier. And a study last year in BMC Public Health concluded that bedtime routines are associated with children’s wellbeing.

The studies continue on and on from researchers who specialize in such things. I can just tell you that as a mom, I’ve found routines to be invaluable to our family’s happiness. My kids thrive when they know what to expect and how things will go. I think we all end up happier and even getting better rest with maintaining a few routines.

1. Keep it simple.

When it comes to routines, the simpler the better because that makes them easier to maintain. During my daughter’s toddler days as we were really getting settled into a bedtime routine, my husband and I talked about what we wanted to do each night and how to keep it simple. We opted not to include a bath in our nightly routine because giving a bath every single night just wasn’t going to happen.

So we decided on prayer, a book, two songs and then being tucked in. Nine years later that routine is almost exactly the same. We don’t do the songs any longer, but we pray, read and tuck in every single night.

This has varied a bit through the years as the kids have grown. When they had different bedtimes and were farther apart cognitively, we did things differently. They each had their own version of this bedtime routine.

Since moving into our new house, we have shifted so that both kids do their bedtime hygiene routines and then head to a bedroom where they both pray, we read a book out loud (usually a chapter of a book these days) and we exchange hugs and kisses all around.

2. Be purposeful.

Don’t create a routine just for the sake of creating one. Our bedtime routine, for example, helps our kids wind down each evening because they know what’s coming and it’s how they’ve always gone to bed.

Other routines are more out of necessity. Like school mornings mean I wake up the kids and they go to the bathroom, get dressed and style their hair before coming to breakfast. The night before, I lay out clothes for them (complete with undies and socks) so there is no scrambling around in the morning trying to decide what to wear.

Everything has a purpose. They get dressed first because they can take their breakfast in the car if they have to but they can’t change clothes in the car on the way to school. It also gives me time to make their breakfast while they are doing their tasks. And every morning they know what to expect so our mornings are pretty calm.

3. Be consistent.

This sounds obvious, but in order for a routine to work and stick, you have to be consistent. While research can’t completely agree on how long it takes to form a habit (anywhere from 7 to 66 days!), it does take time. And that means you have to be consistent even when you don’t feel like it.

Our bedtime routine, for example, took us working at it every single night to make it happen. I won’t even pretend that it always runs smoothly even now, because kids are kids and get distracted. Just the other night I had to tell my son to stop foot attacking his sister and brush his teeth because the kiddos were goofing off a bit.

BUT, they were still sticking with routine. He had his toothbrush in his hand as did she. That also means that when I don’t feel like following through with what my kids expect then I need to.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule. Life happens. People get sick. Schedules get changed. But be consistent as possible and routines will get ingrained, stick around and be effective.

4. Communicate.

I’m not sure I can think of a family topic that doesn’t include communication. Communication is so incredibly important. It is important when setting and sticking to routines as well.

For example, my husband and I have discussed what some of our routines will be. We’ve discussed what will work for bedtime or getting ready in the mornings. We’ve made plans of action together so that we are on the same page.

When the routine changes up, like our one night of the week that the kids have gymnastics and ninja class, we make sure to remind the kids of it. We tell them how and why things will be different and what to expect. So even if our routine switches up they know what to expect and handle it much better as a result.

5. Change what doesn’t work.

Sometimes you start a routine and even if you’ve been purposeful, communicated about it and stuck with it, it just isn’t working. Don’t stick with it just to stick with it. Adjust it to make it work.

We recently changed up a bit of our bedtime routine to move from our room to our son’s room to see if it will help him settle into bed a bit easier. (The verdict still isn’t in on that one, but we will continue to tweak as needed.) Life changes, kids and their needs change, so sometimes routines need to change and adjust as well.

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Sometimes I balk at traditions. I’m not a fan of doing things just because that’s the way we’ve always done them even though it doesn’t make sense and nobody is happy about it. But, I love traditions that are simple and enjoyable. This is never more evident than through the Christmas season. And simple is needed most this time of year since there are so many other demands placed on our time like shopping, wrapping, kids’ programs, family gatherings, school parties and baking.

This will be my 10th Christmas as a mom. These Christmas traditions have evolved through the years. Just like the birthday traditions I told you about, these are simple, fun and build great memories.

Countdown to Christmas

Though my 9-year-old understands the concept of time now, my 5-year-old doesn’t as much. He’s good with smaller amounts of time, but knowing how many days are left before Christmas is helpful for him. Plus it’s just fun to keep track together.

I have a FREE Countdown to Christmas printable that my own family uses. For each day of the month, you can put a sticker over the number or X out the number — whatever you prefer. My kiddos love stickers, so we are going the sticker route. Each number is star shaped, so hitting up the Dollar Tree for some star stickers works super well for this.

We usually do our countdown in the evening after dinner but before bedtime. We alternate which kiddo puts on the sticker each night, and then on the 25th they put it on together.

Wrapped Christmas books

This is another Christmas tradition we started early on and LOVE around my house. We love books, and we really love to unwrap gifts. Thanks to programs like Scholastic book club, gifts from family and my own finds, we have enough Christmas books to last us from December 1 through 24. Now we have a few extras, but in the early days, I also included some general winter books as well. You can even use library books as long as you keep track of which are library books and need to be returned.

The week before December starts, I pull out our Christmas books and get 24 of them wrapped. It works perfectly if you have an even number of kids so they can rotate through who opens a book each night, because everyone wants to open them!

It also is great for toddlers who really want to open wrapped presents they see appearing under the Christmas tree or other places. They get a chance to open a gift! This is one we do near bedtime since we then read the book for bedtime. We combine this Christmas tradition with the next one, so each book has a Bible verse attached to it. 

Daily Bible verses

For us this works well paired with the books. I print out and cut into squares Bible verses that take us through the Christmas story, which I have for you as a FREE Advent Verses for Children printable. I fold and number each one and attach it to a book. Then the kids find the right number for the right day to open.

What I love most about this is that it makes sure every day we are taking at least a couple of minutes to talk about the real reason for the Christmas season. And each evening, before we read the verse, we review what has happened in the story up until that point. It is a great way to reiterate or teach the Christmas story to kiddos.

If you don’t do the books, you can just go through the verses on the page and mark them out as you read them. You could even cut them into squares and put them in an Advent calendar you already have. Do whatever works best for your family!

Radio ornament

Back in 2012 my parents got us this cool North Pole Countdown Christmas ornament from Hallmark. Each day starting December 1, you turn the radio dial to hear a 60-second update from the North Pole. It’s cute, funny and clever. The kids enjoy it, so we do that usually when we do the other Christmas activities, but sometimes we do it in the morning. It just depends on the day.

Christmas light tour

I love seeing Christmas lights decorating houses and so do my kiddos. As a kid, my parents would drive around and show us Christmas lights throughout the city. Even once I was an adult, my mom and I continued doing that and often included my grandmas as well. Now that I have kids, we definitely keep up this Christmas tradition. Usually we do this a couple of times throughout the Christmas season.

We will go to the more formal, organized displays and we will also just drive around places we’ve heard about where people have decorated their houses well.

For us, we keep it simple and just do it whenever we have a chance. I know some families do things like go in their PJs while sipping Thermoses of hot chocolate. That’s totally fine, too. That just doesn’t seem to work out for us (plus I’m the only member of my family who really likes hot chocolate!).

Cookie decorating party

I am the cookie baker in my family and have been since high school. I love making Christmas cookies. When my daughter was 3, I decided it would be fun to involve our families in decorating cookies with us. So one evening near Christmas, I invite over my parents and my in-laws, and we decorate sugar cookies with colored icing, candy and sprinkles. The last couple of years I’ve only made two or three dozen sugar cookies, so it doesn’t take us long. The kids have fun and our families enjoy visiting. We usually order pizza for dinner and make an evening of it.

And if you’re not a cookie baker or don’t have time, buy pre-made sugar cookie dough and roll out some shapes. You could even just make all circles to decorate with store-bought icing. It doesn’t have to be complicated to be fun!

Cookie breakfast

Like I said, I’m the cookie baker in the family. One of my favorite things to do has been on Christmas Eve morning to eat a couple of those homemade cookies for breakfast with a nice, cold glass of milk in my living room with only the Christmas tree lights on.

Once my kids were old enough, they joined me in this Christmas tradition. In fact, I didn’t give it all that much thought until my daughter was 5 or 6 and brought it up to me at the beginning of December how much she looked forward to our cookie breakfast. It was one of her favorite things about Christmas. I’ve learned that the smallest traditions can bring us together and make the best memories; this is definitely one of those traditions!

Christmas Eve PJs

My kids like to open one gift on Christmas Eve. Usually we open gifts with their grandparents on Christmas Eve and save the gifts among the four of us for Christmas morning. Regardless, they still love getting to open a gift at home on Christmas Eve before we head out.

Since I have always loved having new pajamas for Christmas (and still do!), I combined the Christmas Eve gift with new PJs, so they open new PJs on Christmas Eve. They are old enough to be onto my ploy now, so sometimes they can also convince us to pick out one more gift to open as well. They don’t tend to be as excited for new PJs as I am!

Looking for more Christmas ideas? Check out these posts!

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Celebrate World Kindness Day from the inside out!

Happy World Kindness Day! Today is a day created to remind the world to be kind to each other. The focus is on making the world a better place through acts of kindness. I love that idea! It goes right along with my passion and Families with Grace. 

While you’re looking for and thinking about ways to be kind to those you encounter, don’t forget about the people you encounter most: your family! Sometimes being kind to those who live under the same roof as you can be harder and take more sacrifice.

For example, buying a coffee for the car behind you at the Starbucks drive-thru is kind, but it doesn’t require much time or effort. There is minimal sacrifice involved other than the few dollars extra that you pay. (And totally do something like this if you can; it really is a kind thing to do!)

But finding ways to be kind to our families can be a little more involved. My kids, for instance, wouldn’t think twice about me paying for their food or drinks because I always do since they are 5 and 9.

I’ve come up with some ideas for you to apply to your family for World Kindness Day — and the other 364 days of the year! Give them a try, let me know what you love and share some of your ideas as well.

1. Write a note.

Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, but I love a handwritten note. Even just a few sentences on a piece of paper that say how much you love and appreciate someone can make their day. Text messages or emails work, too, if that’s more your speed or works better for your family. 

2. Bake a favorite family treat.

I think my love language is food! LOL Seriously, though, there’s something about cooking or baking something special for those you love that is good for your soul. And they’ll love it, too!

Here are some yummy recipes you can try:
Fudgy brownies
Peanut butter cookies
Toffee cookies
Pumpkin bread
Oat and honey granola
4-ingredient whipped pudding pie
Peanut butter honey nut cereal clusters
Banana bread

3. Do someone else’s chore.

Our family is big on everyone has their own chores and is responsible for their own belongings. We’re trying to teach responsibility and all that jazz, but every so often taking someone else’s dishes to the sink for them or putting their dirty socks in the hamper is just plain kind and appreciated.

4. Go around the dinner table and share things you like about each other.

My family has done this randomly a couple of times. We’ve also done it on birthdays and focused on one person. Everyone loves to hear what other people like about them. Challenge your family to say three nice things about each family member that have to be more than their appearance. 

5. Ditch electronics, snuggle and chat.

What is kinder than giving someone your undivided attention? Even better, snuggle together on the couch and talk about your day. Try to do more listening than talking. The gift of being heard is priceless.

6. Banish complaints.

Decide to spend the entire day without complaining or grousing. Sometimes we get in the habit of seeing and talking about only negative things. Banish the negative and embrace the positive for a day. Your whole family can do it together or just you can do it. Either way, the shift in even one attitude can shift the attitude of the entire family.

7. Buy a small gift as a surprise.

Stop by the Dollar Tree for a small toy or trinket. Or stop by a gas station and pick up a favorite candy bar. You could even get a $5 gift card to a favorite fast food restaurant. Just find a little something your loved ones love and leave it somewhere for them to find like on their pillow, desk or usual end of the couch.

8. Join together to be kind.

Sometimes the best gift you can give your loved ones is the gift of learning to appreciate how good it feels to give. Talk about a family project you can undertake together to help someone else. Make a card together for an extended family member going through a hard time. Or go shopping for and deliver food to a local food pantry. Or bake cookies and take them to the local fire department.

9. Get crafty.

Homemade gifts can really be the best ones. I have always enjoyed cards and crafts my kids make me, but I’ll never forget how excited my daughter was when I made her a card to go with her small gift for preschool graduation because I’d forgotten to buy one. She thought it was so awesome that her mom sat down with construction paper and made one for her. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate craft (unless that’s your thing, then go for it!). Just a little something can go a long way.

10. Say thank you.

This seems too obvious, but I’m thinking of saying thank you for all the small things that we expect our families to do and don’t often comment on. Thank you husband for taking out the trash. Thank your kids for putting their clothes in the hamper. Everyone loves to be appreciated!

Never want to miss any Families with Grace content? Sign up for our mailing list and receive a FREE tip sheet on 10 ways you can start living as a family with grace right now! It’s chock-full of good, practical ideas to help bring peace to your home. Don’t miss out! Go here now!

Family game night ideas for readers and non-readers alike!

Affiliate links are used in this post, if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.

Family game night is one of our favorite activities around my house. Sometimes, however, it can be challenging to find games that all four of us like. Since our youngest kiddo is just in kindergarten and an early reader, we have to find games that don’t require much reading. Finding those games that are also fun for my husband and me along with our 9-year-old can be a challenge. While Candyland, for example, is a fun game with a little one, it quickly grows boring for older children and adults.

But we have found a few games that work well for all four of us. These are games that require either no reading or minimal reading and are actually fun. Even better, all of them are under $20! In fact, only two are above $10 and the last two are less than $5. Go ahead, pop some popcorn and prepare for a fun family game night for all ages!

Toilet Trouble

My son received this game from a friend for his 5th birthday. We weren’t sure if it would be too messy or what we would think about it, but my kids fell in love with it. In fact, when I told them I was writing about our favorite family games, this is the first one they both named! It’s a simple game where you spin a roll of toilet paper to see how many times you have to flush a toilet that is filled with water. At random times the flush will make water squirt out of the toilet, in which case the player is eliminated. The last player standing is the winner. It’s completely random and not skill based, so age and experience really don’t matter one bit.

I suggest keeping a dish towel on hand to wipe off the spills that happen sometimes as little ones excitedly pass the toilet back and forth and wipe faces when they get sprayed, but it isn’t too messy to play inside or even at a dining room table that has carpet underneath. Our whole family has enjoyed this game, including my parents who have played it with us as well. My mom got such a kick out of it with my kids that she purchased it for my brother’s kids, too!

Rory’s Story Cubes

This one is fun and simple. It could be played almost anywhere. In fact, this is one that we tend to play in the living room. Each player gets a couple of six-sided dice that have different images on each side. At the beginning of a round, everyone rolls their dice. The first person begins a story based around one of the images they rolled. We usually start with the youngest and then rotate who starts the story from there. Each person builds on the story based on their images on the dice. 

The nice thing with this game is that it’s fun (and can get silly!) but doesn’t have a winner. It’s a cooperative effort for the whole family. It’s one of those games where you never have to try and soothe the hurt feeling of a loser, because there are no losers!

Family Feud Strikeout Card Game

This is based off of the television show. This one works better if you have a few more players, but you can play it with four players. If it’s just the four of us, we play more often cooperatively. But when we played it with my parents a few months ago, we teamed up three to a team. It does require a bit of reading, but it wasn’t an issue to my son. Since we were on teams, we helped him with the words and then he was able to come up with some good answers for the questions.

Hungry, Hungry Hippos

This one is a classic, but it really is still a hit with my family. I will say that my husband and I tire of this one before the kids do, but we get in a few good rounds with it and play some variations sometimes. There is one yellow ball for the hippos to eat and the rest are red. One version is that whoever gets the yellow ball wins, but that doesn’t go over quite so well with my kiddos. We have modified it so that the yellow ball is just worth 2 points instead of one. We also take turns on who gets to say “Go!” on this one to help keep it fair.

Go Fish

While you can play Go Fish with a regular deck of cards, there are all sorts of variations that make it more fun for little ones. Years ago, we found a version that was dinosaurs that my kids have enjoyed, but there are so many versions for whatever your family enjoys!

For example, there is a sea life version, an educational learn the alphabet version, a safari animal version that includes instructions for Old Maid as well and even a Bible version!