Social media can be a breeding ground for mompetition and complaining

The average internet user spends about 2 hours and 22 minutes each day interacting with social media, according to a report on Digital Information World in January 2019. That equals equals 16 hours and 36 minutes each week and nearly 800 hours per year!

That’s a lot of time on social media. It’s definitely a newer frontier considering that Facebook wasn’t even created until 2004 (MySpace was created the year before). Twitter came along in 2006 and Instagram and Pinterest both debuted in 2010.

Social media and mompetition

While social media has a variety of pros and cons, one of the issues it’s definitely enhanced is mompetition — mom competition. When I was a kid back in the 1980s and 1990s, my mom’s biggest source of mompetition came primarily from the moms of other kids in our school.

Now, we moms compete with moms everywhere. We log onto Facebook and see how someone we’ve never met across the country has a toddler who can ride a unicycle while our toddler trips walking to her tricycle.

Or we fire up Instagram and see the happy beach family vacation a mom a state away is on while we blow up a small kiddie pool and wrangle arguing children who are trying to walk through the house dripping wet.

And don’t even get me started with Pinterest. I love Pinterest, but it can definitely be a huge pressure cooker for moms. You don’t have to be on it long to learn that every other mom on the planet has a picture perfect clean house that only takes 5 seconds a day to maintain and children who spend their summers doing intense housework, extensive schoolwork and hours of community service before spending only 15 minutes of screen time a week on educational apps.

Of course I’m exaggerating — a little. But, mompetition certainly has grown with the use of social media. Even if we spend much less time on social media than the average user, it’s easy to get sucked into the comparison game. It’s easy to feel mompetition. And it’s even easier to throw our own highlight reel up on social media and feed the fire.

Social media and complaining

Then there’s the other side of social media. There are the posts that are perpetually negative. There are the posts that poke fun at other parents or even children. Sarcasm is found in abundance on social media. Snarkiness abounds.

While I do appreciate jokes about the challenges of parenthood, some can go too far. They can keep us focusing on what’s hard about motherhood and not all the loads and loads of good stuff. They can make us feel irritated and frustrated instead of uplifted and encouraged.

The purpose of Families with Grace

And all of this is part of why I created Families with Grace. I want the FWG blog, social media outlets and general community to be a safe place to be honest about struggles. My goal is to be real. However, you also won’t find posts about how frustrating my children are or how much my husband annoys me.

Because while those feelings are real sometimes, they aren’t the feelings I have the vast majority of the time, and I don’t want to dwell on them. I also, though, don’t want to give the impression that I know everything and my family is perfect. I don’t want you to think that I always talk to my husband and children with grace and patience. I don’t. I fall short.

I do keep trying, though. That’s the journey I want us to take together. Let’s try together to be better and do better for our families — not just try impress one another. Let’s find ways to keep our priorities in the correct order: God, spouse, children.

Because no matter what someone posts on their highlight reel of social media, the real issue is whether they are doing their best for their family. If I try to deceive you into thinking my children, home, marriage and even Christian walk are perfect, I’m only fanning the flames of mompetition. I’m only working to make you feel worse.

If I try to commiserate with you about how awful everything is in my life, I’m only fanning the flames of griping. And I’m making you feel worse.

But if I share with you the lessons I’m learning through my mess and imperfections, then maybe you’ll remember that not all of us are perfect. Maybe then you’ll give yourself some grace and get some ideas for what could work in your own family. My prayer is that God will use some of my words to work in your heart.

Learning to be more like God

I love what I do. I love writing. I love being a mom. I love being a wife. I definitely love Jesus and His redeeming love. But, aside from Jesus, I don’t fully love all of those things all the time. I’m doing my best. When I fail and fall as I do, God gives me grace and pulls me up and dusts me off.

He doesn’t roll His eyes. He doesn’t post on Facebook about how annoying I am. (Can you imagine if God was on social media?!) God just loves me and gives me all the grace I need.

His example is I want to draw from in my own life as a wife and mom. That’s the image I want to portray in my life and on social media. Life isn’t perfect. It’s messy and scary. It’s beautiful and good. And it is so very much more than what shows up in our social media news feeds.

Join me on the journey to creating homes filled with grace, love and faith. Come along and learn from the mistakes I make and lessons I learn. I can’t promise you that I’ll be perfect, but I know the One who is. God never fails, He always loves and I want nothing more than to honor Him in my words whether they are coming out of my mouth, posted on my blog and typed into my social media accounts.

This post is part of Families with Grace’s Social Media Savvy series that covers a commonsense approach to handling social media as a parent. Check out these other posts from the series:

Joking about the incompetence of fathers is damaging our families

We’ve all seen the classic sitcom bit where the mom goes away for a couple of days and leaves the dad in charge. She comes home to chaos and a frazzled husband. That story line has also been used in commercials and all sorts of other ways.

The subliminal takeaway from those scenarios: dads just aren’t as competent as moms. They don’t cut it. And, eventually, they shouldn’t even try.

Complimenting dads for doing what they’re supposed to

We compliment dads for doing things like taking their children shopping or to school. My husband once got a compliment from a grandfather who had seen him taking our kids to school every morning. Why is it that dads doing what they’re supposed to be doing for their children is seen as so out of the ordinary?

I daresay it’s because of the message we get from media, and it’s time for that message to stop.

What dad should be doing

I grew up in a home where both my parents did household chores, especially once my mom started working outside of the home when my brother and I got older. Now both my parents are retired, and my dad continues to do things like vacuum the house and wash clothes.

I didn’t expect anything different when I got married. Then when our daughter was born in 2009, I didn’t even think to question whether my husband would be hands-on and involved with her. Why wouldn’t he? He’s her dad.

Old school attitudes about dads

But, that attitude isn’t always the case. I also very clearly remember an older relative advising a cousin who had just had a new baby not to leave the baby alone with her husband for a while because he was a man and wouldn’t know what to do.

The reality of modern dads

It’s just not true. My husband figured some things out about our babies before I did. He jumped in and changed diapers right from the beginning. We approached parenting just like we do life: as a team.

When my son was a newborn, my husband was driving 60 miles one-way to work every day. He’d stay up as late as he could to help me manage our unhappy little guy. (Our son didn’t sleep much at all for the first three months.) One night in my exhaustion, I went to change his diaper and found a note my husband had left for me reminding me to wake him up if I needed a break.

That’s far from incompetence. That’s a father. That’s love. And that’s what dads do — or should do. That’s part of a healthy family.

The effect on our families

Yet, we treat them like they don’t know what they’re doing with kids. We expect dads will fail and not do something as good as we do. We overly criticize them for doing things differently. We have to stop because that is only harming dads and our children as a result! We are damaging our families by not trusting dads to parent.

People usually live up to the expectations set for them. So if we are expecting dads to fail, eventually that’s what they’re going to do. Or at the very least, they will stop trying if every time they do something they get ridiculed or criticized.

Embracing the differences

Does my husband do things the same way I do? Nope. I usually pack the kids’ lunches during the school year, but sometimes he does instead. He doesn’t always use the containers I use, he cuts the sandwiches differently and sends more grapes than I do. But he is still making them a nutritious lunch. And it’s completely fine.

My husband plays with our kids differently as well. I’m thankful for that. We have different strengths and weaknesses and work together to raise our kiddos. It’s a team effort through and through. We need to recognize the important role that good fathers play.

Set the right expectations

We need to expect all fathers to step up to the plate and do what they’re supposed to be doing. I look around and see all sorts of good dads in my generation. My husband is awesome, but he’s also not alone. I see dads bringing their kids to birthday parties, playing with their kids on the playground and showing up to every school event.

Dads aren’t incompetent buffoons. We need to stop cracking jokes at their expense. We need to respect their role in child-rearing as much as we do mothers’ roles. We can compliment dads and moms alike for the good job their doing, but not just for the mere sake of showing up like they should be anyway.

My message to all the dads out there in the thick of it with their kids packing lunches, taking them to school and practices, figuring out how to put in ponytails and patiently going over sight words: keep up the good work! We know you’re not incompetent and will stop making jokes to the contrary.

Parenting with grace for who your kids are right now

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Last weekend, my in-laws had my kiddos over for the day. My husband and I did some work around the house. Then we went to a late-afternoon movie. My husband likes the John Wick movies. I don’t enjoy the violence in them, but I love movie popcorn, so I was convinced to go along.

As we were waiting for the movie to start, we heard parents with a toddler a couple of rows behind us. We talked about whether they had gone into the wrong theater and didn’t realize it. When they were still there through previews, which included a few for horror movies that had me looking away, we whispered to each other whether we should tell the manager. Because based on the previews alone they had to know they weren’t seeing a children’s movie.

We decided that since the movie is rated R and says you can’t go to see it without a parent’s permission, there wasn’t anything a manager could even do. The parents were clearly giving their child permission to be there even though the child wasn’t even old enough to need her own movie ticket.

Throughout the entire movie, until about 15 minutes before it ended, we heard this little girl. She wasn’t being disruptive, but she was being a typical 2- or 3-year-old who wanted to chat, play and not be in her seat. The mom finally took her out just before the movie ended.

I closed my eyes or looked away for a good portion of the movie. It bothered me all the more that a toddler was seeing these scenes and hearing some of the things being said. Part way through the movie, I whispered to my husband that I just wanted to go get the little girl and take her out to the hallway to play as I heard her parents continue to shush her and tell her to sit and be quiet. (It really couldn’t have been a good experience for any of them!)

I do my best to not judge other parents. I understand parents have different styles, personalities and parenting priorities. I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt and even assume they are doing the best they can, but this situation bothered me immensely. I’ve thought through various scenarios and can’t come up with one good reason to take a toddler to a rated R movie.

Toddlers are old enough to understand some of the world around them. I know the little girl was seeing and hearing what was on the screen because she commented on it a few times. Her mom thought it was funny when the little girl said that the preview for the movie “Chucky” looked like a scary version of “Toy Story.”

Unfortunately that wasn’t the only bad parenting experience I encountered recently. The next day at the grocery store, a mom walked by with a baby in her cart who was maybe 8 months old. He started to put his mouth on the side of the cart. She yelled at him and told him the cart had germs on it. She loudly told him to go ahead and pout all he wanted.

While she isn’t wrong in what she said, her approach was more suited for a toddler or preschooler than a baby. Her baby wasn’t old enough to understand what she meant. He was just scared because she was yelling at him in a complete over-reaction.

I completely admit I did judge these parents and fully say they are wrong for their actions. Both situations made me want to lecture the parents. I can perhaps give the mom in the grocery store a bit of leeway, because we all have bad moments. But both sets of parents need to hear this message: kids deserve to be kids.

I don’t mean that we let our children get away with anything they want to because they are kids. Heck, no! It’s our job to mold them and teach them. It’s our job to help them understand the world around them, their role in it and how to behave.

But, we also have to understand their capacity for behavior. For example, I don’t expect my 6-year-old to have the maturity of my 9-year-old. I also don’t expect my 9-year-old to have the maturity of a 13-year-old.

And with all of that in mind, we have to also realize that our kids won’t be the ages they are now forever, so making some sacrifices of your own needs and wants isn’t forever and is exactly what you should be doing.

For instance, I remember many times when my kids were younger that I planned things around their napping schedule, which wasn’t always convenient, because I knew they needed those naps and would feel better with them.

Or now they are school aged, I keep our weekly commitments to a minimum so they have time for homework and downtime before getting ready for and being in bed by 8 p.m.

Parenthood is work. It is understanding that someone else’s needs almost always have to come before yours. It’s making sacrifices to do what’s best for your child. Maybe that means you have to wait for a movie to come out to rent. Or that you bring along a blanket or buy a cart seat cover to protect your baby from germs. (I loved having a cart seat cover for my kids; it protected them from germs and had toys attached to keep them occupied.)

Our kids are only kids for a short while. We need to do our best to let them be kids. We need to do our best to embrace the phase they’re in and not expect more of them than they are able to give. We need to remember their ages. We need to let kids be kids.

My test with my own kids is thinking (not saying out loud!), “What are you a [insert their current age]-year-old?” Chances are really good the answer is yes! If this is behavior that is to be expected of a child that age, then our children deserve some grace.

They may need instruction. They may need discipline. But they also need grace, because they are learning and deserve the best that we can give them. They deserve a chance to be their age and not be expected to do things beyond their capabilities or handle situations beyond their understanding.

We have chosen to have these children, whether they were planned or not. And as such, we must be willing to do what is best for them, even when that means inconveniencing ourselves.

With just a bit of planning, summer break can be fun for you and your kids!

Somehow summer is suddenly upon us. Though the first day of summer is still about a month away as I type this, summer starts for me today. Today is my kiddos’ last day of school. At 3 p.m. today we are officially on summer break!

While I’m excited to have my kids home for summer break, I am also a bit overwhelmed by that somewhat. That’s especially true this summer when I am back to working from home more than I have been any other summer since becoming a mom. And that’s one reason I am working to be very intentional about our summer planning.

Once I had a kiddo in school full-time four years ago, I realized how quickly summer breaks go by. I realized how easy it was to have ideas of things we’d do in my head and never get around to doing them. And, in having a daughter who is 9, I also realize that this summer is literally the halfway point of her childhood summers. I don’t want to waste a minute or be busy wishing it away and missing out on the joy of summer with my children.

With all of that in mind, we are heading into summer with plans as usual. Here is what I’ve found works best for my family when it comes to summer planning.

1. Decide how many activities your kids can do for the summer.

We are intentional during the school year about how many activities our kids are allowed to participate in. Right now that number is one for them. If non-regular activities come up, then we talk about it and usually can work it in. There is usually a week my daughter does cheer camp after school with the high school cheerleaders. This school year there were also a couple of months of play practice for the school K-12 production.

Summer is very similar. I don’t limit them to one activity for summer break because most summer activities don’t last as long, but I do limit them. For example, both of the them wanted to attend art camp at school this summer. It’s only for four days in the week following the end of school. I agreed to that.

In addition to that weeklong art camp, they both get one more big activity for the summer. They’ve both picked swim lessons two nights a week in July.

And that will be more than enough. My kids are 6 and 9 this summer. They have the whole rest of their lives to be busy. We do our very best to keep our summers low-key.

2. Make a list of goals.

I am a list maker through and through. I love me a good list! So each year, we sit down as a family and make some lists for the summer. One of them is a list of goals. What things do we want to accomplish or learn over summer break?

For example, this year my daughter wants to learn how to cook more. My son wants to learn how to tie shoes. My daughter and husband want to learn more Spanish. My son wants to learn how to ride without training wheels. I want to get some more organizing done around home.

We type them up and put them on the side of the fridge. Another bonus to having goals for the summer is that when the kids are bored or looking for things to do, we can always point them to their goals and give them suggestions to work on them.

3. Make a list of people to visit.

Part of summer fun is getting to have more time with friends and family, which includes extended family. While we are blessed to have both my parents and my husband’s parents living within 10 minutes of us, we still are intentional about grandparent time in the summer. The kids loving spending the night with grandparents whenever they can.

A few summers ago, my in-laws started a summer break tradition where they take each child individually for 5 days and then have them both together for 5 days.

My kids LOVE this tradition. They get one-on-one time with their Nana and Papaw and one-on-one time with their dad and me while their sibling is with Nana and Papaw. It works out so well. We usually plan a fun outing for whichever kid we have like pottery painting or a visit to Chuck E. Cheese’s.

Then when both kids are at Nana and Papaw’s, my husband and I get a chance to do home projects and such.

In addition to grandparent time, we make a list of friends we want to try and connect with over the summer. It helps me know who my kids are wanting to get together with and prioritize that. Honestly, it helps remind me to plan time with friends because I’m not always so great at doing so otherwise!

4. Make a list of fun activities to do.

Our final summer list that gets printed and put on the fridge is a list of fun activities we want to do. Some of them are simple like having one-on-one play time with each parent. (We divide and each spend 30 minutes or an hour playing with each child and then switch. It is hands-down the most requested activity our kids have every single break.) Some are more involved like going tent camping.

This year we even talked about making a list of movies we want to watch since we were talking about books we’ve recently read that have movies to go along with them like “Tuck Everlasting” and “Charlotte’s Web.”

Having a list of fun activities helps me make sure I’m prioritizing what my kids think is fun for summer break and gives me a go-to when I need an idea for something for us to do.

5. Find all sorts of free activities.

Summertime brings so many free activities that my kids love. Every Friday our city has free brown bag lunch concerts outside. There are innumerable fun summer reading programs we can attend. (Check out my list of more than 100 book ideas for summer reading!)

While we LOVE the library and summer reading program, the actual programs offered throughout the summer don’t require you to be registered and are usually good. Our library has an animal show each summer that we really enjoy.

And, of course, there are also parks for fun. There is something fun about packing a lunch and eating at a picnic table then playing at the park. Even I think peanut butter and jelly sandwiches taste better that way! Look for free splash pads as well for hot summer days.

6. Have an electronics plan.

I don’t want my kids to spend all summer on a screen. And, thankfully, they aren’t interested in that either. While you can have very detailed plans for electronics, we tend to have a laidback plan. But, we do have a plan or else it would be easy to send them off with their tablets any time I needed to get something done without being interrupted!

My kids don’t have to complete certain tasks or chores in order to get screen time — most days. But they do have to ask permission from either my husband or me in order to have screen time. Some days they may get more screen time if it’s crazy hot or raining. Or some days they may get no screen time because we have plans or they just need to find something else to do.

The only exception is that most summer mornings, I don’t mind for them to each watch a 20-minute approved show on the television while eating breakfast. It is nice to have laidback mornings in the summer!

7. Keep fun supplies handy.

Kids often forget about things that are out of sight. So, I make sure the things they want to play with often are easy to get to or where they’ll use it. Their bikes are in an easy location for them in the garage with their helmets on the handlebars. Sidewalk chalk is near the back door they most often use. Markers, coloring pages and crayons are in a drawer they can easily get to. Those ideas at least give me (and them!) starting points for what to suggest when they are bored, which inevitably comes up over summer break.

8. Have easy snacks ready.

Though they only eat three meals and maybe one snack during school days, summer break tends to make them want to graze. And since my kids are usually more active in summer, I get it. They’re old enough now that they can usually fix their own snack if I keep things on hand for them. So, I keep things around that I can say yes to most of the time like Gogurt (frozen is super great for the summer!), boxes of raisins, 4-pack peanut butter crackers, Goldfish, pretzels, easy fruit I can prep ahead (grapes, blueberries, bananas, etc.), applesauce pouches, fruit cups and granola bars.

Just like with screen time, my kiddos have to ask before they get a snack. And usually it has to meet mom’s approval. They know what snacks I will say yes to and what I will usually say no to. Sometimes, of course, I say yes to fun treats because it’s just fun for all of us! I have some 90-calorie mini ice-cream sandwiches that have made for some fun treats recently.

9. Let them know what to expect each day.

Thanks to having chronic health issues, I learned pretty early on not to tell my kids about big plans for a day until I knew for sure it was going to happen. I’ve had times where I couldn’t even predict whether I’d be up for a trip to the park until the day of. They were much happier to have a surprise than to have a disappointment. (Duh!)

I also learned pretty early on that my kids do best when they know what to expect. While we do maintain our routine somewhat over the summer, it is definitely more laidback and less scheduled. Every morning, I try to go over with the kids a brief outline of what’s happening that day. It can be as simple as, “We’re going to the grocery store this afternoon.” Their favorite tends to be: “We don’t have anywhere to go today!”

No matter what, they like knowing what the day holds and I do, too. Of course plans change sometimes, but setting their expectations for the day helps. That’s especially true when I do have an errand or chore that needs done and I can tell them that but also tell them something fun going on that day, too, even if it’s just they’ll be home to play for 4 hours straight or we’ll watch a movie in the evening.

10. Keep your priorities in check.

I’ve got to end with this one. We only have about 18 summers with our children — and even fewer than that with them when they are old enough to do things but not old enough to have their own schedules and agendas. Summertime with my kids is limited and precious!

When I keep that in mind, I can better prioritize the things we can do to make memories as a family. My kids love big things. We went to Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando over spring break and they had a great time. But a lot of smaller, little moments are what really make the best memories. So sometimes I let housework slide. Sometimes I get up at 6 a.m. to get some work done before they are up for the day. And I try to just enjoy my moments with my kids over the summer.

We have peanut butter sandwiches for dinner then go to our favorite fro-yo place. We spend an afternoon swimming. We take off and go to the movies in the middle of a weekday. We snuggle together and read. We play games. We play with toys. We just have time together.

I know that I will never regret the time I spent with my children but I might regret doing other things instead. So, I do my very best to carve out time over summer break that is just for fun for us.

Looking for more summer family fun ideas? Check out these posts:

• Summer fun ideas for families: 70 Summer activities to do at home
• Summer planning tips you can use

Encouragement for when life gets hectic

It’s the end of the school year for many of us. Whether you have little ones or big ones finishing out the school year or school isn’t even on your radar right now as you change one diaper after another, I’m guessing you know what overwhelmed feels like.

Being a mom is so incredibly awesome, but it’s also draining and hard. And sometimes we are just plain overwhelmed.

Currently I wish I had one more day each week and a couple of extra hours each day. Then maybe I could get closer to conquering everything I have to do. Know the feeling?

Today I’m sharing an open letter to all of us moms who feel overwhelmed, no matter which phase of child-rearing you’re in right now.

Dear Overwhelmed Mom,

First, I want to thank you for taking time to even read this letter. I know how hard it is to find a spare second in your day. I’m guessing you’re reading this while hiding out in the bathroom or while flopping on the couch after the kids are finally in bed before you have the energy to actually put your own self to bed as well.

Second, I want you to know that what you do every day, every minute matters. It really, truly does. Your children will be better because you loved them.

They will survive because you fed them, bathed them, taught them and disciplined them even while they fought you the entire way. They may not say thank you now (or ever), but you are not invisible or unappreciated.

Know that your heavenly Father sees your daily struggle and honors you as a servant to the least of these.

Third, I want to remind you that are more than a mother. Don’t glaze over this point. Don’t skip ahead.

Read it again: You are more than a mother. While being a mother is the most noble job you could have and what you do in motherhood matters, you are still a person separate from that.

You are a woman. You are a wife, perhaps. You are a daughter. You are a friend. You are YOU.

You are still in there, underneath the exhaustion, underneath the yoga pants, underneath the fear that you’re screwing it all up. You are still in there. One day, you’ll come back more full-time, but for now, don’t forget yourself.  

Find little ways to let you out. Listen to music from a time in your life when you felt free and alive. Take 10 minutes after bedtime to paint your fingernails.

Get a babysitter and do something just for you. Order pizza for dinner and take the night off from cooking. Turn the kids over to your husband and spend that cooking time reading your favorite blog, magazine or a book.

Hide in the bathroom for a few extra minutes. Whatever it takes, do something to connect with who you are outside of motherhood and responsibilities.

Fourth, know that this will pass. This is twofold. Know that it will pass so that you can survive this really difficult phase where the baby tries to eat everything and yells when you deflect him from pouring out the dog’s water bowl while the preschooler is asking how to spell 20 random words for something she’s working on and lunch is burning in the toaster oven.

Know that it will pass so that you can survive this really difficult phase where one kid has a practice in one place, the other in another and they both have homework that has to be done — not to mention dinner that needs to be made.

Know that it will pass so that you can survive this really difficult phase where your teenager rolls his eyes at everything you say and barely speaks a word for two days.

It will get better. No parenting phase lasts forever. But, because it will pass and it will pass so very quickly, take time to appreciate the small moments of greatness.

Stop to smile and remember the way the baby toddles around with a grin; stop to smile and take in the preschoolers’ look of determination as she practices writing.

Stop to really cheer on your kid as they’re playing a sport instead of listing the things you have to do on your phone. Stop to notice the way your teenager’s hair still curls slightly on his forehead just like it did when he was a baby. It will all pass.

Fifth, know that you aren’t alone. Scores of other mothers are struggling daily to somehow survive and still find some semblance of who they are at the end of the day.

Generations of other mothers have somehow survived this daily fray and lived to tell about it. You aren’t alone.

Seek out support. Talk to God about it; He’s always present. Talk to your husband, your mom and your friends. E-mail them if you can’t actually talk freely without being overheard by the children and need to vent.

I say it again, you are not alone. You are not alone even when you feel so very lonely and like not only have you slowly slipped away and morphed into a whole other person but that no one has even noticed. You are not alone.

If your support system is broken, do what it takes to fix it. You need it. No one should go through motherhood alone.

Sixth, don’t make apologies for taking time for yourself. So many of us have been brainwashed into thinking that we must do it all, all the time with a smile and an appreciative heart. It’s not possible.

Take care of your family, but know that part of taking care of your family means taking care of yourself.  

Find a babysitter. Use the time to nap, read a book, see a movie or just plain regroup. Chores can wait. They’ll still be there tomorrow.

Take time for you so you can take care of them. It’s OK. It’s normal. It’s necessary. If you don’t do this, you will become Grumpy Mom. Nobody likes her, not even you. Make it a priority.

Seventh, give yourself some grace. You’re doing the best you can. None of us can do it all. It’s just not possible.

There are too many roles. There are too many internal pressures. You’re doing the best you can and that IS good enough.  

Stop comparing yourself to other moms or to some unobtainable ideal of the perfect mom you want to be. Yes, work to improve yourself. But, don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing the best you can.

Some things may be slipping today. Other things will be slipping tomorrow. It’s just the nature of life. And it’s OK.

Your children, husband and house will survive. Your extended family and work will survive. The world isn’t going to implode. You are doing just fine. Stop telling yourself otherwise.

Motherhood is a hard gig. It’s a gig we signed up for. It’s a gig we couldn’t fully understand until we were in the thick of it and it was too late to turn back.

And it does have good rewards. It has great payoffs.  

But, the hard days are incredibly hard. The challenging phases are challenging to the core.

It’s OK to recognize that. It’s OK to not always be happy about that. Just don’t get stuck there.

Recognize how you’re feeling right now. Recognize the overwhelming sense of failure and look at whether you can change something.

Then pull up your boot straps and keep on keeping on.  

You are doing a great job. You are surviving. You are noticed. I see you.

More importantly, God sees you. You will survive and come out of this on the other side stronger.

You will come out of this with little people grown big who love you and who have been shaped into wonderful people because of your dedication to them.

You are a strong, amazing woman! Never, ever forget that!

Love,
Stacey

Books for toddlers through tweens that both you and your kids will enjoy!

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When I was a couple of days old, my mom started reading to me as she was reading to my older brother. Evidently it stuck because I’ve loved to read my entire literate life. One summer my mom and I literally read through all the books of interest to us at a local library branch and had to switch to a different branch.

I wanted to instill that love of reading in my own children as well. We started reading to my oldest every night from the time she was an infant and followed right along with that when our son was born just over three years later. I have children’s books memorized from reading them time and time again. We read at bedtime and any time throughout the day our littles wanted to. Even now that our daughter is 9 and son is 6, we still read a book together at bedtime.

For almost a decade now, I’ve gotten to know children’s books inside and out. We’ve found some favorite ones — books I will hang onto even as my children outgrow them. They’ve been such a part of our life.

I wanted to compile a list of our favorites. When I mentioned this to my daughter, she couldn’t wait to weigh in and gave me a whole list of books she has loved and currently loves. I’ve got something for all ages from itty-bitties up through 5th grade!

Toddler favorites

I Love you Through and Through

(For only a couple of dollars more, you can get this book with an adorable plush bear!)

Each Peach Pear Plum (This book is neat because the kids love the rhyming words when they are really small and then are able to find the hidden characters as they get a bit older.)

Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

Coco books by Sloane Tannen — Our favorite one, “C is for Coco,” is best bought used these days. We also recommend “Where is Coco Going,” “Coco All Year Round” and “Coco Counts.”

All the Hippos Go Berserk

Preschool favorites

Fancy Nancy series — We can’t pick a favorite one of this series. We enjoyed all the ones we read — probably because my daughter had the same red curls as Fancy Nancy and really loved seeing a character that looked like her. And this series gets bonus points for effortlessly introducing new vocabulary words and French words!)

Pinkalicious series — We loved all of these as well, especially the first one, titled “Pinkalicious” and also “Tickled Pink.” (And my son enjoyed these as much as my daughter did!)

Dinotrux series

Jump

Dr. Seuss books

Go, Dog. Go! — Similar to Dr. Seuss books, “Go, Dog. Go!” is great fun for younger ages and then works well for early readers, too, which is nice.

The Jesus Storybook Bible — I put this one in preschool because that’s the age we started reading it to our kids, but we still love it now. I’d say it definitely goes through at least early elementary. I can tell you that this so well done that nearly every time I read a story from it to my kiddos, I get something out of it, too! I can’t recommend “The Jesus Storybook Bible” enough!

Llama Llama Red Pajama series

Harry the Dirty Dog

Early elementary favorites

Many of our favorites in this age range are series of books. While they are series and usually have the same characters in them, the story lines do not continue from one book to the next. They don’t have to be read in order.

Stella Batts series — especially “Broken Birthday”

A to Z Mystery series — especially “Haunted Hotel” and “Kidnapped King”

Owl Diaries series — especially “Eva See a Ghost” and “Eva and Baby Mo”

Ella Diaries series — especially “Ballet Backflip”

Nancy Clancy series — This is the same Nancy from the “Fancy Nancy” series, just a bit older. My daughter liked having more Nancy books to read as she got older!

Mr. Putter and Tabby series — We love the adventures of the elderly Mr. Putter and his cat, Tabby! One of our favorites is “Mr. Putter and Tabby Take the Train.”

Fudge — I love these books and Judy Blume!

If you want just one, go for Superfudge.

Monstrous Maud series

Geronimo Stilton series — There are so many different series within this series even, covering different time periods. There are so many books we haven’t read them all, but we’ve really enjoyed the ones we have read, especially “The Mouse Island Marathon.”

Upper elementary favorites

The majority of these are chapter books. Some of the storylines do continue from one book to the next and are best read in order. If that is the case, I have noted it. Otherwise, they don’t have to be read in a certain order.

American Girl: Grace (needs to be read in order) — Each year the doll-maker releases fiction books about its Girl of the Year. We haven’t read all of them, but we’ve really enjoyed the ones we have read. The Grace series was such a family favorite that we bought the DVD as well!

American Girl: Innerstar University series — especially “A Girl’s Best Friend”

Goddess Girls series — especially “Pallas the Pal”

Pheobe and her Unicorn series

American Girl Smart Girl’s Guides (nonfiction) — American Girl has a series of nonfiction books that cover all sorts of topics. “The Care and Keeping of You, 1” is great for younger girls to cover information growing girls need about their bodies. There is a second version for older girls. Since my daughter is 9, we haven’t read it, yet, but I plan to when she is older because the first one was so terrific. There’s a slew of other books as well addressing topics like worry, friendships, drama, boys, money, manners and even cooking in an age-appropriate and effective way. (NOTE: I would recommend reading these books together the first time through to answer questions and have great conversations.)

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz series (needs to be read in order)

Or just start with the book that begins it all and upon which the movie is based:

Harry Potter series (needs to be read in order) — The Harry Potter books are actually free as part of subscribing to Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited Membership Plans. (I’ve been member for two years and love it!)

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” is the first one.

Dear Dumb Diary series (suggested to be read in order but not necessary)

“Let’s Pretend this Never Happened” is the first one.

Anne of Green Gables series (needs to be read in order)

“Anne of Green Gables” is the first one.

A Wrinkle in Time quintet (needs to be read in order) — I love these books!

Because of Winn Dixie

Number the Stars

Why grandparents are important and why parents don’t need to be jealous of that relationship

Science tells us that grandparents being involved in the life of their grandkids is good not only for the children but also for the grandparents themselves.

For example, a study released in June of 2016 from Boston College found that the rates of depression were less for grandparents AND grandchildren who had close relationships.

The unbreakable bond

I grew up with three loving and devoted grandparents who lived nearby. While my paternal grandpa died a month after I was born, my other three grandparents were a big part of my life. They lived just two houses apart from each other and were within five minutes of our house.

I was blessed to grow up with all three of them. My first grandparent loss didn’t happen until the beginning of my sophomore year in college. My last grandparent loss was two years ago. I miss them all so very much.

But my experience with grandparents is not over. Now I get to see my parents and my in-laws as grandparents. We have chosen to remain in the same city with both sets of grandparents even though it means that my husband has to drive a ways when he needs to go into the office.

On any given day, my children would have a 95% chance of choosing to be with my parents or in-laws over my husband and me! And I’m OK with that. (They don’t get to stay with them indefinitely, but they do get to see their grandparents usually at least once a week during the school year and often more during the summer.)

The love of parents

I will always be their mom. Nothing can ever change that or the love I have for them. Our relationship is our own and has nothing to do with their relationship with their grandparents.

I was close with all of my grandparents and loved them fiercely, but my mom and dad were still my mom and dad. Loving my grandparents didn’t mean I had less love for my parents. I just had all that much more love, and the same is true for my kiddos.

I am so very thankful that my children have grandparents who are investing in them. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we had children. As a result, all of our parents were retired by the time we started a family. And our parents were head-over-heels from day one.

An additional support system

My parents and in-laws are all a huge part of our kids’ lives. These grandparents show up for school performances and birthday parties. They love having the kids over to spend the night. They love spoiling the kids and buying toys they don’t need and offering extra sweets. These people are not the same people who raised my husband and me — and I love that!

I could be jealous of their relationship. I could resent the time my children spend with their grandparents. I’ve had a few times where my kids experienced something for the first time with their grandparents instead of with my husband and me. Honestly, it smarted a time or two.

However, long ago I learned to just be thankful. I’m glad that my parents and in-laws get a chance to experience some firsts with our kids, too. Because in the end, all they have in mind is our kids’ happiness.

As their mom, I love my children so completely and so fully. I would willingly lay down my life for them. I do my best to meet all of their needs and look out for their best interests. Aside from my husband and me, our parents are the people who most love our children and would do whatever the kids need, no matter what.

That’s a tremendous blessing. The relationship between a grandchild and grandparent is a precious one. I learned that as a grandchild. I see that now as a mom. One of these days in the future, I may learn that as a grandparent as well. I have been well taught what makes a good grandparent through all of my experiences. I’m thankful to be able to pass those lessons along to my children as they grow up close to their grandparents.

How grandparents are different

What I love about relationships between grandparents and grandchildren is that they are unique. Grandparents love their grandkids just as much as their parents do, but they have a different perspective and a different purpose.

While my husband and I are tasked with the job of raising our kids to be good people and discipline and do the nitty gritty work, our parents have the freedom to just love on them and have fun with them. Of course the kids love that and need that!

Grandparents are different in that they are able to just be present with their grandkids. Of course they have chores and tasks to be done, but many times those can wait until after the grandkids have gone home. I don’t get that luxury as often because in the midst of spending time with my kids, I also have to make sure our household is running smoothly and they have lunches packed, homework done, clothes washed, baths taken and on the list goes!

Grandparents are also different in that they have more patience. Nobody has raised kids and not understood how much patience it takes. It starts right from the beginning when they depend on you for every single thing, every single moment. I’m not sure it ever stops. While my husband and I can run short on patience in the midst of family life, our parents seldom do. They have patience in abundance for their grandchildren, which is something my kids thrive on.

Grandparents get to show up and cheer their grandkids on with pride. Parents totally do this, too. I enjoy going to the kids’ school programs and such. But while I can get busy and even stressed with the logistics of it all, my parents and in-laws show up with big smiles and are happy to cheer on our kids and brag about them whenever they get a chance. What kid doesn’t love that?!

Grandparents get to be the fun ones. I have seen both my parents and in-laws stop what they were doing and just play with our kids in ways I don’t even think they did with us. They have more freedom to be fun and have fun with the kids, which is a huge blessing for my children.

It really does take a village

Finally, grandparents also get to be an example to their grandkids. We are blessed that both my parents and my husband’s parents are incredibly great examples for our children. They all live Godly lives and model love, grace and faith to our children. I was blessed to have the examples of my own grandparents. All of that pours into my children. My children have a legacy of love and faith behind them, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Raising children is a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure. Keeping them safe is more challenging than ever before. Keeping them connected with the real world and grounded in faith can be a struggle. Having people come alongside my husband and me as we raise our children is a blessing beyond words. I will never be jealous of the relationship my kids have with any of their grandparents. I will just be grateful that they have so many good adults willing to love them and invest in them and help us as we raise them.

What the story of two sisters in the Bible taught me about motherhood

This post first ran back on Feb. 5, 2015 on my former blog. While some things have changed — like the age and some of the needs of my children — everything else remains quite the same. In fact, God brought this post to my mind earlier this week as a reminder to not be so busy in doing things for my family that I forget to just be with my family.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard sermons or Bible studies or read devotions on the Mary and Martha story in the Bible. Probably more than I can count. But as God is known to do, sometimes He knocks me over the head about something in a new way and that happened last week. 

I read a devotion about Mary and Martha — you know, the story in Luke 10:38-42 where Jesus goes to visit the two sisters and Mary sits at His feet listening to Him talk while Martha stays busy getting everything in the house ready. When Martha asks Him to reprimand her sister for not helping, Jesus lovingly turns the tables on her and gently reminds her that Mary is doing the right thing. What He wanted and what she needed was to just listen to Him.

This passage has long reminded me to not be so busy doing things that I miss out on just being with and listening to God. But for the first time last week, it spoke directly to my mother’s heart. Zing! Right where I needed to hear it. 

I am the kind of person who thrives on a to-do list. Thrives! I feel most accomplished when I can look back at my day and see how I marked off item after item. On down times, I get antsy if I don’t get things done. I like a mix of being productive and resting when it comes to my downtime. I have a to-do list for every day. And, of course, with two small children there is always lots to be done: cleaning, cooking, laundering, bathing, diapering and on and on the list goes.

I have been feeling quite proud of myself lately for all I’ve been doing. As my son has gotten older and less clingy and more happy and able to play with his big sister, I have gotten a chance to get things done again. I have also felt well enough these last few weeks to do things. 

So I was feeling proud that I’ve been organizing my house in pockets here and there and marking things off my to-do list and keeping up with laundry and making healthy food for my family and on I could go. But you may also know what the Bible also says about pride going before a fall.

Just like that God smacked me over the head and pointed out to me that I needed to make sure I wasn’t only being a Martha to my children (doing all the tasks that surround caring for them), but that I was also being a Mary to my children (stopping to listen to and play with them). Ouch! It’s not that doing my kids’ laundry or making their lunch or cleaning our house are bad or wrong in any way. Certainly those things need to be done. If I don’t do them things get crazy! 

However, God reminded me that I need to stop doing sometimes and just be with my kiddos. Of course I play with them. Of course I interact with them, but how often do I just sit down with them one-on-one and say, “Let’s do whatever you want to do for the next half hour?” Not all that often. 

More often than I’d like to admit, when I play with them I feel antsy to be able to move on to my next task or I think about all that isn’t getting done or I even just think how much I wish I could be doing something else for myself. And many times, I’m half playing and half keeping an eye on the time so that we don’t get off our precious schedule.

The games a preschooler and toddler come up with aren’t always intriguing and fun to me. How many times can I make a Ninja Turtle on a motorcycle run into Batman on a motorcycle before I start to want to pull out my hair?  But isn’t God patient with us? Aren’t I supposed to model my life after Him? He sees me wandering around making a mess of things or doing the same tedious, ridiculous things over and over. 

Fortunately He doesn’t think like I sometimes do and get impatient with my childish ways. Sometimes I think He finds delight in the little things that delight me. Because when I really just let myself and my agenda go and am present in playing with my children with my mind and body, then I am happy to make a Ninja Turtle on a motorcycle crash into Batman on a motorcycle over and over again because I see the joy it brings my son. He is delighted, so I am delighted.

Today I will make progress on my to-do list. I will get laundry done. I will make dinner. I will make sure that the big kid gets to and from preschool on time. I will be a Martha managing my household and family. But I will also work to be a Mary and make sure that I stop to just sit and play with my children. 

I have learned this in my spiritual life (though I am FAR from perfect!). I make time to stop and hang out with God in the mornings (unless my kids are sick and up all hours then I find Him in other ways throughout the day). I need that time with my Father. My kids need that time with their mother. 

I will work to find the best balance I can between Martha and Mary. Some days I may be more one than the other in the natural ebb and flow of life, but I will plod forward doing my best.

The words we say and attitudes we hold influence our children so much!

Each week my son goes to a ninja class where he learns tumbling and parkour (think “American Ninja Warrior” for little ones). He loves it! Last week, his class with filled with all boys who were age 5 to 7. They jumped and tumbled and ran. During one of their water breaks, I heard another little boy talking with his family. He said he was tired.

The kids had just finished jumping and running over and over, so it was tiring. He wasn’t whining. The grandpa leaned over to the child, pointed to the all-female competitive cheerleading team practicing on the next mat over and asked his grandson if he wanted to go to the girls. When he said no, then the grandpa advised him to stop complaining or he’d have to.

Undermining the value of women

I bristled. It bothered me. The message he just sent his grandson is that those girls aren’t as valuable. He told his grandson that going to a group of girls is a punishment. He told his granddaughter, who was sitting right beside him, that boys only do something girls do as punishment. Boys are better. Even crazier to me is those girls were older than his grandson and a heck of a lot better at their skills of tumbling. The grandpa was undermining the value of women.

OK. So it might sound like I’m over-reacting. I don’t want to rant and rave. But, as the mother of a boy, I want to be conscious of what I’m teaching him through my attitudes and words. As the mother of a girl, I want to be conscious of what I’m teaching her through my attitudes and words.

I don’t appreciate the idea that for a boy to go into a girls’ class is punishment. And I wouldn’t appreciate it in reverse either. I am aware there are differences between boys and girls and men and women. We tend to have different strengths and such, but that doesn’t make either gender less than the other. I never want my daughter to feel she is less than a boy just because she’s a girl. I never want my son to feel superior to a girl just because he’s a boy.

What was very interesting to me is that very evening on the way home from his ninja class, my son and I had a discussion right along these lines. He wanted to know if Adam and Eve had only sons, because he’s didn’t hear about their daughters.

I explained to him that through the years, as men wrote down history, including the Bible, they didn’t take women and children into account because they didn’t think they were important. We talked about how Jesus fed the 5,000, but that 5,000 was only the number of men. He actually fed way more than 5,000. My son was incredulous that they didn’t care about women and children. How could they not, he wondered.

God’s plan for the value of women

My best answer was unfortunately that’s just how it was. I did tell him God didn’t plan it that way from the beginning. Yes, He made Adam first, but that doesn’t mean that Eve wasn’t just as important. I reminded my son that God loves all of us the same, and seeing any one of His children being treated poorly based on gender or skin color must make Him sad.

I didn’t bring up this topic. But, I did find it quite timely that my son did. He didn’t hear the grandfather’s words. I didn’t say a word about it to him. In fact, I didn’t even share it with anyone aside from a friend I met for breakfast the next morning. However, the two conversations go side-by-side.

The power of our attitudes

The grandfather didn’t tell his grandson that he was superior and girls don’t matter or aren’t as important in those exact words. Not many people would say that, especially these days.

But his attitude showed a different picture. His attitude showed that he clearly thinks women are less-than, weaker, whinier and wimpier than boys. And THAT message offends me for myself, my daughter and my son. I don’t want to raise a boy to be a man with that attitude. His father doesn’t have that attitude. His Heavenly Father certainly doesn’t have that attitude.

The words we say hold so very much power. We live in a world of political correctness where people are often chastised for the words they use, sometimes to the point of what seems ridiculous. I understand that maybe we get tired of posts just like this one. Tirades exhaust us, and we roll our eyes at what seems an over-reaction.

But until these kinds of attitudes stop and aren’t accepted, they must continue. I will stop myself from getting off on a tangent about how women are treated and perceived inside the church. In fact, I’d daresay many churches are the greatest offenders of gender equality. I want to focus instead on thinking about the hidden messages in the words we say to our children. They are soaking every last one of them up.

That little boy didn’t go home last week thinking he was better than girls directly. He did go home having absorbed some of his grandpa’s attitude about the value of women. If he is given that attitude enough times, it will fully soak in and shape his views. That is what we must do our best to change and do better than generations before us. We’ve made progress, but so much more progress needs to be made. The message we are giving our sons (and daughters!) shouldn’t be one of superiority over any one for any reason.