Life with a newborn is exhausting, challenging and rewarding

I wrote this back in 2013 when I was just starting to feel a bit human again after having our second baby. I’ve done some slight editing, but left it mostly the same. I share for new mamas who are overwhelmed and exhausted. I promise you will survive this phase! The 12-week-old baby is new a thriving 8-year-old boy and his big sister is now 11.

Just when you think you know everything as a mother, things change around and you realize that you don’t know nearly as much as you thought you did to begin with. Having a second baby has reminded me of this. My son is days away from being 12 weeks old. He’s not much like his big sister who is 3-1/2. I’ve learned a few lessons from life with a newborn. I’ve also been reminded of some lessons I learned last time around.

So, I decided to compile a list. It’s far from comprehensive, but it’s a few things that have been floating around in my mind and my life these last nearly 12 weeks.

1. Not all babies are the same. 

I can’t say this enough. I knew this in my head, but having a second baby really taught me this lesson. My daughter loved the bouncy seat; my son doesn’t like it. The swing didn’t interest my daughter; my son loves it. My daughter couldn’t sleep when someone was holding her. Sometimes my son will only sleep when someone is holding him.

2. Just when you think you couldn’t possible be any more exhausted, you realize you can. 

I’ve had plenty of times when I thought if I were any more exhausted I’d be dead. And then the baby spent the night crying and I got only two hours of sleep before preschooler was up and ready for the day to start. Turns out I was wrong. I could be more exhausted.

3. Dealing with reflux in a baby stinks. 

My daughter had other issues, but reflux wasn’t a problem for her. My son has mild reflux and it stinks. I feel a huge compassion for parents who have babies with more severe reflux.

4. Babies require patience. 

Lots and lots and lots of patience. I try to remind myself of this when I want to scream things like, “Stop crying and nurse already!” Or “Go to sleep!” So instead I do things like make shushing noises and sing lullabies. And when I can’t manage that, I just shut my trap.

5. Going anywhere takes a lot of effort. 

Going anywhere on time feels like a major undertaking. I travel with lots of stuff in tow, even with a second baby. While I’d like to say I’ve downsized from the first time around, the truth is I haven’t. In fact, my diaper bag now includes items for my 3-year-old as well. When she was a baby, I didn’t carry coloring books and portable toilet seats with us. 

Getting all of us ready to get out the door to go anywhere is a major undertaking and major accomplishment. If we get there on time, I’m pretty sure I deserve some sort of award.

6. Not sleeping in your bed for three months can really wear on you. 

While my daughter had her own issues in figuring out how to use her tongue to suck, she was a good sleeper. She slept first in her pack-and-play in our room and then in her crib in her room starting at 3 months. 

My son, thanks first to extra congestion after his delivery and then to his reflux, is not a good sleeper. He just starting sleeping in his crib and he’s not sleeping in there nearly as long as he was sleeping in the Boppy on the couch beside me. We’ll get there, I hope, because sleeping in a recliner is far from as comfortable as my bed.

7. Baby cuddles are sweet and should be enjoyed for no other reason than just to cuddle. 

I had trouble getting cuddle time with my daughter. Like I said she wouldn’t fall asleep in our arms. I also had to put her down quite a bit so I could pump milk for her. 

This time around in life with a newborn, I get lots more cuddles because our little dude is cuddly and because I’m nursing him. I really enjoy the snuggles. I just have to remember to cuddle sometimes just because baby cuddles are good for the soul and not just because I’m trying to get him to sleep or feed him.

8. Babies create lots of laundry. 

This is not different this time around. I had lots of laundry last time; I have lots of laundry this time. Before I had kids I always figured the laundry was for the baby. I’ve since realized that my laundry also increases when I get covered in spit-up and diaper blowouts. Fun stuff… 

(And let’s not pretend that I change my shirt every single time I get a teeny bit of spit-up on me, especially if I’m not leaving the house any time soon!)

9. Showers taken when other responsible adults are around are like mini spa days. 

I love my Saturday morning hot shower when my husband is home and making sure that the kiddos are fine. For 20 glorious minutes, I enjoy warm water cascading over me and nobody talking to me, crying for me or needing me to do something. It’s divine.

10. Trips anywhere alone are like mini vacations. 

This includes grocery shopping and doctor’s visits.  I’ve been disappointed when my doctor or dentist got me in fast enough that I didn’t have time to sit in the waiting room and read my book. Times have changed.

11. Toothless baby smiles make your heart melt — even when it’s 2 a.m. and you’ve not been asleep since 7 a.m. the day before.

It’s hard to stay mad, upset or any other negative emotion when you’re getting a toothless baby smile.

12. You can come up with all sorts of systems for how things work best.

For example, we learned pretty quickly that this little dude needs to be held more to go to sleep. My husband tests when our son is ready to be laid down by lifting his arm and seeing if it stays completely limp when he gently drops it. My test in the middle of the night has sometimes been when the sniffing from my exhausted tear-fest no longer makes him jump. Whatever works.

13. You are desperate to hear from other mothers of newborns. 

I have a small network of moms I enjoy talking with who have kiddos the same age as mine. We talk about shots, exhaustion, bottle size, diaper brands and all the stuff that comes in life with a newborn (and older kiddos). It helps me to know I’m not alone in my worries and frustrations.

14. On the flip side, unwanted advice from non-parents or those who haven’t had a baby for decades does not go over well. 

It’s a great way to annoy a new mom. And, honestly, we get tired of hearing how much we should enjoy these days because they go so fast. Having a 3-1/2-year-old, I’ve already learned this lesson a bit. 

However, there are most definitely parts of life with a newborn that I don’t enjoy and won’t miss. There are way more parts I do enjoy and will miss, but I don’t enjoy every single moment and can get tired of the suggestion that I should.

15. Hormones and exhaustion can combine in negative ways. 

I don’t mean to be grumpy, weepy or irritable. It just happens. And for that I’m sorry.

16. Mommy brain is real. 

We fully intend to remember what we were talking about or supposed to be doing and then we just don’t. This happens from being exhausted by life with a newborn and from being interrupted so frequently.

17. Babies smell good. 

I feel like I knew this before, but I almost forgot it. I think of Frank Barone, the grandpa on the old TV show “Everybody Loves Raymond.” He’d come in and smell his grandchildren’s heads and claim to be taking in their youth. I get that. Sometimes I smell my son’s head and just try to suck in that smell. He won’t smell like a new baby forever. It’s a special smell.

18. Mommy guilt is real. 

This isn’t something I had to learn anew. It’s something I’ve had from the moment I became a mom and I continue to struggle with it. I worry that I’m not doing enough for either child at any given time. I worry that I’m not making the baby do tummy time enough or playing enough games with preschooler. I worry if I leave them with their grandparents for a few hours to do something like see a movie with my husband that I shouldn’t be leaving them at all. I am good at mommy guilt.

19. Diaper changing time is sometimes the highlight of my day. 

Some of my favorite times with my daughter were on the changing table. She’d baby talk to me. She’d smile at me and look into my eyes. My son is the same way. Sometimes, in fact, we’ve been in the middle of really rough nights when his reflux is acting up and I’ll go to change his diaper and he’ll settle down and “talk” to me and smile at me. The changing table is sort of a magical place with my babies.

20. The rewards of life with a newborn are worth it. 

Just when I think I can’t possibly have the energy to go on another moment or just when I am so incredibly ready to give up, I look down at my baby’s precious little face and remember he depends on me so very completely for everything right now. He needs me. I’m irreplaceable to him (and to his big sister). 

And I love them both so completely. That love gives me the extra energy I need to press on and take care of their needs. (Some prayer for strength goes a long way, too!) Getting rewarded with baby smiles and coos makes my heart swoon and re-energizes me enough to keep going. 

It’s motherhood: long hours, crummy pay and tremendous rewards.

Looking for more on life with babies? Don’t miss these posts!

Encouragement for moms of babies, toddlers and preschoolers

This is an interesting blog post to share, because I started it when I had a toddler and preschooler then finished it recently having a 7- and 10-year-old. But I wanted to share this hybrid of encouragement for moms of babies, toddlers and preschoolers.

Living in the fray

I’ve been thinking lately about what I will want to remember to say to mothers of young children when my children are grown. This has come up because I’ve been thinking of what I would appreciate hearing right now from other people, like the older lady behind me in line at the grocery store this week who saw me juggling a sippy cup, snack cup, my purse, our grocery bags, my debit card, a whole slew of groceries and my toddler then just gaped at me and pushed forward as soon as she could so I wouldn’t waste her time.

The tricky thing for the store at which I was shopping is that you have one cart to start with then have to switch to another when you check out. It’s not a horrible setup, but it is tricky when you have a child strapped into that cart. Well, maybe not tricky, but it just takes a bit of extra time.

And, in all fairness, I have no clue what the lady behind me had going on in her life. Maybe she was in a hurry to get back to a sick spouse or parent or any slew of difficulties. But, I’ve been thinking about what I want to remember to say in the future when I’m looking at a mom with a young child running herself in circles trying to keep everyone where they need to be while buying their food.

Chances are pretty great that I’m never going to turn into an extrovert who chats up every stranger she meets. So, realistically what I will say will be something along the lines of: “Can I help you?” or “Don’t hurry. Take your time. I’ve been there, done that.”

In fact, a couple of months ago an older lady said that exact statement to my husband and me as we were keeping her standing in the cold, blocking her car door while wrangling the toddler into his carseat and strapping the preschooler into hers. Her grace made my evening better.

And that encouragement for moms is what I want to extend when my little ones are older. Heck, that’s what I want to extend to them now when we’re in the trenches together. Just know that when I say just a few words or offer a smile as your child is having a meltdown or you are making people wait an extra two minutes in line while getting everything situated, what I really mean is this:

From a fellow mom of itty bitties

Calm down. I’ll wait for you. I understand what you’re going through. It’s hard just to get everyone ready and out the door. I know you had to stay up late even figuring out what food to make your family next week and what you needed from the store because otherwise there would be no time to concentrate or contemplate such things while getting little bodies fed and changed and cleaned and combed and bundled up to leave the house.

Take your time and know that one day it will be easier. One day you won’t have a toddler doing his best to put his sippy cup on the conveyor belt to pay for it and then getting mad because suddenly he no longer has it in his hand. And it will be easier to shop.

For now, though, fellow mama, don’t rush yourself. Don’t worry and fret on my account. Just relax and let me help you load your groceries while you take care of your kiddos. You will make it. You’re doing a great job. See? No one is screaming (at least not any longer). No one is bleeding. Everyone is actually pretty content. Don’t worry. You’ll get lunch made on time and the preschooler off to her class on time. You’ve got this. I see you being pushed to your limits and not giving in.

From a mom in the middle

Know that while this time is incredibly stressful and sometimes, quite frankly, makes you want to run away, that it is also precious. One day you’ll look at other moms in the same situation you’re now in and remember these days with fondness.

But, that also doesn’t make them any easier now. Enjoy the sweet moments and embrace them. Give extra cuddles and hugs in lieu of scrubbing your kitchen counter.

However, also give yourself grace. Sometimes you’re going to lose your temper and yell. You’ll want to pull your hair out wondering if your toddler will ever be potty trained. (He will!) You may have to apologize to your children or give yourself a time-out to sit in the bathroom alone for two minutes and regroup. It’s OK. It’s normal. You’re doing a great job.

Hang in there, mama. Each phase has its own challenges and joys. You are going to make it. And if I can make your life easier with a smile or understanding look, if I can help you as you struggle to balance all the things you must take with you when you leave the house, I will.

Because, mama, my babies are older now. I’m not in the baby, toddler or preschool phase any longer. I’m right in the middle with a 7 and 10-year-old, but I so very much remember the challenges of those days. Hang in there and rock your mama journey in all its messiness and frustration!