Families With Grace

Helping Christian moms create homes filled with grace, love & faith

8 Ways to cope when holidays are hard

Dealing with grief during the holiday season

Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. They can be times filled with family and good food. But, they can also be filled with grief, aching hearts and shattered dreams. Oftentimes, it’s a mix of both. You may be heartbroken over some things, yet work to enjoy the time with the family or friends you are with. Dealing with grief during the holiday season is difficult.

The older I get, the more I find the bittersweetness in holidays and other big events. It really is all such a mix. With that in mind, I’ve put together 8 ways to cope with grief during the holiday season.

8 Ways to cope when holidays are hard: Dealing with grief during the holiday season

1. Give yourself some grace.

I’m going to start with this one right out of the gate. Grace is what we need most when we are grieving or struggling with something. Other people often extend it to us, but we don’t always give it to ourselves. If you are struggling with grief during this holiday season, recognize that and ease up on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for not cooking this year or crying in the middle of dinner because someone is missing. Do your best and accept that your best good enough, even if it’s different than usual or different than you want it to be.

2. Let go of traditions that are painful or impossible.

It may be for just one season, but if you have a tradition that is causing you much stress and anxiety, let it go for this year. Explain to others, if necessary, that you just aren’t up to it this year. Most of the time, they’ll understand.

3. Avoid social media.

Nothing is worse when struggling to make it through a holiday than logging onto Facebook or Instagram and seeing posts and photos of happy people with perfect holiday celebrations. Even if you know in your head that you are only seeing the highlight reel and nobody has a perfect life and family, your heart often can’t handle it. I remember during one difficult holiday season, I went dark from social media for a few days. I didn’t regret it for a moment.

4. Get creative.

Sometimes you have to find a new normal, even if it’s a temporary one. One of my most thankful Thanksgivings was 12 years ago when my dad was just released the hospital the day before after a two-month stay in which we weren’t sure he’d live. My husband, parents and I sat at their kitchen table and ate lunchmeat sandwiches and chips. We were grateful that my dad was alive and home. That simple meal was delicious.

5. Pray about it.

Praying for help and strength to get through a difficult holiday helps you remember Who to turn to and focus on. Prayer can help remind you that God is there, He is with you and He will give you the strength that you need. Don’t hesitate to ask others to pray for you as well. Sometimes we don’t even know the words to say or what to ask for when we are in the middle of heartbreak. The prayers of our family and friends can buoy and strengthen us so much during those times.

6. Utilize Bible verses and breath-prayers throughout the day.

Find a Bible verse that comforts you — maybe it’s your favorite verse or maybe not. Dwell on it. Memorize it. Repeat it. Use it! God’s Word is powerful. Find a verse you can turn into a breath-prayer. Breath-prayers are one or two sentences that you can say over and over under your breath, almost without thought.

A couple of years ago, we were facing an incredibly difficult situation with a loved one. I clung to part of my favorite verse, Isaiah 41:10, and prayed, “God, strengthen and uphold us.” Simple, yet powerful and needed. For so many years I’ve loved that verse for the first part reminding me not to fear. But the second part of that verse was just what I needed for a breath-prayer 25 years after I first learned and loved the verse.

I had no clue when I first started finding comfort in that verse as a child going down a dark hallway that one day in the future I’d need the rest of that verse so desperately, but God did!

7. Set realistic expectations.

Go into the holiday season with some forethought. Along with missing people or dealing with a major stressor over the holiday season, sometimes dealing with our family members can be incredibly difficult. I have had times where I’ve imagined conversations I’d have with loved ones and how we’d get along so swimmingly. And then I’ve been heartbroken when that didn’t happen.

Don't be so busy thinking of what you are missing that you overlook what you have.

When you plan ahead a little in your mind, you can manage your expectations to help your own self. For example, if you know someone isn’t going to treat you well but you can’t avoid being with them, do your best to prepare yourself for the situation and how you will react in love and peace. 

8. Count your blessings.

I know that can be challenging sometimes. Some holidays are just stinking hard. Grief is hard whether a loved one has died, is away by choice or is away due to other circumstances. But in the midst of the heartache, there is still good. Remind yourself of the blessings you have.

Start with the most basic of things like being thankful for the clothes on your back or the air you’re breathing. Work from there and you will usually be surprised by how many things you can come up with. Remember also the people who love you. Sometimes missing someone else can make you appreciate those you have even more. You don’t want to be so busy thinking of what you are missing that you overlook what you have.

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How I stopped being angry at my family

Overcoming anger at doing tasks nobody cares about or notices

Mom anger is an issue we don’t talk about often enough. I’ve felt it so many times, and I’m guessing you have, too. I’m talking about anger that starts building in you when you do a task that no one notices or has a clue about.

Why are you the ONLY one who sees the bathroom trash overflowing and takes it out?

Why are you the ONLY one who empties the dishwasher when the dishes are clean?

Why are you the ONLY one who remembers to stop by the grocery store and pick up bread to make lunches for the next day?

Why are you the ONLY one who remembered to sign the kids’ permission slips and put them in their backpacks?

Why are you the ONLY one who seems to be able to remember to put dirty socks in the hamper?

Where mom anger comes from

Moms have this whole running list in their heads at all times. I’d bet you could tell me right now how much milk/bread/cereal/whatever-staple-your-family-relies-on is in your pantry or fridge.

I can tell you that I just opened our last gallon of milk this morning. We have three slices of bread, so I need to buy more today. Our granola/cereal bars (my family’s other staple) are pretty well stocked right now.

I also know the level of fullness for each trashcan in my house at pretty much any given time. I have a list in my head to know what laundry needs to be done. And I know I need to return our library books due tomorrow.

My husband doesn’t know these things. My kids don’t know these things. They don’t have to know these things, because I do and I take care of them. Will they help when I ask them to? Yes, usually. But they don’t have that running list in their heads.

And they also don’t have the anger that sometimes comes along with it. Just this morning, I was doing some household chores before coming into the home office to work. My husband went straight to the office to start work after taking the kids to school. He didn’t make a stop-off for household chores, because his job is much more demanding than mine. His paycheck is also our primary source of income. The workday starts for him promptly at 8 a.m. Mine is more flexible by far.

HOWEVER, even though my head knows these things sometimes I trip up. I get that little voice being like, “Why is it always you who thinks to change the sheets?” Or I start resenting that he can just go to work without having these chores hanging over his head. None of that is a recipe for a peaceful, loving, grace-filled marriage. It’s a recipe for building resentment and anger.

Shifting my perspective

Because when I stop to really think about it, I can flip the perspective. My husband could easily wonder why he has to take the kids to school while I’m home in my PJs. (In my defense, this is the first year that’s happened. Instead I take over all kid-care duties before school.)

Or as he heads into the office to work while I head upstairs to do some household chores, he could wonder why he has to be the one who makes the primary income. 

I thought about these things this morning as I was doing chores that no one will notice or thank me for. I realized I was feeling sorry for myself that nobody says thank you each time I do a task to keep our household running smoothly. And I was feeling angry that nobody would think to do some of these tasks, let alone thank me for them. I kept thinking (because what else is there to do when you are wiping down counters and toilets?!). I asked myself WHY I was cleaning.

Once I got past the dramatic and sarcastic responses like “Because if I don’t then nobody will and we’ll all get horrible germs and die?” or “Because I’m just living the dream over here,” I found my answer. Every household chore I do, I do because it serves the people I love. The real reason I’m cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets and doing laundry is because that’s what the people I love need me to do.

Some of them are too young to do some of these tasks themselves. Some of them are too busy earning an income for our family. And this really is what I signed up for.

Letting go of the anger

When I’m doing tasks out of love, suddenly my anger dissipates. When I’m washing lunchbox containers, meal planning, grocery shopping, bagging up trash, folding laundry or making food, I’m doing it because I have been blessed with people to love and take care of. Why in the world do I let myself harbor mom anger about that?

Yet, I do sometimes find myself getting angry about those things. I need a reminder. I need perspective. Most of all, I need to remember that it’s not about me. If I wanted thanks and accolades from my family, then I could easily feed my kids dessert for dinner and get plenty of thanks. But what I want is my family to be taken care of. If it’s in my power to do so, then I should do so without anger at them. So many times I have thanked God for my husband and my children. How dare I get angry at taking care of them?

So each time I start to feel that mom anger creep in again, I think about these things. BUT, I also want to be clear that just because I CAN do things to take care of my family doesn’t mean that I HAVE to do everything. My husband and I still talk about household chores and how we are dividing them.

My children still have responsibilities and chores they are required to do according to their age. And they each also pitch in and help me with the chores I usually do when I don’t feel well thanks to my chronic health issues. (Yes, these very same sweet, loving, compassionate folks are the ones I sometimes get angry with…) 

I also still do justifiably get irritated or angry with my family sometimes when they don’t listen to me or do what I asked them to do without a good reason. Though I try to listen and give grace, sometimes my kids are testing limits or giving me an attitude that just isn’t acceptable.

I am working, though, to make sure I don’t harbor an attitude of resentment and anger toward my husband or children simply for existing and needing things from me. Above all, I want to do everything I do for my family out of love for them and not out of an angry feeling of obligation. It’s not always easy. And I totally mess up sometimes. But many other times, I wash another load of laundry or scrub another toilet without a second thought because it’s what my loved ones need.