Stacey A. Shannon is a freelance journalist and blogger who has been published internationally. She's also a Christian, a wife and a mom of two school-aged children. She started Families with Grace in 2019 to encourage Christian moms as they create homes filled with grace, love and faith.
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Back in 2005, we got a Lhasa Apso puppy who we named Buckles. It was the first foray into parenthood of any sort for my husband and me.
One of the things we learned quickly as we were training the puppy is that positive reinforcement was effective. Basically, if you give a puppy a treat when he does something he should be doing then he will quickly learn to keep doing it. It worked well on Buckles. He grew into an incredibly good and well-behaved dog.
The positive reinforcement techniques also worked well for my husband and me in that they were our style anyway. Neither of us are yellers or gruff people. We were firm with Buckles as he was learning, but yelling and terrifying him wasn’t our style.
Applying positive reinforcement to our children
When our daughter was born four years later, we learned positive parenting also worked for toddlers and kiddos. Of course we didn’t give our daughter a treat every time she did something right, but we did do things like gently correct her, redirect her attention and praise her when she did something she was supposed to be doing. We continued with the same strategy for our son, who was born three years later.
Again, positive parenting fit our personalities and it worked for our kids. Just like with the dog, we were firm but focused on positive reinforcement of good habits rather than misbehavior.
Now our children are 6 and 9, and they aren’t perfect, but they are both well behaved. They both get many compliments from their teachers and other adults on their behavior. I’m thankful for that.
I won’t pretend like we are always positive, never raise our voices or get frustrated. We 100 percent do. After adding a new puppy into the mix of our family life last month, we are running a bit shorter on energy and patience around here.
But, we do our best to continue with positive parenting of both our kids and our new puppy. We strive to tell our kids what they’re doing well along with what they need to work on. We compliment them. We thank them. We recognize them.
We all love to be recognized for what we’re doing and what we’re doing well. Our kids aren’t any different. My job isn’t to make everything in my children’s lives positive or gush on with them about how awesome they are and not correct them when they need to be. But my job also isn’t to break their spirits, shame them or discourage them.
Teaching our kids about positive reinforcement
Now we are going through the puppy training stuff all over again with our puppy, Pixel. Our children are getting to see a bit of the other side of the situation. They are learning to correct, redirect and praise progress.
They’re caring, loving kids as they are helping train the puppy. Did positive reinforcement make them that way? Maybe. It certainly didn’t hurt. They have a lot left to learn. My husband and I have a lot left to teach them, but I hope they can always know we are their biggest cheerleaders, their life coaches and want them to grow into the people God created them to be!
What the past 20 years as a missus have taught me about love and marriage
Last week, my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I can scarce believe it’s been two decades of marriage! We married young. I was 20 and only halfway through undergrad. He was 22 and had just gotten a full-time job while going to school part-time.
A lot has changed since we first said “I do,” and yet a lot has remained the same as well. We have grown and changed together. We have learned so much about what love and marriage really mean.
1. Being married doesn’t mean losing yourself.
Since we got married young, we were both still figuring out our place in the world. We knew some of who we were, but we hadn’t had a huge amount of life lived to really refine and define us. We just knew we loved each other and God — and that was enough.
Through the years, we also learned that being married as one didn’t make each of us any less of who we were individually. In fact, being together brought out the best of our individual selves. I am a better person today because of my husband. And sometimes it’s OK to do things apart from one another. Even as husband and wife, you still need your own space.
2. Marriage is a team sport.
I probably say this more than anything else when I talk about marriage and relationships. We are a team. Though neither one of us are sports fans, we learned early on to be a team and have a team mentality in our relationship.
Our goal above all is to support one another and be on the same side. My husband and I do best when we approach life as a team working together instead of as opponents each looking out for ourselves. Nobody else has my back more than my husband and the same is true in reverse. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders and are the safe place for each other to land when life is hard.
3. Laughter and fun are vital to a happy marriage.
We laugh a lot. Life is serious. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it brings us to our knees, but any chance we find for humor, we take it. We laugh together as much as we can because taking ourselves too seriously never ends well. Laughter also gives us perspective on whether something is really all that important. We try to adhere to the thought that if we’re going to laugh about it later, why not go ahead and laugh about it now?!
And my husband 100 percent gets my quirky, punny sense of humor and exploits it often. I’m not sure I should be as old as I am and still giggle, but he still makes me giggle. For that, I am thankful!
We also have fun together playing games. Gaming was his hobby when we first got married. Through the years I have evolved from a gamer’s wife into a gaming wife, and I’m so glad I did. We have such a good time together when we get a chance to play together!
4. Marriage is made for giving grace.
My husband has taught me so much about grace just by giving it to me. Sometimes I get snippy with my husband because I’m having a bad day or a bad moment, and he will respond with love instead of irritation. I’ve done the same for him. Grace isn’t an excuse to treat each other badly. It just means that when one of us is having a bad moment, the other one recognizes it and doesn’t respond with anger or irritation and escalate the situation.
We also don’t partake in the blame game when someone messes up. We learned that the second day we were married when we ran out of gas on our way to our honeymoon. We were both so excited to be married and going somewhere together that neither of us remembered to get gas on the way. Instead of blaming one or the other of us, we both realized it was a mistake and figured out how to fix it while also having a great story to tell for years to come.
5. You’ve got to make each other a priority.
My husband and I both work from home. While I’ve worked from home since 2003, he has only worked from home the last few years. For the last year or so, we’ve shared a home office. So, we are together a lot. In fact, we’re together more than we’re not.
Yet, we still have to make connecting with each other a priority. Because life gets in the way. While we work side-by-side, we have different jobs. Add in house stuff and the kids, and actually connecting can be challenging. We’ve found that making time to have a meal just the two of us or chatting once the kids are in bed is important for our relationship.
6. Being married means being your true self with someone else.
I think one of the best ways to know if you really, truly love someone is how comfortable you feel being yourself with them — being your true self that comes out when you’re at home and nobody is watching. My husband and I have that comfort with each other. He has seen me at both my best and worst and loves me still. I have seen him at his best and worst and still love him. I am thankful we can be comfortable with each other.
7. Spouses aren’t mind readers.
While my husband knows me better than anyone else, he still can’t read my mind. Early on in our marriage, I learned that communicating well is important. If there is something I want or need my husband to do, I ask politely.
My husband is highly annoyed by passive aggressive behavior. (Really, who isn’t?!) We have learned to cut it out of our interactions. It’s nice because we know what we say is what we mean. The only games being played around our house are of the video, board or role playing variety — not in our relationship.
8. Poking fun at each other isn’t a good idea.
We don’t make fun of each other. It’s another lesson learned early on that poking fun or joking at the other person’s expense can lead to hurt feelings and undermine our relationship. We do joke with each other and can poke fun at ourselves. But we definitely know the limits.
9. Keeping God in your marriage is important.
From the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I strived to honor God with our choices. When we got engaged, that only became more important and more serious. Our engagement in the middle of college caused some friction, and we found ourselves in prayer and Bible study to determine whether we had heard God correctly or not.
Our marriage spiritual walk has changed and grown as we have. We did a pre-marital Bible study together. We’ve done couples’ devotion books together. We now do a family devotion together with our kids each evening. I’ve learned that my husband has some awesome spiritual insight and thoughts that haven’t occurred to me. He is one of the only people I feel comfortable with getting into the really meaty struggles of faith and my relationship with God because I know I can trust him fully.
We have kept each other accountable. We have encouraged each other in our faith walks. We have grown spiritually together. We have joint stories of God’s work, goodness, grace and mercy that we can share. I’ve also learned that when my relationship with God is on track and growing then my relationship with my husband is even better.
10. Talking negatively about your spouse to others isn’t helpful.
When we were first married, we had some friends who were also newlyweds and would gripe about their spouses. We made a deal that if we had a problem with each other, we would address it with the other and not complain about it to our friends.
That policy has served us well. First of all, we don’t want to focus on the things that can drive us crazy about our spouse, which is what happens with griping. Second, it keeps us communicating and fixing issues, which is healthy. And third, our friends will remember negative gripes we’ve had about our spouse long after we have forgiven them and moved on.
11. Bragging on your spouse is always permitted.
Everybody loves compliments. The more you can brag on your spouse about what they are good at or do well, the better you feel about him and the better he feels about him and you as a result.
Nothing feels better than being recognized for what you do or what you do well. So many life experiences go against positivity. Any time you can be positive about your spouse, do so!
12. Being best friends with your spouse is awesome.
While I do have other friends, my husband is by far my best friend. He’s the person I go to first with good news or bad news. He’s the person I laugh with the most and genuinely want to hang out with the most.
As an introvert who needs alone and downtime, I can enjoy the company of friends but still feel a bit drained as a result. That isn’t true with my husband. He sees the real me and is still my best friend. I am so thankful for that!
13. Sometimes you just have to trust your spouse’s knowledge.
One of the things that drew me to my husband way back when we were in high school was how intelligent he is. He is a smart guy. He thinks outside the box. He comes up with efficient ways to accomplish tasks. He can visualize things that I cannot.
Long ago, I learned to trust his knowledge when it is superior to mine. When we were looking for a new house a decade ago, we had a discussion as to whether the dining room set we had would fit in one of the houses we were looking at. I wasn’t sure. My husband said yes. I conceded he knew best because I really can’t visualize well and know he can. Our realtor was shocked. But it just makes sense. He has strengths. I have strengths. It makes sense to use those strengths instead of fight against them.
14. Romance changes as you go.
One time when my husband and I were dating, he gave me a small teddy bear holding a pair of earrings. Another time, I left him a note on his car while he was inside his work. Those were sweet and romantic gestures, but they were nothing compared to the romantic gestures of love that come with being married for so long.
For example, he’s driven me out of state for doctor appointments many times to allow me to see a specialist for my chronic health issues. While that may not scream romance as we see it in movies and on television, it does to me. He has given up his own time and comfort because he loves me and wants me to feel better. He has worked late to be able to take off and go with me. He hasn’t complained when I wasn’t up to even help with driving. That is romance and love beyond anything a flower or card could say.
15. Traditional romantic gestures are still nice and appreciated!
While number 14 is 100 percent true, we do also still appreciate traditional romantic gestures. Nice meals out just the two of us are priceless. A card left with words of love is sweet. Surprise flowers or flowers for an occasion are precious.
On our anniversary last week, for example, I spent the afternoon with both kids swimming on their last day of summer break. I came home worn out and found a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a nice card and my favorite candy waiting for me from my husband. It was unexpected, and I looked a frightful mess. I also loved every moment of it!
16. Good life experiences are even better when shared with someone you love.
I love being a mama. But I love more sharing the parenthood journey with my husband. I love sharing all my journeys with him. We can share a quick look and know what the other is thinking. No one else finds our children so adorable, smart, charming, precious and hilarious as we do.
No one else understands the small victories (or big ones) we have quite as much as each other. We’ve celebrated together over things that don’t make much sense to anyone else, which is exactly how it should be!
17. Marriage is made for inside jokes.
I’ve struggled many times throughout my life with feeling left out, whether legitimately or perceived. If there were inside jokes, I often wasn’t included.
However, that’s not true with my husband. And in 25 years of being together, we have plenty to go around. There are things that happened a decade or more ago that still can come up randomly and make us laugh together. Inside jokes are a pretty precious gift, even (and maybe especially) when no one else would find them remotely funny.
18. Take and print photos.
When my husband and I first got married, it was before digital cameras were common and way before phone cameras were around. In fact, a video from the day of our wedding includes a friend of ours talking about his new digital camera and how it holds six pictures!
In our early days we used film cameras. I started a photo album tradition for each year we were married of putting together photos for that year with captions. That meant having the photos printed, the typing, printing and cutting out the captions before putting them together into albums.
While my process has changed, thanks to online photo sites, I still make an album for each year with photos and caption info. I’ve found these to be priceless even after only 20 years. Having recently gone through photos of my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary, I can only say they’ll get more precious with time. I hope one day our kids will be glad to have them, too.
Taking photos of each other and together even when you aren’t social media ready is important. And I’d daresay it’s also important to have some cherished photos just for you and not just to post on social media.
19. Marriage means having a built-in sounding board.
I enjoy being able to bounce ideas off my husband, and he enjoys the same in reverse. Sometimes making both large and small decisions is just easier when you have someone to talk it through with.
We have talked together through major life decisions like having babies and moving. And we regularly talk through very minor decisions like what home project to work on next or what after-school activities our kids can participate in.
20. Marriage gives you a permanent sidekick.
This is one of my favorite parts of marriage. I’ve got a person by my side for always. Sometimes that looks like my husband going with me to a friend’s wedding or me going with him to a family reunion. Other times it looks like him taking over with the kids so I can go to dinner with a friend or I take over so he can play games with friends.
We’ve each gone to events for one another that we didn’t really want to, but it’s always been better being together than apart. We learned early on in our marriage to discern and communicate what activities are important to have each other there and what ones are OK to give a pass. Being honest with each other about what is most important to us has helped us know how to best be there for each other and be able to rely on each other to come along when we ask them to.
At the end of next week, my kids head back to school. I’m not ready for it. I never am.
This year I have a 1st and 4th grader, which seems impossible since they were just born a few months ago. But alas, here we are.
The joys of summer
I really do enjoy having them home for the summer. Yes, there are times that they bicker and it drives me nutty. And other times I long to eat my lunch and read my book in peace for 10 minutes.
But there are also extra snuggle times and belly laughs as they play. There are smiles as they show me what they learned in swimming lessons.
The truth is, I had babies because I wanted them. God blessed me with these two precious lives and has entrusted me to care for them. My children aren’t a burden or annoyance; they are my greatest masterpiece. And I will miss them when school starts.
The good parts of the school year
I will also be glad to get back to a schedule and routine a bit because that’s how my personality is. I know it will be easier to get work done once they aren’t interrupting me. But I still will miss them.
However, another big part of parenthood is putting your children’s needs before your own. In my head, I’d love to just have them home all the time and hang out — and not in a homeschool kind of way. More in a summer-break-we-aren’t-doing-much-productive-many-days kind of way.
That wouldn’t be best for them, though. They are so smart and know so much, yet, they have so very much left to learn. I don’t want to rob them of that.
They love being together and with my husband and me, but they also love being with their friends. They are learning how to navigate friendships, which is important. I don’t want to rob them of that either.
I know I can love on them and pour into them completely, but I also know they are at an awesome school full of adults trained to pour into them in ways I can’t. I don’t want to rob them of that chance to have role models and be challenged by adults other than my husband and me.
How I handle the first day
So that’s why the end of next week, I will put on my excited face, take photos and walk them into school with a grin. I want to give them the world. I want them to learn and grow and continue to make the world a better place in bigger and bigger ways.
I will pray for a sunny day so my sunglasses can hide my watery eyes. I will wave and give hugs and wish them the very best of days. And I will mean every part of it, even as I continue to let them go more and more each year.
They are my heart. They are my babies. And I will miss them when they head back to school, but I also know that’s what is best for them. What’s best for them is what I want most.
Covering them in prayer
I also know I am not leaving them alone. I will cover them in prayer for the new school year. I pray they make and grow friends who are both good to the and good for them. I pray they learn and grow. I pray that they are surrounded by adults who care about them. I pray they are able to navigate friendship issues and handle any stress that comes their way.
I pray that they remember they are never alone and God is always with them. I pray that they proceed with the confidence that comes from being loved so completely by their parents and by God. I pray that they are kind to those around them. I pray that they make good choices and stand up for what they know to be right, even if it isn’t popular.
And, of course, I always pray that God protects them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually everywhere they are.
It’s easier to send them off when I know they aren’t going alone. It’s easier when I know they are covered in prayer. I will still miss them. But I know back to school is good for them.
I am so proud of the people they are continuing to grow into. Sending them back to school is bittersweet like so many things in parenthood. I will miss them and am overwhelmed by how much they are growing up, but I also can’t wait to see what the year has in store, what they’ll learn and more of who they are outside of being my babies.
Part of being a parent is teaching our children. And on days like tomorrow, when we celebrate the 243rd birthday of the United States, I think about what I am teaching my kids about being an American.
Through my years as a mom, I’ve learned that some lessons come through example rather than words. For instance, when we are out and the national anthem, my children see my husband and me stand and put our hands over our hearts. They do the same. It shows respect for our country, flag and all the men and women who have sacrificed so much for our freedom.
Teaching about the sacrifices made for freedom
I will continue to tell them about those men and women. They know that their Poppy got sent to a jungle when he was just out of high school. He went and did his duty and our family is so proud. They will learn even more what all of that means as they get older and learn more about that war.
I have also shared how their great-grandpas, both of whom passed away before my kids were born, served in World War II — one as a solider and one as a medic. We’ve also talked about how their Great-Great-Uncle David gave his life in World War II. They understand this as much as they can at 6 and 9 right now. One day they will understand even more. And I hope that it will continue to make them proud to be Americans, just like has does me.
In school, my children will learn about the Revolutionary and Civil Wars and this country’s history. They’ll learn of the dark things that our country has done as well as the victories. They will eventually learn about how terrorists attacked our country on Sept. 11, 2001. My husband and I will tell them what we were doing and what we remember of that day. And our kids will start to understand why security is so tight at airports and sporting events. They won’t know anything different.
Teaching the good things about America
But, I also want my children to learn more than just war and sacrifice and fear. I want them to learn about all the good things in this country. I want them to understand and appreciate that we have the freedom to say what we want to say, live how we want to live and serve God openly. And I want them to know that it’s OK to not always agree with government leaders (it’s a wonderful freedom) but at the same time, it’s important to always respect the positions they hold.
I want my kiddos to know that they have great opportunities in this country. They can chose to be whatever they want to be when they grow up. They’re not limited by government or societal restrictions.
Teaching them civic duty
I want them to learn the importance of having a voice in the way the country runs through voting. I will continue to tell them the stories of those who fought for the right to vote so they understand the progress that’s been made and needs to be maintained.
They have learned as well that people have been treated poorly in our country based solely on their gender or the color of their skin. We talk about these stories and the importance of remembering that all people are the same and should be treated well no matter what.
I want my children to learn that along with the opportunities and freedoms they have as Americans they also have a responsibility to leave this world a better place than they found it. They have both already made my world better just by existing, but they are also slowly working to improve the world around them as they get older. I want to do everything I can to foster that growth. I know there is so much more they’ll do as they grow up.
Teaching them faith
Above all, I want my kids to thank God for all of these blessings of being an American and all that comes with it. I want them to continue to learn they can also affect change through prayer. If God can move mountains, He can certainly move governments.
We’ve made a start on teaching our kids what it means to be an American and will continue to do so. For this Independence Day, they’ll both dress in red, white and blue. We’ll celebrate by hosting our first gathering at our new house as we cook out for our parents.
We’ll take the kiddos to see fireworks after spraying them down with bug spray and letting them wear glow-in-the-dark bracelets and necklaces. We have a lot for which to be thankful.
Social media can be a breeding ground for mompetition and complaining
The average internet user spends about 2 hours and 22 minutes each day interacting with social media, according to a report on Digital Information World in January 2019. That equals equals 16 hours and 36 minutes each week and nearly 800 hours per year!
That’s a lot of time on social media. It’s definitely a newer frontier considering that Facebook wasn’t even created until 2004 (MySpace was created the year before). Twitter came along in 2006 and Instagram and Pinterest both debuted in 2010.
Social media and mompetition
While social media has a variety of pros and cons, one of the issues it’s definitely enhanced is mompetition — mom competition. When I was a kid back in the 1980s and 1990s, my mom’s biggest source of mompetition came primarily from the moms of other kids in our school.
Now, we moms compete with moms everywhere. We log onto Facebook and see how someone we’ve never met across the country has a toddler who can ride a unicycle while our toddler trips walking to her tricycle.
Or we fire up Instagram and see the happy beach family vacation a mom a state away is on while we blow up a small kiddie pool and wrangle arguing children who are trying to walk through the house dripping wet.
And don’t even get me started with Pinterest. I love Pinterest, but it can definitely be a huge pressure cooker for moms. You don’t have to be on it long to learn that every other mom on the planet has a picture perfect clean house that only takes 5 seconds a day to maintain and children who spend their summers doing intense housework, extensive schoolwork and hours of community service before spending only 15 minutes of screen time a week on educational apps.
Of course I’m exaggerating — a little. But, mompetition certainly has grown with the use of social media. Even if we spend much less time on social media than the average user, it’s easy to get sucked into the comparison game. It’s easy to feel mompetition. And it’s even easier to throw our own highlight reel up on social media and feed the fire.
Social media and complaining
Then there’s the other side of social media. There are the posts that are perpetually negative. There are the posts that poke fun at other parents or even children. Sarcasm is found in abundance on social media. Snarkiness abounds.
While I do appreciate jokes about the challenges of parenthood, some can go too far. They can keep us focusing on what’s hard about motherhood and not all the loads and loads of good stuff. They can make us feel irritated and frustrated instead of uplifted and encouraged.
The purpose of Families with Grace
And all of this is part of why I created Families with Grace. I want the FWG blog, social media outlets and general community to be a safe place to be honest about struggles. My goal is to be real. However, you also won’t find posts about how frustrating my children are or how much my husband annoys me.
Because while those feelings are real sometimes, they aren’t the feelings I have the vast majority of the time, and I don’t want to dwell on them. I also, though, don’t want to give the impression that I know everything and my family is perfect. I don’t want you to think that I always talk to my husband and children with grace and patience. I don’t. I fall short.
I do keep trying, though. That’s the journey I want us to take together. Let’s try together to be better and do better for our families — not just try impress one another. Let’s find ways to keep our priorities in the correct order: God, spouse, children.
Because no matter what someone posts on their highlight reel of social media, the real issue is whether they are doing their best for their family. If I try to deceive you into thinking my children, home, marriage and even Christian walk are perfect, I’m only fanning the flames of mompetition. I’m only working to make you feel worse.
If I try to commiserate with you about how awful everything is in my life, I’m only fanning the flames of griping. And I’m making you feel worse.
But if I share with you the lessons I’m learning through my mess and imperfections, then maybe you’ll remember that not all of us are perfect. Maybe then you’ll give yourself some grace and get some ideas for what could work in your own family. My prayer is that God will use some of my words to work in your heart.
Learning to be more like God
I love what I do. I love writing. I love being a mom. I love being a wife. I definitely love Jesus and His redeeming love. But, aside from Jesus, I don’t fully love all of those things all the time. I’m doing my best. When I fail and fall as I do, God gives me grace and pulls me up and dusts me off.
He doesn’t roll His eyes. He doesn’t post on Facebook about how annoying I am. (Can you imagine if God was on social media?!) God just loves me and gives me all the grace I need.
His example is I want to draw from in my own life as a wife and mom. That’s the image I want to portray in my life and on social media. Life isn’t perfect. It’s messy and scary. It’s beautiful and good. And it is so very much more than what shows up in our social media news feeds.
Join me on the journey to creating homes filled with grace, love and faith. Come along and learn from the mistakes I make and lessons I learn. I can’t promise you that I’ll be perfect, but I know the One who is. God never fails, He always loves and I want nothing more than to honor Him in my words whether they are coming out of my mouth, posted on my blog and typed into my social media accounts.
What if we treated each other with more kindness and compassion?
Recently, my kids were telling me about how someone they thought was a cranky person had done something nice, and they were shocked. We chatted a bit more and I told them to remember that you never know someone’s story. You never know what has made them like they are.
I keep thinking about that conversation. We don’t need to excuse or accept bad behavior. But, this world could use so much more grace. A few years ago, I was driving with my grandma in the car. Someone pulled out in front of me, and I had to slam on my brakes. I honked at them. My grandma admonished me telling me they may be on their way to the hospital with a loved one. I pointed out they were going the wrong direction.
However, just because they weren’t heading toward the hospital didn’t
mean they weren’t having an awful day. When I think back over my life to the
days that were the worst and I was heartbroken, I don’t know how much attention
I paid while driving, so maybe having some grace for other drivers isn’t such a
bad thing.
We’ve all heard platitudes and reminders to be kind because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. It’s easy to gloss over that or roll our eyes or certainly not live it out. But, imagine what the world would be like if we lived that way and people extended grace to each other freely.
What if we let a frazzled mom with a crying toddler checkout in front of us at Target and waited an extra 10 minutes? What if we let another car go first at a stop sign? What if we took the time to actually listen to the older gentleman in the grocery store who just needed someone to talk to? What if we were just plain kind? What if we modeled Jesus everywhere we went? Isn’t that what loving your neighbor ultimately means? Shouldn’t we have patience for one other and give grace to those around us?
I think about how different this world would be if people just tried to understand one another instead of being so internally focused. If everyone walked around wearing a sign telling you all of their struggles, you’d be more likely to show them compassion and grace.
That older lady who knocked into you with her shopping cart and didn’t apologize may have just gotten a cancer diagnosis seven months after burying her husband. That child having a meltdown in the middle of a restaurant (or your own house!) may have had an incredibly hard day at school and is struggling to make friends. People need grace, because not one of us is perfect.
And I would be remiss to not mention that some people are just jerks for no reason. I’ve encountered them, and I’m sure you have, too. There isn’t an acceptable reason for truly bad behavior. But that doesn’t mean the majority of people aren’t good. That doesn’t mean we should stop being kind and extending grace.
You never know if your one act of kindness or grace may change someone’s life for the better. At the very least, it will brighten their day. What are some small ways you can show grace and kindness this week? Join me in seeking them out, living them out and starting to change the world for the better!
Mom guilt intensifies when summer break rolls around!
This summer, my kids are 6 and 9. It’s also the first summer I’ve had very much work to do in nearly a decade. With my youngest starting kindergarten last school year, I decided to accept more freelance writing and editing projects like I did full-time before I had children.
All of this combines to me working to find a good balance this summer break between getting work and responsibilities done and hanging out with my kids.
For some reason, parents of my generation tend to feel responsible for entertaining our children. That sounds silly and most of us would say that isn’t a bit true, because we don’t really intend it to be that way. Yet, here we are saddled with mom guilt.
Feeling the guilt
Even though I don’t feel like it’s my job to entertain my children, I feel guilty when I don’t. It isn’t my job to be their playmate or to make sure that they have something to keep them busy or engaged all the time. We are very intentional, in fact, about keeping our schedule from getting too busy so that our kids can have downtime on their own.
So feeling mom guilt for saying no to playing with my children because I have work to do, chores to do or maybe just don’t feel like playing at the moment seems crazy. But, it happens to me and I’d guess it happens to most moms.
Because the flip side is that we know our babies are growing up. My kids are different this summer than they were last summer. I know that all too soon they won’t want me to play with them. Much sooner than I want, they won’t even want toys to play with any longer. So I don’t want to miss a moment.
Perspective on what they really need
Yet, isn’t it important for my kids to see that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that I don’t revolve around them? It is. I know it is. I know my own parents didn’t spend their summers playing with and entertaining me every single moment.
My dad was busy working long days. My mom was home with us on summer break, and she still had household chores and such to do. I remember spending hours playing school or Barbies or even library in my bedroom. I remember making up dance routines. I remember having really good summers!
There were certainly times that my parents played with me and did things with me. They were (and still are!) good parents. But I don’t know that they felt obligated to make sure I was entertained.
Figuring out the balance
And that’s the balance I’m trying to sort out. How do I make their childhood special and memorable without making my life all about theirs? How do I make sure the see what good work ethic looks like? How do I not miss a moment? How do I enjoy them and not make them feel like a burden or distraction to my work?
It’s a tricky balance. Honestly, I’ve been praying about it since the kids were in the last couple of weeks of school. Because I don’t want to get through their childhoods and regret that I didn’t spend more time with them.
This summer I am going to be intentional about making my kids figure out what to do with their own time a couple of hours each day while I work from home. But I am also going to show them that they are a priority and take time to do fun things with them.
I am going to be there. We are going to make memories in the small moments. I don’t know what they will think when they’re grown up. I hope they can look back and say they had good summers. I am almost positive they aren’t going to look back and say, “I wish my mom entertained me more.”
All they want and need is my love. And that is the easy part. My love is something they will always have completely every moment of every day. That doesn’t require a bit of mom guilt!
Joking about the incompetence of fathers is damaging our families
We’ve all seen the classic sitcom bit where the mom goes away for a couple of days and leaves the dad in charge. She comes home to chaos and a frazzled husband. That story line has also been used in commercials and all sorts of other ways.
The subliminal takeaway from those scenarios: dads just aren’t as competent as moms. They don’t cut it. And, eventually, they shouldn’t even try.
Complimenting dads for doing what they’re supposed to
We compliment dads for doing things like taking their children shopping or to school. My husband once got a compliment from a grandfather who had seen him taking our kids to school every morning. Why is it that dads doing what they’re supposed to be doing for their children is seen as so out of the ordinary?
I daresay it’s because of the message we get from media, and it’s time for that message to stop.
What dad should be doing
I grew up in a home where both my parents did household chores, especially once my mom started working outside of the home when my brother and I got older. Now both my parents are retired, and my dad continues to do things like vacuum the house and wash clothes.
I didn’t expect anything different when I got married. Then when our daughter was born in 2009, I didn’t even think to question whether my husband would be hands-on and involved with her. Why wouldn’t he? He’s her dad.
Old school attitudes about dads
But, that attitude isn’t always the case. I also very clearly remember an older relative advising a cousin who had just had a new baby not to leave the baby alone with her husband for a while because he was a man and wouldn’t know what to do.
The reality of modern dads
It’s just not true. My husband figured some things out about our babies before I did. He jumped in and changed diapers right from the beginning. We approached parenting just like we do life: as a team.
When my son was a newborn, my husband was driving 60 miles one-way to work every day. He’d stay up as late as he could to help me manage our unhappy little guy. (Our son didn’t sleep much at all for the first three months.) One night in my exhaustion, I went to change his diaper and found a note my husband had left for me reminding me to wake him up if I needed a break.
That’s far from incompetence. That’s a father. That’s love. And that’s what dads do — or should do. That’s part of a healthy family.
The effect on our families
Yet, we treat them like they don’t know what they’re doing with kids. We expect dads will fail and not do something as good as we do. We overly criticize them for doing things differently. We have to stop because that is only harming dads and our children as a result! We are damaging our families by not trusting dads to parent.
People usually live up to the expectations set for them. So if we are expecting dads to fail, eventually that’s what they’re going to do. Or at the very least, they will stop trying if every time they do something they get ridiculed or criticized.
Embracing the differences
Does my husband do things the same way I do? Nope. I usually pack the kids’ lunches during the school year, but sometimes he does instead. He doesn’t always use the containers I use, he cuts the sandwiches differently and sends more grapes than I do. But he is still making them a nutritious lunch. And it’s completely fine.
My husband plays with our kids differently as well. I’m thankful for that. We have different strengths and weaknesses and work together to raise our kiddos. It’s a team effort through and through. We need to recognize the important role that good fathers play.
Set the right expectations
We need to expect all fathers to step up to the plate and do what they’re supposed to be doing. I look around and see all sorts of good dads in my generation. My husband is awesome, but he’s also not alone. I see dads bringing their kids to birthday parties, playing with their kids on the playground and showing up to every school event.
Dads aren’t incompetent buffoons. We need to stop cracking jokes at their expense. We need to respect their role in child-rearing as much as we do mothers’ roles. We can compliment dads and moms alike for the good job their doing, but not just for the mere sake of showing up like they should be anyway.
My message to all the dads out there in the thick of it with their kids packing lunches, taking them to school and practices, figuring out how to put in ponytails and patiently going over sight words: keep up the good work! We know you’re not incompetent and will stop making jokes to the contrary.
Frozen dough and precooked bacon make this bread as easy as it is delicious!
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Sometimes I try recipes and they flop. Other times, they become a staple. This is one such recipe. I first came across it way back in 2001 in a magazine called “Quick Cooking” that was put out by “Taste of Home.” The magazine may no longer exist, but this recipe remains in my family.
This recipe is the one I make for my husband when I owe him something — like when he overhauls my technology or sets up a website for me. He is a technical genius. I am not so much. I can’t come close to affording his actual hourly rate, but fortunately for me, he accepts this bacon ranch cheese bread as payment.
Most of the time, I make it just for him, but it also works nicely for a carry-in dinner. The best part is that it starts with frozen bread dough and pre-cooked bacon, so it is pretty darn easy.
Of course you can use your own bread dough recipe and cook bacon fresh if you want. Back when I was first making this recipe, I had no clue how to even make my own bread dough. Nowadays I do, but I still go with the frozen for this recipe.
It’s up to you whether to cook your bacon first or thaw your bread dough. I usually cook the bacon first in the microwave. I get it good and crispy then set it aside while I do the dough. The benefit to making the bacon first is that it has time to cool before you have to crumble it up later in the recipe. I’ve done it both ways and have nearly burnt my fingertips breaking up hot bacon!
After your bacon is all nice and crispy, it’s time to thaw the bread dough. When I first started making this bread, I assumed you thawed bread dough much like you thaw anything else. So I put it in the microwave on the setting to thaw for meat. I set it for 1 pound. It’s not the correct way to thaw bread dough, but it works for this recipe. Seriously. You don’t have to plan way ahead or anything. Thaw it in the microwave like you would anything else. You could also leave it out at room temperature for a few hours.
While your dough is thawing, go ahead and turn your oven on to 200-degrees to preheat for dough rising.
Once your dough is thawed, put it on a cutting board and roll it out to about 1/2-inch thick, so it looks something like this:
Next you brush it with 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil. Then it’s time to cut it into about 1-inch squares. You can use a dough cutter for this, but I am a fan of just using a really sharp knife. I love ceramic knives because they really do stay sharp! And your pieces don’t have to be exactly 1-inch in size, but they should be close in size so they all bake at the same rate.
Next you put your bread dough pieces into a bowl. I use my glass batter bowl with a lid, because you have to cover it and shake it. You could cover a bowl with plastic wrap if you want also.
Add the other 1 tablespoon of oil, cheese, bacon and ranch dressing mix to the dough in the bowl. I’ve tried adding the items in various orders and it really doesn’t seem to matter what order I add the ingredients. It will look something like this:
Cover the bowl with its lid or plastic wrap and shake it all around so the pieces get coated. If your kids are helping you, they love shaking the bowl — or at least mine do! When you’re finished, it should look like this:
Next, prepare a cookie sheet. You can spray it with non-stick cooking spray or do what I do and use Reynolds Non-Stick Aluminum Foil. I love the stuff. I use it for recipes like this so I have have easy clean-up and even use it by itself to serve as a baking sheet for smaller frozen pizzas. Parchment paper would also work.
Put the dough onto the prepared baking sheet. I usually just dump it in the center and then spread it out a bit into a large oval shape.
Cover the bread (I usually use foil to do this.) Put the bread into your oven preheated to 200 and turn off the oven. Let the bread rise for about 30 minutes until its doubled. Turn the oven to 350-degrees and once it is at temperature, remove the foil from the top of the bread (but hang onto it for later!).
Bake it 15 minutes then cover the bread with foil and bake for an additional 5 to 10 minutes or until golden brown. It will look like this:
So good! You can serve it warm or at room temperature. My husband likes to dip it in honey, but you can also dip it in ranch dressing or just eat it as is.
Partially cook bacon; drain on paper towels. (I use the pre-cooked bacon and cook it in the microwave until crispy.)
Roll out dough to 1/2-inch thickness; brush with 1 tablespoon of oil.
Cut into 1-inch pieces; place in a large bowl.
Add the bacon, cheese and dressing mix and remaining oil; toss to coat.
Arrange pieces in a 9×5-inch oval on a baking sheet lined with Reynold’s Non-Stick Aluminum Foil, layering as needed. (You can also grease your baking sheet or use parchment paper; I like the non-stick foil best for this.)
Cover and let rise in a warm place for 30 minutes or until doubled. (I turn my oven to 200-degrees while I’m preparing the bread. Then I turn it off and let the bread sit in the slightly warmed over to double.)
Bake at 350-degrees for 15 min. Cover with foil; bake 5-10 min. longer or until golden brown.
Accepting advice from the person we’re married to can be challenging!
Affiliate links are used in this post; if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.
This post first appeared on my former blog in 2014. Its message still applies. While I continue to get better at accepting unsolicited advice from my husband, I am still a work in progress!
It happened this morning. I was in the kitchen making some homemade bread, which in and of itself sounds impressive, right? Add in that I was doing so while the toddler randomly swirled around my feet whining and while keeping track of eggs boiling on the stove for tonight’s chef salad dinner sounds even more impressive, I’m sure.
My daughter was at the table playing. My husband was on the couch in the dining room checking work e-mails and helping to keep the roaming toddler from eating things out of the trashcan. I got the bread going in my beloved stand mixer and set the timer for eight minutes to let the dough get worked around in the mixer. And that’s when it happened.
“Is the mixer supposed to jump around like that?” my husband asked.
I almost rolled my eyes. THIS was my domain. I was the one who was the expert. After all, I’d had the mixer just over a year and had read at least six bread recipes on Pinterest. I’d heard about stand mixers jumping around while kneading dough.
“Yes,” I said. “It did this last time, too.”
A minute later he piped up with, “Does it lock? Do you have it locked?”
Another silent sigh from me. “Yes, it locks, but it’s not locked.”
“What I’m reading online says you’re supposed to lock the top down.”
Hhmmm. OK. I flipped the switch. “Now it’s locked,” I said.
And I noticed the mixer did settle down a bit. My husband went on to tell me that he had read some tips. He was right on this, even though I had not sought his advice.
A moment later my phone dinged with new e-mail. I checked it to see if it was a source I’ve been waiting to hear from for an article. Nope. It was an e-mail from my husband with links to a couple of sites with helpful tips about my Kitchenaid mixer that I love so dearly.
“You sent me an e-mail about the mixer?” I asked, incredulously.
I was trying to remind myself to be grateful for the accurate albeit unsolicited advice. In my head, I was thinking more along the lines of, “Back off, buddy. THIS is MY domain. Do I come into your office and tell you how to test the security of that company’s network?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I found some good information. From what I read, you could actually break your stand mixer and I know you wouldn’t be happy about that.”
I gritted my teeth. He was right. Dang it! “Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.”
I’ll pretend like I was gracious in that response. But the fact that he then looked at me and informed me he saw right through me to know I was bristling will tell you that my tone did not match my words.
We get all sorts of unsolicited advice from a variety of sources. If you’re a parent, it comes in from the beginning. Everybody and their brother tells you ways to get your baby to sleep better, eat better, poo better and on and on the list goes. From outside sources, it’s easy enough to be polite and then move on. But inside sources, like our spouses, offering unsolicited advice can be much tougher to handle.
This isn’t the first time my husband has given me unsolicited advice and I’m sure it won’t be the last. And while my response today wasn’t super stellar, it was at least tempered by the fact that I know his advice to be sound and I know it to be coming from a good place. Men like to fix things. He likes to help me fix things.
And he knows me quite well. I have done many tasks throughout our marriage and my life that I’ve made more difficult than I need to. He’s swooped in and saved me multiple times in the past.
I’m learning to listen. I’m learning to try and be more grateful on the outside in hopes that it will follow on the inside. I’ve also learned that I do eventually feel grateful on the inside. At the moment of the advice, I don’t. I feel criticized and annoyed. But later on, I realize that my life has been improved as a result of this advice. Because, shockingly enough, I don’t actually know everything!
I’ve learned this with parenting alongside my husband as well. He’s found tricks to help with the kids that I haven’t (and vice versa). Between our daughter’s and son’s births, I learned to listen better and not be irritated with him. After all, he was the first to figure out what was going on with our daughter’s feeding issues.
He has good information. My husband is a smart man who thinks outside the box and is tenacious to come up with solutions and easier ways to do things. This is part of what I love about him. This is part of what makes him such a great husband and life partner.
In fact, I’ve learned to seek his advice in areas of my life that I hadn’t thought to early on because I know he’s so good at coming up with awesome solutions. But when advice comes at me when I’m not looking for it and I think I know the best way to do something, then I get defensive. (And did I mention that I am also a bit stubborn?)
I’m working to accept unsolicited advice as graciously as if I had asked for the help. Later today, I will tell my husband that I am sincerely grateful for his tip about the mixer. It makes sense. His suggestions worked better and if it saves my beloved mixer from harm, that’s even better. I do appreciate it.
And step by step, maybe I’ll get better at being more grateful sooner than later. Talk to me in another 20 years and we’ll see. I hope I make more progress. If not, perhaps I’ll ask my husband for his advice on how to do so!
With advice from my husband, my stand mixer is still working well five years later. I love it so much! Read more about my love for my stand mixer here:
Be sure to check out some of my favorite recipes I use my stand mixer for!
