Stacey A. Shannon is a freelance journalist and blogger who has been published internationally. She's also a Christian, a wife and a mom of two school-aged children. She started Families with Grace in 2019 to encourage Christian moms as they create homes filled with grace, love and faith.
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Mom guilt intensifies when summer break rolls around!
This summer, my kids are 6 and 9. It’s also the first summer I’ve had very much work to do in nearly a decade. With my youngest starting kindergarten last school year, I decided to accept more freelance writing and editing projects like I did full-time before I had children.
All of this combines to me working to find a good balance this summer break between getting work and responsibilities done and hanging out with my kids.
For some reason, parents of my generation tend to feel responsible for entertaining our children. That sounds silly and most of us would say that isn’t a bit true, because we don’t really intend it to be that way. Yet, here we are saddled with mom guilt.
Feeling the guilt
Even though I don’t feel like it’s my job to entertain my children, I feel guilty when I don’t. It isn’t my job to be their playmate or to make sure that they have something to keep them busy or engaged all the time. We are very intentional, in fact, about keeping our schedule from getting too busy so that our kids can have downtime on their own.
So feeling mom guilt for saying no to playing with my children because I have work to do, chores to do or maybe just don’t feel like playing at the moment seems crazy. But, it happens to me and I’d guess it happens to most moms.
Because the flip side is that we know our babies are growing up. My kids are different this summer than they were last summer. I know that all too soon they won’t want me to play with them. Much sooner than I want, they won’t even want toys to play with any longer. So I don’t want to miss a moment.
Perspective on what they really need
Yet, isn’t it important for my kids to see that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that I don’t revolve around them? It is. I know it is. I know my own parents didn’t spend their summers playing with and entertaining me every single moment.
My dad was busy working long days. My mom was home with us on summer break, and she still had household chores and such to do. I remember spending hours playing school or Barbies or even library in my bedroom. I remember making up dance routines. I remember having really good summers!
There were certainly times that my parents played with me and did things with me. They were (and still are!) good parents. But I don’t know that they felt obligated to make sure I was entertained.
Figuring out the balance
And that’s the balance I’m trying to sort out. How do I make their childhood special and memorable without making my life all about theirs? How do I make sure the see what good work ethic looks like? How do I not miss a moment? How do I enjoy them and not make them feel like a burden or distraction to my work?
It’s a tricky balance. Honestly, I’ve been praying about it since the kids were in the last couple of weeks of school. Because I don’t want to get through their childhoods and regret that I didn’t spend more time with them.
This summer I am going to be intentional about making my kids figure out what to do with their own time a couple of hours each day while I work from home. But I am also going to show them that they are a priority and take time to do fun things with them.
I am going to be there. We are going to make memories in the small moments. I don’t know what they will think when they’re grown up. I hope they can look back and say they had good summers. I am almost positive they aren’t going to look back and say, “I wish my mom entertained me more.”
All they want and need is my love. And that is the easy part. My love is something they will always have completely every moment of every day. That doesn’t require a bit of mom guilt!
Joking about the incompetence of fathers is damaging our families
We’ve all seen the classic sitcom bit where the mom goes away for a couple of days and leaves the dad in charge. She comes home to chaos and a frazzled husband. That story line has also been used in commercials and all sorts of other ways.
The subliminal takeaway from those scenarios: dads just aren’t as competent as moms. They don’t cut it. And, eventually, they shouldn’t even try.
Complimenting dads for doing what they’re supposed to
We compliment dads for doing things like taking their children shopping or to school. My husband once got a compliment from a grandfather who had seen him taking our kids to school every morning. Why is it that dads doing what they’re supposed to be doing for their children is seen as so out of the ordinary?
I daresay it’s because of the message we get from media, and it’s time for that message to stop.
What dad should be doing
I grew up in a home where both my parents did household chores, especially once my mom started working outside of the home when my brother and I got older. Now both my parents are retired, and my dad continues to do things like vacuum the house and wash clothes.
I didn’t expect anything different when I got married. Then when our daughter was born in 2009, I didn’t even think to question whether my husband would be hands-on and involved with her. Why wouldn’t he? He’s her dad.
Old school attitudes about dads
But, that attitude isn’t always the case. I also very clearly remember an older relative advising a cousin who had just had a new baby not to leave the baby alone with her husband for a while because he was a man and wouldn’t know what to do.
The reality of modern dads
It’s just not true. My husband figured some things out about our babies before I did. He jumped in and changed diapers right from the beginning. We approached parenting just like we do life: as a team.
When my son was a newborn, my husband was driving 60 miles one-way to work every day. He’d stay up as late as he could to help me manage our unhappy little guy. (Our son didn’t sleep much at all for the first three months.) One night in my exhaustion, I went to change his diaper and found a note my husband had left for me reminding me to wake him up if I needed a break.
That’s far from incompetence. That’s a father. That’s love. And that’s what dads do — or should do. That’s part of a healthy family.
The effect on our families
Yet, we treat them like they don’t know what they’re doing with kids. We expect dads will fail and not do something as good as we do. We overly criticize them for doing things differently. We have to stop because that is only harming dads and our children as a result! We are damaging our families by not trusting dads to parent.
People usually live up to the expectations set for them. So if we are expecting dads to fail, eventually that’s what they’re going to do. Or at the very least, they will stop trying if every time they do something they get ridiculed or criticized.
Embracing the differences
Does my husband do things the same way I do? Nope. I usually pack the kids’ lunches during the school year, but sometimes he does instead. He doesn’t always use the containers I use, he cuts the sandwiches differently and sends more grapes than I do. But he is still making them a nutritious lunch. And it’s completely fine.
My husband plays with our kids differently as well. I’m thankful for that. We have different strengths and weaknesses and work together to raise our kiddos. It’s a team effort through and through. We need to recognize the important role that good fathers play.
Set the right expectations
We need to expect all fathers to step up to the plate and do what they’re supposed to be doing. I look around and see all sorts of good dads in my generation. My husband is awesome, but he’s also not alone. I see dads bringing their kids to birthday parties, playing with their kids on the playground and showing up to every school event.
Dads aren’t incompetent buffoons. We need to stop cracking jokes at their expense. We need to respect their role in child-rearing as much as we do mothers’ roles. We can compliment dads and moms alike for the good job their doing, but not just for the mere sake of showing up like they should be anyway.
My message to all the dads out there in the thick of it with their kids packing lunches, taking them to school and practices, figuring out how to put in ponytails and patiently going over sight words: keep up the good work! We know you’re not incompetent and will stop making jokes to the contrary.
Frozen dough and precooked bacon make this bread as easy as it is delicious!
Affiliate links are used in this post; if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.
Sometimes I try recipes and they flop. Other times, they become a staple. This is one such recipe. I first came across it way back in 2001 in a magazine called “Quick Cooking” that was put out by “Taste of Home.” The magazine may no longer exist, but this recipe remains in my family.
This recipe is the one I make for my husband when I owe him something — like when he overhauls my technology or sets up a website for me. He is a technical genius. I am not so much. I can’t come close to affording his actual hourly rate, but fortunately for me, he accepts this bacon ranch cheese bread as payment.
Most of the time, I make it just for him, but it also works nicely for a carry-in dinner. The best part is that it starts with frozen bread dough and pre-cooked bacon, so it is pretty darn easy.
Of course you can use your own bread dough recipe and cook bacon fresh if you want. Back when I was first making this recipe, I had no clue how to even make my own bread dough. Nowadays I do, but I still go with the frozen for this recipe.
It’s up to you whether to cook your bacon first or thaw your bread dough. I usually cook the bacon first in the microwave. I get it good and crispy then set it aside while I do the dough. The benefit to making the bacon first is that it has time to cool before you have to crumble it up later in the recipe. I’ve done it both ways and have nearly burnt my fingertips breaking up hot bacon!
After your bacon is all nice and crispy, it’s time to thaw the bread dough. When I first started making this bread, I assumed you thawed bread dough much like you thaw anything else. So I put it in the microwave on the setting to thaw for meat. I set it for 1 pound. It’s not the correct way to thaw bread dough, but it works for this recipe. Seriously. You don’t have to plan way ahead or anything. Thaw it in the microwave like you would anything else. You could also leave it out at room temperature for a few hours.
While your dough is thawing, go ahead and turn your oven on to 200-degrees to preheat for dough rising.
Once your dough is thawed, put it on a cutting board and roll it out to about 1/2-inch thick, so it looks something like this:
Next you brush it with 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil. Then it’s time to cut it into about 1-inch squares. You can use a dough cutter for this, but I am a fan of just using a really sharp knife. I love ceramic knives because they really do stay sharp! And your pieces don’t have to be exactly 1-inch in size, but they should be close in size so they all bake at the same rate.
Next you put your bread dough pieces into a bowl. I use my glass batter bowl with a lid, because you have to cover it and shake it. You could cover a bowl with plastic wrap if you want also.
Add the other 1 tablespoon of oil, cheese, bacon and ranch dressing mix to the dough in the bowl. I’ve tried adding the items in various orders and it really doesn’t seem to matter what order I add the ingredients. It will look something like this:
Cover the bowl with its lid or plastic wrap and shake it all around so the pieces get coated. If your kids are helping you, they love shaking the bowl — or at least mine do! When you’re finished, it should look like this:
Next, prepare a cookie sheet. You can spray it with non-stick cooking spray or do what I do and use Reynolds Non-Stick Aluminum Foil. I love the stuff. I use it for recipes like this so I have have easy clean-up and even use it by itself to serve as a baking sheet for smaller frozen pizzas. Parchment paper would also work.
Put the dough onto the prepared baking sheet. I usually just dump it in the center and then spread it out a bit into a large oval shape.
Cover the bread (I usually use foil to do this.) Put the bread into your oven preheated to 200 and turn off the oven. Let the bread rise for about 30 minutes until its doubled. Turn the oven to 350-degrees and once it is at temperature, remove the foil from the top of the bread (but hang onto it for later!).
Bake it 15 minutes then cover the bread with foil and bake for an additional 5 to 10 minutes or until golden brown. It will look like this:
So good! You can serve it warm or at room temperature. My husband likes to dip it in honey, but you can also dip it in ranch dressing or just eat it as is.
Partially cook bacon; drain on paper towels. (I use the pre-cooked bacon and cook it in the microwave until crispy.)
Roll out dough to 1/2-inch thickness; brush with 1 tablespoon of oil.
Cut into 1-inch pieces; place in a large bowl.
Add the bacon, cheese and dressing mix and remaining oil; toss to coat.
Arrange pieces in a 9×5-inch oval on a baking sheet lined with Reynold’s Non-Stick Aluminum Foil, layering as needed. (You can also grease your baking sheet or use parchment paper; I like the non-stick foil best for this.)
Cover and let rise in a warm place for 30 minutes or until doubled. (I turn my oven to 200-degrees while I’m preparing the bread. Then I turn it off and let the bread sit in the slightly warmed over to double.)
Bake at 350-degrees for 15 min. Cover with foil; bake 5-10 min. longer or until golden brown.
Accepting advice from the person we’re married to can be challenging!
Affiliate links are used in this post; if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.
This post first appeared on my former blog in 2014. Its message still applies. While I continue to get better at accepting unsolicited advice from my husband, I am still a work in progress!
It happened this morning. I was in the kitchen making some homemade bread, which in and of itself sounds impressive, right? Add in that I was doing so while the toddler randomly swirled around my feet whining and while keeping track of eggs boiling on the stove for tonight’s chef salad dinner sounds even more impressive, I’m sure.
My daughter was at the table playing. My husband was on the couch in the dining room checking work e-mails and helping to keep the roaming toddler from eating things out of the trashcan. I got the bread going in my beloved stand mixer and set the timer for eight minutes to let the dough get worked around in the mixer. And that’s when it happened.
“Is the mixer supposed to jump around like that?” my husband asked.
I almost rolled my eyes. THIS was my domain. I was the one who was the expert. After all, I’d had the mixer just over a year and had read at least six bread recipes on Pinterest. I’d heard about stand mixers jumping around while kneading dough.
“Yes,” I said. “It did this last time, too.”
A minute later he piped up with, “Does it lock? Do you have it locked?”
Another silent sigh from me. “Yes, it locks, but it’s not locked.”
“What I’m reading online says you’re supposed to lock the top down.”
Hhmmm. OK. I flipped the switch. “Now it’s locked,” I said.
And I noticed the mixer did settle down a bit. My husband went on to tell me that he had read some tips. He was right on this, even though I had not sought his advice.
A moment later my phone dinged with new e-mail. I checked it to see if it was a source I’ve been waiting to hear from for an article. Nope. It was an e-mail from my husband with links to a couple of sites with helpful tips about my Kitchenaid mixer that I love so dearly.
“You sent me an e-mail about the mixer?” I asked, incredulously.
I was trying to remind myself to be grateful for the accurate albeit unsolicited advice. In my head, I was thinking more along the lines of, “Back off, buddy. THIS is MY domain. Do I come into your office and tell you how to test the security of that company’s network?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I found some good information. From what I read, you could actually break your stand mixer and I know you wouldn’t be happy about that.”
I gritted my teeth. He was right. Dang it! “Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.”
I’ll pretend like I was gracious in that response. But the fact that he then looked at me and informed me he saw right through me to know I was bristling will tell you that my tone did not match my words.
We get all sorts of unsolicited advice from a variety of sources. If you’re a parent, it comes in from the beginning. Everybody and their brother tells you ways to get your baby to sleep better, eat better, poo better and on and on the list goes. From outside sources, it’s easy enough to be polite and then move on. But inside sources, like our spouses, offering unsolicited advice can be much tougher to handle.
This isn’t the first time my husband has given me unsolicited advice and I’m sure it won’t be the last. And while my response today wasn’t super stellar, it was at least tempered by the fact that I know his advice to be sound and I know it to be coming from a good place. Men like to fix things. He likes to help me fix things.
And he knows me quite well. I have done many tasks throughout our marriage and my life that I’ve made more difficult than I need to. He’s swooped in and saved me multiple times in the past.
I’m learning to listen. I’m learning to try and be more grateful on the outside in hopes that it will follow on the inside. I’ve also learned that I do eventually feel grateful on the inside. At the moment of the advice, I don’t. I feel criticized and annoyed. But later on, I realize that my life has been improved as a result of this advice. Because, shockingly enough, I don’t actually know everything!
I’ve learned this with parenting alongside my husband as well. He’s found tricks to help with the kids that I haven’t (and vice versa). Between our daughter’s and son’s births, I learned to listen better and not be irritated with him. After all, he was the first to figure out what was going on with our daughter’s feeding issues.
He has good information. My husband is a smart man who thinks outside the box and is tenacious to come up with solutions and easier ways to do things. This is part of what I love about him. This is part of what makes him such a great husband and life partner.
In fact, I’ve learned to seek his advice in areas of my life that I hadn’t thought to early on because I know he’s so good at coming up with awesome solutions. But when advice comes at me when I’m not looking for it and I think I know the best way to do something, then I get defensive. (And did I mention that I am also a bit stubborn?)
I’m working to accept unsolicited advice as graciously as if I had asked for the help. Later today, I will tell my husband that I am sincerely grateful for his tip about the mixer. It makes sense. His suggestions worked better and if it saves my beloved mixer from harm, that’s even better. I do appreciate it.
And step by step, maybe I’ll get better at being more grateful sooner than later. Talk to me in another 20 years and we’ll see. I hope I make more progress. If not, perhaps I’ll ask my husband for his advice on how to do so!
With advice from my husband, my stand mixer is still working well five years later. I love it so much! Read more about my love for my stand mixer here:
Be sure to check out some of my favorite recipes I use my stand mixer for!
Parenting with grace for who your kids are right now
Affiliate links are used in this post; if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.
Last weekend, my in-laws had my kiddos over for the day. My husband and I did some work around the house. Then we went to a late-afternoon movie. My husband likes the John Wick movies. I don’t enjoy the violence in them, but I love movie popcorn, so I was convinced to go along.
As we were waiting for the movie to start, we heard parents with a toddler a couple of rows behind us. We talked about whether they had gone into the wrong theater and didn’t realize it. When they were still there through previews, which included a few for horror movies that had me looking away, we whispered to each other whether we should tell the manager. Because based on the previews alone they had to know they weren’t seeing a children’s movie.
We decided that since the movie is rated R and says you can’t go to see it without a parent’s permission, there wasn’t anything a manager could even do. The parents were clearly giving their child permission to be there even though the child wasn’t even old enough to need her own movie ticket.
Throughout the entire movie, until about 15 minutes before it ended, we heard this little girl. She wasn’t being disruptive, but she was being a typical 2- or 3-year-old who wanted to chat, play and not be in her seat. The mom finally took her out just before the movie ended.
I closed my eyes or looked away for a good portion of the movie. It bothered me all the more that a toddler was seeing these scenes and hearing some of the things being said. Part way through the movie, I whispered to my husband that I just wanted to go get the little girl and take her out to the hallway to play as I heard her parents continue to shush her and tell her to sit and be quiet. (It really couldn’t have been a good experience for any of them!)
I do my best to not judge other parents. I understand parents have different styles, personalities and parenting priorities. I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt and even assume they are doing the best they can, but this situation bothered me immensely. I’ve thought through various scenarios and can’t come up with one good reason to take a toddler to a rated R movie.
Toddlers are old enough to understand some of the world around them. I know the little girl was seeing and hearing what was on the screen because she commented on it a few times. Her mom thought it was funny when the little girl said that the preview for the movie “Chucky” looked like a scary version of “Toy Story.”
Unfortunately that wasn’t the only bad parenting experience I encountered recently. The next day at the grocery store, a mom walked by with a baby in her cart who was maybe 8 months old. He started to put his mouth on the side of the cart. She yelled at him and told him the cart had germs on it. She loudly told him to go ahead and pout all he wanted.
While she isn’t wrong in what she said, her approach was more suited for a toddler or preschooler than a baby. Her baby wasn’t old enough to understand what she meant. He was just scared because she was yelling at him in a complete over-reaction.
I completely admit I did judge these parents and fully say they are wrong for their actions. Both situations made me want to lecture the parents. I can perhaps give the mom in the grocery store a bit of leeway, because we all have bad moments. But both sets of parents need to hear this message: kids deserve to be kids.
I don’t mean that we let our children get away with anything they want to because they are kids. Heck, no! It’s our job to mold them and teach them. It’s our job to help them understand the world around them, their role in it and how to behave.
But, we also have to understand their capacity for behavior. For example, I don’t expect my 6-year-old to have the maturity of my 9-year-old. I also don’t expect my 9-year-old to have the maturity of a 13-year-old.
And with all of that in mind, we have to also realize that our kids won’t be the ages they are now forever, so making some sacrifices of your own needs and wants isn’t forever and is exactly what you should be doing.
For instance, I remember many times when my kids were younger that I planned things around their napping schedule, which wasn’t always convenient, because I knew they needed those naps and would feel better with them.
Or now they are school aged, I keep our weekly commitments to a minimum so they have time for homework and downtime before getting ready for and being in bed by 8 p.m.
Parenthood is work. It is understanding that someone else’s needs almost always have to come before yours. It’s making sacrifices to do what’s best for your child. Maybe that means you have to wait for a movie to come out to rent. Or that you bring along a blanket or buy a cart seat cover to protect your baby from germs. (I loved having a cart seat cover for my kids; it protected them from germs and had toys attached to keep them occupied.)
Our kids are only kids for a short while. We need to do our best to let them be kids. We need to do our best to embrace the phase they’re in and not expect more of them than they are able to give. We need to remember their ages. We need to let kids be kids.
My test with my own kids is thinking (not saying out loud!), “What are you a [insert their current age]-year-old?” Chances are really good the answer is yes! If this is behavior that is to be expected of a child that age, then our children deserve some grace.
They may need instruction. They may need discipline. But they also need grace, because they are learning and deserve the best that we can give them. They deserve a chance to be their age and not be expected to do things beyond their capabilities or handle situations beyond their understanding.
We have chosen to have these children, whether they were planned or not. And as such, we must be willing to do what is best for them, even when that means inconveniencing ourselves.
Why you need to rest and ideas on how to make it happen!
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.” Exodus 20:8
Talk to any mom of little kids about finding time to rest — let alone take a whole day of rest — and she is most likely going to laugh in your face and roll her eyes. I remember the days of being in the thick of it with babies and toddlers who need something nearly every single minute of the day. It was utterly exhausting. While my kiddos are a bit older now, I still struggle to find time to rest.
There are always so many things we
moms juggle. Clothes always need washed. Dishes multiple by the hour. Food
needs to be prepared. Groceries need bought. Toilets need scrubbed. Trash needs
to be taken out. On and on and on the list goes.
However, we weren’t designed to work all the time. That isn’t how God made us. He has commanded us to have a Sabbath Day and keep it holy. In fact, the word “Sabbath” is used 145 times in the NIV Bible. That tells me God was serious about it, and we should be, too. And that also tells me that God wouldn’t command us to do something impossible.
Finding
ways to rest, no matter what phase of life you’re in, is crucial and can be
done with a bit of creativity and change of mindset.
1. Define what rest is to you
– right now.
In my head, rest means sitting in my recliner with my feet up reading a book and taking naps with no one bothering me. (I should also mention that I’m an introvert, and the best way for me to recharge my batteries is through alone time.)
While that scenario isn’t unholy or wrong, it also isn’t very feasible. I remember days when I was young and could spend a whole day lazing around reading a book. Nowadays that could be a possibility maybe once every two years.
So, I need to redefine rest. Think about what rest looks like in this phase of your life. For me, sometimes rest looks like ordering pizza or making frozen food and sitting in my living room for dinner and a movie with my husband and kids. Other times it has meant locking myself in the bathroom for five minutes to regroup!
2. Define your time to rest.
Most of us don’t have an entire day to devote to complete rest, but we do have five minutes here and there. Maybe even an hour or two. Looking at smaller chunks of time as rest time can be helpful. While most of us can’t usually manage to have a whole day free of all responsibility, we can find small pockets of time to refuel and regroup. We can be intentional about what we do with our downtime.
For example, I’ve found that if I have an extra 10 minutes alone in the car while I’m waiting to pick up my kids, I feel more refreshed and refueled if I spend that time reading a book or an article instead of mindlessly perusing social media, which can sometimes make me feel more drained.
3. Prioritize rest.
My to-do list never ends. Right now, I can easily spout off 10 things that I need to do without even pausing. However, sometimes chores and to-do lists just need to wait, so we can rest instead. I know. It’s sort of earth-shattering to realize this. I’ve been aided in this thought by having chronic health issues that force me to rest, but even with that, I still have to prioritize my day.
Today, for example, we have activities in the evening, which means I need to have energy left after dinnertime. To make that happen, I will take 30 minutes before I pick up my kids from school to sit and read or watch a favorite television show. And that’s OK. Yes, I have work I could do. Yes, I have laundry I could fold. Yes, I have bathrooms I could clean. Yes, I have a list of 100 other things that could use my attention, but rest has to be a priority as well.
Give yourself grace to let things go sometimes so that you can rest, just like God commanded you to!
4. Find a way to do something
just because you want to.
Sometimes rest is also about just being able to relax and enjoy something. Mamas tend to put everyone and everything else first. That’s OK. It’s noble. It’s necessary. But, sometimes we need to do something just for ourselves to rest and rejuvenate our brains.
Maybe it’s spending 15 minutes after your kids are in bed painting your toenails bright red. Maybe it’s stopping by Starbucks for your favorite drink. Maybe it’s sitting on your front porch listening watching the sun set. Whatever it is, find ways to do something just because you want to and take a respite from obligations.
5. Pray about it.
I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to make a change and start with my own ideas. Usually once I realize my ideas aren’t working, I sigh, roll my eyes and wonder why in the world I didn’t start out with prayer. Because, seriously, shouldn’t we start everything with prayer? And if we are trying to follow a command God has given us, we can trust Him that He will help us follow it.
God can open our eyes to habits we have that are interfering with our rest and downtime. He doesn’t want us to struggle against how we were created. God didn’t command everyone to take a Sabbath except for mothers. His command has no exceptions, which tells us He will help us find rest if we are just willing to go to Him and keep an open heart and mind to His leading.
With just a bit of planning, summer break can be fun for you and your kids!
Somehow summer is suddenly upon us. Though the first day of summer is still about a month away as I type this, summer starts for me today. Today is my kiddos’ last day of school. At 3 p.m. today we are officially on summer break!
While I’m excited to have my kids home for summer break, I am also a bit overwhelmed by that somewhat. That’s especially true this summer when I am back to working from home more than I have been any other summer since becoming a mom. And that’s one reason I am working to be very intentional about our summer planning.
Once I had a kiddo in school full-time four years ago, I realized how quickly summer breaks go by. I realized how easy it was to have ideas of things we’d do in my head and never get around to doing them. And, in having a daughter who is 9, I also realize that this summer is literally the halfway point of her childhood summers. I don’t want to waste a minute or be busy wishing it away and missing out on the joy of summer with my children.
With all of that in mind, we are heading into summer with plans as usual. Here is what I’ve found works best for my family when it comes to summer planning.
1. Decide how many activities your kids can do for the summer.
We are intentional during the school year about how many activities our kids are allowed to participate in. Right now that number is one for them. If non-regular activities come up, then we talk about it and usually can work it in. There is usually a week my daughter does cheer camp after school with the high school cheerleaders. This school year there were also a couple of months of play practice for the school K-12 production.
Summer is very similar. I don’t limit them to one activity for summer break because most summer activities don’t last as long, but I do limit them. For example, both of the them wanted to attend art camp at school this summer. It’s only for four days in the week following the end of school. I agreed to that.
In addition to that weeklong art camp, they both get one more big activity for the summer. They’ve both picked swim lessons two nights a week in July.
And that will be more than enough. My kids are 6 and 9 this summer. They have the whole rest of their lives to be busy. We do our very best to keep our summers low-key.
2. Make a list of goals.
I am a list maker through and through. I love me a good list! So each year, we sit down as a family and make some lists for the summer. One of them is a list of goals. What things do we want to accomplish or learn over summer break?
For example, this year my daughter wants to learn how to cook more. My son wants to learn how to tie shoes. My daughter and husband want to learn more Spanish. My son wants to learn how to ride without training wheels. I want to get some more organizing done around home.
We type them up and put them on the side of the fridge. Another bonus to having goals for the summer is that when the kids are bored or looking for things to do, we can always point them to their goals and give them suggestions to work on them.
3. Make a list of people to visit.
Part of summer fun is getting to have more time with friends and family, which includes extended family. While we are blessed to have both my parents and my husband’s parents living within 10 minutes of us, we still are intentional about grandparent time in the summer. The kids loving spending the night with grandparents whenever they can.
A few summers ago, my in-laws started a summer break tradition where they take each child individually for 5 days and then have them both together for 5 days.
My kids LOVE this tradition. They get one-on-one time with their Nana and Papaw and one-on-one time with their dad and me while their sibling is with Nana and Papaw. It works out so well. We usually plan a fun outing for whichever kid we have like pottery painting or a visit to Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Then when both kids are at Nana and Papaw’s, my husband and I get a chance to do home projects and such.
In addition to grandparent time, we make a list of friends we want to try and connect with over the summer. It helps me know who my kids are wanting to get together with and prioritize that. Honestly, it helps remind me to plan time with friends because I’m not always so great at doing so otherwise!
4. Make a list of fun activities to do.
Our final summer list that gets printed and put on the fridge is a list of fun activities we want to do. Some of them are simple like having one-on-one play time with each parent. (We divide and each spend 30 minutes or an hour playing with each child and then switch. It is hands-down the most requested activity our kids have every single break.) Some are more involved like going tent camping.
This year we even talked about making a list of movies we want to watch since we were talking about books we’ve recently read that have movies to go along with them like “Tuck Everlasting” and “Charlotte’s Web.”
Having a list of fun activities helps me make sure I’m prioritizing what my kids think is fun for summer break and gives me a go-to when I need an idea for something for us to do.
5. Find all sorts of free activities.
Summertime brings so many free activities that my kids love. Every Friday our city has free brown bag lunch concerts outside. There are innumerable fun summer reading programs we can attend. (Check out my list of more than 100 book ideas for summer reading!)
While we LOVE the library and summer reading program, the actual programs offered throughout the summer don’t require you to be registered and are usually good. Our library has an animal show each summer that we really enjoy.
And, of course, there are also parks for fun. There is something fun about packing a lunch and eating at a picnic table then playing at the park. Even I think peanut butter and jelly sandwiches taste better that way! Look for free splash pads as well for hot summer days.
6. Have an electronics plan.
I don’t want my kids to spend all summer on a screen. And, thankfully, they aren’t interested in that either. While you can have very detailed plans for electronics, we tend to have a laidback plan. But, we do have a plan or else it would be easy to send them off with their tablets any time I needed to get something done without being interrupted!
My kids don’t have to complete certain tasks or chores in order to get screen time — most days. But they do have to ask permission from either my husband or me in order to have screen time. Some days they may get more screen time if it’s crazy hot or raining. Or some days they may get no screen time because we have plans or they just need to find something else to do.
The only exception is that most summer mornings, I don’t mind for them to each watch a 20-minute approved show on the television while eating breakfast. It is nice to have laidback mornings in the summer!
7. Keep fun supplies handy.
Kids often forget about things that are out of sight. So, I make sure the things they want to play with often are easy to get to or where they’ll use it. Their bikes are in an easy location for them in the garage with their helmets on the handlebars. Sidewalk chalk is near the back door they most often use. Markers, coloring pages and crayons are in a drawer they can easily get to. Those ideas at least give me (and them!) starting points for what to suggest when they are bored, which inevitably comes up over summer break.
8. Have easy snacks ready.
Though they only eat three meals and maybe one snack during school days, summer break tends to make them want to graze. And since my kids are usually more active in summer, I get it. They’re old enough now that they can usually fix their own snack if I keep things on hand for them. So, I keep things around that I can say yes to most of the time like Gogurt (frozen is super great for the summer!), boxes of raisins, 4-pack peanut butter crackers, Goldfish, pretzels, easy fruit I can prep ahead (grapes, blueberries, bananas, etc.), applesauce pouches, fruit cups and granola bars.
Just like with screen time, my kiddos have to ask before they get a snack. And usually it has to meet mom’s approval. They know what snacks I will say yes to and what I will usually say no to. Sometimes, of course, I say yes to fun treats because it’s just fun for all of us! I have some 90-calorie mini ice-cream sandwiches that have made for some fun treats recently.
9. Let them know what to expect each day.
Thanks to having chronic health issues, I learned pretty early on not to tell my kids about big plans for a day until I knew for sure it was going to happen. I’ve had times where I couldn’t even predict whether I’d be up for a trip to the park until the day of. They were much happier to have a surprise than to have a disappointment. (Duh!)
I also learned pretty early on that my kids do best when they know what to expect. While we do maintain our routine somewhat over the summer, it is definitely more laidback and less scheduled. Every morning, I try to go over with the kids a brief outline of what’s happening that day. It can be as simple as, “We’re going to the grocery store this afternoon.” Their favorite tends to be: “We don’t have anywhere to go today!”
No matter what, they like knowing what the day holds and I do, too. Of course plans change sometimes, but setting their expectations for the day helps. That’s especially true when I do have an errand or chore that needs done and I can tell them that but also tell them something fun going on that day, too, even if it’s just they’ll be home to play for 4 hours straight or we’ll watch a movie in the evening.
10. Keep your priorities in check.
I’ve got to end with this one. We only have about 18 summers with our children — and even fewer than that with them when they are old enough to do things but not old enough to have their own schedules and agendas. Summertime with my kids is limited and precious!
When I keep that in mind, I can better prioritize the things we can do to make memories as a family. My kids love big things. We went to Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando over spring break and they had a great time. But a lot of smaller, little moments are what really make the best memories. So sometimes I let housework slide. Sometimes I get up at 6 a.m. to get some work done before they are up for the day. And I try to just enjoy my moments with my kids over the summer.
We have peanut butter sandwiches for dinner then go to our favorite fro-yo place. We spend an afternoon swimming. We take off and go to the movies in the middle of a weekday. We snuggle together and read. We play games. We play with toys. We just have time together.
I know that I will never regret the time I spent with my children but I might regret doing other things instead. So, I do my very best to carve out time over summer break that is just for fun for us.
Looking for more summer family fun ideas? Check out these posts:
It’s the end of the school year for many of us. Whether you have little ones or big ones finishing out the school year or school isn’t even on your radar right now as you change one diaper after another, I’m guessing you know what overwhelmed feels like.
Being a mom is so incredibly awesome, but it’s also draining and hard. And sometimes we are just plain overwhelmed. Currently I wish I had one more day each week and a couple of extra hours each day. Then maybe I could get closer to conquering everything I have to do. Know the feeling?
Today I’m sharing an open letter to all of us moms who feel overwhelmed, no matter which phase of child-rearing you’re in right now.
Dear Overwhelmed Mom,
First, I want to thank you for taking time to even read this letter. I know how hard it is to find a spare second in your day. I’m guessing you’re reading this while hiding out in the bathroom or while flopping on the couch after the kids are finally in bed before you have the energy to actually put your own self to bed as well.
Second, I want you to know that what you do every day, every minute matters. It really, truly does. Your children will be better because you loved them. They will survive because you fed them, bathed them, taught them and disciplined them even while they fought you the entire way. They may not say thank you now (or ever), but you are not invisible or unappreciated. Know that your heavenly Father sees your daily struggle and honors you as a servant to the least of these.
Third, I want to remind you that are more than a mother. Don’t glaze over this point. Don’t skip ahead. Read it again: You are more than a mother. While being a mother is the most noble job you could have and what you do in motherhood matters, you are still a person separate from that.
You are a woman. You are a wife, perhaps. You are a daughter. You are a friend. You are YOU. You are still in there, underneath the exhaustion, underneath the yoga pants, underneath the fear that you’re screwing it all up. You are still in there. One day, you’ll come back more full-time, but for now, don’t forget yourself.
Find little ways to let you out. Listen to music from a time in your life when you felt free and alive. Take 10 minutes after bedtime to paint your fingernails. Get a babysitter and do something just for you. Order pizza for dinner and take the night off from cooking. Turn the kids over to your husband and spend that cooking time reading your favorite blog, magazine or a book. Hide in the bathroom for a few extra minutes. Whatever it takes, do something to connect with who you are outside of motherhood and responsibilities.
Fourth, know that this will pass. This is twofold. Know that it will pass so that you can survive this really difficult phase where the baby tries to eat everything and yells when you deflect him from pouring out the dog’s water bowl while the preschooler is asking how to spell 20 random words for something she’s working on and lunch is burning in the toaster oven.
Know that it will pass so that you can survive this really difficult phase where one kid has a practice in one place, the other in another and they both have homework that has to be done — not to mention dinner that needs to be made.
Know that it will pass so that you can survive this really difficult phase where your teenager rolls his eyes at everything you say and barely speaks a word for two days.
It will get better. No parenting phase lasts forever. But, because it will pass and it will pass so very quickly, take time to appreciate the small moments of greatness. Stop to smile and remember the way the baby toddles around with a grin; stop to smile and take in the preschoolers’ look of determination as she practices writing.
Stop to really cheer on your kid as they’re playing a sport instead of listing the things you have to do on your phone. Stop to notice the way your teenager’s hair still curls slightly on his forehead just like it did when he was a baby. It will all pass.
Fifth, know that you aren’t alone. Scores of other mothers are struggling daily to somehow survive and still find some semblance of who they are at the end of the day. Generations of other mothers have somehow survived this daily fray and lived to tell about it. You aren’t alone.
Seek out support. Talk to God about it; He’s always present. Talk to your husband, your mom and your friends. E-mail them if you can’t actually talk freely without being overheard by the children and need to vent.
I say it again, you are not alone. You are not alone even when you feel so very lonely and like not only have you slowly slipped away and morphed into a whole other person but that no one has even noticed. You are not alone. If your support system is broken, do what it takes to fix it. You need it. No one should go through motherhood alone.
Sixth, don’t make apologies for taking time for yourself. So many of us have been brainwashed into thinking that we must do it all, all the time with a smile and an appreciative heart. It’s not possible. Take care of your family, but know that part of taking care of your family means taking care of yourself.
Find a babysitter. Use the time to nap, read a book, see a movie or just plain regroup. Chores can wait. They’ll still be there tomorrow. Take time for you so you can take care of them. It’s OK. It’s normal. It’s necessary. If you don’t do this, you will become Grumpy Mom. Nobody likes her, not even you. Make it a priority.
Seventh, give yourself some grace. You’re doing the best you can. None of us can do it all. It’s just not possible. There are too many roles. There are too many internal pressures. You’re doing the best you can and that IS good enough.
Stop comparing yourself to other moms or to some unobtainable ideal of the perfect mom you want to be. Yes, work to improve yourself. But, don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing the best you can. Some things may be slipping today. Other things will be slipping tomorrow. It’s just the nature of life. And it’s OK. Your children, husband and house will survive. Your extended family and work will survive. The world isn’t going to implode. You are doing just fine. Stop telling yourself otherwise.
Motherhood is a hard gig. It’s a gig we signed up for. It’s a gig we couldn’t fully understand until we were in the thick of it and it was too late to turn back. And it does have good rewards. It has great payoffs.
But, the hard days are incredibly hard. The challenging phases are challenging to the core. It’s OK to recognize that. It’s OK to not always be happy about that. Just don’t get stuck there.
Recognize how you’re feeling right now. Recognize the overwhelming sense of failure and look at whether you can change something. Then pull up your boot straps and keep on keeping on.
You are doing a great job. You are surviving. You are noticed. I see you. More importantly, God sees you. You will survive and come out of this on the other side stronger. You will come out of this with little people grown big who love you and who have been shaped into wonderful people because of your dedication to them. You are a strong, amazing woman! Never, ever forget that!
Books for toddlers through tweens that both you and your kids will enjoy!
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When I was a couple of days old, my mom started reading to me as she was reading to my older brother. Evidently it stuck because I’ve loved to read my entire literate life. One summer my mom and I literally read through all the books of interest to us at a local library branch and had to switch to a different branch.
I wanted to instill that love of reading in my own children as well. We started reading to my oldest every night from the time she was an infant and followed right along with that when our son was born just over three years later. I have children’s books memorized from reading them time and time again. We read at bedtime and any time throughout the day our littles wanted to. Even now that our daughter is 9 and son is 6, we still read a book together at bedtime.
For almost a decade now, I’ve gotten to know children’s books inside and out. We’ve found some favorite ones — books I will hang onto even as my children outgrow them. They’ve been such a part of our life.
I wanted to compile a list of our favorites. When I mentioned this to my daughter, she couldn’t wait to weigh in and gave me a whole list of books she has loved and currently loves. I’ve got something for all ages from itty-bitties up through 5th grade!
Each Peach Pear Plum (This book is neat because the kids love the rhyming words when they are really small and then are able to find the hidden characters as they get a bit older.)
Fancy Nancy series — We can’t pick a favorite one of this series. We enjoyed all the ones we read — probably because my daughter had the same red curls as Fancy Nancy and really loved seeing a character that looked like her. And this series gets bonus points for effortlessly introducing new vocabulary words and French words!)
Pinkalicious series — We loved all of these as well, especially the first one, titled “Pinkalicious” and also “Tickled Pink.” (And my son enjoyed these as much as my daughter did!)
Go, Dog. Go! — Similar to Dr. Seuss books, “Go, Dog. Go!” is great fun for younger ages and then works well for early readers, too, which is nice.
The Jesus Storybook Bible — I put this one in preschool because that’s the age we started reading it to our kids, but we still love it now. I’d say it definitely goes through at least early elementary. I can tell you that this so well done that nearly every time I read a story from it to my kiddos, I get something out of it, too! I can’t recommend “The Jesus Storybook Bible” enough!
Many of our favorites in this age range are series of books. While they are series and usually have the same characters in them, the story lines do not continue from one book to the next. They don’t have to be read in order.
Nancy Clancy series — This is the same Nancy from the “Fancy Nancy” series, just a bit older. My daughter liked having more Nancy books to read as she got older!
Geronimo Stilton series — There are so many different series within this series even, covering different time periods. There are so many books we haven’t read them all, but we’ve really enjoyed the ones we have read, especially “The Mouse Island Marathon.”
Upper elementary favorites
The majority of these are chapter books. Some of the storylines do continue from one book to the next and are best read in order. If that is the case, I have noted it. Otherwise, they don’t have to be read in a certain order.
American Girl: Grace (needs to be read in order) — Each year the doll-maker releases fiction books about its Girl of the Year. We haven’t read all of them, but we’ve really enjoyed the ones we have read. The Grace series was such a family favorite that we bought the DVD as well!
American Girl Smart Girl’s Guides (nonfiction) — American Girl has a series of nonfiction books that cover all sorts of topics. “The Care and Keeping of You, 1” is great for younger girls to cover information growing girls need about their bodies. There is a second version for older girls. Since my daughter is 9, we haven’t read it, yet, but I plan to when she is older because the first one was so terrific. There’s a slew of other books as well addressing topics like worry, friendships, drama, boys, money, manners and even cooking in an age-appropriate and effective way. (NOTE: I would recommend reading these books together the first time through to answer questions and have great conversations.)
I was 3 when my bladder issues first started. Though they waxed and waned through different parts of my childhood, they came back with a vengeance when I was 23 and have stuck around ever since. A few years ago, they added their friend fibromyalgia into the mix.
I am a different patient today than I was 17 years ago. I’ve learned lesson after lesson throughout all the different journeys my health has taken me on.
1. I have to be my own advocate.
The two health issues I have, interstitial cystitis and fibromyalgia, aren’t always well known, even in the medical community. In fact, there are still doctors who don’t believe either condition exists. I learned early on that sometimes I have to push for what I need. I have to be the proverbial squeaky wheel to get some grease. At the end of the day, the receptionist, nurse or physician isn’t the one who is going home and living with the pain and issues that I have. As a quiet person, this was something that I struggled with in the beginning, especially because when I’m not feeling well or in pain I get even quieter. I have learned to speak up for myself, respectfully, and push to get the help I need.
Part of that also includes doing my own research. I have brought in research to my doctor before and asked to try different medications or treatments. I have found research for self-help strategies that really have made a difference in my pain, like figuring out all of my dietary triggers for IC. (I highly recommend Confident Choices for IC diet help!)
2. Doctors don’t know everything.
Doctors are in a position of authority. And they are usually smart folks who know more about health issues than the average person. But they don’t know everything. I have seen good doctors, great doctors and awful doctors. In being my own advocate, I learned that if a doctor didn’t have good enough answers for me that it was OK to move on to someone else. I have done so.
A couple of years ago, I was having increased pain in my pelvis. My local gynecologist determined the problem, but he was too afraid to help me because of my vast pelvic history. He sent me to a specialist an hour away. It was one of the worst doctor’s appointments I’ve ever been to — and that’s saying a lot. He insisted it was quite impossible for me to be feeling pain and if I was then I should just go to a pain clinic because I have chronic pain conditions. I knew something was wrong and needed fixed.
I reached out to a doctor I’d seen a couple of years before who is a leading IC expert for a recommendation. He suggested I see his colleague. It was a four-hour drive that was well worth it. He operated, and I’ve spent the last year and a half since feeling much better. I certainly have no regrets for getting an additional opinion.
3. If you have an insurance coverage question, get the procedure code before calling.
Part of managing a chronic illness and advocating for yourself is dealing with health insurance. I have learned to call for major procedures and double-check my coverage, even when a doctor’s staff told me they had checked. The best way to get the most accurate coverage information is to get the procedure code from the doctor’s office. Once I didn’t do that and what I thought was going to be a $25 co-pay ended up being $500! Since then, I always ask the doctor’s office for the code when I need to call the insurance and check on my coverage. When in doubt, check it out!
4. Don’t rely on doctors to have your files or send them to other doctors.
Usually having a chronic illness means you are seeing a couple of different doctors. In addition to my general practitioner, I see some specialists. I have found it’s a good idea to get copies of my records when I really need another doctor to have them because the records don’t always end up where they are supposed to be, especially if it is a quick turnaround time.
This is especially important if you are seeing a doctor away from the city where you live. My most recent surgery was with the specialist that is four hours away from me. While I stayed up in the area a couple of days post-op, I made sure to have copies of my surgery notes with me when we left to drive back home in case I had a complication and needed to see a doctor locally.
5. Keep a list of medications and surgeries.
I have been through phases where my list of medications changed almost monthly. Keeping my list up to date is important so if I have another appointment or a medical emergency, I can list what I’m taking and how much. I keep it in a Word document on my computer that I update as needed.
I found that keeping a list of surgeries and their dates (and even doctors and location) is also helpful. Any time you go to a new doctor for any reason, you have to list all of that information, so having it handy in a document that you can update is just helpful. If you keep copies of your medical records (I do for my pelvic history since I’ve had a few surgeries, all by different doctors), you could easily print out your med and surgery list to keep with them. Then everything is in one handy location.
6. Other patients can be so helpful along the way.
I am not sure I can fully put into words what connecting with other patients has meant to me. I have made some very good friends this way. I have connected with people with whom my path would never have crossed otherwise, and I am thankful for that. When I was going through a rough time of dealing with my bladder issues as a 13-year-old, I didn’t know anyone else who had the same struggle. A decade later, the Internet was around, and I found a patient group online that was eye-opening to me. Things I thought were just different about me turned out to be common in other IC patients. The IC Network has an incredibly helpful and moderated patient forum. That forum has given me so much encouragement and self-help ideas for which I’m beyond grateful.
And all that said, you do have to be cautious in patient groups when it comes to medical advice. People who are dealing with pain are often grasping at anything to help them feel better but not all advice from other patients is good or even helpful. Definitely do your own research!
7. God is always faithful, even when He doesn’t heal you.
As a Christian, healing has come up for me. I have battled with it. I have wrestled with it. I have prayed for it. I have had others pray for it. Once I went into remission, which I took as an answer to prayer for healing. I was shaken when my symptoms came screaming back into my life a few years later as a young woman.
While this really, truly could be a whole other post and one day will be, I can tell you that I have found God to be faithful and good every single step of the way even when I didn’t understand why I hurt. He has been faithful to me even though I am not healed. I can tell you that after I wrestled with this for a few years, I felt God telling me that I will be healed in heaven. And then I began to pray for healing from my need to be healed. God was faithful to help me with that need.
I would love to be healed — don’t get me wrong — but it doesn’t define me or run obsessively through my mind. I have learned that no matter how hard the mountain gets to climb that God is always there, carrying me up the mountain. He’s never left me on my own. There were times I put my hope in doctors and in treatments until the day God reminded me He is my only hope. So while I may wish that a treatment would work and try different things, I have learned that whether the treatment works or fails, God is always there and will be with me.
8. Don’t be angry with people who don’t understand.
No matter what your struggle is in life, it’s hard for people to understand it precisely because they haven’t lived it. I’ve had people try to be helpful and tell me about the latest treatment idea they’ve come across. Not once has that actually been helpful. In fact, usually the very suggestions being made would actually make me feel worse instead of better. I have learned to instead just change the topic.
The fact of the matter is, most people aren’t going to understand your life and your struggles — no matter what kind of struggles you have. Even now in my life being open about my health struggles, my husband is the only person who comes closest to knowing what I really deal with on a daily basis. If you see me in person, chances are I won’t even tell you about my health struggles or daily battles I fight. So I really can’t get angry when someone doesn’t understand.
9. I am more than my health condition.
Living with a chronic health condition is a daily issue. There are no vacations or breaks. There is no escaping it. There may be good days or weeks. But it’s always there lurking. However, I am so much more than interstitial cystitis and fibromyalgia. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a journalist, a friend and more. I have more to talk about and think about than my health.
If I let it, my health issues can consume my thoughts. That’s not healthy in any way. When I feel myself slipping into that, I pray for help and I work to focus on what I have. Because my health issues haven’t taken everything from me. I have way more blessings than I do health issues. And that’s what I have to remember on the hard days.
10. I have to let other people be sick, too.
This sounds so silly. I know it does, but it’s something I’ve worked on. I still work on it a bit, to be honest with you. I hear people talking about an acute pain or sickness and I want to roll my eyes sometimes. I want to say, “Imagine living like that every day! Imagine if you felt like you had the flu, five pulled muscles and a UTI all at the same time every single day. Then talk to me about it!”
Fortunately, I bite my tongue. Because my suffering doesn’t make their suffering any less. They are still suffering. God has worked on me to help me become more sympathetic and empathetic. I can often spot someone in pain before anyone else. I know the signs of living like a “normal person” with pain. I can have compassion when someone is hurt because I know what pain feels like. I may have more of it, but I also know how debilitating and disheartening it can be to live with pain, whether acute or chronic. I know what I want people to say to me. The truth is, none of us wants to hear about anyone else’s difficulties when we are struggling. So I keep those to myself and offer encouragement and prayer instead.
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