Living in a new reality

Life during quarantine

The following post is all about my personal mental health experiences. For the latest information on COVID-19, please visit www.cdc.gov.

While life during the health crisis has been real for me over the last couple of weeks with the kids home from school and our contact with the outside world very, very limited, today the new reality set it for me even more. I’m processing information, which I best do through writing.

Life during quarantine

Right from the beginning today was different. My husband had an early morning post-op appointment with his surgeon. When he had his rotator cuff surgery on March 11, we received the paperwork that included today’s appointment time. I remember thinking that an 8 a.m. appointment meant we’d take the kids to school then go to his appointment.

Life has changed in those two and a half weeks, though. And it has changed dramatically for such a short time. Like all of us, I am off-kilter. The kids are no longer going to their school building and instead e-learning from home.

Venturing out

As we headed to the appointment today, we wondered why there were so many cars out. We assumed they were people headed to jobs our governor deemed as essential.

At the orthopedist’s office, I was turned away at the front door; only patients were allowed in. While I completely understood and respected the decision, it was yet another reminder of our new reality.

I don’t always go with my husband to doctor’s appointments, but he’s still in a sling and not allowed to drive. I knew he was having stitches removed, and I wanted to be there in support of him as he’s done for me so many times. Instead, I was sitting in the car. I wasn’t upset, but it was definitely a new reality.

Going to the grocery store

His appointment was pretty quick, so we made a quick trip to the store on the way home. We’re down to about half a pack of toilet paper. It should get us through this week, but it gets a bit dubious after that. We were hopeful that being early in the day would mean we’d find some.

However, no toilet paper was available. We did pick up a few other things, though. I happily noticed the shelves were better stocked than they had been on my previous visit about two weeks ago. I was thankful for that and relieved to see that things weren’t staying so dire.

I was thrilled to get some napkins since I’d just lectured my kids about how we needed to start rationing them since I hadn’t been able to find any to buy.

Many people were wearing disposable gloves. Most were careful to stay at a distance from each other. In the car, we used hand sanitizer. I even coated my phone with it since I’d used it in the store to look at my grocery list.

Different home life

When we got home, I pulled out items to stay in the garage for our deep freezer and pantry shelf. The rest came into the house where I wiped it down with bleach wipes, threw away the sacks and wiped down the countertops.

I used hand cleaner two or three times then washed my hands incredibly well. While I’m always vigilant about cleaning my hands after being in a public place, wiping down my groceries and cleaning my hands so many times is definitely a new thing.

I settled my kids at the kitchen table with schoolwork while I got to work on my laptop for my annual Monday morning deadline. Usually I work in my home office, but while I’m also playing the role of homeschool teacher, working at the kitchen table is easiest.

At lunchtime, my daughter and I moved to the home office so she could Zoom meet with her fourth grade class while I finished my last half hour of work. Many conference calls have happened in the home office I share with my husband, but this was the first one that was for my 10-year-old.

By dinnertime, my head was pounding thanks to the weather change and my delightful fibromyalgia symptoms. I made some food and we watched a science video while eating.

A public faith display

After dinner, we turned on our local radio station just in time to hear our pastor begin talking. This evening was a prayer event at our local hospital. We opted to stay home and pray. I was overcome with emotion as I listened to my pastor and heard him praying over the airwaves. I never would have imagined this local top 40 station would even be broadcasting a very Christian prayer, yet here we were.

My husband, children and I all prayed together. My son came over and snuggled next to me. Just as he did so, my pastor was praying for God to give us strength to take care of those who can’t take care of themselves during this crisis.

God reminded me that I am needed to take care of my children now more than ever. At 7 and 10, my kids no longer need me as dependently as they did as infants, but they certainly are not able to take care of themselves through this crisis. I am needed also to take care of my husband who is still not at full capacity from his surgery. I take all of those responsibilities very seriously.

Feeling all the feelings

This is the new reality. It isn’t forever or for always. We don’t know when life will start to get back to normal. We are talking about things like whether to keep the kids enrolled in their ninja and gymnastics classes that are now meeting virtually. We’re speculating on big events that might get canceled.

The current reality is challenging for its newness and suddenness. For me, it has less to do with not being able to get out and go places, though even an introvert like I am gets cabin fever. It has more to do with a total shift in my thinking and reality.

I find myself being careful to not waste food.

I find myself thinking about how long we can truly go before we need to get out.

I find myself rationing some items to last longer before I get to the store again. (I forgot to get more mouthwash, for example.)

I find myself wondering how this will affect my kids.

I find myself wondering if everyone I love will make it through this.

I find myself noticing when my neighbors are leaving and wonder why they’re getting out.

I find myself being thankful that my son’s good friend in the neighborhood lives a block away and not right beside us so they don’t see each other and want to play.

I find myself noticing full grocery shelves on television and in commercials and wishing that was still reality.

I find myself feeling raw sometimes for seemingly no reason and then realizing that it’s for all of these reasons and new-ness that I’m having all these feelings.

I find myself overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and prayer from a community that doesn’t always show respect for Christianity.

I find myself utterly exhausted more than I’d like to admit from trying to be mom, teacher, wife, homemaker and professional writer.

I find myself feeling God in the moments when I most need Him. I hear Him speaking through the prayer of my pastor as my son snuggles next to me. I am reminded of Him as I listen to a video lesson with my children. God opens my heart and eyes to His presence as I listen to worship music.

I remember that even though this is a difficult time of global proportions unlike anything I’ve lived through before, it is not the hardest thing I’ve personally lived through. The same God who has always been with me is still with me.

I have learned to trust in God and His faithfulness even when things don’t make sense.

I have learned that if I keep my hope in Him, I won’t be disappointed. Life may not go as I want it to. God may say no to some of my prayers, but He won’t change who He is and He won’t leave me. I just have to look for Him.

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