“The Christian Woman’s Gratitude Journal” helps you manage anxiety and grow closer to God!
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In the past, I’ve had so much luck using a gratitude journal and using a prayer journal. I also love devotionals. And I enjoy inspirational quotes. But I’ve never had them all together in one place — until now. “The Christian Woman’s Gratitude Journal” is my latest book release that combines a gratitude and prayer journal into one. You’re going to love it as much as I do!
Through the years, I’ve used prompted and blank journals to help manage my anxiety and grow in my walk with God. So, I’ve included both in one journal, because it just makes sense to me. Somedays even I as a writer need prompts to get my going. Other days, I have thoughts waiting to pour out of my head and onto paper.
The benefits of a gratitude and prayer journal
Throughout my lifetime I have struggled with anxiety. If I’m being completely honest, I know depression and anxiety have gone together at different times in my life. I have never stopped trusting in or believing in God. In fact, I’ve found anxiety and faith can co-exist and that doesn’t make me a bad Christian or mean I don’t trust God.
However, I don’t want to get stuck in those places. I have been stuck before and had my faith shaken. Healing after some of the most difficult times in my life has best been done at least in part by focusing on the things for which I’m grateful. Not only did that give me an attitude shift in general, but doing so also helped me to see God’s goodness and blessings in the midst of the struggle.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (NIV) And, quite frankly, that’s easier said than done in some circumstances. Keeping a gratitude journal helps us remember to truly give thanks, even on the difficult days when we are struggling to see any good.
What is a prompted gratitude journal?
When I think of writing prompts, I tend to think of language arts classes. Maybe you do, too. But, when it comes to journals, writing prompts aren’t designed to elicit long essays or short stories. Instead, they are often just simple.
In “The Christian Woman’s Gratitude Journal,” the prompts are designed to take no more than 5 minutes a day total per page. You’ll find three different types of prompts in this gratitude and prayer journal.
“List Three” prompts
Throughout the journal are 30 different “List Three” writing prompts. These are lines for you to list three of something for which you’re grateful. So, the first time I did a gratitude journal, I didn’t use a prompted version and really struggled some days to think of three new or different thinks for which I was thankful.
The “List Three” prompts are themed to make it easier for you. Here are some examples from “The Christian Woman’s Gratitude and Prayer Journal:”
List three ways you’ve felt God’s love this week.
List three of your favorite beverages.
List three of your biggest blessings.
List three of your favorite movies.
List three happy moments from the day.
“Question” prompts
The gratitude and prayer journal also includes one “Question” prompt. Thirty questions total are included. These are questions you can answer usually in just one or two sentences. But, if you need more writing space, 10 lined pages with inspirational quotes at the top are included after three pages of prompts.
The “Question” prompts also help you focus on something in particular that is positive or for which you are thankful in your life. Here are some examples:
How did you feel love from someone else today?
What made you laugh today?
What is your favorite Bible verse and why?
Where and when were you able to spend time with God today?
What did you accomplish today that makes you feel proud?
“Today’s Mood” checklist
Also on the prompted pages of “The Christian Woman’s Gratitude Journal,” you’ll find a checklist to mark off your mood for the day. It’s straightforward and easy. The following moods are included: happy, sad, angry, anxious, excited, afraid, lonely, jealous, calm and disgusted.
What is a prayer journal?
Along with the three writing prompts on 30 of the pages, the gratitude and prayer journal also include a box simply labeled “Prayers.” This space is designed for you to use however you’d like and can change from one entry to the next.
You can use the space to do any of the following (or whatever works best for you!):
List prayer requests for the day.
List praises for the day.
Write a prayer for the day.
Track prayers God has answered.
What else is included in the gratitude and prayer journal?
Along with 60 different writing prompts over 30 pages that have mood and prayer boxes as well, “The Christian Woman’s Gratitude Journal” also includes 10 lined pages that have inspirational quotes at the top. All of the quotes are original ones. For example:
Find something in each day that makes you happy.
You are important. You are special. You are smart.
Doing the best you can doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.
You’ll also find 10 devotionals throughout the gratitude and prayer journal as well. These are paired next to the blank journal pages to give you space to write about them if you would like. The devotionals are uplifting and helpful in both spiritual and practical ways. You’ll find topics such as:
A gratitude and prayer journal can be a great way for Christian women to manage anxiety and grow in their relationship with God. #GratitudeJournal #PrayerJournal #ChristianWomen #ChristianMoms #Anxiety #MentalHealth
Join me for a Gratitude Journey!
While you definitely will get a lot out of using this gratitude and prayer journal on your own, I am also running a weekly discussion group about gratitude that starts April 4, 2023 and will be based on “The Christian Woman’s Gratitude and Prayer Journal.”
The group will meet in the private Facebook group, “Moms with Grace,” which is a part of the Families with Grace ministry. Each week, I will list five questions related to five pages from the journal as we work our way through it to end on June 6. Along with listing the questions, though, later in the week I will host a Zoom call to discuss our answers and how our Gratitude Journeys are going. (These will be recorded and shared in the “Moms with Grace” private Facebook group only.)
I’d love to have you join us and really grow in your relationship with God. We weren’t meant to “do life” alone!
Of all the people in the Bible, I have most related to David in the Psalms for many, many years. We certainly haven’t had the exact same life experiences, but David goes from grief to joy to everything in between within a chapter. And that’s how life is for me. I get David. He’s real to me in that way.
I also feel like David’s thoughts could get carried away and overdramatic sometimes. Anxiety rears its ugly head like that in my life. I completely trust God, but I have also learned that anxiety and faith can co-exist. So when I think of looking in the Bible for verses of comfort, it makes sense to start with Psalms for anxiety.
Did David struggle with anxiety? It’s quite possible! In 2004, History of Psychiatry researched whether David had a mental disorder and concluded that it’s highly likely he did. Major depression seems to be the most likely candidate. Depression and anxiety often go hand-in-hand. So maybe that’s why I relate to David.
Whether David had a mental disorder doesn’t matter as much as knowing that God is behind all the words he wrote. And we can draw comfort in the book of Psalms for anxiety. Read these verses and let them minister to your heart today.
(All Scripture is taken from the NIV Bible unless otherwise noted.)
Psalm 27:1-3
The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.
These verses are awesome reminders of God’s power and faithfulness. He will protect us, so we don’t have to be afraid. I’ve been afraid so many times in my life. I recently heard someone say fear is at the root of anxiety. While I’m not sure that’s completely true, I do find great comfort in knowing God is in control and on His throne, so I don’t have to be afraid.
Psalm 61:1-3
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.
The New King James version of the Bible says instead that “my heart is overwhelmed” rather than “my heart grows faint.” I like that even more. Because, I get overwhelmed. Life is full of so many responsibilities and tasks. As a mom, it’s easy for me to get overwhelmed thinking of all the things I’m juggling mentally at any given time. But, God is there to listen to my prayer. He hears me and sustains me. He shelters me when I grow weak. Thank you, God!
Psalm 51:10-12
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Of the Psalms for anxiety, this one is one that makes an especially great prayer. I want God to purify my heart so that I’m not distracted by the wrong things. There are times I desperately need a steadfast spirit and willing spirit to sustain me and keep me going. I also want to always be in God’s presence and never forget the joy of His salvation.
I will always remember going to church one Sunday after one of the very worst weeks of my life. My heart was broken and I was feeling low. During the sermon, I got distracted by the cross. God reminded me that in the end, what matters most is how much He loves me that He sent His Son for me. It soothed my soul that day in a way nothing else could.
Psalm 121:1-5a
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you.
When I was in college, a member of my Bible study group shared that she used to feel bad about falling asleep while she was praying. But then she just imagined that God was holding onto her like a parent does a child and letting her sleep. That image has stuck with me. In my hardest nights, I have prayed for God to surround me and hold me tight. I love knowing that He doesn’t ever sleep. He watches over us day and night. In my head, I feel like that gives me permission to let down my guard and trust that He is completely in control. That’s a relief when I’m struggling with anxiety.
Psalm 32:5
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
In the four verses before this one, David talks about how he has been consumed by tears day and night. He remembers the good times with God, but he feels far apart from them at this moment. But then this verse is his pep talk. We all need pep talks sometimes. When we are depressed or anxious, David reminds us that we can put our hope in God. We can praise Him in the storm and trust He is there even when He feels far away.
Psalm 77:11-12
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
David spends the first 10 verses of this Psalm talking about how he felt God had rejected him. He was grieving the silence of God and feeling heartbroken. But then he stops to remember the good things God has done in the past. I have learned to do this very same thing when I start getting anxious. I go back in my head to all the times God has been working for my good when I couldn’t see it. And I know that God won’t fail me now. Sometimes the best thing I can do is think about my history with God’s faithfulness and focus on the blessings He’s given me in the present.
Psalm 116:1-7
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Lord, save me!” The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
God hears our pleas and cries for mercy. He is there and listening, even when it feels like He is not. David talks about seeing that happen in his life. I’ve seen it happen in mine. So now I find this one of the Psalms for anxiety that brings me comfort. I can be reminded that God will see me through time and again.
I also especially love verse 7: “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” This is a verse to memorize and hold close for the dark nights when anxiety is high and life is hard. God is good all the time.
Psalm 40:11-13
Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased to save me, Lord; come quickly, Lord, to help me.
The Bible tells us that Jacob physically wrestled with God, but David does some of his own wrestling in an emotional way. If you read the entirety of Psalm 40, David is at a low point but also asking God to bless those who trust in Him. Verses 11-13 really stuck out to me as being a sincere prayer to God for times when we are overwhelmed by our circumstances. We can call out to God: save me, come quickly and help me. And we can remember the times God has protected us by His love and faithfulness before to keep us going as we wait.
Psalm 62:5-8
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
This is a great Psalm for anxiety. It reminds us that we can find rest and have hope in God. With God as our protector, we can withstand the storms of life. We weren’t made to go through life alone and God will hold us through all of it. If we allow Him, He will be our rock in whom we can trust at all times. I love the idea of God being our refuge. A refuge is somewhere you run to when you’re in trouble or in distress. And that’s exactly what God is for us. We can run to Him and know He will hold us tight through everything.
Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Again, David refers to God as our refuge. When we are anxious and overwhelmed, a refuge is what we need. We need a break and peace. There are moments when God truly gives us peace beyond understanding. He can calm our anxieties and fears, even if just for a few moments, as we fully rest in Him.
I recently had a conversation with a loved one about anxiety and faith. We talked about whether Christians can struggle with anxiety. What does that look like? What does that say about our faith? We weren’t the first people to discuss this, and I know we surely won’t be the last. But, it did get me thinking about a message many Christians need to hear: You aren’t alone in your anxiety. Being anxious doesn’t mean you love God any less.
If you’ve been in church for any amount of time, I’m sure you’ve heard sermons and lessons on how worrying is a sin. Being anxious is a sin. Anxiety means we aren’t trusting God fully. I know what the Bible says about anxiety, but I also know that it remains a struggle for so many of us.
So, can you be a Christian and have anxiety at the same time? The short answer is absolutely! But I think we need to go a bit deeper. I don’t have all the answers or any sort of theological degree. I can only share my experiences, struggles and feelings.
The physical component of anxiety
Having some anxiety is normal and helpful. It’s helped keep humans alive for so many years because we respond to danger and take less risk. However, some of us get stuck in that mode even when no threat is apparent. That’s when we shift to an anxiety disorder.
Like other mental health conditions, anxiety often needs more intervention than just trite advice. And anxiety disorders are rampant. Statistically speaking, about 30% of adults are dealing with an anxiety disorder at any given time. That’s up nearly 10% from 20 years ago.
Statistics on how the Christian population compares to the general population in regards to anxiety disorders isn’t available. But, let’s say the Christian population does have less anxiety, we’re still talking about a minimum of 20% of adults. Meaning if you are at a church with 300 attendees on a Sunday morning, then 60 people around you are dealing with an anxiety disorder. So, quite literally, all congregations have members dealing with anxiety disorders.
However, we also must remember the physical component to anxiety. Certain health conditions can cause anxiety, including diabetes, chronic pain, heart disease and thyroid problems. Outside of other health conditions, anxiety can come from a chemical imbalance in our brains, a traumatic experience, ongoing stress or being genetically predisposed. None of those things can be controlled.
I also want to acknowledge the healing power of God here. I have seen Him do miraculous things and heal people. My firm belief is we can pray for and receive healing from anxiety. However, I also know God’s will isn’t always healing on earth. God isn’t any less faithful for not healing someone of anxiety. And it doesn’t reflect his or her faith in any way. Through my years of dealing with various chronic health conditions, I’ve learned these lessons the hard way.
What anxiety and faith look like together
A few years ago, my husband and I were discussing a difficult situation that worried us. My husband is incredibly great at compartmentalizing. He also does well with leaving his worries with God. We were talking about how we handled our worry differently. He mentioned that he trusted God would take care of the situation. I realized I didn’t completely believe that.
Let me explain. I prayed about the same situation and knew that God would work in and through it. However, I didn’t believe it would necessarily work out positively. My husband’s faith was in God’s work to resolve the problem. My faith was that no matter what happened with the outcome, God would be with me. Neither of us were wrong, but my approach certainly leaves room for anxiety.
I like to think I was just being realistic. But, I think more than anything, my perspective came from my anxiety struggles. While my husband could list off all the things that could go wrong, he was able to not fret about them because they hadn’t happened (and might never happen). On the other hand, my mind can get an a runaway anxiety train thinking of all the possible outcomes while still trusting God won’t leave me.
Logically, I know God is in control, but anxiety isn’t logical. One of my worst times of anxiety was right around when my oldest daughter was born. We went on vacation and took her with us onto a large dock with a floating restaurant. I was nearly paralyzed with anxiety because I could just see her stroller going off the dock and into the lake. In my head, that’d just be it. She’d drown. In reality, we had her nowhere near the edge. And had the stroller somehow gone in, my husband or I would have been in the water right afterward to get her to safety. But reality doesn’t often factor into anxiety.
Moving forward in faith with anxiety
Since anxiety disorders are like any other health issue, if we aren’t healed of them, then we need to figure out how to manage them and move forward in spite of them. We can move forward in both practical and spiritual ways.
1. Pray.
Everything should start with prayer, even managing anxiety and faith. You can definitely pray for healing (and I encourage you to), but you can also pray for help handling your anxiety. I do this quite often. I ask God to help me stop thinking about something I’m dwelling on. Or I pray that He helps me to know if a worry is something I need to act on or just have peace about. For example, when it’s the middle of the night and I hear a slight noise that gets my mind reeling with all the bad things it could be.
We have Biblical instruction for doing this very thing, and what I love most is that God promises us peace. While I’ve had my fair share of anxious moments that get my heart racing, I have also felt the peace of God come over and still me in the midst of it.
Related Bible verse: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
2. Find a Bible verse to comfort you.
The Bible has so many verses about the peace and comfort of God. It reminds us of His presence in our lives. Find a verse that speaks to and calms your heart. (If you don’t have one, ask God to help you find one.) Memorize it and repeat it as often as needed.
For me, that verse is Isaiah 41:10 (see below). I learned the first part of it in third grade and it has stuck with me. I’ve repeated it to myself so many times through the years in different situations and at different times. I’ve used the second part of the verse as a breath prayer. God’s Word is powerful. It truly can cast out fear!
Related Bible verse: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
3. Listen to encouraging music.
Music can minister to us in so many ways. God has spoken to me so many times through songs, even songs I’ve heard and sung for years. Christian music is a part of my life. While it can encourage and uplift me, it also stays in my head. Sometimes a song stuck in my head is just what I need to hear at just the right moment. My anxiety and faith battle in song lyrics!
Recently, I was having a difficult time and kept thinking, “I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.” Every single time I thought that, “Jireh” from Elevation Worship and Maverick City popped into my head with, “I’ve never been more loved than I am right now.” It helped me turn my focus around to God and the truth, which I definitely needed to do.
Related Bible verse: “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.” – Colossians 3:16 (NIV)
4. Monitor what you watch.
I’ve learned to be careful what I watch. Watching TV news only increases my anxiety. It’s so negative and so dismal. It can add a variety of thoughts to my head that I don’t need. But so can fictional television shows and movies. I’m a sensitive person and always have been. I remember watching a scary movie in fourth grade at a slumber party and can still recall scenes from that movie to this day.
I am not into the murder shows, police shows, medical dramas and so many other things because they only increase my anxiety. And it turns out that God knew this way before I was born. His Word admonishes us to be careful what we watch for a reason!
Related Bible verse: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
5. Think through worst-case scenarios.
This one totally sounds counterintuitive. I sometimes get easily sidetracked and anxious thinking of all the worst-case scenarios. But, years ago my husband challenged me to think of the worst-case scenario of my worries. Then, he said, come up with the solution. Often that helps ease my anxiety because I have a plan. And I love having a plan!
If I come up with the worst-case scenario (and my brain is good at that), I think of what would happen if that scenario came to pass. This works also because it makes me start thinking more practically and realistically – the opposite of how anxiety makes me think.
Related Bible verse: “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” – Luke 14:28 (NIV)
6. Talk about it.
Anxiety is good at lying to us. It can make problems seem so much bigger than they are. When I have trouble dealing with something or moving on from it, it helps to talk about it with someone I trust. For me, that’s my husband. Often just saying the words out loud help my anxiety and faith meet as I realize what I’m worried about isn’t such a big deal.
We weren’t made to bear our burdens alone. Along with being able to go to God, we also need to have people who we can turn to and trust when our burdens weigh us down. Saying a worry out loud removes at least some of its power.
Related Bible verse: “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:10a (NIV)
7. Distract yourself.
I’m not advocating for denial here, but distracting yourself from your thoughts is a good way to help manage your anxiety. Find healthy ways to distract yourself or ground yourself in the moment. I have a coloring app on my phone that I find soothing and often use to unwind and relax.
I’ve also tried some mindfulness and grounding techniques when my anxiety starts to get away from me. For me, this is just stopping my thoughts and shifting my focus to what I can see, feel and hear. It’s beyond just acknowledging those things but really paying attention to them. (Find more relaxation tips and strategies in this article I wrote for the IC Network.) Sometimes what we need most is just a break from our anxious thoughts.
Related Bible verse: “A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God.” – Ecclesiastes 2:24 (NIV)
8. Believe you CAN improve.
A major lie anxiety likes to tell us is that we will always feel this way. We don’t have hope for the future and have no reason to try and do better. I’ve been down that path both with anxiety and my other health issues; I get it. I still have days where I think this is the best it gets. But I am continuing to learn that a bad day, week or even month doesn’t mean it will always be bad.
The first step toward making progress is allowing yourself to believe –truly believe– that you can improve. And then you must remind yourself that you are worth the work. I’ve learned that I need to embrace these two concepts when I get stuck and need to move forward. I’m thankful for my husband who also gently pushes me to not just accept “this is how things are.” Even if your anxiety isn’t healed or isn’t just a phase, you can always learn new ways to help manage it. Try new things. Seek professional help. Take medication. Don’t stop trying.
Let me reassure you that God made you. You are worthwhile. He doesn’t make junk, my friend. You are worth the effort needed to improve. Tiny baby steps forward are still steps forward. God has plans to give you a future and a hope!
Related Bible verse: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
9. Get professional help.
A negative way anxiety and faith can overlap is by trying to convince you that since you have faith you don’t need help. Go back and read the section about the physical component of anxiety. You can try helping yourself. Sometimes that works! But, sometimes it doesn’t because you need more help than you can give yourself.
Think of it like treating yourself when you’re sick. When you first start feeling a scratchy throat, you might drink more liquids and go to bed early. However, if you wake up the next day with a swollen throat and a fever, you know you need to see your doctor and be checked for strep throat. Treat your anxiety the same way. Try things to help yourself, but if it stays the same or gets worse, seek help. There is no shame in seeking help from a medical professional or counselor. God has given us knowledge and resources. We should not be ashamed to use those resources!
Related Bible verse: “Plans are established by seeking advice; so if you wage war, obtain guidance.” – Proverbs 20:18 (NIV) (Additional note: I left in this entire verse, because we are waging a war on anxiety. It applies!)
10. Focus on who God Is.
When we’re dealing with anxiety, we can feel like everything is shifting. Everything is murky, and nothing makes sense. That’s all the more reason to focus on who God is. He is unchanging, faithful and true. That’s incredibly comforting with or without anxiety.
I remember distinctly a Sunday morning during a really bad time in my life. I’m not sure what the sermon was about that morning. I was too distracted first by my worries but then by the cross at the front of the sanctuary. God spoke into my heart and reminded me the He loves me and sent His Son to die for me. When you aren’t able to cling to anything else, you can cling to God’s love. Shift your focus onto who He is and allow His presence and comfort to flow into you.
Related Bible verses: “As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” – Psalms 18:30 (NIV)
“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.” – 1 John 4:9 (NIV)
What if you saw yourself like your loved ones see you?
I was putting my son to bed recently, and he was having a difficult time. His 8-year-old self was upset with a mistake he had made. It was a very small mistake. He didn’t get in trouble for it. Nobody was upset, hurt or angry. But he was treating himself as if he had physically harmed someone else. He looked at me and asked whether I think he’s too hard on himself.
I know he knows the answer, because we’ve told him this many times. However, maybe he needed to hear it again. So I said yes, I do think he is too hard on himself. Then he asked where he gets it from. He knows the answer to this as well. Both my husband and I have shared with him a few times that I am the same way with myself. Yet, again I answered.
In all sincerity, he looked at me and asked incredulously, “Why are you hard on yourself?”
He said it in a way that he truly didn’t understand why I’d be hard on myself. He is my son, my baby boy, who adores me. From the beginning of his life, he’s been my sidekick. He has quite literally chosen to be with me instead of friends quite a few times during his life thus far.
My son sees me in a different light than I see myself. He sees good things. I’m thankful for that. It left me wondering, though, why am I so hard on myself? More importantly, how can I start being kinder to me and teach my son to do the same?
What being hard on yourself looks like
I can’t speak for everyone; I can only tell you what being hard on yourself looks like for me. Unfortunately I see my son doing some of these same things, and it breaks my heart. He is a chip off the old block, so to speak.
Being hard on myself means that when I make a small mistake, I chastise myself as if I have committed a grave error that will affect the rest of humanity for the rest of known time. I ruminate on the mistake. My inner voice says really mean things to myself about me. While I consider myself an encourager to others, I am far from encouraging to myself. In fact, I think I often speak words of encouragement to others because I so constantly need them. Yet when someone does compliment or encourage me, I struggle to believe them.
For me, being hard on yourself means that no matter what you do, it’s never enough. I always find myself wanting. I struggle to acknowledge the good things I’ve done and focus instead on the negative things. While I might accomplish many things in a day, I focus instead on where I failed and the tasks I didn’t get to.
Another way I’m hard on myself is in taking responsibility for when things go wrong or others are upset — even when there is no possible way I’m the cause. I remember doing this even as a child. When I came home from school and my mom had had a bad day at work, I felt like I was responsible. (And I have an incredibly sweet mother who has always been a positive influence in my life. She didn’t take her bad days out on me in any way. I could just sense her feelings and somehow felt I was at fault.)
The truth behind being hard on yourself
I won’t pretend to know the truth on why all people are hard on themselves. I don’t even fully understand why for myself. Instead, I suspect a lot of it (for me, at least) stems from two things: being a people pleaser and a perfectionist.
While I think I’m not a people pleaser so much these days, the truth is I am. I don’t like conflict. As someone who is sensitive to others, I don’t like negative emotions. (Who does?! But, I often quite literally feel what those near me are feeling.) I don’t care what people think about things like what I’m wearing or doing. I’m comfortable in my own skin. However, I really don’t want to upset people around me. I avoid conflict like the plague. So, I guess you could say that I am a people pleaser, even though I don’t want to admit that.
Then there’s the perfectionist side of me, which goes along with people pleasing. I want things to be just so. More than anything, I want to be the person I expect me to be. Sometimes that person conflicts with who I actually am. I’m a quiet introvert. Sometimes I’d love to be gregarious extrovert who confidently walks into a room and chats kindly with everyone they see. Even though I know that isn’t me, I’m often hard on myself when I do just the opposite. As I slump into a room, hope nobody notices me, find a friend I can latch on to and then count the time until I can escape, I am simultaneously mad at myself for not being different.
My perfectionism usually has way less to do with physical attributes and things as much as it does with myself. I want to be perfect, but I am not. I fail and come up short. So then I’m hard on myself.
Learning to be kinder to yourself
I am a work in progress. I certainly haven’t conquered being hard on myself. But I am working on it. I noticed how I was being hard on myself even more after having children. Then I really paid attention when I saw my kiddos being the same way. My daughter has been hard on herself for sure, but my son amps up to my level of being hard on himself.
Like so many things, my desire to improve myself stems from seeing the same struggle in my child and wanting to be better for him. So, I’m working on it.
Doing the best that I can
A few things have helped me give old Stacey a break and not be so stinking hard on her all the time. The first is reminding myself that I’m doing the best that I can. Overall, I really am doing the best that I can at any given time. Yes, there are times I could probably put in more effort, but most of the time I have given my all and that has to be enough. Because it’s all that I have to give. Often I repeat to myself when I start getting mean inside my head: “I’m doing the best that I can.”
I tell my son the same thing. As a dyslexic, he can be very hard on himself about reading and spelling. He wants to always have perfect scores on assignments and tests. I can only begin to imagine how frustrating it is when words are everywhere and everyone else reads them with ease while you struggle. I remind him often that his dad, teachers and I only expect him to do his best. His best is good enough. He is doing his best, and that’s all that matters.
Letting go of perfection
The other thing that I strive to remind myself is that I’m not perfect. While I know I’m not perfect, I often behave and treat myself in the opposite fashion. I need to cut myself some slack.
I’ve also realized the good that comes from not being perfect and shared that with my son the other night. I told him that he isn’t perfect. And neither am I. None of us are. If we were perfect, we wouldn’t need Jesus. He hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I don’t want to go through this life without Jesus. He has seen me through so many things and loves me in ways I don’t understand. If I were perfect, I wouldn’t need Him. I don’t want to imagine what that would be like. Truly, I don’t. So not being perfect really is OK. His strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Seeing you as others do
Finally, I’ve been thinking about what if I saw myself the way my son does. What if he saw himself the way I do? How would that change our opinions of ourselves? I don’t think I’d be as hard on myself; neither would he.
When I look at my baby boy, I saw a young man who is persistent, kind, empathetic, caring, sweet, hilarious, thoughtful and so much more. He can solve problems and come up with solutions better than anyone I know. He thinks outside of the box. I often refer to him as “my little man with a plan,” because of how his mind works. There is no way I’d trade him for any other son. He is just right!
I can’t tell you exactly how he sees me. But, I hope my family sees that I love them and am trying every single day to do my best for them. I want to be their support system and soft place to fall. My desire is to encourage them and uplift them. Hopefully, they see my sensitivity, my empathy and my love for Jesus. Perhaps they see the strength I’ve used to overcome various challenges. I have good qualities. I need to do is focus on those more often.
Can you imagine how much my attitude would change if I allowed myself to peak at the good things God sees in me? He truly knows me. Even in my relationship with Him, I can imagine Him shaking His head at my faults. But He knows we aren’t perfect. He sent His Son to die because of how much He knows this! He is a loving Father who sees us as a whole person. Just like I see the struggles and faults my kids have, I also see much more the goodness and strengths they have.
Next time you are being hard on yourself, remember that you are doing the best you can and you aren’t perfect. Then take a moment to step back and look at yourself the way those who love you — including your heavenly Father — do. I’m going to do the same thing!
This year has brought challenges that most of us didn’t expect when we rang in the new year on January 1. My blog post published on January 2 talked about how I wanted to make sure I kept focused on the things that really matter in life like making memories with my family. I had no idea those memories would include months and months of being at home and helping my kids virtual school full-time.
Of course 2020 has been collectively a difficult and challenging year. Its challenges aren’t going to go away any time soon either. But, like all of us, I’ve had other difficult years. I’ve lived through years I thought really, truly might break me.
I recently went back and read something I wrote at the end of 2013. Even now seven years later, my husband and I still say the only good thing that came out of that year was the birth of our son — and that happened at the end of January.
The rest of the year included all sorts of difficult struggles. It was a year during which we survived. We certainly didn’t thrive. We dragged ourselves to Dec. 31, 2013 with hopes 2014 would be better.
Some years are like that. This year has been like that for many folks. We’ve survived the year, but we haven’t done a lot of thriving. I don’t think anyone is going to hate seeing 2020 finally come to an end.
Finding the good in the midst of bad
However, 2020 wasn’t only bad. Whenever I have a bad year, that’s what I’ve learned I must remember. Each year has both good and bad parts. For the years with more bad than good, we struggle to remember the good stuff sometimes.
Back at the end of 2013, I remember sitting down to write about it and deleting half of what I first typed. I didn’t want to focus on the negative. I wasn’t sure the positive would take many words. But I surprised myself with how many good memories I had from the year.
That’s the challenge for 2020. I know you have good memories from this year. I do. As we close out this year and say good riddance to it, what have been some of your best moments of the year? What are you thankful for?
I can’t speak collectively for all of us. Some moments this year were good for some and not for others. But I can speak for myself.
Good moments of 2020
My children have an early spring break, so we were able to have a spring break trip this year before things went completely sideways. We spent a couple of days at an indoor water park and then they went on a short trip with my parents. Those water park memories were good, but they are even better when viewed with the perspective of the rest of the year!
Being at home more, we did more fun things like playing games together.
We got creative in celebrating Easter this year and ate tacos for Easter dinner.
At the end of June, we spent a week at the lake with my parents and a few days with my brother and his family. My son caught his first fish. I delighted in watching my kids go tubing for their first time. My daughter and I pretended to be otters floating in the lake, completely relaxed. It was a restorative time and a bit of a break from reality. (We still only got food as take-out and made bathroom trips incredibly fast and masked up on the way there and back.)
My husband and I got to be a bigger part of our kids’ first day of school than usual, because we set up for school at home from the start of this school year.
We watched lots of movies and shows together at home.
Our family has laughed and come up with more inside jokes than usual.
We’ve had some great conversations as a family around the table and anywhere we are.
The puppy got in on the action with even more snuggles than usual, which has made all of us happy.
We’ve read through numerous books as a family and not only had more time to read them but also to talk about them.
We got creative for Halloween and hosted a party and Halloween hunt for our parents in lieu of trick-or-treating. We had such fun coming up with snacks and making decorations and games.
I played hostess for Thanksgiving this year with my parents and in-laws. We all contributed food and enjoyed each other’s company. Being together was a blessing!
The list could continue on of the good memories from this year!
Thankfulness in 2020
Along with good memories, the year has many things for which to be thankful. The first thing that pops into my head is that I’m thankful to end this year with a healthy family. My loved ones whom I have most been concerned for have had some other health issues not related to the pandemic, but we are all healthy overall.
I am also thankful for the strength God has given me to get through the year. We started out the pandemic with my husband completely incapacitated after having rotator cuff repair surgery. The first few weeks of quarantine and virtual school were quite intense.
This year I’ve become even more thankful for our new home and the space we have now to spread out for things like virtual schooling.
I’m thankful for our puppy as well. We celebrated his first birthday in May. He brought us lots of love, laughter and cuddles throughout everything this year has held.
I am very grateful for pick-up at stores. While I appreciated grocery pick-up before, I REALLY appreciate it now. I haven’t been inside a store to shop in months. I completed all my Christmas shopping online and had items delivered to me or picked them up without getting out of my car.
Above all, I am thankful for God. He has been faithful, as always, through every moment of this year. God wasn’t surprised or caught off-guard by anything in 2020. He remains faithful and good through every single moment.
Acknowledge the challenge
Looking back at a difficult year to find the positive doesn’t mean that we aren’t acknowledging the negative. This year has also held heart-wrenching moments. We do have to acknowledge those.
As we are doing so, though, we must also take note of what we learned and how we grew through those difficulties. I’ve learned some of the most important lessons of my life through hard times and difficulties. I’m thankful for those lessons, because they serve me well the next time a hard time comes around.
This year may also require mourning for what we lost. I am not even speaking of the loss of life. That is a whole other level of mourning and grief that doesn’t even compare to anything else. I know that. I pray for those who have lost loved ones this year whether because of COVID or because of other reasons.
What I mean by mourning in this instance is acknowledging what we missed out on this year. I think of family events that were canceled. Graduations that were different. Proms that weren’t held. I think of fun at recess that’s been missed. And school programs that were canceled. There were church services held online instead of in person.
So many things were challenging about this year. We had to change our way of life — and that doesn’t come without growing pains.
What I’ve learned, though, is that while we must acknowledge the hard times, we don’t want to get stuck there. Getting stuck in the hard stuff for too long is the problem. And that’s when we go back around to remember the good parts of the year. That’s when we start going through what we’re grateful for.
So let’s process what we went through in 2020 and look forward to what another year will bring.
One Xennial’s look at lessons from 9/11, the 2008 financial crisis and the pandemic
Xennials: a micro-generation between Generation X and Millenialls. The general consensus is people born between 1977 and 1985. This generation had an analog childhood and digital adulthood.
A few weeks ago, I came across the following meme on social media about how major world events have shaped Xennials. As someone born in 1979, I’m fully in the Xennial range and was struck by the post.
I’ve thought about it off and on since I first read it. I have had these experiences at these times in my life, and they have impacted me.
Remembering 9/11
Like most everyone who is old enough to remember 9/11, I know exactly where I was and what I was doing that day. I was in the Department of Journalism at my university working as a graduate assistant. Mornings were my favorite because they were peaceful.
I remember the professor who told me what happened when I was going to the copy room. Later, I met my mom and grandma for lunch and talked about it. While a feeling of unease consumed the country, we also came together in grief.
Previous to 9/11, there were other major events that I knew about. The first major news story I remember, for example, is the explosion of the Challenger. I was in high school during the Oklahoma City bombing and a freshman in college during the Columbine shooting.
But, as a graduate student and relative newlywed in September of 2001, I was starting to think about my future even more. I was that much closer to becoming a full-fledged adult.
While I can’t say for sure that 9/11 completely impacted my career path after graduation in December of 2002, I also can’t say it didn’t. However, I know it impacted my personal life.
Life lessons from 9/11
For Xennials like me, the terrorist attacks were our first real-life experience of knowing that the world as we knew it could change collectively in the blink of an eye. It was the first world event I’d lived through that truly impacted everyone I knew in some way. We talked about it with friends, teachers, classmates, family members and complete strangers. We were all processing the information and dealing with it.
Some things changed after 9/11 and haven’t gone back to how they were previously. Now going through airport security is different than it was before September of 2001. Metal detectors and bag searches at large events have become the norm.
In my personal life, though, I also experienced change after 9/11. I kept thinking about the people who said good-bye (or didn’t) to their loved ones that morning not knowing it would be the last time they’d speak.
I made it more priority to tell my husband good-bye and that I loved him when we were parting ways. Nowadays that happens much less because we both work from home most of the time, but I still continue with that habit any time he has to be gone for a while.
Sure, I might have developed such a habit without living through 9/11. But I think I developed it sooner since the event really struck home to me how saying good-bye to someone could end up being good-bye forever. And if that’s the case, I want to make sure it’s a positive one.
Remembering the 2008 financial crisis
As life continued forward from 9/11, we had our share of personal ups and downs. A chronic health issue I thought had gone away came screaming back into my life. My mother-in-law had a heart attack, my dad a major accident and my grandma passed away.
But then 2007 came. It was the year before the financial crisis officially hit worldwide, but it hit for us personally. Having been married for eight years at that point, my husband and I lived primarily on his income. His job in IT was better paying and steadier than my work as a freelance journalist. He also had full benefits; I had none.
Then he lost his job, and we entered our own financial crisis. It took a year for him to find another job. A year. It was difficult. I struggled with anxiety during that time in a whole new level than ever before.
He hired on with a new employer just a couple of months before the 2008 financial crisis hit. So many others were now starting to go through what we were just starting to claw our way back from.
Learning from the 2008 financial crisis
While our crisis was a year early, I’d say by far the biggest lesson yet again was how fast everything can change. I remember the day my husband came home and told me he’d lost his job as clearly as I remember 9/11.
But I also learned a few things throughout the crisis. I learned that somehow God always provided. I look back even now and still don’t know how we made it through. We used credit cards. We drained our savings and even dipped into my husband’s 401(k), but we never missed a mortgage payment. Our house wasn’t foreclosed or our cars repossessed. God met our needs.
My husband’s unemployment check, which we got for a few months, came through right when we ran out of resources for paying our mortgage. Our needs were met. There wasn’t any wiggle room, but we survived.
During this time my husband and I developed the attitude of: “I’d rather go through hard times with you than good times without you.”
My takeaway from 9/11 of saying good-bye to my husband came into play again when he got his new job. I’d say good-bye and then my anxiety would tell me I wouldn’t see him alive again. I learned also how to rebuild and find my way through such anxiety with God’s help. It was hard, but we were stronger in so many ways for having gotten through the financial crisis.
Remembering the beginning of the pandemic
Clearly I can’t look back and tell you how exactly the pandemic has changed things, because we are still in the midst of it. But I can tell you the so far. Just like with the 2008 financial crisis, we had our own problems going on when the pandemic began.
COVID-19 was a bit on our radar, but we were distracted by life with two school-aged kids and by planning for my husband to have rotator cuff repair surgery on March 11. His surgery went well. However, that evening, the university my children’s school is part of announced it was going to remote learning the next Monday. The next day my children’s school followed suit.
My level of overwhelm was high! My husband needed so much help. I still had my own work to figure out along with managing his post-op care and teaching our kids. Oh, and I learned we needed to get supplies because the shelves were bare. My dad made a couple of grocery trips for us then I was finally able to go myself. Grocery pick-up was too overwhelmed for me to utilize it as I had been anyway.
Shocked cannot truly describe how I felt when I went into a regional superstore and saw so many empty shelves and freezer cases. I bought everything I could think of that we’d need and that they had from food to toiletries. I hoped it was enough.
Learning from the pandemic
I’d wager a guess that I still have lessons to learn from the pandemic. Even now six months into dealing with it, the end isn’t in sight. There will be more to come.
But the pandemic has continued to shape me thus far. Now I have enough living under my belt to know that I have survived and made it through much more difficult times personally. I have learned that I can work, care for my husband and keep my kids going with remote learning.
I can get creative with my supplies as well. I’m not shopping in-person, so if we run out of something before I do a re-order then I figure out ways around it. I make sure our supplies stay stocked so that I always have a back-up of most toiletries and paper goods.
Dining out is something I took for granted in the past and will enjoy again one of these days, but for now I will be OK with cooking at home all the time and getting takeout as a treat.
Mostly, I’ve learned that I love the simple stuff most. I love being able to just hang out with my husband and children. Visits with my in-laws and parents — who are all continuing to isolate as much as possible — are that much sweeter than they were before. We can have good summer evenings on the front porch.
I have also reaffirmed that I will do whatever it takes to keep my family safe and protected, even if that means sacrificing even more of myself to do so. Making decisions throughout this pandemic has been challenging since information can be fluid as researchers learn new things. But for a variety of reasons, we are choosing to err very much on the side of caution. Even though it isn’t always easy, it is right for us.
A big picture look
As a Xennial, some of my big picture moments have been accompanied by major world events. I won’t say it’s any harder for my generation than others before us. Each generation has its own struggles.
I just know that these historic events have impacted me at pivotal stages. Sept. 11 came right as I was becoming a full-fledged adult. The financial crisis came after my husband and I had settled into our professional lives. And the pandemic arrived in the middle of our child-rearing years.
These historic events, however, are just like major events in my personal life. They shape me. They may tweak my views a bit, but I learn to adapt and move on. How I react to them is up to me.
I can complain and grouse. I can focus on what was lost or changed. Or I can focus on what is good in the midst of the struggle. I can take a moment to just appreciate something as “simple” as a beautiful sunset. Overall, life is short. One struggle will usually be replaced by another (at least at some point). You’ve just got to roll with it.
A recent biopsy has me re-evaluating my priorities
Back in the fall of 2013, I went with my husband to a health fair through his employer. One of the offered tests was an ultrasound of arteries in your neck. We both did that. His came back fine. My arteries were fine, but the technician found nodules on my thyroid.
Since then, I’ve had my nodules checked annually. (Thankfully the nodules don’t affect my thyroid’s function or interfere with my swallowing.) I had a biopsy the first year that came back benign. My scan in 2018 showed some growth, so I had to have another biopsy. I was anxious, but everything was again benign. My 2019 scan showed additional growth, so I had to go for another biopsy. I wasn’t very anxious going into the biopsy.
I went into the office and held still while the doctor took samples from two different spots. After she takes the samples, the doctor leaves the room to do a preliminary reading. I have to stay lying down.
As I was lying there, still not feeling too nervous, I started to think about how the results coming back could change my life and perspective. While I expected benign findings, I knew cancerous findings would dramatically change things.
Fortunately, the findings were that the nodules continue to be benign and nothing to worry about. I will keep check on them, because it’s not worth the risk to ignore them.
But in talking with my husband as we ate Mexican food on the way home from the biopsy, I mentioned to him how I had thought about my perspective shifting depending on what the biopsy showed.
This is a busy season of life with two young school-aged children. I have a lot on my plate right now from work to kids’ activities to running a household (and keeping a lively puppy out of things!). Sometimes that gets to me. Sometimes I get cranky, stressed and even angry. I try to be a woman full of love and grace, yet sometimes I’m more of a woman full of exhaustion and frustration.
God pricked at my heart to show me some changes I need to make. I thought about what my priorities actually are. If my nodules had come back cancerous, what would I be worried about? I can tell you my worries would certainly shift.
I’d worry less about the places to be, chores to complete and work to be done. I’d worry more about spending time with my family, enjoying every minute I can and doing things that truly matter.
I concluded that’s what I need more of in the new year and beyond. I am starting with some shifts in what I’m doing. I love my work, but for the parts that don’t HAVE to be done, I’m giving myself some grace along the way. I put a lot of additional pressure and stress on myself, and sometimes I need to just let it go.
My body pays a price for everything I do from typing on the keyboard to stirring cookie dough thanks to fibromyalgia. So my time is better spent on what matters.
In 20 years, my kids won’t talk about the chores I did or homemade goodies I made. They’ll laugh about the memories I made doing things with them.
One of my prized Christmas memories from childhood is playing a board game with my dad on Christmas morning after we had opened gifts. I can’t tell you what we ate that year or even what other gifts I got. What I cherish most is the good memories made with him.
That’s what I’m focusing on going into 2020. My kids are growing every year. My daughter is already maturing and losing some of the wander of childhood. I know my son isn’t too far behind.
I want to enjoy them as much as I can. If that means I take some shortcuts in the kitchen, post a few less blog posts, let laundry go a couple of extra days and do more online shopping then so be it.
Sometimes what we need most is the reminder of what truly matters.
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