Families With Grace

Helping Christian moms create homes filled with grace, love & faith

Tag: Marriage Tips

Couple goals every Christian marriage needs

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

12 relationship goals to set with your spouse

For a while, I often saw #CoupleGoals on various photos of couples on social media. Usually these were couples being lovey-dovey and usually I was doubtful how authentic they were. But these aren’t the kind of couple goals that we need in Christian marriages. We need to focus on our own relationship and not worry about anyone else’s.

My husband and I started off our marriage on a different path from many other couples from the very beginning. We got married in between my sophomore and junior years of college. Many people were naysayers about us getting married so young. And I understand that. It’s not the right choice for most, but it was the right choice for us. I’ve never regretted becoming a missus at age 20.

Couple goals every Christian marriage needs Pinterest image 1

So early on, my husband and I learned to pave our own path with our marriage and relationship. In the 23 years since then, we’ve made our path work, and I love it. We didn’t sit down on our wedding day and come up with set goals. But, before we got married and in all the years since, we have talked about our relationship and our plans. We’ve worked together to envision what the future looks like for us as a couple. That’s what I think truly encompasses couple goals.

Whether you’re about to get married, one year into marriage, 10 years in or 25 years in, it’s never too late to talk about your marriage and what you need. This is the perfect time to set couple goals, starting with some of these ideas.

1. Go on regular date nights.

In the first decade of our marriage, going on regular date nights wasn’t much of a challenge. We didn’t have kids! But, especially since having our oldest 13 years ago, we learned we need to make spending time alone together a couples goal.

I remember when our oldest was a toddler and my husband and I had an evening to ourselves. In our conversation that evening, my husband told me he thought we’d have some work to do to reconnect with each other once the kids were grown and moved out. We decided we needed to be proactive to keep from growing apart during the hectic years of having small children.

We have found it easier to not have a set date night we adhere to, because life is unpredictable at best. Instead, we make use of the time we do have. And we get creative. For example, earlier this week we took our dog to be groomed after dropping the kids off at school and then had a quick breakfast out together alone.

2. Find new ways to connect.

In making dates a priority, we also work to find new ways to connect with one another. We do enjoy date nights of going out to eat and/or to a movie. But, we also want to find new ways to connect with one another. We have gone to paint pottery together in the past. We’ve walked through home stores and dreamed together.

Most recently, we’ve tried out date night boxes. For Christmas 2022, my husband gave me a subscription to a date night box from Crated with Joy. Each box is themed and comes with suggestions for movies, food, games and activities. Our first box, for example, included a gratitude journal for us to each fill out for 14 days about our partner. The boxes have been a great way for us to reconnect and have fun in new ways.

3. Enjoy hobbies together.

If you’d have asked me when we were first married whether my husband and I would find hobbies we’d do together, I probably would have been confused. My biggest hobbies are solo ventures. But, within the first few years of our marriage, I started taking an interest in his hobbies. I love him, and so I wanted to know more about the things he loves.

And that’s how I became a gamer. My husband has enjoyed role-playing games since long before I met him. (Since we met when I was 14 and he was 16, that’s pretty significant!) I never quite understood the draw to them. I decided to combine my hobby of reading with his hobby of role playing by reading a fictional book series based in the Dungeons and Dragons setting. Before I knew it, “The Legend of Drizzt” series became my all-time favorite, and I eased my way into gaming.

Having shared hobbies is an important couple goal because it lets you connect in different ways than usual.

4. Worship together regularly.

As a Christian couple, my husband and I have always felt like God is the third person in our marriage. And so one of our couple goals is to connect with God together. A great way to do that is through worship. A few months after we got married, my husband started a class that took place all day on Sundays. For a year, I went to church alone as a married woman.

When his class ended and we were able to go to church together once again, I appreciated it all the more. I love sitting beside him in church and joining together to worship and grow spiritually. Just this past Sunday, I closed my eyes during our praise songs and was blessed to hear my husband singing on the left of me and my kids singing on the right. My heart was full and I reminded that no matter what is going on, I am so very blessed!

5. Find ways to discuss big topics peacefully.

Communication has to be on any list of couple goals. No matter how well you and your spouse get along, there are hot-button topics that need to be discussed and resolved. I’m talking about the big stuff like finances and parenting.

When we were figuring out finances as a couple, we decided to work on them together, but I’d be the primary person dealing with bill paying. Mostly that’s because I stress a lot less when I know what’s going on! However, that also meant whenever we had a discussion about our finances, especially if money was tight, I’d take it personally. I would feel attacked and assume I was messing up.

We had to work through that. Now, I still can have moments when I start to take it personally, and my husband will pause to remind me (nicely) that I don’t need to. We’re just having a conversation.

Figure out each other’s hot button topics and then learn how to communicate in spite of them. You don’t want to use those against each other, but rather to help each other.

Couple Goal: Figure out each other's hot button topics and then learn how to communicate in spite of them. You don't want to use those against each other, but rather to help each other.

6. Laugh together regularly.

As a married couple, you want to have fun together. Nothing is more indicative of fun than laughter. Make laughter a priority. Set it as a goal. Find ways you can laugh together. My husband gets my sense of humor and makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world. He always has.

Life is hard. Keeping a sense of humor is important. Once you’re in the habit of laughing together regularly, you can even indulge in gallows humor to get your through the hard times. For example, a few years ago, as I was recovery from one of my pelvic surgeries, I was slowly walking laps around our living room to try and get some movement in. It was a struggle. My second time around, my husband started playing the “William Tell Overture.” I was off to the races! He gave me a much needed laugh.

7. Study the Bible together.

Another great couples goal for Christian marriages is to study the Bible together. This has had a few iterations in our decades of marriage. We have done specific couples Bible studies just the two of us. We have family devotion time with our children. And, more recently, we’ve found a small group study through our church we can attend as a couple.

One of the things I love most about studying the Bible with my husband is hearing his insight. He is such a smart man. I’m thankful to hear his perspective on spiritual topics, which is sometimes different from my own. He makes me think, and I’m glad for that. I hope I do the same for him.

8. Parent together.

We approach life as a team. That teamwork mentality has continued into parenting. Before we even had children, we talked about how we wanted to raise them. And since having children, we’ve continued having those discussions. We talk about how we want to discipline, the lessons we want to teach them and how we can parent them better.

We have agreed on many things, while on others we haven’t and have had to work through them to come to a solution. Our goal is to present a united front to our children. We want to be on the same page so they don’t get confused or anxious as a result.

9. Don’t make threats you don’t mean.

When we got married, my husband and I made it a goal to not threaten each other with things we didn’t mean. Sometimes when people are upset, they say things to be mean or hurtful in order to lash out. For example, we decided early on that if either of us talked about divorce, we’d better mean it. Divorce wasn’t a threat to throw around lightly.

Threats are just hurtful to a relationship and have no place in good communication. Make it a goal to not use threats with your spouse.

10. Pray together and for each other.

Prayer is an important part of Christian marriage. My husband and I pray for each other more than we pray together, because that’s what works for us. But both are important. Coming before God jointly is powerful in your relationship with each other and with God.

Praying on your own for each other is powerful as well. I pray daily for my husband as he is dealing with life, work and family. When he is having a difficult time with something, I remind him I’m praying for him and do so. There’s something comforting about knowing someone loves us enough to bring us before God.

11. Speak kindly to and about each other.

Another great couple goal is to strive to use kind words to each other. This goes as far as asking nicely for the other to do a chore that needs doing. If I can speak kindly to strangers I encounter at the grocery store, surely I can speak kindly to the man I’m sharing my life with. Yet, sometimes it can be difficult. So, sometimes I just keep my mouth shut!

We also work to speak positively about each other outside of our relationship. Neither of us are perfect. I know my husband has things he could grouse about when it comes to me. And I have the same about him. But, we don’t focus on those things, and we don’t talk about them with other people. Instead our goal is to speak positively about each other to our children and everyone else.

12. Give each other grace.

You know I have to include this one! I think giving grace to each other should be a couple goal for every marriage. I want so much to have a grace-filled marriage. I want my husband to give me grace when I fall short because I’m not perfect. In return, I need to also give him grace when he falls short. We all have bad days and bad moments. Oftentimes, a little grace can go a long way to avoid arguments and hurt feelings. And it makes us feel more loved and understood in the end.

Marriage advice: keep a sense of a humor

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

Laughter is important for a happy marriage

For 22 years now, I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart. We are together more than we are apart, especially since we both work from home and share a home office. In fact, I’m typing this blog post at my desk while he’s at his desk a few feet away working on his computer. (Don’t ask me to explain what he’s doing, because I don’t understand most of his work as an IT security consultant!) We’ve learned lots of things through our couple of decades being hitched and we’ve got all sorts of marriage advice to dole out.

In fact, for this post, I asked my husband for some of his marriage advice or what we do well in our relationship. He gave me a few ideas like communicating well or working from home together, which I’ve written about. And then he mentioned a sense of humor. I’ve not talked about that so much, and I think I’ve been failing you guys in that regard. A sense of humor is a big part of a happy marriage.

You don’t take yourselves too seriously.

I’m human. My husband’s human. Neither of us are perfect. We mess up and make mistakes. Laughing about some of these mistakes keeps us from taking the mess ups too seriously. Obviously, some things aren’t funny no matter what. But other things really are.

Probably one of the things we laugh about most is miscommunication. When it comes to marriage advice, you must address miscommunication, because it happens!

For example, a couple of weeks ago, my husband was telling me about an article he read. Some homeowners put a rude note on their door about Halloween. My husband commented that people replied saying the homeowners might as well hang their own TP.

Now, typed out, you know that “TP” stands for “toilet paper.” Spoken aloud, however, as we were in the midst of folding towels and telling the kids to get ready for bed, my mind went to “teepee.” I didn’t get the joke. I thought maybe if those people were skipping Halloween, they were going straight to Thanksgiving and putting up a teepee to honor the Native Americans. But that didn’t really make sense. And who hangs a teepee anyway?

My husband noted my confusion. In just a few words, we cleared up my mistake and then laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks about my error.

While this was a small miscommunication of basically no consequence on our marriage, it is just one example of times we learn to laugh together at ourselves. Had my husband rudely laughed at me and declared I was stupid, then I wouldn’t have found it funny at all. But we’ve both learned to laugh at ourselves over small mistakes like this one. And even better, we can laugh at them together. You know the saying, “I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you.” That applies tenfold in a marriage. It ought to be found in marriage advice books.

There have also been times that I haven’t found humor in my mistakes, and my husband has helped me see that humor – in a kind and gentle way. It helps me not take myself too seriously. Life is too short for that!

A sense of humor gives you perspective.

Sometimes little stuff can seem like big stuff, but keeping a sense of humor about it keeps things in perspective. To keep your marriage happy, you’ve got to have that perspective when things go sideways.

My husband and I started our marriage learning the importance of a sense of humor. We were so excited to be married and going on a honeymoon together that we drove to our destination without thinking that cars need gas. Our car had a full tank when we left, and neither of us paid any mind to the gas gauge as we went.

We puttered into the visitor’s center just before our destination on gas fumes. It was a moment that could have been rife with tension. Instead, we figured out how to get to a gas station, fill up the car and keep going. Pretty quickly, we laughed at ourselves for not having thought to get gas. In the grand scheme of life, that extra half hour we spent dealing with a car with no gas was a teeny, tiny blip. It wasn’t worth being mad at each other about. And it certainly gave us a memorable moment!

Sometimes in the small moments that can seem irritating, we need to take a minute to regroup and even laugh. If nothing earth-shattering is going on, is it really worth arguing about? Why not laugh instead of snap?

Laughter is good for the soul.

Research shows laughter is good for your health. I know from experience that laughter is good for the soul, and that goes for the soul of your marriage as well. Sometimes you need that laughter more than others. During those times, the best marriage advice is to find ways to laugh together.

When the COVID-19 pandemic started, my husband was fresh out of surgery for a rotator cuff repair. In fact, the day after my husband’s surgery, my children’s school announced the switch to virtual learning. I was overwhelmed to think of managing his care and their school. It was stressful.

While it got a bit easier as time went by and he was able to do more for himself, it was still a lot to deal with – especially considering we were also dealing with the stress and anxiety of a global pandemic. Though we couldn’t change the circumstances, we could take time to laugh together. So, we watched stand-up comedy together many evenings before bed and laughed.

We found “Dry Bar Comedy,” which is stand-up comedy with clean humor, and we’d laugh together before going to bed. It was a stress reliever we needed individually, but also as a couple. Health issues alone are a challenge to a marriage. Any time one of you has to be the caretaker, it’s a different dynamic. Laughing together helped us feel normal and relieved stress. It was a win all around.

Laughing together brings you closer.

You might have heard the person you look at first when you’re laughing is who you like the most. The could be true, but research has shown for sure that laughing together with someone else makes you feel closer to that person. Seriously. Truthfully, for this marriage advice, I didn’t know there was scientific evidence to back it up until I was researching for this blog post after I wrote this subheading. But I knew it to be true from my relationship with my husband.

We do a variety of things that make me feel closer to him and laughing together is one of them. At any given time, we are juggling various responsibilities and stressors. Life can bog us down, but when we laugh together even in the midst of challenging times, I feel closer to him. It doesn’t even have to be humor related to what we’re dealing with (though we’ve done that, too). It just is spending time together and realizing that life can get hard and crazy but together we can still have fun.

And nobody makes me laugh or truly understands my humor like my husband does. The man knows good puns and dad jokes crack me up. He knows that I laugh way too much at talking animal videos. Sometimes we need laughter to break tension, relieve stress and remind us that we are connected.

You create inside jokes.

Nothing feels worse than being left out of an inside joke with other people. But nothing feels better than being part of an inside joke with someone else. While it’s fun to smile or laugh together at an inside joke, it works well for your marriage because it makes you feel connected. It reminds you that you have a whole history with this person — in a good way.

My husband and I have a few inside jokes that have happened through the years. They evolve naturally. One of perhaps the oddest ones happened years ago before we even had children (and our oldest is 12!). We were walking into Target behind a couple of high schoolers. We overheard part of their conversation that went like this:

Teen 1: I wish I was like Nellie.

Teen 2: I wish I was Nellie.

(And then here comes the kicker.)

Teen 1: I wish my name was Nellie.

I’d guess you aren’t riotously laughing at that exchange right now, but the seriousness of their discussion and that the ultimate wish was to just have a different name made us laugh. We have brought that up at random times. That’s how the best inside jokes are. They aren’t so funny to someone who wasn’t there at the time, but they are to you.

In your marriage, it’s the small stuff like this that brings you closer together, makes you feel good and helps you remember why you love this person.

How to connect with your spouse while raising children

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

6 ways to connect in the busyness of raising kiddos

My husband and I were married for 10 years before our first child was born. We had 10 years of being able to do things like talk without interruption! Now as the parents to an 11-year-old and an 8-year-old life is different, and we can struggle to finish a conversation. Learning how to connect with your spouse in the midst of raising a family can be challenging. We’ve found a few strategies that work for us.

Connecting with your spouse is about more than going on dates. While date night is awesome and I highly encourage it, connection means taking the time to really listen to each other. You certainly can (and sometimes need to) share your deepest feelings, but you also should share the small stuff as well.

I mean all the things you think about in the shower that you mean to talk to your spouse about but don’t get a chance to. Or all the things you start to say and get interrupted. I’d say it even includes some logistical details sometimes that you just need to communicate and connect about. Connection is about sharing life together.

1. Find good times to talk.

One of the best ways to connect with your spouse comes by communicating well. I learned pretty early on in our just over two decades of marriage to start important conversations with the question: “Is this a good time to talk?”

That one question has saved us some grief and arguments in our marriage. Since my husband and I work from home together, we have plenty of opportunities to interrupt each other at inopportune times. So in order to connect with each other, we start with finding the right time to do so.

He may have something he wants to discuss with me and connect with me about right when I’m in the middle of trying to finish an article before my deadline. Or I might need to talk with him about something that happened right when he is preparing for a conference call.

By asking if it’s a good time (and being kind and honest with the question and response), our chance to actually connect improves. Some times are just not convenient times to listen — really listen — to what someone is saying to you.

2. Set boundaries with your kids.

This one looks different depending on your kids’ ages. We haven’t dealt with this with teenagers since our oldest kiddo is 11, but we’ve dealt with it through every stage previous.

The baby days are hard because babies are unpredictable. So, you have to get creative in order to connect with your spouse. When our youngest was a newborn, my husband knew I was struggling. While our daughter had always been a good sleeper, our son wasn’t. I had many nights where I was up the entire night only able to sleep about two hours before our 3-year-old was up for the day. I would literally fall asleep in the middle of saying something to my husband when he got home from work.

One night, my husband left an encouraging note on the changing table reminding me that I could wake him if I needed to. That short note, written on a piece of paper torn from a notebook was the perfect way to connect at that point in our lives.

As our children got older, we got into routines as a family. Their bedtimes coincided. Quiet or nap times overlapped intentionally. Even now they both have to be in their rooms for the night at the same time. So, my husband and I know that by 8:15 p.m., both kiddos should be settled in for the night. That’s important because those are times we know we can connect.

And then there are other times (especially right now with virtual schooling) that we stop our kids from coming into the home office during the day because my husband and I need a moment to connect. Sometimes we connect even by grousing about school assignments together!

3. Utilize kid-free time.

Kid-free time seems like it would be a no-brainer to connect with your spouse, but sometimes we get distracted and spend that time doing other things. I’m an introvert and recharge with quiet. I completely understand that sometimes kid-free time means you just want to not talk or do anything productive. And you need those breaks!

Just make sure that you allow some time for your spouse in the midst of it. Make some time to chat about what’s been going on in your lives or thoughts. My husband and I even end up spending kid-free time talking about the kids. We are in this parenting thing together and sometimes we need to connect about how we’re doing it to make sure we stay on the same page.

When it comes simply to connecting, no topic is taboo, not even your kiddos. The act of sharing your thoughts and concerns with each other connects you with your spouse.

4. Do something fun together.

One of the best ways to connect with your spouse is doing something fun together. This totally depends on what you guys find fun, but look for something you both enjoy.

That said, don’t be afraid to branch out and try what your spouse thinks is fun and vice versa. Since he was a kid, my husband has been a gamer. He enjoys both video games and tabletop games, specifically role playing games. While I played video games with him occasionally, I resisted tabletop role playing games for year.

When I finally tries role playing games with my husband, I found that I enjoy them as well. It’s something fun we love doing together and lets me see a whole different side of my husband and his creativity. And we end up with memories made together that we can talk — and usually laugh — about later.

We also enjoy watching movies together. While it doesn’t sound like something to connect us, we talk about them afterward. We usually don’t have in-depth discussions (though it’s happened and you totally could), but even just sharing what we each thought of the movie helps us connect with each other.

5. Go for a ride or run errands together.

The car can be the perfect place for connecting with your spouse when it’s just the two of you. Nobody can interrupt your conversations! My husband and I have done some of our best connecting on car rides and/or while running errands together.

We’ve connected and had fun while shopping for our kids’ birthday gifts. When we go on road trips for doctor’s appointments for me, we spend part of that time talking and going over topics we care about. We’ve talked through all sorts of things in the car.

Another way we sometimes connect on longer trips is listening to Podcasts together. My husband has some favorite ones he’ll listen to while I read or nap. But there are some we like listening to together as well. (One of our joint favorite Podcasts is a role playing game.) You could also listen to audio books together if that’s more your style.

6. Don’t forget the small stuff.

Finally, connect with your spouse in small ways that make big differences. The right words can make your bond stronger. Say thank you when you notice your spouse doing chores or taking care of something so you don’t have to. Stop and give your spouse a hug when he or she is folding laundry. Pick up their favorite treat at the grocery store.

Connection in marriage happens in small ways every day. You don’t have to have long discussions on deep topics. Your actions and facial expressions can connect you just as much as words. I love the feeling when my husband and I share “a look” about something adorable our kids have done or even something frustrating that’s happened. It reminds me we are on the same page and on the same team going through life. And that’s what connection is all about!

8 Ways to improve communication in your marriage

Posted on by Stacey A. Shannon

How to communicate better with your spouse

Communication is on the list of every list of marriage advice and characteristics of a good marriage. And it’s rightly so. Communication is vastly important.

In the 21 years my husband and I have been married, we’ve learned a few things about communicating effectively. We’re not perfect and still make mistakes, but we know much more about communicating now than we did on the day we said “I do.”

Married couples have so many things they need to discuss: their relationship, finances, parenting, household chores, schedules and so much more.

We’ve learned that along with being honest with each other, there are right and wrong ways to communicate well whether we’re having serious or mundane discussions.

1. Watch your tone of voice.

My husband knows me better than anyone else. So when I say the right words but with the wrong tone of voice, he is far from fooled. Being passive aggressive or sarcastic aren’t great for communicating well.

I’ve found this to be true even when I want to take care of him. Like if I ask whether I can make him something for lunch when I’m making food for the rest of us, I can easily say it frazzled or sincere. How I say it makes all the difference.

2. Be aware of your body language.

This goes right along with number one, but body language communicates a lot. I’ve often said I’m pretty good at taming my tongue, but sometimes I struggle to tame my face. That’s especially true with my husband because he knows me so well. He can tell by my face and actions whether I’m feeling grumpy or irritated.

Our spouses can also use our body language to tell whether we’re really listening to them or if we’re distracted.

3. Make sure it’s a good time to talk.

Early in our marriage, I learned that I can avoid strife by simply asking my husband if it’s a good time to talk. He does the same for me. Then we can finish a task if we need to or put down electronics or whatever we need to do to devote our attention to the other person.

This has continued to serve us well in working from home. We share an office. Throughout the day, we usually need to talk to each other about something and will ask first if it’s a good time or for the other person to let us know when they have a free minute. It sets us up for good communication from the start — even about small stuff like what the kids’ schedule is that day.

4. Remember nobody is a mind reader.

Another lesson I learned about communication early on in our marriage was that I couldn’t expect my husband to know something I didn’t tell him. Instead of just assuming he knows something is important to me, I tell him.

I also have learned that he doesn’t always know what is bothering me or what I’m stressing out about unless I tell him. He can almost always tell something is up, but he can’t be there for me sometimes unless I allow him by sharing with him what’s going on in my head.

5. Pay attention to your phrasing.

Communication ramps up into an argument pretty quickly when we pull out phrases that accuse. We all go on the defensive when we feel attacked. Instead of saying something like, “Why don’t you ever make dinner? I have to do everything around here!” Try, “I’m overwhelmed and need help. Can you make dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays?”

You’ll end up with what you were wanting but you won’t have to have an argument in order to get there. Your spouse will understand what’s going on with you and how he can help. You’ve opened the door of communication so that you can truly share with each other.

6. Don’t use words to hurt.

I know the things that bother my husband the most, just as he knows the same about me. The best thing we can do is stop ourselves from using that in the middle of a disagreement. You don’t want to break trust that is hard to get back.

The other rule that we made from the beginning of our marriage is that if either of us ever brings up divorce, we’d better mean it. I mean that in we don’t want to throw around threats that we don’t mean. We can get upset and disagree, but we don’t want to do lasting damage to our marriage and relationship.

7. Listen to understand, not just for your turn to talk.

While it’s important to be aware of what we are saying with our words and body language, communication can’t happen unless we listen. And that sounds much easier than it is!

When my husband is talking with me about something important, I do my best to actively listen and make sure I’m paying attention, not just waiting for my turn to talk or formulating my response inside my head.

8. Know when it’s time to table a discussion for the moment.

Sometimes it’s just not a good time to have or continue a conversation. Maybe you’re too upset and know if the conversation continues you’re going to say something you’ll regret. Or maybe you’re too distracted to really listen. Maybe you’re just too tired to continue talking. Tell each other and agree to come back to the topic — then do so!

Often our best time to chat about things is just before bed because the kids aren’t up and interrupting us. But, I’m not a night person. Some nights I’m literally just too tired to have a good conversation about a serious topic. When I’m tired, I get irritated and emotional much easier. (Who doesn’t?!) I opt to tell my husband that I want to have the discussion but I just can’t at the moment. And then we find a better time to talk later.

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