Families With Grace

Helping Christian moms create homes filled with grace, love & faith

Moms on a Mission: Dr. Karen Dowling

Profiles of moms who are making a difference

I love having the chance to introduce you to real moms who are following their God-given passions, making a difference in the world and being real about their journeys.

This month’s mom is someone I’ve known for years from church. She’s the kind of woman who has a beautiful smile and a personality that makes everyone feel welcome and included. You can see the love of God shine through her.

Dr. Karen Dowling has spent years working in diversity at the university level and is currently the executive director for multicultural learning and engagement at a major Christian university.

But, that’s not all. She’s also a wife of 22 years and a mom to two boys — one in college and one a senior in high school.

Families with Grace: What’s your God-given mission or passion?

Karen Dowling: My God-given mission is to help others (and myself) build relationships, engage with and respect cultures. I’m a teacher at heart, so continuous teaching and learning plays right into that. My role is perfect for me because I’m still working in an academic setting, and I’m able to teach by providing development.

I work with faculty, students, staff and our curriculum to make sure that it’s inclusive. I work with all the issues relating to diversity and inclusion at our university. Working with adults who are taking online classes means that I’m working nationally and globally.

It all goes together with who I am. I have a multicultural background personally, and I love to build relationships with and interact with people.

My role is founded on Biblical principals. I’m blessed that I get to have Christ in my work.

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

KD: When all the ongoing racial tension increased, I knew I had to learn more. I am a lifelong learner. I never want to be finished learning. So, I started joining in on book studies and webinars. I took some mini classes to educate myself so that I’m not coming from an all-knowledgeable perspective.

Then at work, I created a series at work called “Growing Together: Conversations About Racism and Bias.” My goal was to help our university continue to live out our caring purpose and communicate with one another. Learning each other’s stories and building relationships is important. I have a desire to help people have a sense of belonging. Not everybody has a sense of belonging.

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living our your mission?

KD: I can get stifled when I want to do things well, so I just don’t start them. If I don’t feel like I can dedicate enough time to a project — both at work and at home — then I end up not starting it. I have so many things I want to do. But when I get overwhelmed and unsure whether I can put in the amount of time and detail I want, I get stifled.

I’m a visionary person who wants to be creative. Sometimes details are stumbling blocks for me.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessings in living out your mission?

KD: Recently, I’ve discovered more about myself. I lost my dad when I was 21. He was from India and had dark skin. My mom is Caucasian. I have more traits from my dad while my mom and brother are blonde and blue-eyed.

Thanks in part to some of my recent work experiences, my brother and I recently had a beautiful conversation about how our experiences have differed. The differences in our skin color, our gender and our ages (he’s six years younger) have shaped our shared experiences differently.

I want to engage in those conversations. It’s been a blessing and very enlightening for me. With racial tensions and living out a mission of being set apart and living for Christ, it’s important to think about these things.

I have had some great conversations with my sons while teaching them about my dad and how he was oppressed. They haven’t experienced those things firsthand. I think about how their awareness might be different if they had known this grandpa with an accent and dark skin.

I’m blending work topics at home and vice versa — and all of it with a Christian perspective.

FWG: How do you balance motherhood responsibilities with your work/mission?

KD: I have a great partner. My husband is really great in that we help each other around the house. We help each other with life decisions. We’re great partners when it comes to our boys and their activities as well as the discipline and decisions we need to make for them.

We’ve been super blessed with how our sons have turned out so far. They make great decisions and do what they’re asked to do. I don’t always feel like I’m doing it well, but I try.

I have enjoyed this time of quarantine in having both of my sons home. We didn’t get sick of and frustrated with each other. It has been a joy to be together. Somehow we’ve been able to be in sync together.

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

KD: I like to keep my family together as a cohesive group. We make some decisions together as a unified effort. The four of us try to play and have positive fun time as well. We don’t always get to eat dinner at the table and pray and such, but we try.

I also make having date nights and fun with my husband a priority. And we maintain that our relationship with our sons is first and foremost as their parents.

I have a new project I’ve started working on recently and have really made that a family decision. My sons and husband have given me input. We have moments where we’re a team. We’re one unit and not divided as the parents and the kids.

Read more from the series

Moms ona Mission: Erin Mayes

Moms on a Mission: Mari Hernandez-Tuten

Moms on a Mission: Kathleen Brooker

Moms on a Mission: Sarah R. Moore

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler

How to set up for virtual schooling success

10 Practical tips for easier virtual schooling

Affiliate links are used in this post, if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.

Last spring, the majority of us parents were thrown into virtual schooling our kids with little time to prepare. I was caught off guard, especially since virtual school started four days after my husband had major surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. He was down to one arm and needed lots of help.

I kicked into survival mode and we made it through virtual schooling relatively unscathed. If you’d have asked me then whether virtual school would still be an option for the 2020-21 school year, I’d have said no way!

Yet, that’s exactly where we find ourselves this year. Some school districts are starting the school year virtually. Many others are offering the option for virtual and in-person learning. And all teachers and parents are wondering just how long in-person instruction will be able to continue.

For a variety of reasons, my family decided to utilize the virtual learning option offered by our school from day one of this school year. My kiddos are in second and fifth grades this year. Knowing ahead of time that we are going to be virtual learning and not being in survival mode has given me a chance to actual prepare our family and home for this option.

Because we are using our school’s virtual learning option, I’m not in charge of curriculum. Instead I’m in charge of organizing the logistics of it all for our family. We’ve found a few things that work. I’m guessing as the year progresses we’ll find more for me to share as well.

1. Create baskets or bins for each of your kids.

I learned this last school year as I was trying to figure out how I’d ever keep all the papers and supplies organized for each kid without them taking over the kitchen table or counters — or both! I needed some sort of bin for each of them.

In the spring, I had two decent sized shoe boxes that I covered in wrapping paper to make them look a bit cuter and each child had one. They were large enough to fit papers, books, folders, binders, supplies and iPads.

The bins worked so well that I knew for longer term virtual schooling, we needed something sturdier. I found some plastic storage bins that work incredibly well for this. They have handles, so we can easily move them where we are working and then clear the space again when we’re finished.

These bins from Amazon are perfect. They’re a good size to fit lots of things but small enough to be manageable and keep things easy to find.

For organization within the bins, we use two-pocket folders and school boxes.

2. Keep the right supplies on hand.

I’ve found that a big part of keeping us organized is not over-filling our bins with things they don’t use regularly. My kids continue to have their special classes during virtual learning including art, music and gym. Those supplies I typically keep separate.

Their school boxes include a few pencils, scissors, crayons and glue. Both kids still have assignments they do on paper and not digitally, so they need actual supplies like these.

Hands down, though, my best virtual school supply purchase has been new styluses. Once the kids did virtual learning last spring, I realized that the blunt-tip styluses I had weren’t working so well. For this school year, I found styluses with a fine point and blunt end. These work so incredibly well for writing on the iPads for assignments and have been my kids’ favorite supply. (And I love that they come with extra tips to replace them as they get worn out.)

3. Get headphones with microphones.

My kids have headphones each school year for their iPads. But with virtual learning, having headphones with microphones has been fabulous. If they are having any sort of interactive class or meeting they are awesome so the kids can still not be as disruptive to their siblings.

My husband found these Besom headphones for the kids that are comfortable, work well and come in colors they like.

4. Set up your own work area.

I’ve worked from home as a freelance journalist since 2002. My husband joined me in working from home a few years ago, so working from home wasn’t new to us. While I lightened my workload during my kids’ early years, I increased it once my youngest headed to kindergarten.

Over their breaks, I could usually plan to work for just a couple of hours a day and then be free. My kids can easily entertain themselves for a couple of hours.

But, virtual schooling is a whole different thing because they need help. My daughter, who is in 5th grade this year, can be mostly independent in her work. My son, who is in 2nd grade this year, needs more help with reading directions and such. Figuring out how and where to work to best help with school was a challenge last spring.

I can’t continue working in the home office during school, because my husband is in there and has conference calls. (My work is much more flexible than his is.) So I’ve found being with my son is easier.

I bought a plastic paper tray bin and use it to move between my office and the rest of the house now. I love it! The small bin fits my planner, papers for my current project and even my laptop and its cord. This setup lets me be more mobile and get more of my work done during times nobody needs assistance.

I have also learned to be creative in my work times. This blog post, for example, has gotten well underway on a Sunday afternoon, which isn’t a time I typically work. But life is atypical right now. I’m thankful to have the flexibility to be creative with my work times.

5. Plan your kids’ work areas to minimize distractions.

When we first started virtually school last spring, my kids and I all sat together at the kitchen table. By week two, my daughter migrated upstairs to the desk in her room so she could concentrate better.

For us, having the kids separate helps, especially this fall because they both have multiple Zoom meetings a day. The headphones help with the noise control, but since my daughter can work mostly independently, separating helps.

Whatever that means for you, the fewer distractions the better. During the hour each morning of live instruction that my son has, I put our puppy in his pen so he won’t be a distraction. The television and music stay turned off. My husband and I work so that if either of us has a call, the other one is on school duty so that we can do calls in the office.

You might consider creative lap desks, clipboards or folding desks to provide a good workspace for your kiddos.

I have tried sitting on the couch with my son for work and found it is too distracting for most assignments. I have also tried allowing toys on the table away from him and those also tend to get distracting. Toys have to be put in another room during school.

6. Use the weekend to your advantage.

Enjoy family fun and downtime on the weekend, but also use it to organize for the school week ahead. Throughout the week, clutter and papers can pile up where they shouldn’t. Because we all work better in clean spaces, we do straighten up when we have time. The weekend is ideal for that.

I also try to do some of my own planning on Sundays. In just a few minutes, I can organize my planner for the week with tasks I have going on. I also try to keep an updated list of meal options we have ingredients for. I’ve found that works better for my family than making a menu day-by-day.

7. Maintain a schedule.

I’m a huge fan of schedules and routines. My family works well when we all know what to expect. For some virtual schooling, your kids may have an exact start time each day. Others are more flexible. Between last spring and this school year, we’ve had both.

But both times schedules have been our friends. While the goal isn’t to recreate their exact school day, having a schedule will help. We have a set start time each day. This year, we also have a set-in-stone lunchtime due to my daughter’s call schedule.

Don’t forget to allot some downtime for the kids. I heard my son’s teacher lead them through some stretches on Zoom that she called a “brain break.” All kids need breaks. Playing outside, with pets or with toys can be a great way to let kids have a break.

I love using a timer to help make the shift from playtime to school time easier. This helps especially with my 7-year-old. I set my phone time for 20 minutes, and we play with his toys. I tell him what I’ve done and when the timer goes off, it’s easier for him to shift back to school — and the timer gets to be the bad guy who says play time is over!

Whatever you pick for downtime, having that time away from their work area is going to help most in making the shift between play and school.

8. Remember to dole out grace.

Virtual school is a different environment for teachers, students and us parents. The early days especially are going to need lots of grace all around. There is a learning curve. And there are technology issues to resolve.

My son started the school year, for example, with his last and first names switched in the online learning program the school uses. His teacher knows his name and knows the mistake is there. She’s working to correct it when she can. We’ll be patient, just like she was patient when we had an issue with a Zoom call that ended up with us disconnecting and calling back.

Don’t forget about yourself. You need grace, because this is a big change whether you usually work from home, at the office or run a household without kids during the school day. Prioritize what has to be done, do your best and don’t beat yourself up on the days you fall short. Remember that if laundry piles up all week, the sink is overflowing with dishes, you are working in the evening or you missed an email about your child’s assignment that it isn’t the end of the world. And it won’t be like this forever.

9. Keep your tasks organized.

I mentioned above that I set a timer for play time with my son. But I set alarms for so much more! So much! My daughter has a half hour for lunch and that’s also her bathroom break and such. I have a daily alarm set for 10 minutes before that break so I stop and make lunch. It helps to have her lunch ready to go.

I set alarms for Zoom calls my son has since I’m his schedule manager. Timers help me remember to switch out the laundry. I use reminders for everything from taking my medicine to calling a family member to wish them happy birthday.

With virtual schooling, I need to check my email and related apps throughout the day to make sure we don’t miss something. I have push notifications turned on where I can.

I’m also a HUGE fan of lists. My son’s teacher last spring would send out a weekly schedule of assignments. I printed it, added his assignments for music, art and gym and marked things off as we went. His teacher this year sends us an assignment list to check off each day.

If I have tasks that need to be done for the day, I will often make a list that includes school, work and personal tasks.

10. Involve your kids around the house.

If your kids are old enough to be in school, they are old enough to help with some chores. And if you are virtual schooling, chances are good you could use some help. Plus the bottom line is that we are trying to raise humans to be productive and competent adults. They need to know how to do household chores.

Just because school isn’t meeting in person doesn’t mean that some of their school chores have to slide. For example, it may be easier for your family to still pack lunches the night before so you don’t have to have the time to do so in the middle of the day. Think about what would realistically help virtual schooling go easier and involve your kids.

Find more virtual school success tips here:

Air fryer doughnuts recipe

Air fryer doughnuts are quick, easy and tasty!

Affiliate links are used in this post, if you make a qualifying purchase via my link, I receive a small percentage of the sale at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products and services I use and love. It helps support my blog, so thank you for your support! Read my full disclosure here.

About seven years ago, I came across a recipe on Pinterest for doughnuts made from canned biscuits. I decided to give them a try one Saturday morning by frying them in oil in a skillet on my stovetop.

I dipped them in melted butter and cinnamon and sugar. They made a tasty treat, but they had a bit of a grease flavor to them. I didn’t make them again.

Air fry doughnut recipe Pinterest image

Fast forward to quarantine and going for fresh doughnuts was impossible for a long time. (In fact, we are few months into the pandemic, and I still haven’t done so since we are continuing to self-isolate.) When a cousin sent me a recipe for making the same doughnuts in the air fryer, I decided to give them a try again.

I’m in love with my air fryer and trying to come up with new things to make for my family in being at home and cooking even more than usual.

The instructions were a bit vague, so I did some experimenting. I had trouble with the dough sticking to the air fryer basket. Then they were in too long and got burnt. I used the flaky layer biscuits, and they didn’t stay together quite as well.

I ended up going through two cans of biscuits and even made a few on the stovetop to compare what we liked best. My whole family preferred the air fryer doughnuts because there wasn’t an oily taste or any greasiness.

My family was quite happy to be my taste testers as I continued tweaking the preparation to find out the best way to make air fryer doughnuts. I took loads of photos, because I knew I had to share the recipe.

These air fryer doughnuts don’t taste like a doughnut you’d get at your local bakery, per se, but they are delectable breakfast treats that you’ll enjoy. They only need a few ingredients and are super easy to make as well.

Ingredients for the air fryer doughnuts recipe: Air fryer, canned biscuits, ground cinnamon, sugar and butter

The trickiest part is making sure the dough doesn’t stick to your air fryer basket. Air fryer baskets are usually non-stick surfaces. As such, you shouldn’t use non-stick cooking spray. It can mess up the non-stick surface and burn off too quickly to work.

I tried rubbing my basket with vegetable oil the first time and that didn’t work so great. I found that the best way to keep the dough from sticking is by covering the basket with parchment paper. You can buy parchment paper inserts for air fryer baskets, but I didn’t have any. So, I just trimmed a piece of parchment paper and used a fork to poke holes all throughout it. It’s not beautiful, but it works.

Air fry doughnut recipe air fryer basket

Next open your biscuits and prepare the dough. (I suggest NOT using biscuit dough that is flaky layers.) I set mine up on the counter on top of aluminum foil or wax paper. You could also use a plate or a cutting board. It doesn’t matter.

The first step is to get the doughnut shape. The easiest and simplest way to do this is with a clean cap from a bottle of water or soda. Press the cap down in the center of each biscuit, gently, but firmly. Gently push the center of the doughnut out. My kids loved doing this part. Save the centers to make doughnut holes with!

Cutting out the "holes" for the Air fry doughnut recipe
The prepped dough for the air fry doughnut recipe

Now you’re ready to get cooking. Place the doughnuts in your air fryer basket without touching each other. I can fit three full-sized doughnuts in my air fryer at one time.

Air fry doughnuts in the air fryer basket

Put the doughnuts into the air fryer at 400-degrees (F) and set it for eight minutes. Set a timer for four minutes.

While the doughnuts are cooking, make sure your station is set up for managing the doughnuts once they are cooked. I set up two paper plates: one for the hot doughnuts and one for the finished doughnuts. Melt your butter or margarine in a small bowl and mix your cinnamon sugar in another small bowl. I line them up beside the air fryer and hot pad I use to put the air fryer basket on.

Air fry doughnut cooking setup with air fryer, butter dipping station and cinnamon sugar station

After the doughnuts have cooked for four minutes, pull them out. They should be very lightly browned on top and still doughy on the bottom.

Air fry doughnuts halfway finished

Use tongs to gently turn the doughnuts over and put the basket back in the air fryer for the remaining four minutes. The doughnuts should be golden brown when time is up. If they aren’t, you may need to adjust your time and/or temperature.

Air fry doughnuts all finished

Put the hot doughnuts out onto a plate to cool for minute or so. I usually get my next round of dough going in the air fryer while letting them cool enough I can touch them.

Dip the doughnuts on each side in the melted butter or margarine.

Air fry doughnuts in melted butter

Next, dip them in the cinnamon sugar on both sides. I sometimes use a spoon or my fingers to spread more cinnamon sugar on them so that they get well covered.

Dredging the Air fry doughnut in cinnamon and sugar

(SIDE NOTE: I tried using Nutella as icing on a few of the air fryer doughnuts the first time around and we all liked cinnamon sugar much better. And that’s coming from a chocoholic!)

Don’t forget to make your doughnut holes as well. I roll mine so they turn into balls.

Air fry doughnut holes dough

The way it works out with my air fryer, I make two baskets of three large air fryer doughnuts and then one basket with two large doughnuts and all the doughnut holes. I found the doughnut holes did OK at the same time and temperature as the big ones, but you might want to check them adjust and make adjustments as needed.

Cooking air fryer doughnuts and air fryer doughnut holes

These air fryer doughnuts are delicious when they are warm, but they are also good at room temperature.

A finished air fry doughnut

I love mine with a good, cold glass of white milk, though chocolate milk would be good, too!

Air fry doughnuts on a plate with a glass of ice cold milk

Air fryer doughnuts

Ingredients
  

  • 1 can of 8 jumbo buttermilk biscuits not the flaky kind
  • 1 stick of butter or margarine melted
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 tsp. cinnamon

Instructions
 

  • Prepare the air fryer basket by covering it with parchment paper. If you don't have specific air fryer parchment paper liners (I don't!), then cut a piece of parchment paper to fit your air fryer basket and put holes in it. If you don't have parchment paper, grease the air fryer basket with cooking oil, butter or shortening. Do NOT use non-stick cooking spray because it will damage the non-stick coating on your air fryer basket.
  • Prepare your dough by opening and separating the biscuits. Use a clean lid from a water or soda bottle and gently but firmly press it down into the center of each biscuit to cut out a hole. Set aside the dough you cut out to make doughnut holes with.
  • Put the dough into the air fryer basket without any of the edges touching each other or the sides of the air fryer basket. Set the temperature for 400-degrees (F) and time for 8 minutes.
  • Set a timer for 4 minutes.
  • While the dough starts cooking, melt the butter in a small bowl.
  • Mix together the cinnamon and sugar in a second small bowl.
  • At the 4-minute mark, open the air fryer and gently flip the doughnuts over so they cook evenly on both sides.
  • When the time is up, the air fryer doughnuts should be golden brown. Let them cool just enough so that you can touch them. Dip both sides of the doughnut first in the melt butter or margarine and then repeat the same way in the cinnamon sugar. You can use your fingers or a spoon to help put even more cinnamon sugar over the doughnut as well.
  • Serve the doughnuts right away while warm or at room temperature.

Moms on a Mission: Erin Mayes

Profiles of moms who are making a difference

The Moms on a Mission series is one of my favorites. I love getting to share the stories of real moms who are making a difference in the lives of their families and the world!

This month’s mom is someone I’ve known for more than 20 years. Erin Mayes and I met in college where we were both studying magazine journalism. She was a young woman with a sweet smile. I didn’t have to talk to her long to see her heart for God.

Our lives have certainly changed since those days as young college students, but Erin’s heart for God remains the same. And now she lives out her mission as a wife to her husband, Josh, and mama to two kiddos, who are 8 and 5. She spends her days as a homemaker and stay-at-home mom while also advocating for children who live thousands of miles away from her Midwestern home.

Families with Grace: What is your God-given mission or passion?

Erin Mayes: If you want to talk about passion, my first passion is Jesus. After that, one of our biggest mission’s is our home. Our biggest testimony is our marriage and, for my husband and me, raising our children in a home that is living out the gospel. The over-arching vision of our family is to love God and love others.

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

EM: Like all of life, as soon as you figure something out, it changes. I used to say that I hate change, but over time I’ve grown to learn that life is always changing. I think that’s a blessing. God uses change to remind us to rely on Him. God knows we need Him and wants us to recognize that we need Him.

So, my mission has morphed over time. I feel like I’ve lived several entities of myself. When I was 19, my brother, who was only 16, passed away from cancer. That will always be a giant marker in my life. Then I graduated college and was single and working full time and that was a different mission.

For this moment, where I am right now, we do it real messy and we just keep trying. When we got married, we agreed that I’d stay home when we had kids. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was offered a job that would have been a great career opportunity, but I said no so I could be fully in our home. I’m thankful that I get to invest so much time in our children.

This pandemic — while it’s been so difficult in the world as a whole — has been a blessing for me personally in having enough time to slow down and listen to my kids. I hope that as my children are young I’m able to plant seeds and give them attention. I’m not perfect and have to apologize and ask for forgiveness from them sometimes.

Along with our family, my husband and I are also involved in our church. For us, it’s asking God for the wisdom to give our best “yes,” because we recognize that when you say yes to one thing, you’re saying no to others. And if you’re saying yes to everything, you’re stretched too thin.

FWG: Tell us about your involvement with Team World Vision.

EM: Back around 2012, Team World Vision, which is an arm of World Vision, came to our city and spoke at our church. A woman gave her testimony about how she walked to get to clean water when she was young. It was powerful. Our church had a huge response, and we had a big team that year. Both my husband, Josh, and I ran with Team World Vision that year.

Through training for a half or full marathon, someone who runs or walks with Team World Vision will ask their family and friends to join them on the journey by donating. The dollars donated to their fundraising page go directly to help provide clean water to those who don’t have access to it.

Team World Vision makes an individual sport a team sport. Running long distances is as much mental as physical. It’s easy to quit and hard to keep going. With Team World Vision, you get a schedule of the running plan for each day, whether it’s time or distance. Then your long run is on the weekend.

Most Team World Vision teams get together on Saturday mornings and will have music, water, snacks and so forth. You get to see other people doing the same thing as you. And that’s encouraging.

The first few years, Josh and I would trade off Saturdays running while the other one took care of the baby and eventually babies. Four years ago when we moved to a different area of town and went to a new church, we decided to start our own Team World Vision team.

Josh, Erin and their two kiddos in their Team World Vision orange gear.

The statistics are staggering on how much of the world does not have access to clean water. In 2018, my husband and I got to go to Africa to see some of the places where World Vision is working. We heard the founder of Team World Vision speak. He shared that we can only go without breath for a matter of minutes to survive. We can only go without water for a matter of days and without food for weeks for our bodies to survive.

So after air, water is the second most important thing a body needs to survive. If you’re spending all your time searching for water that isn’t even clean, you’re just surviving and not thriving. Sadly, 50% of children under age 5 die in areas where they don’t have access to clean water due to water contamination illnesses. It’s hard to wrap our minds around not having access to clean water.

You’re either doing Team World Vision because you need something to help you accomplish a half or full marathon or because you want to help with the clean water crisis, but ultimately, it ends up being both.

(For even more, check out this Facebook video of Erin’s husband interviewing a team member.)

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living out your mission?

EM: I believe in the Bible that God calls us to boldness — a boldness in our faith. And if we do not have it, the Bible says to ask for it in the same way He tells us to ask for wisdom if we don’t have it. Through Team World Vision, asking people to run or give money can be hard. It’s all about a mindset, but it helps to understand that Jesus says to cast out your net. He doesn’t say to pick and choose.

The first three years we ran with Team World Vision, we raised a small amount. We didn’t have a vision and goal that gripped our hearts. In our fourth year, Josh said if we were going to continue doing this, we needed to be all in. We decided that we would make a full effort and put our whole effort and whole heart into the fundraising equally. We matched the donations people gave us throughout the year and ended up being in the top third of fund raisers that year.

The next year, God called us to do more and we had to step through fear. On the other side of fear is where you find God working. In 2018, we doubled our goal and raised $10,000. We led our team by example. Our team began to see it happen and they began to embrace it themselves and recognize what they could do to help.

Even just getting invited to go to Africa with Team World Vision in 2018 involved me stepping through fear. I don’t like to fly. We had 12 flights in 14 days. It was a spiritual war inside of me just to put down the deposit and say yes, we’re going to Africa and leaving our small children, who were only 3 and 5 at the time.

But, we got to see the work being done there. And God continues to work in our hearts on this. I was training for the 2020 New York City Marathon, but it was recently canceled. That was kind of expected, but also a surprise that they did it so early. So, we’re shifting gears and leading our team. It’s a matter of trusting God each day.

Team World Vision does offer a virtual option now that will allow me to run the 26 miles over five days instead. I can train with others locally but also still complete the marathon virtually.

A couple of years ago, Team World Vision added in child sponsorships. At the beginning of the year, I felt like God was telling me this New York City run should use the money for child sponsorships instead of waterworks like we’ve always done. So, I will do that now with the virtual run.

Child sponsorship is a bigger ask and commitment. It takes $39 a month. But it’s also a bigger impact. It’s continual money going into the community. It helps World Vision. They have a long-term relationship with the community and government. They help the community set goals, reach goals and then they pull out. So the community has ownership.

It’s such a beautiful thing. You’re really making an impact and when you do a child sponsorship, you can set up an auto payment to come out of your account every month. Most Americans don’t end up missing that money that is making an impact somewhere else.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessing in living out your mission?

EM: God’s still working on my heart, thank goodness. I’ve been blessed by the friendships and opportunities that have come out of this. I never dreamed I would go to Africa and get to meet real faces and real people that are impacted. They impacted me.

You can’t out-give God, whether it be money or time or listening to someone else. And we are blessed by the impact we see it slowly making on our family — our children, parents, extended family, church family and community. Each year it grows.

God’s dreams are bigger and better than our own if we’d just let go and say yes.

FWG: How do you balance motherhood responsibilities with your mission?

EM: Trying to get in the runs can be challenging. Josh and I have made it our goal to complete them in the morning, so it’s not hanging over the rest of our day. Plus we feel better throughout the day.

Leading a team and having a large fundraising goal requires a lot of time. During running season, Wednesday night after the kids go to bed is our Team World Vision night. We want our kids to feel like they’re a part of it and not like it’s taking away from family time. We try to make sure Team World Vision is getting attention but also not taking attention away from our kids.

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

EM: You can’t do everything. If it’s a mother of really young children, I’d remind her that those seasons feel so long in the time, but it truly is just a short season. Embrace it for the time you’re in it.

Pray and ask God to open doors. I think we kind of get hung up on perfect, and that really can be the enemy of good. Just help someone else. Do the next right thing. Make the next best choice.

Especially when your kids are small, you have to be willing to accept help, and you don’t have to be the hero. It’s a blessing to let other people help you. The season will come when you can help others again.

Read more from the series

Moms on a Mission: Dr. Karen Dowling

Moms on a Mission: Mari Hernandez-Tuten

Moms on a Mission: Kathleen Brooker

Moms on a Mission: Sarah R. Moore

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler

What modest swimwear says about my body image

A swimwear lesson I wish I’d have learned years ago

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I can’t remember the last time I was excited to go shopping for swimwear for myself. Maybe when I was a young child? But at least from high school on, shopping for swimwear has been a nightmare. I’d daresay my feelings are shared by the majority of women.

If ever there were a time to be self conscious about your body, wearing a swimsuit is one of them. Swimwear isn’t as forgiving as clothes. It is certainly much more exposed. The whole thing is stressful to me.

But, here’s the rub: I like swimming. I always have loved the water and feel at peace in and near the water. I grew up swimming constantly during warm weather. Even though I sometimes get sun poisoning (a rash from sun exposure), I still love swimming. On family vacations to the ocean, I’d often wear a long-sleeved T-shirt or my aunt would take me to the indoor pool.

And that’s also in spite of being sensitive to chlorine thanks to my bladder. You’d think with all of that going on PLUS being uncomfortable in a swimsuit that I wouldn’t like swimming. Yet, I do.

Not a sideline mom

Even more importantly these days, I want to enjoy water activities with my children. I don’t want to have to sit on the sidelines unless absolutely necessary. I’ve had times that I’ve had to sit on the sidelines because of chlorine, but I don’t want to do so just because of my body issues. And, let’s be honest here, getting older combined with having two babies hasn’t improved my phsyique.

However, I determined when my daughter was a preschooler and first asked to go to a community pool and splash pad that we often drove by that I wouldn’t be stuck on the sideline. I decided to put on my swimsuit (a one piece that was probably a decade old since I hadn’t been swimming so much) and just have fun with my kiddo. The last thing I wanted was to have her end up feeling self conscious in a bathing suit as well.

The other moms around me wore all sorts of swimwear styles. I could pick out those who were also uncomfortable but were trying to just enjoy the time with their kids. I decided then and there that I didn’t want to have any discomfort about being in a swimsuit. Everyone else was too busy with their own body issues to worry about my body, and even more importantly, their opinions don’t matter to me. What matters to me is my kiddos. I won’t get this time back with them!

A swimwear update

After that day at the community pool, I decided to update my suit. So I did some shopping. I hadn’t had a two-piece bathing suit for myself since I was a preschooler myself. But, I found that tankinis were popular but also nice for if you need to make a bathroom break and such. I also liked that with a black bottom I could have different tops and have more options.

So I got my first two-piece bathing suit as an adult and liked it. I found another tankini top on clearance at Target at the end of summer and picked it up. However, I found that I still didn’t feel so great even in the new swimwear. I was still more exposed than I was comfortable with.

The next summer on a beach trip, I got a sunburn on my chest in spite of all the sunscreen I lathered on. That skin wasn’t usually in the sun. But, I kept the same suits for a couple of years. After all, they were better than what I’d had before. I didn’t love them, but they were OK.

Then last summer, I found my daughter a swimsuit that came with a rash guard (T-shirt style top) instead of a tank top for the first time in a few years. While I have sensitive, fair skin, my redheaded daughter has even paler skin. I loved that the more coverage of the rash guard meant less skin to worry about slathering in SPF 50. My son has always liked wearing rash guards instead of going shirtless and I like the benefit of sun protection for him.

Somehow for the first time last summer, I realized I could also look for a rash guard for myself. I knew locally I had never seen any, but now I lived in the age of online shopping. I could change my way of thinking.

A new swimwear perspective

I did some searching on Amazon and found a women’s rash guard I liked. So, I ordered it. It arrived the day I was packing up my kids to go swimming at my cousin’s pool. I put it on over my bathing suit top and LOVED it! The rash guard gave me more coverage for sun protection and was a T-shirt style, more like my usual clothes. (I don’t even wear tank tops.)

When a family friend stopped by to chat, I was comfortable to just stand there and talk without feeling the need to quickly grab my cover-up. I felt well-covered with my modest swimwear.

The rash guard was awesome but didn’t have a built-in bra. I didn’t want to always have to wear a tankini top underneath, so I did some more research and looking. Before an indoor water park trip last fall, I bought a swimsuit bra, a loose tankini top with a scoop neck instead of being lower cut and boyshort swim bottoms.

Being able to wear a T-shirt and shorts to go swimming made me relax. Even the new tankini top was great because I didn’t have more chest exposed than I was comfortable with. I was able to relax more. The more modest swimwear was great for me.

Modesty doesn’t mean shame

What I learned throughout this process is that wearing modest swimwear, just like in my regular clothes, doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of my body. My body doesn’t look like I want it to. I have some extra pounds, but it’s the body that carried my babies. And it is what it is. If someone is appalled by it, they don’t have to look at it. I’m too old and have too many memories to make with my family to worry about the opinions of others.

I also, though, don’t buy into the popular thought that I have to prove I’m OK with my body type by showing it off. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I’m happy in my more modest swimwear because that’s what makes me more comfortable. Am I judging other moms in bikinis and more revealing swimwear? Nope. I just know what I feel good about for myself.

Honestly, my next swimwear purchase will be longer swim short bottoms that are more longer swim shorts, which is the length I wear for my regular clothes anyway.

The age of the Internet is a great one for giving us different options. I still haven’t see any of the modest swimwear I most like for sale in-person around where I live. But, I’m happy to have the option to order it online and feel better about what I’m wearing for water fun. I only wish I’d have done this sooner!

Encouraging quotes

A growing list of encouraging quotes will uplift and inspire you

I love quotes and Bible verses that encourage and uplift me. In fact, I have shared many through the Motivation Monday and Truth Tuesday posts. I collect and have used those posts in my children’s lunchbox notes.

Encouraging quotes

Right now, though, I’m not writing lunchbox notes, and I sometimes find quotes and verses that really speak to me but are a bit more than my children would relate to. And every so often, I find one of these in my own writing as well.

So, I decided to put together a new post of some of my favorite encouraging quotes and Bible verses complete with images you can easily Pin or share on social media if you’d like. I will continue adding to it!

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson

“Worship gets you through the hardest times in your life because it shifts your focus from the problem to the Problem Solver.” — Unknown

“We must cling to God’s love and promises most when life leaves us downtrodden and feeling dismal.” — Stacey A. Shannon

“God never intended us to live in worry and stress over whether we’re good enough. We can rest in His almighty power.” — Rev. Mark Dill

“It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.” — Confucius

“If you try to make everyone happy all the time, you won’t succeed and will lose parts of yourself. And that’s a shame, because the world has only one you.” — Stacey A. Shannon

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.” — Robert Frost

“Groanings which cannot be uttered are often prayers which cannot be refused.” — Charles Spurgeon

“Why is it the ship beats the waves when the waves are so many and the ship is one? The reason is that ship has a purpose.” — Winston Churchill

“Look for the positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder.” — Unknown

“I don’t always feel His presence. But God’s promises do not rest upon my feelings; they rest upon his integrity.” — R.C. Sproul

“If you don’t have faith, pray anyway. If you don’t understand or believe the words you’re saying, pray anyway. Prayer can start faith, particularly if you pray aloud. And even the most imperfect prayers is an attempt to reach God.” — Cary Grant

“Sometimes when we ask God our Why questions, instead of giving us answers He gives us Himself.” — Mary Jane Worden

“Statistics are human beings with the tears wiped off.” — Paul Brodeur

“I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do.” — Helen Keller

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” — Aesop

“It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict, God’s job to judge, and my job to love.” — Billy Graham

“Life is too short to stress over things that don’t matter in the long run. Instead, choose to let them go so you have room for all the good in your life.” – Stacey A. Shannon

“If Jesus is calling you to do something that may seem as impossible as walking on water, take courage. The One Who calls you will be present with you.” – Lisa Samra in “God Sees Her”

“When we turn our eyes toward the beautiful face of God, we can find strength and comfort that sustain us even in the midst of unanswered questions.” – Amy Peterson in “God Sees Her”

“Each life is made up of mistakes and learning, waiting and growing, practicing patience and being persistent.” – Billy Graham

You are not forgotten

Encouragement for anyone who ever feels overlooked

I wrote these words on a Sunday afternoon almost six years ago. When I read this again recently, I had to share it again.

Today (Sunday) had a rocky start, but it ended up transforming my worldview just when I needed it most. God likes to do that. And He doesn’t disappoint.

I felt like I wrangled greased pigs to get us out the door and to church mostly on time. I do not like to be late, but we almost were. My husband was at home sick. My son was going back to the nursery for the first time in months. And this was the first time I was taking both kids to church on my own.

Finding God through chaos

As I drove, I explained to my daughter we were later than usual and she needed to cooperate and not dilly dally on the way in. She understood. Then I asked her if she would pray with me that her brother would not cry in the nursery. I drove and prayed out loud. She added her own prayer. We whizzed into the parking lot and were off.

As a complete answer to prayer, my son didn’t even whimper when I handed him over to the nursery worker. He just watched me go and was completely fine. I slid into a back pew feeling a bit shell-shocked. How had that just happened? I remembered our prayer from 10 minutes earlier and realized that God had answered my prayer.

Today was one of those days when my mama heart was just fragile and achy for a wide array of reasons. I couldn’t exactly put a finger on what was off and making me sad, but something was. I slowly began to revel in the fact that God had heard me and answered my prayer as we began singing worship songs. And almost as surely as if He’d been sitting in the pew beside me, God spoke to me.

“You have not been forgotten.”

What?

“You have not been forgotten.”

The forgotten mama

My heart was filled. Tears sprung to my eyes. Forgotten. I had a name for what I’d been feeling the last couple of weeks. Forgotten. I am in a season where my life revolves around other people pretty much all of the time. 

While eating my breakfast, I thought about how 90% of the time, I was fine that life wasn’t about me. But 10% of the time, it stung. I didn’t quite know how to best manage that. Sometimes I wanted to do something for me. I wanted it to be about me sometimes. And sometimes I wanted to feel seen for who I was and heard for what was in my heart.

When we become moms, we disappear a bit. I’ve written about this many times. We disappear as our lives become so consumed with this small person (or people) who needs us. Heck, even just interacting with other people showcases that fact.  

Have you walked into a room with a baby in your arms and had someone stop and sincerely ask you how you’re doing? Neither have I. The baby gets the attention. And that’s OK.

But, over time, we mamas really can feel a bit forgotten, whether we recognize it or not. Add in that we forget about ourselves (when was the last time I got my hair cut or decided what I wanted to eat simply because it sounded good to ME?), and we are left a bit adrift.

Never forgotten

However, I have good news. I have good news that just arrived as a fresh balm to my aching heart this morning: You are not forgotten, mama. I am not forgotten. No matter how little the rest of the world sees of us, no matter how little we see of ourselves, God sees us. He sees us. HE sees US! We have not been forgotten.

And that includes prayers we’ve been praying for years and waiting for answers to. That includes the desires of our hearts that sometimes seem so far from obtainable we cry in despair. It also includes the pieces of ourselves we chip away in order to take care of our families. And it includes all the sacrifices we make. It also includes the hurts He continues to let us endure to remind us how much we need Him.  

We’re not flailing around down here without Someone noticing. He notices. He hasn’t forgotten us. He loves us. He sees us. He doesn’t overlook us. We are the desire of God’s heart even more than our children are the desire of our hearts. He has not forgotten you, mama. He loves you.

Dwell on that today. Remember that today as you tend to everyone else except yourself. Remember that today when you feel like no one is listening to your heart, even if that’s only because you’re too tired to express your heart to someone who cares. Remember that today when you start to feel like nothing more than a cook, maid and bottom-wiper. Remember that God sees you. God loves you. God encourages you. And He has not forgotten you. He wants to meet you where you are.

You are not forgotten!

Easy pantry salsa recipe

Just a few ingredients come together in this delicious mild salsa recipe

My family loves Mexican food and flavors, like in this taco cornbread bake recipe. If I make something related to tacos or tortilla chips and salsa, I know my family will be on board.

I stumbled across a pantry salsa recipe a year or two ago and gave it a try one nacho night. It was too spicy, even according to my spice-loving husband. So, I tweaked it and ended up with a mild salsa that has a very, very slight kick.

Of course salsa made with garden-fresh ingredients is good, but I never have fresh peppers or herbs. I almost always have onion. I love that I can buy ingredients for this salsa recipe and not get around to making it for a week or two. Being in the Midwest, I also love that I can make this year-round and it tastes the same.

An easy, flavorful mild salsa recipe that can be made with ingredients from your pantry. It's a perfect addition to taco or nacho nights! #salsa #salsarecipe #easyrecipe
All of the ingredients for this salsa come from your pantry!

And being a busy mom, I love recipes like this one that literally come together in minutes. If your onion needs chopped, you can make this salsa in 10 minutes or less. If your onion is already chopped, you can whip up this salsa in 5 minutes with a food processor or blender. Seriously!

Start with the can of tomatoes with chilis and chopped onion. Put them both into your food processor and zoom them around until they are the desired level of chunky you like. (My family likes salsa with teeny, tiny chunks at most!)

An easy, flavorful mild salsa recipe that can be made with ingredients from your pantry. It's a perfect addition to taco or nacho nights! #salsa #salsarecipe #easyrecipe
Before pureeing in the food processor
An easy, flavorful mild salsa recipe that can be made with ingredients from your pantry. It's a perfect addition to taco or nacho nights! #salsa #salsarecipe #easyrecipe
After pureeing in the food processor

Next, add in the seasonings: garlic powder, salt, sugar and lime juice. Whiz everything in the food processor again for 15 seconds or so to blend it.

An easy, flavorful mild salsa recipe that can be made with ingredients from your pantry. It's a perfect addition to taco or nacho nights! #salsa #salsarecipe #easyrecipe

Your next step depends on how chunky you like salsa. As I mentioned, my family doesn’t like chunky salsa at all. So, I pour my seasoned tomato and chili mixture into a large bowl then puree the crushed tomatoes in the food processor.

If you’re using a blender or have a large food processor, you could maybe do all the ingredients at once, but I use my food processor and it isn’t large enough, so I do it in stages.

An easy, flavorful mild salsa recipe that can be made with ingredients from your pantry. It's a perfect addition to taco or nacho nights! #salsa #salsarecipe #easyrecipe

Finally, I pour the pureed crushed tomatoes into the large bowl on top of the seasoning mixture and give it a good stir. That’s it! Serve it up with your favorite tortilla chips.

An easy, flavorful mild salsa recipe that can be made with ingredients from your pantry. It's a perfect addition to taco or nacho nights! #salsa #salsarecipe #easyrecipe

Pantry salsa

Prep Time 10 minutes
Total Time 10 minutes
Servings 5 -1/2 cups of salsa

Ingredients
  

  • 1 28- oz. can crushed tomatoes
  • 1 10- oz. can mild diced tomatoes with green chilies
  • 1/4 cup diced onion can add more to taste
  • 1 tsp. garlic powder
  • 1/2 tsp. salt
  • 1 tsp. ground cumin
  • 1 tsp. sugar
  • 2 tsp. lime juice

Instructions
 

  • Put the can of tomatoes with chilies into a food processor or blender. Add the diced onion, and puree until it is the desired level of chunkiness. (My family likes salsa with minimal chunks, so I puree for about a minute.)
  • Add in the garlic salt, salt, ground cumin, sugar and lime juice. Puree 15 to 30 seconds longer to mix together.
  • Move the seasoned mixture into a large bowl.
  • Next you can either add the crushed tomatoes on top of the mixture as they are or puree them in the food processor or blender first depending on how chunky you like your salsa.
  • Stir the plain tomatoes and seasoned tomato mixture together.
  • Serve with your favorite tortilla chips and store any leftover salsa in the fridge.

Moms on a Mission: Mari Hernandez-Tuten

Profiles of moms making a difference

Connecting with other Christian moms blesses and encourages me. I love the Moms on a Mission series in part for this reason! We are all doing different things but with the similar goal of honoring God.

Mari Hernandez-Tuten is one such mom. She’s a fellow faith blogger over at Inspired by Family and has a similar mission to Families with Grace.

I’ve recently gotten to know Mari better in working with her and some other faith bloggers to put together a virtual, DIY Summer Camp at Home about character for kids. The camp includes seven days worth of great (free!) resources to teach kids how to be kind, obedient, honest, content, respectful, faithful and generous.

(I’ve got a list of fun ways to teach your kids about obedience going live on June 12. Don’t miss it!)

Mari’s passion leaps off the screen. She’s the mom of three boys and wife of her first boyfriend who spent nearly a decade on the mission field in South America. Mari ministers through her writing, speaking, counseling and more. Her testimony will inspire you to continue on in your own God-given passion!

Families with Grace: What is your God-given mission or passion?

Mari Hernandez-Tuten: I’m one of those eclectic people who feels passionate about many things. I truly enjoy serving others, hospitality, friendships, family, art and community. 

I love encouraging women to find hope and truth in their motherhood through God’s word. And that’s how I ended up writing a blog about family, faith and fun because I couldn’t imagine only writing about fun activities, but I also wanted to share my faith and encourage mothers on this journey of parenting. 

FWG: How do you work to live out that mission right now?

MHT: My background is in counseling and family life coaching. So I have the joy of speaking and teaching workshops to encourage parents and women. 

I’m also currently working with a publisher on a Bible study for women on Proverbs 31. 

These things I just mentioned are great opportunities, but I get to do what I am most passionate about here in my home and community. I feel it’s important to not just be an encouraging online presence but to do life side-by-side with others in my home and in my community.

FWG: What are some of your biggest challenges in living out your mission?

MHT: One of my challenges in living out my mission would be what I just shared above–I am passionate about a lot of things. I’m a visionary and leader so I’m constantly coming up with new ideas and finding ways to make it happen, which can be overwhelming. Another one would be fear. I use to be fearless, but the older I get the more I let fear keep me from doing things for God.

FWG: What have been some of your biggest blessings in living out your mission?

MHT: My biggest blessing from living out my mission is that my children get to witness God working through me and in me as countless women from all walks of life and ages share their lives, laughter and tears with me over a cup of tea at my dinner table. 

FWG: How do you balance motherhood responsibilities with your work/mission?

Early on in motherhood, I had a monumental moment that changed the course of my life. I talk about it here. It was a time when God opened my eyes and heart to see “God’s glory discovers us where we are.” In the menial tasks, in the everyday moments of life, He can use us. Throughout scripture you see Him come face-to-face with women in the midst of the everyday tasks of life. 

FWG: What’s the best advice you have for other moms who are following their passions?

MHT: I love how God meets us where we are—while changing diapers, in the carpool line, on the way to work, while playing old maid for the 100th time with your preschooler…

One of the many divine encounters that have profoundly impacted me from the Bible was that of Jacob. God met Jacob on the road in the middle of nowhere and changed His name and gave him purpose. God meets Hagar in the desert and calls her by name. God met Moses in the field while he was shepherding his flock. God met the woman at the well in the middle of the day,  while she was out getting water, and changed the course of her life. 

Ask God to help you see the menial tasks of your ordinary life through His perspective and be willing to offer it up to Him. It really isn’t about what you do or don’t have to offer but what God does with it. 

Allow Him to take your meager offering and multiply it for His glory however He sees fit. Finally, I leave you with this–You can’t give to others what you don’t have. Make time to connect with God for yourself, not for your ministry, your Bible study or your Sunday School lesson, but because you long to be in His presence.

Read more from the series

Moms on a Mission: Dr. Karen Dowling

Moms on a Mission: Erin Mayes

Moms on a Mission: Kathleen Brooker

Moms on a Mission: Sarah R. Moore

Moms on a Mission: Stacey Pardoe

Moms on a Mission: Kristin Billerbeck

Moms on a Mission: Crystal (aka InnieMom)

Moms on a Mission: Pastor Stefanie Hendrickson

Moms on a Mission: Amy Cutler

Why our children need validation

Kids need to feel understood

Recently, I wrote an article for a publication about Social Security disability benefits for people who have the same bladder condition I do, interstitial cystitis. IC has no diagnostic test for it and is instead a diagnosis of elimination. While we have made much progress through the years, some patients are still told their symptoms are all in their heads.

Each patient I interviewed who had received disability benefits — whether it took one year or eight years — said their approval for disability brought them great relief and great validation. In fact, feeling validated was almost as thrilling for them as finding out their financial concerns were going to be improving.

Why validation matters

Validation is so incredibly important. I think it’s something that we often overlook both for ourselves and for our kids. Sometimes we don’t need someone to come along and fix our problems. We just need someone to listen, understand and say, “I see you are suffering, and I’m sorry.”

I have felt that way so many times. I even tell my husband sometimes when I don’t need him to fix a problem and just need him to listen.

I’ve not thought about validation as much when it comes to my children. I suppose that’s because validation doesn’t matter so much when they are babies and toddlers. It’s a bit complex. As they get older, though, it comes up.

Validating kids’ emotions

Over the weekend, my daughter had something she wanted to do that didn’t work out through no fault of hers or anyone else. She felt frustrated, disappointed and tearful. What she was upset about seemed a bit trivial to me, because I have three decades of life on her that give me more perspective.

But, it was a big deal to her. And I realized how thankful I am that at 9 years old, my daughter hasn’t had experiences to give her a different perspective. She hasn’t dealt with great adversity or struggle. I am thankful for that blessing.

As I heard her crying, I debated about how to react. Should I comfort her? Should I leave her be? What did my mom do? What would help her most? I decided to trust my mama instinct, which said to go to her and comfort her. So that’s what I did.

It didn’t take much. I gave her a hug and commiserated with her about how disappointing the situation was. I validated her struggle and feelings. That’s what she most needed. Then I gently guided her through looking for a solution to the problem.

Moving from validation to proactivity

I don’t want her to get so caught up in her emotions that she can’t move forward to fix problems. Obviously that wouldn’t serve her well in life. But, I knew without validation for her feelings that she wouldn’t be able to move forward and find a solution.

She was able to continue with her day. My daughter shed a few more tears and then moved on. She felt understood, which mattered most to her. It matters to all of us. When we are going through a difficult time, we just want to be seen and acknowledged for our struggle.

Adults need validation, too

A couple of years ago, I dealt with an ongoing situation that greatly affected me, yet I wasn’t able to tell anyone about. I remember a good friend whose response in finding out about it later was, “You must have felt so alone.” Her response still touches my heart, because I was validated. I felt seen and heard in the midst of my struggle.

That’s all our kiddos need sometimes, too. It’s human nature. And it’s something I’m going to strive to remind myself the next time one of my kiddos has a breakdown over something that seems small to me.

My children don’t need my irritation, frustration or list of solutions. They just need me to come alongside them, hug them, remind them they aren’t alone and then we can work through it together. I pray also that doing this with small issues in their childhood will lead them to coming to me with bigger, more serious issues as they grow.